#nct pwp

Jaehyun had locked the door, at least. But was that really the most intelligent thing to do? He didn’t know. What if someone knocks? He would have to open the door and whoever enters would find you there with him. But what if he keeps it unlocked? Then whoever enters would find you there with him in a very compromising position. In the grand scheme of things, he’d much rather have the time to put you both in a more respectable stance before you were walked in on.

But he doesn’t think it would do him a fat load of good. He was somehow always hard around you. Like you were both in heat and his body betrayed his mind every single time. He would follow you like a moth to a flame, drag you to the first place he could find to sneak you away and have at you. And you would have at him back, clawing at him till he could feel you under his skin, till you were both losing yourself in throes of passion which was heightened by the fact that you shouldn’t be doing this. It was like you had said. 

“I’ve been wanting you all day. I can’t stop.” Jaehyun groans and his hand in your pants is getting more needy, two fingers pushing into you and pumping because he wants you to think that this is a good idea. That this is the best idea ever. 

“Oh, fuck…” you gasp, your head falling back on his shoulder, your hand reaching around to grab at the hair on the nape of his neck. His hand on your breasts is squeezing now, kneading at you and he grinds his horny need into you. His eyes are closed and he’s moaning with you when he says,

“Oh, baby, I wanna fuck you right here.” He’s gone, he knows he’s lost his mind, but he’d been hard all day to the thought of you. He was hard in the car when his manager drove him here. He was hard when he tried to record a song. He was hard when the producers told him that he had a different energy today. And by God, he was hard when you walked in because he hadn’t expected to see you. For a moment, he had thought that he was so sex-crazed that his wanktasies had turned to hallucinations. But you had captured his lips with yours the moment the two of you were alone and all his worries had evaporated.

“Here?” your eyes dart to the door and your ears peel to the sounds of other people right outside. 

“Yes, here. I want you like crazy, baby.” He’s pulling at the waistband of your pants now, because you haven’t said no and he’s losing his fucking mind. You sense it and fuck, it thrills you.

“Do you have a condom?” you ask him, giving in because holy, wouldn’t it be the hottest thing ever to be fucked in a place of work, right behind the backs of the people who would put your heads on a platter if you were found out?

Jaehyun groans, throwing his head back and for a moment; his hands halt their ministrations. He didn’t have a condom. Fuck, he hadn’t expected to see you today of all days, here of all places. And while he always had one on him because he’d been in a rut ever since he met you… that rut had caused his stash to run out. He hadn’t had the chance to restock and now here you were. Squirming in his arms, hypnotising him with your scent, inviting him to paradise. Fuck. His. Life.

But if he doesn’t get to fuck you today, he would go crazy, that much he knew and Jaehyun didn’t appreciate being blue-balled for very long. “Baby…” he whines, his hands grabbing at you again, his lips at your neck “... can I please fuck you like this, just this once? I need you so fucking bad.” He rolls his hips into your back as if to help his point across.

You don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the way he’s whining so fucking needily. Maybe it’s the dim lighting in this cramped space that’s clouding your better judgement. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re a couple of young, horny people in heat, grinding on each other in the workplace like degenerates. But you find yourself saying yes, despite every cell in your right mind telling you that it’s a bad idea.

You grab at his hair to get him to focus, just for a moment “If you come inside me, I’ll cut your cock off.” you warn. 

He doesn’t need a second longer because he’s pulling your panties down before you change your mind and zipping himself open. If you had wanted him to focus, you did it the wrong way, because fuck, he is so high strung right now that he thinks he might come from you pulling on his hair, threatening him with words that make his cock twitch. He needs to be inside you now.

So he aligns himself to you, holding his cock with one hand and your waist with the other and he finally eases himself in, letting out a long exhale of relief as his aching length finally sinks into your warmth. 

“Ahhhh, fuckkk!” he groans out because it feels so fucking good to put his cock to use after an entire day of being hard and not being able to do anything about it. It’s like sinking into a hot bath after you've been freezing in the cold for too long. Or finally finding the exact point to an itch that had been bothering you for hours. 

He straightens up to absorb the feeling as he whimpers in his relief and you steady yourself, placing your hand on a filing cabinet that is the only witness to your reckless dissolution. And then his arm snakes around the middle of your chest and the other around your waist; he pulls you into himself and begins fucking you like he had been fantasizing about the entire day. His head finds home on your shoulder and he’s moaning into your ear.

You’re two scoundrels, fucking each other standing up in a small editing room while people that could get you in trouble are right outside. But that just makes you reach your arm back and dig your fingertips into his hips even more. It just makes you reach out to his lips, stroke your thumb across it as you try to even out your own breaths.

“Shh… easy… we can’t get caught…” you remind him because his moans have turned to whines and he’s ramming into you and he’s gasping. He’s in a rut, he’s barely even present but his hand comes to your clit, rubbing too fast.

“I’m gonna need you to come for me, baby, because I can’t go on much longer.” he moans and you think fuck, it is much too soon. But his voice is desperate and you know you don’t have much time left so you bring your mind to the feeling of his hand rubbing your nub and you concentrate on all that is unholy.

