#nofriend

I am a 44 year old man-child with no choice in the matter. Terribly tragic early childhood forced me into a world of imagination. I learned early then, what was real and what was not. I needed to know that the werewolves I'd created in my mind to "handle" the stressful people in my life and the guardian angel slowly fading from my daydreams WERE NOT REAL. Needed to know so I could snap out of whatever adventure I was on in my cranium was over and it was time to ACT like a good kid. I knew at 7 or 8 magic didn't exist. The pretending helped me through my youth and failed me all of my adult life. My brother never adapted and I feel is doomed to a meth addicts death. We were just boys 6-8 years old being repeatedly abused by family and others after school each day.

In the piney woods of Northern Louisiana, melted onto the map, is hell. Our guardians thought a southern baptist church would be all we needed to recover. It's where I learned that people believed I was bound for hell regardless of if I could believe. Unbelief is unacceptable. Being human is unacceptable. Being brave is a sin.

I'm going to continue writing because I have to. My life begins as I've written and ends with a clever self-diagnosis of myself, unrelenting heartbreak, endless frustration, hopeless betrayal and this part. This part needs no bravery. I have no time for it. I'm just going to write. No more tonight though. I'll leave you with the poem I wrote when I finally shed the dogma.

Love

The Pass That All Understanding Peaced

Hello alone from the home of I know Where they know that they know where they go When they die and I try but man I don't know So hello alone from the home of I know

~Alan DeMoss 2022

I usually do not mind silence in social interactions.

I don't feel weird, awkward or embarrassed.

On the contrary, if I meet someone where this silence is actually pleasant, I know that someone is special.

Today, with you, those silences were too many, too awkward.

I didnt know what to say, where to look, how to behave.

It's like we don't have much to share anymore.

I am fine with it, I accept it, I wish you would too.

You do not owe me anything.