#non-binary parenting

Babies and (parental) gender

I knew going into this whole parenting thing that I was going to get called “mommy” a lot, by default. And I do.

I don’t have the energy to proactively tell people I only have minor or passing relationships with about my gender and how I do and don’t identify. This is true in all areas of my life – though I’m out at work among my co-workers, (and I recently added my pronouns to my professional…

Story time:

I’m non-binary (xe/xyr/xem) and have nearly always had some body dysphoria because my body is read constantly as female (and, therefore, so am I). The ONE FLIPPING THING that has never caused me any dysphoria is my ability to have children. I long for the experience of creating life with my husband and feeling it grow inside me in painful and joyful ways. I cannot wait for my own little parasite.* 

When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. When I was twenty-six, I was diagnosed with Lupus (plus other secondary stuffs). Both of these are pretty major diseases to deal with. They take constant vigilance and a LOT of doctors. Both are potentially inheritable. Both have the potential, through medications I take or *fun* body processes, to affect the fetus even if it does not inherit the diseases.

Also, the familial medical histories at play here are not what one would call encouraging.

While neither of my diseases nor those present in a multiplicity of family members guarantee a child of my genes is going to have a rough go of it, there is enough going on that I would feel irresponsible without first going to a genetic counselor and getting more information. It’s VERY important to me to know as much as I can. If it turns out that I am just not a good genetic contributor, I’ll make a family anyway. Adoption, fostering, egg donation are all good options, some of which I plan to pursue regardless of the wisdom of having children of my own loins. 

Until I get some counseling, I have ZERO intention of having children. The possibility that I might knowingly inflict a medical life like mine onto an innocent is both revolting and terrifying to me. Parental responsibility does not start at birth!

So, you can imagine how terrifying it was when I had a pregnancy scare. Thankfully, the matter resolved itself very quickly. But for a few terrible days, I was not in good shape. My husband did his best to understand and support me, but the real comfort was knowing that - if I were to be found pregnant - I had a place to go. Planned Parenthood could walk me through whatever I decided to do. Keep it, abort and try again (or not) after talking to a professional, give it up for adoption - I knew exactly where to go and that was such a relief, I cannot even tell you. (This is not a comment on my husband, by the way. He 100% admitted he had no idea exactly how to help or understand my emotional roller coaster. That, in and of itself, was a HUGE help - that he didn’t try to fix what he didn’t understand.)

Fast-forward several months and I’ve realized I can’t go through *SURPRISE-MIGHT BE PREGGERS* with no information again. It was AWFUL. So, I looked up genetic counselors in my area and . . . it’s all hospitals and visits there and CRAP MY INSURANCE IS GOING TO KILL ME. So, what did I do? I called Planned Parenthood. I asked if they had a genetic counselor on staff, they said no, but “wait, let us check our resources.” In less than a minute I had two phone numbers of FREE genetic counselors.

And get this: the one I called wasn’t the right fit for this circumstance, but was invested enough to recognize that one of the health issues I was concerned with was something within her purview. She not only referred me to the right person, but ALSO sketched out a quick plan on what we could do to get me more informed on this other health subject. This enabled me to call another concerned family member with said information and get them on the right track, too.

These last few months have been a harrowing physical and mental trial. The resources Planned Parenthood shares so freely (or at minimal cost) literally saved me from myself and from a lot of heartbreak. I’m on the path to getting lots more answers than I bargained for, so is a family member, and I have not felt this at peace for a long time. God bless Planned Parenthood. I would not be myself without it.

So my boyfriend is a crossdresser. Both in that it is a fetish and that wearing womens clothing and makeup make him feel comfortable.

He is straight and cis-gendered, just feels very comfortable in womens clothing.

Typically he uses Halloween as an excuse to dress up, since it is something he has gotten teased for in the past, people also tend to make a lot of gay jokes at his expense. because of this hes never been entirely open about it, which is why he usually only does it on Halloween. when we first met he told me about it like it was something to be ashamed of.

After a bit of time, several conversations and a few hours of Eddie Izzard stand up, he seemed to be a bit more comfortable with it. A bit anyways.

He would still often deny being a crossdresser or a transvestite ( whichever term you prefer) unless he was really really drunk, at which point he would put on my earrings, tell me how fabulous they made him feel and that he wished he was able to walk down the street wearing the clothes that he liked and made him comfortable without people staring at him, that he wished society was different.

Eventually, we'd have more of those conversations while he was sober.

Until our son was born.

He was cooking in a frilly apron one night when our son woke up, and before he went to go get him he threw the apron off. When I asked why he said he didn't want his son to see him dressed like that ( at the time our son was only a month old, so it didn't really matter)

Now he says he'll probably never crossdress again for the rest of his life ( with the exception of secifically sexual situations) because he doesn't want his son to have to face the ridicule of having a "weird" parent.

Now I've talked to him about it, brought it up that by the time it matters society may be a bit more accepting ( our son is only 4 months old at the moment) and that even if it isn't our son should be raised in a house that promotes being proud of who you are. That, at the very least, it would be a lot less weird for the kid if he grows up with it instead of walking in on his dad in drag when hes 16.

And all he says is that his happiness doesn't matter anymore. That we can still raise our kid in an accepting enviroment without him dressing like that. his happiness isn't important.

Its a noble sentiment and I love that hes putting his family first but at the same time his happiness IS important, suppressing something like that just isn't healthy.