Jaehyun’s cock, inside of you--bare, for the very time. Fuck yes, it gets you going. Yes, it felt good to squeeze around him skin to skin, it felt so fucking illicit, but fuckkk, it got you going.

“Come for me, baby, please.” he’s encouraging, no begging you in your ear, so you bring your mind back. Concentrate, you tell yourself and think of more dirty thoughts.

Jaehyun’s fingers on your clit. Strumming so urgently that you’re seeing stars. 

“Come for me, baby...”

Jaehyun arm around your belly, squeezing, directing all your desires to your core.

“Come for me…” 

Jaehyun’s breath, hot on your neck, helpless, erratic. 

“Come for me, please…”

Jaehyun’s deep voice and how it’s trembling in your ear. The fact that you’re making him tremble…

“Baby, please…”

The people outside, unassuming to your reckless fornication. People you both work for. People who brought you here for business. People who think you’re at work. 

People who could walk in any time and watch you being taken from behind. 

“Oh, baby…” you grab at his wrist to make him stop rubbing at you as you come apart on his cock and he can’t hold on much longer so he pulls out with a cry and you’re on your knees in no time, taking him in your mouth, pumping him, coaxing his release out of him and in your mouth. 

Jaehyun’s shoulders are against the filing cabinet, making it knock against the wall, his head is falling back, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he comes, your name on his lips.

You swallow his load, standing up to smile, giving him no chance to react as you kiss him with his salinity fresh on your tongue. You pull away but he leans in again, wanting to kiss you in gratitude now.

He helps you fix your clothes so you look less fucked out. His hands linger on your hips as you fix your bra under your top, but there’s not much you can do about how he’s crumpled the fabric of your shirt. Jaehyun had the aggression of a teenaged boy touching a girl for the first time. But you didn’t mind. It felt nice to be wanted like that.

“I think I’m addicted to you.” he confesses and you grin.

“Maybe I should stop crossing your path so you could sober up.” you tease him, tucking your shirt back in to make yourself look presentable enough to head back out. 

He smirks and somehow his eyes are lustful again as they take in your body line. You walk up to him, peck him on the lips and tap his cheek twice with your fingers.

“Stop it. Now go and clear the people away so I can sneak out.” you demand. You might be overthinking but now that your blood isn’t running hot in your veins, you think about how stupid you were being. You start dousing perfume onto yourself and digging into your purse for some gum, as if people would smell the sex on you when you walked out.

“When will I see you again?” Jaehyun asks. Today had been torture. He had spent the entire day hard as fucking nails, fantasizing about having you in every possible position his mind could come up with. He stops himself from revisiting some of those unfulfilled fantasies before he got hard again.

“I don’t know.” you say as you sling your purse over your shoulder “You’ll see me when you see me, I guess.”

Jaehyun looks up and leans in once again to kiss you. “Can I have your number this time?” he asks shamelessly.

You kiss him back and say “Not a chance. Now go before someone actually walks in.”

Jaehyun sighs at yet another failed attempt and finally gets out to trick the people into grabbing a cup of coffee, giving you the chance to sneak out and be about your way.

You keep meeting like this over the next few weeks and truth be told, both of you are a little surprised that you haven't been caught yet. 

Jaehyun had a feeling someone would walk in while you were giving him head in the men’s room, but you’d gotten away with it. He could’ve sworn he felt someone peak in when he was on his knees with his head under your skirt in the storage closet. You had undeniably almost gotten busted when Jaehyun was fucking you in the back of your car in the parking lot. And you two were pretty sure some people had stopped talking to listen in on you whilst Jaehyun was balls deep in you in the changing room. 

Even right now, when Jaehyun is kissing you without inhibition at a stupid workplace blacklight party, he’s pretty sure all it would take is for someone to accidentally flip the switch on the normal lights and you’d be busted. Your hands are now in his back pocket as you fool about, peaking into every room on the floor; you hit the jackpot when you find yourselves a photobooth. It’s just as well that the machine is broken and is placed in the old break room because people aren’t paying any mind to it. But in exchange, you are only hidden by a thin veil of fabric. 

You sit on top of Jaehyun as he pushes his tongue inside your mouth, swirling it around, his hands finding purchase on your ass. He squeezes your flesh, like he was trying to grip as much of it as he possibly could and now his lips are at your breasts. He undos the top buttons of your blouse then presses his lips over your bra, where your nipples might be. 

“Fuck me, Jaehyun.” you breathe in his ear and he looks up at you, eyes wide. Even with the strange, dim light hiding most of his features, you still see the surprise on his handsome face.

“Baby…” he kisses at your jawline “Too risky.” he says with a finality that irritates you. You grind your ass on him cruelly and he hisses, his fingertips digging into you.

“But I’m so horny for you, baby.” you tell him crassly, knowing the effect it has on him. You’d never known Jaehyun to be the saintly kind and you were going to kill him if this was the moment he’d chosen to be devout.

“Y/N, your boss is right outside.” he reminds you and if you’d heard him right, you had picked up subtle tones of shock in his voice.

You grind yourself on his thighs, rolling your hips sensually all the way up to his hardness, hands cupping the sides of his neck “That’s why you should make it hard and fast.”

