#nomoreselfharm

August 30, 2015 11:40pm

It gets better. Maybe right now you think nobody loves you and nobody understands what you’re going through, but I can tell you right now I know that feeling. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and see this disgusting person that you hate, that you wish was dead. I know how it feels to have voices in your head telling you how unwanted and useless you are. I know how it feels to put a blade to your skin over and over again. I used to feel these things every single day for a long time. I also know how it feels to be left. You’ll lie awake at night crying so hard that you can’t breathe with the music in your ears so loud you can’t hear your own sobs. You’ll turn that music as loud as it can possibly go, to a point where you think you're going to break your eardrums, hoping that it will drown out the thoughts of that person. You’ll wonder and wonder why they left; you’ll point out every single thing you could’ve possibly done wrong and every single flaw and imperfection you have. You will completely blame yourself, when the reality is that it was never your fault that they left you and they are never coming back. You’ll swear that they are the love of your life and that you will never love anybody else as long as you live. You will tell yourself that every single person that comes into your life will leave you and hate you and break you because they were the person that swore they loved you and they couldn’t even stand you. You’ll promise yourself that you will never talk to them again, never let them know that you’re hurting because of them, never stare at them in the hallway hoping that they’ll smile at you again. You will break that promise. You will text them and message them and call them and hang up before the phone even had the chance to ring. You’ll hate yourself for breaking that promise, but you will refuse to hate them for all of their broken promises. You will refuse to hate them for making you feel like you were their everything and then dropping you like you were absolutely nothing. You will continue to let them talk to you when they please even though it breaks your heart to hear that they have someone new or that they’re doing just fine without you. You’ll want to die. You will lie awake at 1 am begging God to just let you die. You will think that is the only way to stop all the pain, but I swear it gets better. Maybe you haven’t been left. Maybe you’re like I was before him. You’re broken and depressed and suicidal and you don’t even understand why you feel these things. It’s a struggle to wake up in the morning and you cry yourself to sleep every single night if you can even sleep and most nights you can’t. You cut your wrists or hips or thighs or tummy or anywhere else just to release some of the emotional pain and disgust with your body. You think that you deserve it. I promise you do not deserve it. I believed getting better wasn’t an option. I thought that I’d never put down the blade.I thought I’d never fall in love, actually fall in love, not the kind of love I had with the person that left me broken and alone. I thought I’d eventually end up killing myself whether it was on purpose or I just cut too deep or “forgot” to eat. I now have somebody who makes me a better person. We fight sometimes and we don’t have a perfect relationship, but this is nothing like the “thing” I had before. He came along and helped me pick up my broken pieces. He took my blades and made me realize that although I am imperfect, I am beautiful in my own ways. He made me independent. Before him I thought that I needed a person there to make me feel whole. I know now that to love somebody you don’t have to depend on them to be there. I used to say I need you, but now I realize it’s I love you and I want you. When this person comes along for you, you will realize why it never worked out with anyone else. You will realize that they were all lessons learned and maybe he will be too, maybe he will leave, but you are independent now. It will hurt quite a bit, but you will survive. This person will show you what love really is and it will show you that what you had before was not love. Love is not them talking to other people the same way they talk to you. Love is not lies. Love is not them calling you despicable names. Love is accepting each others imperfections and caring about that person no matter what. It’s the “No, I love you more”s and the “No you hang up”s. It’s staying up until 4 am talking about nothing and talking about everything. It’s fighting but never hating. I eventually figured out that recovery is a choice; I had quite a bit of help from the people I love. You don’t need that though, you don’t need people to help you get better, you can help yourself get better. I know you may feel that the voices in your head and the urges to cut or binge and purge or starve or burn or whatever it is that you do is are too powerful, but they’re not. You need to realize that getting better is a choice. When I was bad I would say “I wish it would get better” or “I don’t want to feel like this,” but I never realized that I could make it better. It won’t be easy. There will still be bad nights. There will be nights when you wish you still had you blades or you feel fat or you just hate yourself. You are better than self harm. You are better that starving yourself or throwing up. You don’t deserve to hate yourself, you deserve to know that you are truly beautiful. I really, truly pray that all of you amazing people will realize that recovery will happen when you want it to. I pray that you want it to. I beg you to keep pushing forward, to never give up, to look in the mirror and repeat “I am beautiful” as many times as it takes to realize that it’s true. Please don’t end your lives. Please put down the blade. Please eat. Please please please realize that you are needed and wanted and loved, that self harm and eating disorders are not healthy addictions/diseases. Do what you need to get better. Make new friends and/or drop some bad ones. Be nicer to people or stop letting people walk all over you. Fall in love or embrace your independence. Dance in the rain, speak your mind, don’t care what people think, cut your hair, dye it blue if that’s what you want to do, wear bright colors or dark ones, wear dresses and heels or jeans and sneakers, listen to pop-punk or listen to country, travel, join clubs, play sports, try new things, kiss someone just for the hell of it, speak your mind, tell people how you feel, be outgoing, be courageous, start wearing makeup or stop wearing makeup, keep a diary, don’t let others put you down for your choices. Never let anybody tell you who you are, you are the only person who gets to decide that, not your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend or parents or teachers or anyone else. Never let people put you down; don’t put yourself down. DO NOT let people call you selfish for finally doing what is best for you and what makes you happy. Make mistakes and learn from them. Please do not shut out the people that have been there for you through thick and thin, the people that stayed up until 2 in the morning convincing you not to kill yourself. These are the real people, the true friends that will be there forever if you let them be. Don’t get angry with them for trying to help you get better. Do whatever you need to do to get better. Try. If you fail, try again. Don’t give up! Never give up!

I love myself Not because Everyone Doesn't But because Everyone Doesn't love Who they are At this moment Who are you exactly ??