#npdish

I believe I don't have opinions of my own. My choices and beliefs are motivated by my mood/emotions and consequences (good vs bad, especially how much it impacts me.). By the voices in my head yelling at me, my moral scrupilosity attacking me. My morals are flexible. but at the same time can be rigid in certain circumstances. Why am I nice? sometimes, because it feels good. sometimes, because the voices yell at me "BE NICE OR THEY'LL HATE YOU AND IT'S AWKWARD AND IM GONNA DIE" then after i feel ingenuine as fuck. But I have complete capability of being mean, because often i don't give a fuck, but I'll regret it later by ruminating and believing I'll be receiving spiritual karma and at any moment something bad will happen. I want to speak this out, but even now, I have voices saying, "why are you manifesting this? Don't write negativity. be positive! you cant ever be negative!" and i think, well thats ridiculous- but does my nervous system care? lol no. So I become antsy. The mammalian diving reflex is the only quickly effective coping skill i have to relax my nervous system. it doesn't relax my thoughts. but i can handle them properly when I am physically calm.

I always believe im innocent. I have a reason for everything I do. If im not innocent that's okay but i refuse to feel bad about it. I often don't. I more often feel guilt. but it feels... implanted. Conditioned. Learned. Sometimes I'll make no face to express how i feel and other times I'm very animated. Sometimes it feels fake, sometimes I'm told im faking, no matter how little or much i make a face.

I wrote more but dont wanna keep rewriting.

I wish, I wish, to see people like me, so i know what the fuck is happening to me, the person I'm living with calls me a narcissist child every day because of what I do, but I don't care, I don't care, why am I with him? it's because this ominous feeling i get that I'll die without him, this voice in my head saying we're spiritually entwined, then the guilt of losing someone that has so much knowledge and then I'll be truly alone, I have no friends, the one other person i can call a friend isn't even a friend by American culture standards (or any culture. tbh.), they're just someone i know can go to and wholely and completely trust (at least, i think it's that way?) with anything i say. I don't consistently talk with them whatsoever and I don't have strong emotions for them, but I like them being around. They always tell me they love me and I'm like their best friend, they were diagnosed with npd too so i have this like... mischievous feeling acknowledgement for them, i feel drawn to exist around them when i think about us sometimes, but i don't desire to do much with them, idk how to respond to the i love yous and im scared of annoying them and scaring them off especially because they believe I'm being abused by the person im living with, n they don't believe ive been abusive, atp idk the truth and i don't care. This makes it difficult to discuss in therapy because i don't recall important details after I'm triggered. All i know is, I felt innocent, I felt attacked, then I get triggered, I try to explain myself, its shut down and im attacked again, then i have to shut up or else they say I'm being a gaslighting manipulative narcissist, acting like a child, which just pisses me off more? he's like "are you really tryna argue over XYZ?" like. Yes. I am. it's important to me. OR. no tf I'm not im tryna explain myself nigga!!!