“Fuck…” Jaehyun watches as you hump him. His hands run down your sides and then he closes his eyes to the sensation. Before he knows it, his body is shaking and he knows that if he doesn’t do something quick, he’d cream his pants and he wasn’t sure how kindly you’d react to that accident. 

So he grits his teeth and unzips himself, but he’s gone because fuck, where in the world is his hand-eye coordination? You watch him fumble and take him in your hand instead and start pumping him.

“Condom?” you ask curtly.

“Pocket.” he replies because he’s straining his voice from trying to stay quiet to the painful, throbbing sensation between his legs.

You reach into his pocket and pull out the foil you need and roll it onto him. Like a crazed nympho, you grab his cock and start pushing it up your pussy, your panties and skirt be damned. When you’ve gotten him where you wanted him, you tug on his hair and bring your lips close to his.

“Fuck me.” you demand into his mouth and it unleashes something in him because now he grabs your hair at the base of your skull and starts fucking up into you, drawing a surprised moan out of you. 

He clamps his other hand over your mouth and you grip at his shirt, both of you lost in the decadent sensation of his cock inside of you while you’re in this photobooth, clutching at each other. The sounds of the party and the music seem to be moving into the background and thrumming in your veins at the same time, clouding your better judgement. You’re pretty sure Jaehyun has never fucked you so good because he’s pumping up into you till he’s grunting in your ear. Your own cries are muffling into his hand and when it’s too much, you wrap your hands around him and mewl into his neck instead as you find your release.

The sound of a door opening breaks through the sound of the music. You both startle, heads snapping in the direction of the disturbance. Jaheyun grabs your waist, as if to pry you off but you hold him down by the shoulders.

“Don’t stop.” you barely whisper into his ear and he nods. Like an inflamed little devil, gently coaxing, blinding, seducing him to sin. You grin at his shocked expression as you begin moving on him, squeezing yourself on his hardness on the upstrokes. You hear some shuffling of feet, like someone’s getting closer. Jaehyun’s fingers dig into your waist and you feel his anxiety but it makes you swirl your hips even more decadently. You watch as his head falls back into the wall, his eyes warning you that he’s about to come apart. 

So you clamp your hand over his mouth now and nibble at his earlobe. “Do it.” you words have come out like a breath but Jaehyun’s eyes are squeezed shut as his body twitches and his forehead presses into your shoulder, his hands wrapping tight around you as he empties himself inside of you. If he’s made a sound, it is masked over the swish of the door being shut.

You watch him as he gets his breath back and you laugh silently, the surge of what you’ve done exciting you beyond belief. Jaehyun smiles but looks off into space as if reality is slowly but surely hitting him.

You slide off of him and begin buttoning yourself up, still intoxicated by your orgasm and the thrill of almost getting caught. You’re grinning wide, but you soon realize that Jaehyun is not sharing in your euphoria. He’s ridding himself of the condom, seemingly lost in thought as he zips himself up. You peak through the curtain to make sure you’re alone before you reach out and ruffle his dark hair.

“You okay, there?” you ask as he stands up. He’s tall. You never did realize how tall he really was until right now when he’s standing this close to you. Usually, you two had no reason to stand so close to one another unless you were ripping at each other’s clothes.

“That was way too close.” he mutters and you get the feeling that he sounds slightly upset.

“Yeah, it was.” you chuckle and loop your arms around his neck to look up at him. You’re trying to keep it light but you feel the atmosphere burdening onto you. You peck his lips.

“There’s a dinner next week.” he begins, still not quite meeting your eyes. “Just a casual thing. Some of the guys are renting a barbeque place. Come with me.”

He said the last part not as an invitation or a request. He’s said it like a demand, like a reprehension. Like he wanted to be indemnified. Because the both of you know that you would never say yes under any other circumstance. You’d never given him your number. You’d never replied to any of his messages on all your socials. This was the only way you would see him, hidden away in public spaces, pressing up into his sweaty body while he gave you a few minutes of white hot pleasure.

And if you weren’t standing there feeling like you had taken advantage of the poor boy in his moment of vulnerability, you’re pretty sure you would have never uttered the following words.

“Sure, I’ll come with you.”

Jaehyun’s eyes dart to yours. Like he wasn’t sure he heard the right thing over the sound of the booming music. 

“You’ll come?” his pretty eyes are wide.

“I’ll come.” you nod your head and watch as he looks away, fighting a smile but his dimples give him away. He leans in and kisses you slow, so different from the way he’s kissed you before.

You both stay in the photobooth for a while, kissing like that. You, kissing him in apology and him, kissing you with yearning. 

It just so happens that on the day of the dinner, you look the goddam prettiest you've ever looked. Jaehyun had only ever seen you in work clothes, dressed to kill every corporate kingpin that ever came your way. But here you were, with your hair down in soft waves and a delicate top on your frame and Jaehyun is pretty sure no one has ever looked as good in jeans as you do tonight. You’ve won everyone over within moments and you are working the room, mixing in with everybody. Jaehyun figured that’s what you were good at. He wasn’t sure what it was that you did for work, but he was guessing talking to people was a big part of it. It seemed so easy for you, to be in a room full of new people, Jaehyun being the only one you did know.

