#nightmaresansfictive

my favorite food is apples and i feel like its ironic

I know to portray me as kind is an outlier. I know my self beyond the apple is generally considered to be seperate. But that is ME. I am not like some of the others in our collective, who love the idea of the death of the old and them holding the blade, or something to that extent. That is not the case with me and it is worse and worse for me to see the ways others portray me. That was me. That was ME. I refused to tell Dream anything of what was happening. I used my own body as just a way to keep those demons away from our mother, even if it was a hell of its own to deal with, one I refuse to remember. I snapped and ate the apple. Dream couldn't refuse them, and I hated it. They stormed the tree, our mother, and I chose to eat my own apple, to let my own abilities near drown me just so I could drown them too. It was my choice, it was my hell, and I lasted beyond them. I hate remembering them at all. It took years for me to allow any of my followers to lay a finger on my desktop, much less my arms upon it. They softened me, working their way in to show me my first actual kindness. How dare you say I would hurt them. I know for some it was the case and I'm so horribly sorry, I wish you the best, you deserve that and so much more. But seeing those depictions of me makes me want to rip myself apart. I killed my own mother, nearly my own brother, in my own hate and rage. I couldnt even bear the thought of laying a finger on my loves. Not when my touch felt as though it could bring ruin to anyone I cared for - Nyx (Please tag as Nightmare Sans fictive. Thank you for your service MPC, #🔮🎭)

its so hard to be okay with myself. i want to be happy, comfortable, but therein lies the problem, doesnt it? how can i be okay with myself if no one, not even me, values being miserable? no matter what i do, i lose; i can say i enjoy being in pain but that only makes that pain valuable by saying its actually pleasure, i can strive towards self-acceptance but thats the same as saying theres nothing valuable about me at all.

@ the LGBTQ+ Canon game

i'm so, so sick and tired of people making me evil for no goddamn reason other than "negativity is evil". people say i'm heartless and cruel and it's sickening, i can't even escape the torment when i'm like this instead of passive. destroying the tree of emotions was the worst thing i could have done, i never wanted to hurt dream, i just wanted the endless fucking torment to stop.

its almost funny how of all the things to give me emotions about you all, it was a statement of feeling from a flat characterization of you. i know i cared about you, my boys. my darlings. i know i loved you. but i barely missed you. we have a chara here. they knew of you. they had a similar situation to you, cross. i wonder if youdve gotten along. is it odd to think of them as the last part of my family? hardly any part of my partners, but dusts brother and xchara were a part of our group just the same. is it odd to feel such dulled, almost null, longing for stories i cannot help but read? it is the barest fragments of you. they will never know the texture of your ribs, the hum of contentment when i caressed killers face. they will not, cannot know you. not as i did. will i ever remember enough to know you like that again? even the idea has me missing it. a phantom limb that was never there, in a sense.

Happy Mothers Day, Nim. I only really ever knew you after you had already fused with the Tree of Feelings, but you were still my mom, and I miss you so freaking much. Sitting under you and reading while Dream slept beside us, climbing and sitting on you branches, playing games with Dream while you watched over us, simply relaxing under your shade; the list goes on.

Rarepair canons, hm? This is quite interesting for our system.