#nofucksleft

- Sept. 11, 2017

First thoughts: I was so high strung and would not befriend the person I was at this time based on this entry. Given, I was planning an engagement party with little help with only one month to do so, dealing with family drama as a result of the party, working part time, and going to school full time...so there’s that. I kind of remember this time and remember feeling stressed but okay. Genuinely okay mentally just stressed because of the external environment. Though, reading this entry just makes me feel sad for the person at the time. Like why did I put myself through all of this strife for something I didn’t even really care about? I didn’t want a 100+ person party, I just wanted to keep it at like 20-30 close people. I guess I didn’t have the set of balls I thought I had at the time. Or maybe hindsight is 20/20. It all seems pointless to me now because it felt like it all was a waste of money, it ended up starting drama, and I hated the day lol.

Also, all of these journal entries are so damn stressful but I am 100% sure that everyone I know must have though I was okay. Only because they have always thought I was so chill. I really internalized a lot of this stress that I was experiencing for years and thought I was okay. What makes me sad is that I thought this type of stress was normal, and overcoming trying times meant I was stronger for it. But a lot of these trials were unnecessary, I didn’t need to go through all the stress or drama. I’m sad reading this back again because although I was working and going to school for me. I still seeked the approval of others. I put myself through the ringer for something I gave 0 shits about so my some family could be happy. I’m sad because I realize even though I act like an “independent, badass” I still seek approval from my family and it’s not always the most healthy approach. It makes me feel shitty because I want to do me, without the pressure or stress. Even though 2020 is a complete shit show in so many ways, it’s been a big start for this period of self reflection and doing something like starting this tumblr, even though it felt scary as fuck to share something so personal with the world. I have to bring my no fucks attitude back lol. Or just find a new version of me that I can be happy with, let’s see how this goes!