Did you really know him, though? Jaehyun wasn’t sure. You had a way of connecting with people like you’d known them for years, so it would be easy for him to fall into the illusion of familiarity. He supposed he didn’t know you any better than the people you were conversing with now, in this party. He observes from afar as you as you talk to one of the guys. It’s when you catch his eye from across the room and give him a smile that Jaehyun’s heart flutters and he realizes he’s in trouble.

Because this time, it wasn’t his cock that responded to you first. Jaehyun has to snigger to himself when he realizes that he’s looking at the delicate curve of your neck and wondering if you’re cold, not fantasizing about how many hickeys he could leave there. It was just as well. Jaehyun hadn’t seen any other woman ever since he started running into you. If he had to make a quick inventory of his thoughts of the past few weeks, he would find that he thought about you all the time, wondering when he’d see you next. 

Fuck, you were beautiful. That much he’d always known. But something about seeing you here, looking the way you looked, comfortably blending in with his world… it was stirring something deep within his chest that felt a bit like nostalgia and a lot like familiarity. 

So when it is time for dinner, he sits next to you just to feel close to you in this way. It would have been so easy for him to reach out and hold your hand under the table. But he doesn’t; because he couldn’t. It feels strange to him--the fact that he could, without a second thought, simply bend you over and ram his cock right up your pussy. But reaching out and holding your hand? That somehow felt… forbidden. It felt loaded, like doing it would be the start of something new and frightening and thrilling.

What was it about holding someone’s hand that was so sacred, anyway? He had touched you in a thousand other places in a thousand different ways. So, what was it about the thought of holding your hand that was making his heartbeat quicken? 

And when he’s least expecting it, you turn around and smile at him like you’d done earlier, but this time you’re so much closer. And then you take his hand and keep it in yours under the table.

He didn’t think it was possible, but Jaehyun’s heart is racing even more now and he’s pretty sure his ears are changing color from how much heat he can feel in them. You’ve turned your head once again to talk to someone across the table, but he keeps sneaking glances at you. For the first time in a long time, he feels butterflies in his stomach. He’d touched you in places that would make anyone blush, he had fucked you more times than he had fucked anyone else. But here was. Holding your hand like this for the first time, and it was making him lightheaded and giddy and yearnful all at the same time. 

He wonders if he’d be able to sleep tonight.

“Meet me in the security room.” 

You’d whispered in his ear from behind before you had snuck away. You knew that Jaehyun needn’t turn around to know who had whispered to him. You also knew that he’d be in here within minutes. There were few things in life that you were sure about; the fact that Jaehyun would follow you like a moth to a flame was one of them.

What you hadn’t expected was that Jaehyun would walk in as patiently as he did. No rush, moving like he had all day instead of a few stolen moments. You didn’t expect that he would take your face in his hands so tenderly and kiss you soft. That he would pull away and look at you with eyes so kind and say

“Hi.”

You didn’t know what to say back, because you both weren’t exactly the kind to make a lot of conversation during moments like these. More often than not, you’d be rushing to make each other cum as soon as you could before someone on the outside started missing you. You pretty much always had a ticking timer on your heads.

“Hi.” you hadn’t intended it to come out like a question, but it had. You weren’t sure why Jaehyun wasn’t doing anything. Usually by this time, he would have one hand down your pants or up your skirt, or whatever article of clothing you’d chosen to wear on that day. So why was he smiling like that at you, combing away at your hair with his fingers?

You lean in and kiss him, just to initiate something. He kisses you back, but not with the fervent energy you’re used to. He’s supporting the nape of your neck with his fingers and kissing you like he has all the time in the world. You want the kiss to build but he doesn’t take the bait and pulls away. You look at him quizzically and he looks at you softly.

“You know… the office is empty right now.” he begins in a warm tone as he strokes your cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs.

“Mhmm.” is the only thing you can say back. What did it matter if the office were empty or full or anything else? You both had always found a way to be naughty, regardless of how many people were outside.

“Mmm… the guys… the guys won’t be home either. We could… we could go home… to my place. It would be nice and comfortable.” he says and you notice the subtle nervousness in his tone. 

You stop a bit. You’re not sure what he’s asking, even though it is a simple proposition. You’re not sure what to say or how to feel about his request. And you know exactly why it is: you were much too comfortable with what you already had. You enjoyed his company precisely like this, in cramped places where he would be all up in your personal space, preferably fucking you hard enough to make you forget your own name for a few minutes. You wouldn’t know what you’d do with all the extra real estate he was offering you right now.

When you’re quiet for too long, he leans in and kisses you soft again but you speak into his lips before pulling away.

“No one… no one will be home?” you ask him carefully.

He searches your face and smiles “No one.”

“Are you sure there’s no one outside?”

He leans in and pecks your lips once again. “I’m very sure.”

You look away, just to get a moment by yourself to think. It’s the only way he’s allowing you to be alone anyway because he’s still caressing your face in a way he has never done before. Like you’re delicate and breakable and to be handled with the utmost care. You almost want to laugh in disbelief because this is the same man that takes no prisoners when he’s having at you. If you’re marked in any way after he’s done, he just kisses your pussy in apology. It’s nothing unusual, it’s just what you both know. So, why does he want you in his bed now?

