JustWrite

I totally forgot this day but reading this entry was uplifting. Sometimes life just constantly throws shit at you but it’s in the moments of just pure joy, some happiness and it makes things okay. This was clearly one of those days…a moment to just pause and reconnect with loved ones. I’m wishing for more of those days for everyone, especially when times feel dark.

I was seriously dropping some truth bombs out here. And this advice still applies to so many people in my life and possibly yours - drop that toxic shit. Over the last two years I have just been cutting out the bullshit which has been serving me.

I think this is a struggle that so many people face in their life, whether it’s as new parents, people struggling with mental health or are just over capacity in some aspect of their lives; feeling guilty for putting yourself first. It’s hard to fill someone else’s cup when yours is running low. Charity starts at home, so when helping others don’t forget yourself. It’s something that rings true to this day for me, and I try my best to put myself first so I can do better for others later.

I used to be a perpetual pessimist so this positivity is a breath of fresh air after all of these old entries really had me going through the motions. I am really glad I wrote consistent entries because it is so interesting to get glimpses into how I used to feel and think, these nuances so often get lost in memory.

This was a point of my life where I felt out of control. I remember feeling sad and stressed all the time (because of life situations) but I tried my best to also consider how others felt. This day I hit a point of no return where my cup was completely empty and I do not think it has been refilled, even two years later since the pandemic hit soon after.

Is it the season? Is it uncertainty about my future? I know I am loved and love others so why the disconnect? The unknown always bothered me. I’ll keep you posted.

Call me crazy but I always felt like if you want to have a good relationship with someone, you would show interest and ask about their life. Message them once in a while, check in and whatnot. Anyway, even though I feel like it’s important for other people to ask about things I also thinks it’s important to be vulnerable and open up with people around you. Balance and all that jazz haha.

Herd mentalities always amaze me. Rushing oncoming traffic without thought of others is so common on transit here because of such self-centred thinking. Given this post was from 2 years ago and I’m sure COVID has changed things, or I hope it has atleast. Now, even if people will give others space because of self centred thoughts of safety rather than common courtesy, whatever, atleast it’s happening. Anyway, I have transit rage, so I will leave this here for all of you who are in the same situation to also appreciate 😂

Sometimes we just have those days. Those days where you know it’s going to be a shitty day and the only consolation is that you look cute haha. This was that kind of day. Although I did have a lot of things to be grateful for, some crazy things were happening in my life. The bad with the good or the good with the bad, that really is life.

The fact that I acknowledged that this was emotional blackmail at the time but excused it is what got to me while rereading this. It’s something I experienced my whole life and excused it because she’s my mom and I know she’s well intentioned when it comes to me. As children, I find sometimes it’s hard to differentiate when our parents are right and thoughtful and being full on crazy with the way they approach certain situations. I would say my mother’s methods are trash when it comes to communication and self-expression; which really sucks because it’s something I had to teach my self in recent years. This difficulty in communication also made it hard to have any real though provoking conversations about our relationship in general.

End of my last year and focusing on my last course in health ethics. The course itself was an actual ethics course with debates in every class and discussions about concepts I had never heard about before. I thoroughly enjoyed that course because the prof and the course content was amazing. Given I had so many insecurities writing the final paper, it worked out in the end. I ended up writing about seniors aka baby boomers and the privatization of long term healthcare in Canada. I wrote a lot about seniors and health care in those 2 years 😂. This was a positive time in that crazy ass year, where I was optimistic before so much went to shit lol

I would be remiss not to acknowledge the pain the world is feeling right now. And I hope the call for attention to systemic racism and the modern day lynching of black men and women will make some change to today’s society and current system that is undervaluing the lives of black men and women, and people of colour. And even though weeks on end can be complete shit for many people because of the madness of 2020, society can change when people take action. Take action in your personal behaviours, addresss your biases, speak to your families and friends, donate of you can, read up in areas where you lack knowledge.

Here is where I want to acknowledge the “little” changes. I wrote that in the entry but I know that I didn’t ACTUALLY believe it. I do now, but I didn’t then. I always felt like changes needed to be dramatic, otherwise what are you changing, like duh?! But that’s why I never changed things, because big changes are hard af to stick to! This year, in 2020, I decided enough was enough and started making those small changes (2 years later but better than never). I write in my journal more, started opening myself to new friendships within my family (I have issues and was way more closed off with my own family) and I’m on day 11 of a yoga program (yoga eith Adriene on YouTube is dope). I feel better for it and I have learned to acknowledge the little things that make me feel better AND accomplished in my day. Yeah like big things are cool and all, but it’s really the smaller things in life that help you get through the everyday struggles; which honestly we as a society just don’t acknowledge enough. Sometimes getting through the day is enough, sometimes 5 minutes of stretching is enough, and sometimes making yourself a meal in the day is enough. Sometimes you need to just get through a shitty day or even days to see a better tomorrow and that’s okay! Society doesn’t acknowledge the day to day shitty shit that people go through because for some people waking up is really freaking hard and other people tell you that you’re crazy for feeling the way you do. Well fuck that! I was that person and it’s okay to feel the way you do because your feelings are valid. Do what you can to get up and survive today so you can see tomorrow and do the little things (whatever they are for you) to feel a little better today. And be proud of where you are today, even if it’s just surviving.