#newfor2018

I have had my heart broken so bad that I have not been able to be in a steady, healthy relationship for years and shut myself off when it came close to situations where things would start taking a more serious turn. I've had this very cynical outlook on love and relationships and kept telling myself that I am better off on my own because I can NEVER again let anyone do what my ex did to/with me.

But the story of Elio and Oliver helped me remember what it was like to fall in love, feel infatuatated by someone. It made me remember all the ups and downs, made me think of the first time I was in love, made me remember the passion you feel, the agony that comes with it, all the heartbreaks, the sex, the jealousy, the sheer delight of butterflies in your stomach, the suffocating feeling when you just knew it wouldn't last... It actually make me want to experience the full spectrum of love again.

For years I have been telling people that there is not a romantic bone in my body, that I just don't appreciate romantic gestures, don't really watch these kind of movies (apart from Blue Valentine - which DESTROYS me every. damn. time. ) and then I find myself sobbing through CMBYN and devouring the book in 5 hours and listening to the audiobook every night in bed... And I think it's time to admit that I am downright obsessed with this story…which is in great parts (and because I watched the movie before I read the book) down to the magnificent Luca Guadagnino and the breathtaking performances by Timothée Chalamet, Armie Hammer and Michael Stuhlbarg. The monologue KILLED me. Ugly crying and all. These were probably the truest words I had ever heard and the reason it resonated so deeply with me is because that is exactly how I feel at the moment. Someone spoke these words and it felt like my heart stopped.

"We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!" - (I tear up just typing these words...)

I don't want to rip anything out off me anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't deserve to be loved, to be happy.

I want to feel again.

I want to love again.

And this story opened my eyes to all these feelings again. It has changed me, profoundly. And I am glad it did because as much as I love cats, I really don't want to end up as one of those ladies who die alone and are found 10 days later, partially eaten by her 7 cats.

All jokes aside though, and thank you to anyone who has listened to me rambling on... this story has moved me deeply and continues to do so.