“Okay, I guess let’s go.” you have no clue why you’ve said what you’ve said. It’s probably because: the logical side of you, the side that’s telling you that this is the worst idea in the world, that nothing good can come out of mixing business with pleasure; that side is tongue tied. But the reckless part of you is the one that spoke, thinking ‘What’s the worst that could happen, Y/N?’ It was a stupid choice.

But when it came to Jaehyun, none of your decisions insofar had been smart, to put it lightly.

So you’ve found yourself in his apartment as he leads you in, apologizing every time you have to step over a dirty dish on the floor or a poorly discarded (and probably used) towel. It’s a bachelor pad, alright; and you find yourself wondering how these people move around when so much of the floor space is taken up by contents of laundry baskets and kitchen sinks.

“Do you have a dog?” you ask him as you look around and tread your way in.

He looks at you sheepishly “Um, no. That’s just… umm… my roommates are really messy.” he says, rubbing the back of his head. “This is my room.”

You walk in and find that compared to the rest of the house, his room is indeed a bit cleaner, though it is probably because it is on the minimalist side. What gets you, though, is that the room has two beds placed end to end, which you suppose is one way to place furniture.

“Your… roommate… he won’t be here?” you ask to guess who the owner of the other bed is.

“Nope. Not for a while. We’re all alone.” He says and now he’s looking at you with that look in his eye once again.

So you walk over to him and lean in to kiss him. He kisses you back, but this time, he lets it build. In fact, he leads the build up. His hands move from your face to the curve of your neck to your shoulders, gently guiding you towards his bed, but you resist.

“Jae… Jaehyun?” you speak into the kiss once more. You’d been doing that a lot today, you realize.

“Hmm?” he hums, still kissing you with the same content smile he was wearing in the security room and still gently urging you to his bed with his hands.

“There’s no sheets?” you ask into the kiss, holding onto him to keep yourself from falling onto the bed, which is exactly what Jaehyun wants. But the truth is, you’ve been looking at his bed from the corner of your eye the entire time you’ve been kissing him. And you’ve been trying to angle away from it the entire time Jaehyun’s been leading you to it. You weren’t exactly a germaphobe, but right now, your silly mind was only thinking of all the things that very naked mattress might have seen.

“Mmm?” he sounds, a little confused as he turns his head to follow your line of sight. “There is a sheet. It’s fitted. Come here.” he says and goes back to kissing you. He snakes an arm to the small of your back and pulls you into him closer and you kiss him back. But then he starts leaning your body to it once again and you push a palm against his chest to stop him.

“Jaehyun, it’s just… there’s no bedding.” you word out once more and it sounds silly, even to your ears, and you have no idea why you’re bringing it up right now, when you’re smack in the middle of the heat of the moment.

“Yeah… um… yeah…” he breathes out and leans in once again to press his lips to yours and this time, you can’t really reciprocate for long enough before you’re pulling away again to say

“It’s just… I can’t be on a bed with no sheets.” you tell him and he pulls away, straightening up with an exhale of frustration. He tilts his head back, as if he’s allowing himself a moment to function like a normal person before he talks to you.

“You want me to change the sheets?” he’s still breathless, and you can tell that you’re testing a man’s patience.

“Yes, please.” you say easily, holding him at arm’s length. It’s awkward, the way the you two are softly panting from all the kissing, yet you’re standing here talking about household chores while the need for sex is throbbing between your legs. And you suppose between his legs as well.

He lets out another calming exhale before he says “Okay. Be right back.”

“Don’t forget the pillow cases.” you call after him as he rushes out of his room. You knew this was enough to test the patience of a saint. But something about treading through the apartment had made you hyper aware that you were in a bachelor pad. You don’t even have enough time to go through your phone before Jaehyun is rushing back, bedding in hand.

“Okay, here it is. Just give me a minute to make the bed.” he says and his voice is strained.

“I’ll help. Is this yours?” you ask him as you move his covers (under which you find discarded socks) and straighten his mattress out.

“I stole my housemate’s. He’s super clean, so don’t worry.” he says, laughing a bit.

You laugh as well and suddenly, you’re both giggling like two school kids as you make the bed, as if the absurdity of what you’re doing is finally kicking in. When the sheets are tucked in and the pillows are well arranged and the covers are dusted off, Jaehyun turns back to you.

“Okay, good?” he asks, pulling you into his body.

You nod “Good,” placing your hands on his shoulders.

“Good.” he repeats and scoops you up and gently places you on the freshly made bed. You both grin at each other till he’s hovering over you and you find your grin fading a bit.

It felt strange to be here like this. Jaehyun presses his lips to yours once again and this time, it makes you nervous. His hand runs up and down your bare shoulder as he begins trailing kisses along your jawline and then your neck and then your collarbone. He is taking his time. His kisses are tender. His face is soft. His smile is fond. And all of this is unsettling you. 

How many times had you fucked him before? You had lost count. He had fucked you in so many different ways and so many different places that somewhere along the way, you had stopped keeping record. But you’d never done it quite like this. Something about being so… horizontal in your desire with Jaehyun was making you nervous and uneasy. But Jaehyun.

Jaehyun seemed to be kissing your body in worship. His lips were touching your skin with so much care, like each caress meant a promise. He was undoing your shirt, button by button, and placing a kiss on each bit of skin that was exposed. He kissed at the base of your collarbone, then undid another button. He kissed on the plane of your chest and then your cleavage and then undid another. He kissed the end of your sternum and then kept trailing down till he was at the base of your navel and now the anticipation was making you hold onto the hair at the base of his skull.

He unhooks your skirt and gently tugs it down along your legs. Like he wanted it to be prolonged. And then he sits up to watch you as you lay there in your bra and panties, shirt opened up and peeled away. You’re exposed to him and he’s watching you with eyes full of want. Despite everything you’ve done with him, you find yourself shying away. Because you realize that you’ve never been this bare for him before. You’ve never been the body-conscious kind, but the way Jaehyun is looking at you with so much tenderness in his eyes--it’s making you feel some kind of way.

“Can you kiss me, Y/N?” he requests softly and you lift up to take his face in your palms. You kiss him like he’d asked but you pull away much too soon because you’re not sure how you should kiss him anymore. Unrestrained, wild and needy like you’ve always been? Or slow and sweet, like Jaehyun was being right now?

He captures your head before you let yourself fall back into the pillows and brings you to his lips once more before he breathes out

“You’re so beautiful. I wanna make you feel so good.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows as you watch him continue kissing where he had left off. The base of your navel. Your lower abdomen. Right on your mound over your panties. Then over the epicenter of your heat. Despite the confusion in your mind, you find yourself letting out a soft moan. It makes him look up hopefully. 

“Tell me when it feels good, baby.” he tells you before he begins sliding your panties down your legs. His eyes follow the trail they make before he looks at your bare sex. He goes straight for your clit, pressing open mouthed kisses on it till you find yourself flexing your knees and spreading your thighs for him. He runs his hands up and down the insides of them as his tongue laps at your folds, licking up and between them. And then his tongue is inside of you, swirling low and slow. He rubs your clit with his thumb, wanting to double your pleasure. Every so often, he peeks up through his lashes to watch your reaction to gauge his next move. 

It’s funny how being pleasured by Jaehyun on a bed is making your mind race the way it’s racing. Because you simply don’t know how to feel about this change of pace. Your need for Jaehyun was always horny and hungry and wanton. It was always explosive and wild, shining bright for a few moments and fading away just as quickly… till the next time you saw him. You had thought Jaehyun had wanted the same thing. To be fair, he hadn’t done anything to communicate otherwise. He had always followed your scent and fucked you exactly how you wanted to be fucked. You wanted nothing more, nothing less. Being with Jaehyun was thrilling. Without fail, Jaehyun would allow you to forget about all the messes in your life for a few minutes and then you both would be about your way. 

So why is he being this way now? You find yourself wishing you hadn’t followed him to his home. You could’ve had him right there, in that security room and nothing would have changed. But here he is. Kissing your pussy in his bed like he has all the time in the world. Telling you you’re beautiful. Telling you he wants to make you feel good. And here you are. Doing the one thing you hated, the one thing that made you seek out Jaehyun every time you entered the damn building: overthinking. 

You look down at the poor boy, looking up every so often to see how you’re feeling. You know you won’t be able to come like this. Not while your mind is being this way. But you also don’t want to break his spirit, so you tug at his hair and say

“Jaehyun, I want your cock inside me.”

You think you’ve managed to sound needy convincingly enough because Jaehyun’s moving up your body till his face is hovering over yours.

“Yeah?” he asks, kissing your lips.

You nod and rid him of his shirt “Please, Jaehyun.”

“Okay, baby.” he kisses your cheek and lets off just for a moment to get out of his pants. You watch him, truly in the nude for the first time, and somehow, it helps you take your mind off of your thoughts. He’s good looking by anyone’s standards. But right now, your eyes are on his happy trail that’s making your mouth water. You watch him lustfully for a while, concentrating on your animalistic desire, hoping it would chase away whatever other strings you felt Jaehyun was attaching to your arrangement.

Then he’s back, sitting on his knees between your legs, rolling a rubber down his length. You sit up, thinking that if you could just put your face down and ass up, all of this would mean a little less. But Jaehyun has pulled you into him before you’ve even had that thought and he’s kissing your lips while his fingers tuck your hair behind your ears. His hands softly slide your open shirt off of you and unhook your bra. He leads you to the pillows just like this, kissing you and hovering his body over yours. You break the kiss to breathe but he just presses his lips to your cheek now, kissing it over and over like he’s trying to communicate something through them. 

“Hold my hand.” he whispers then pulls the covers over your bodies, burying you under a warmth that is so comfortable, that your mind finally stops racing. This was nice. This was wholesome. This was comforting in the way a cup of hot chocolate was in the cold of a winter evening. It was soothing in the way a nice bath was at the end of a long day. Jaehyun’s weight, horizontal on top of you and the covers, snug over you both, shielding you from the outside world. It had a calming, lulling effect.

So you intertwine your fingers with his, the darkness under the covers helping you still your mind and just give in to the sensation Jaehyun wanted to give you tonight. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” Jaehyun says in your ear “I want you right here with me.”

Your free hand, the hand that’s not laced with his fingers finds its way to his hair. You feel his forehead and softly move his strands. You find yourself turning your head towards him and pressing a kiss to his temple.

“I am right here with you.” you tell him. It was amazing, how whispering sweet little lies in each other’s ears was making you feel as warm as it was. But now that you’d begun, you had an inkling it would be difficult to stop. The feeling was addicting.

“You promise?” Jaehyun asks and you feel his hardness press against your wet opening.

“I promise.” you stroke his hair and exhale pleasurably when he pushes his length into you.

He moves in you slow. He moans lowly as his hands come to cup the side of your neck. He kisses your cheekbone over and over, rolling his hips into you, making love to you. It was all wrong, this pace was all wrong. But you didn’t want it to stop.

“Will you always be by my side?” he asks softly. 

Under the covers, where the outside world meant nothing, where the only thing that mattered was you and him, where the only feeling that existed was pleasure and joy that this boy was giving you, it was so easy to wrap your arms around him and reply

“Always.” 

It was probably what he wanted to hear because his lips are on yours again and he’s moving in you like he wants to give you everything, like you are the only girl in this world. So you cling to him, wrapping your arms and legs around him to close any gap that existed between your bodies. You feel every inch of him against every inch of you till you feel you are under his skin and he is under yours. You moan his name in his ear over and over because you think it would be nice for him to hear it like this. His moans are getting more erratic, more desperate and he’s burying his face in your neck and you’re digging your heels in his hips and your nails in his back and encouraging him,

“Come for me, baby. Come for me.”

Jaehyun moans in your ears and you hear him, truly hear his beautiful voice for the first time because he’s not holding back… because there’s no one to hide from. For a moment, you allow yourself to exist in this world under the covers. Where it’s you and him and his beautiful voice. Raw, needy, raspy, and loving, and he’s moaning for you. You’re the one that’s making him moan like that. You allow yourself to hold him in your arms and press your lips to his temple. 

“Come for me baby.”

You tell him again and he moves in you with more fervor. He hovers his face over yours and you watch as he works till his voice breaks into a groan and his lips are crashing into yours. You hold him close as he comes, moaning into your mouth as he releases himself inside of you and you’re lightheaded. Everything about this is making you lightheaded. 

He finally stills and the two of you stay just like that for a while. Jaehyun’s weight heavy on top of you, his pants slowly evening to breaths. These sounds of nothingness lull you and for the first time in a very long time, your mind is calm. 

You would have never moved from here if Jaehyun hadn’t pulled out of you and then flipped you over so he was cradling you in his arms, laying your head on his bare shoulder where his lips could easily press into your forehead. He pulls the covers on top of you once again and begins stroking your hair. It is much too relaxing, being here like this, being held like this, being protected like this and if it weren’t, your mind would be stirring up a storm. But your mind is calm as the ocean because you’re thinking of nothing but Jaehyun’s fingertips in your hair, rubbing patterns that are making your eyes heavy. You have a feeling Jaehyun is smiling at you, but you’re much too comfortable to check and before you know it, everything is still.

It’s the distant sound of a door being unlocked that stirs you awake. It’s like you’re drunk, because you have no idea where you are till you feel fingertips tracing along your spine. 

“Shh… go back to sleep.” a handsome voice tells you and it all comes back.

You sit up abruptly and look towards the door.

“Are your roommates back?” you ask urgently.

“They probably are. It’s okay… come here…” he tells you kindly and reaches out for you.

“Shit. How long did I sleep? What time is it?” you ask, running your fingers through your hair in agitation.

“It’s 3 a.m. Y/N, it’s okay--”

“Shit! Why didn’t you wake me up?!” you have no idea why you’re annoyed at him when you’re the one that slipped up. You suddenly realize that you’re very, very naked and you don’t remember where your clothes are.

Jaehyun reaches out to stroke your head “Shh, Y/N. Calm down. It’s your day off tomorrow and it’s my day off, too. No one’s looking for you… it’s okay…”

“Yeah, but…” you begin, agitated when you hear the door handle of his room turn. You have no idea how it happens, but you find yourself taking refuge in his arms. Like your body knew that you had a split second before someone sees you like this and instead of reaching for the covers, you have jumped into his chest. You were not this person. In a flight or fight situation, you had always been one to fight. You had never instinctually leaned into someone for comfort or protection or anything else. You were fiercely, stubbornly and painfully independent. 

Perhaps because you never expected anyone to protect you right away like Jaehyun did now. Pulling up the covers and holding you to his chest in record time before the door opens and his roommate walks in.

“Hey, you still awa-- whoaaaa…” you hear a voice and you don’t have to look to know the man has instantly turned around upon seeing what he’s walked into.

“Jungwoo, could you maybe knock?” Jaehyun snubs his roommate and it’s the first time you’ve heard his voice sound like that.

“Sorry, man. I’ll just--I’ll sleep in Mark’s room. Good night!” you wait for the sound of the door being shut before you unbury your face from his chest. His lips are on your forehead again,

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… I’m sorry…” you begin but trail off because there’s too much going on in your mind again. You’ve felt too many emotions in the span of two minutes. Shock, realization, irritation, agitation, bashfulness, worry. It was exhausting and you didn’t know which emotion to address anymore and all of it was deflating you and you don’t have any more words left.

“Hey.” Jaehyun holds your head and makes you look at him.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know it wasn’t your fault I slept.”

“It’s okay…” he whispers and kisses your lips “Y/N, can you… can you just stay here? With me? Tonight?” he looks up at you with eyes so hopeful that you would’ve said yes if you weren’t in your right mind.

Perhaps, then, you were crazy after all because you’re nodding and laying on his chest under the covers so he could hold you once more. Because before you woke up, this was working. His arms and these covers and his breaths were working on you like Xanax, and truth be told, those couple of hours of sleep you had was the most untroubled you’d slept in a while. It’s almost a greedy, self-preservatory instinct that’s pulling you back into him because you want more of it. You want his arms to calm the storm that’s stirring in your mind.

Jaehyun holds you like this for the rest of the night, softly whispering to you till he’s fallen asleep himself. And when he wakes up in the morning, you’re gone.

Jaehyun doesn’t see you the entire week. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. And by the fourth week, he became sure you were gone for good.

The first week, he’d kept looking around, waiting for that seductive whisper in his ear that would invite him to paradise. He didn’t find it and it bothered him. He continued with his schedules and hoped he would run into you in at least one of them. He kept turning his head around everywhere he went, scanning every face in every room he walked into. He decided that maybe you had business somewhere else, to he tries to put his mind at ease.

The second week, he became a bit worried and wondered if you were alright. He messaged you wherever he could, hoping that this time you’d reply but to no avail. He scrolled up the line of messages he’d sent you, hoping that perhaps you had replied to at least one of them, that maybe you had left a message telling him where you were. He’s not that lucky, though. He’s tempted to go around asking for you and he eventually, he does. But all the people who’d know you aren’t close enough to you to know where you are. That’s when the bitterness sets in. Because he realizes, that’s what he is to you… another person who isn’t close enough. He had fooled himself into believing otherwise. He scoffs in disbelief for allowing himself to fall for an aloof woman. Of course, he would be that kind.

By the third week, his spirit was broken with his heart, even though he doesn’t realize it. He tries to get back on the horse because honestly, fuck you. Fuck you for thinking you could treat him like that and just disappear. Seriously, fuck you. There were so many girls out there in the world. He didn’t need you. Any one of them could make his cock wet. But when he’s locked up in a room at a house party, kissing one of them, he doesn’t know why keeps thinking of you. He keeps thinking it’s your body that’s pressing into him, not this girl’s. He keeps imagining it’s yours lips that are pressing into his, not this girl’s. He keeps picturing it’s your hand that is sliding into his pants, not this girl’s. But his mind is simply not powerful enough to replace what was real. And the girl is looking up to him and saying “Dude, why aren’t you getting hard?” when he pushes her away and makes up some bullshit excuse about being too drunk.

He goes home that night and gets in bed and lines up all the fucking porn he knows he enjoys. He grabs his meat and strokes it urgently, because fuck that. Of course he gets hard. Why wouldn’t he get hard? But when he’s watching a porn girl smiling up at her man and burying her face in his neck, he has tears stinging in his eyes because it reminds him so much of you. And that’s when he knows he’s truly fucked. He slams his laptop shut too hard and throws his forearm over his eyes and cries and laughs at the irony of it all. You had broken him. You had well and truly broken his heart and his cock. He wonders if he’d be able to use either of them ever again.

He cries himself to sleep that night until all the anger has left his body and all that remains are good memories. It’s not like he had any distinct memories with you anyway. But he holds onto how he felt when he was with you. He remembers your smile, the smell of your hair, how his heart had fluttered the first time you had held his hand at that party, how soothing it had been to hold you in his arms and believe he could keep you that one stolen night. When he finally wakes, he doesn’t feel anger or regret or yearning or anything else. He just feels closure. At least he thinks he does. Because that morning at breakfast, when Jungwoo finds a reason to stay with him to ask, “Is it because of what I saw that day?” Jaehyun is silent. He didn’t have a reason to deny it anymore. Yes, he had met a girl who had broken his heart. Tale as old as time. It had happened to a thousand boys before him. He shouldn’t hide it. And he was silly to think his friends wouldn’t pick up on him sulking for a few weeks straight. 

By the fourth week, he knows he’s never going to see you again so he decides to move on. He gets up every morning and goes to work. He occupies himself by training too hard. He practices each choreography into the night so when he gets home, his body is too tired to do much else but sleep. He goes to the studio and works hard to record his tracks. He films his videos and volunteers for every schedule his manager brings his way. He keeps himself busy and occupied and functioning. 

He sits in the building’s coffee shop alone for lunch time and mulls over the rest of the day. He had been feeling a lot better lately. He’d even been to the gym this morning and smiled at a cute girl when she complimented his grey shirt. He was getting his life back on track, he felt. He had stopped being sad and sulky and had started to appreciate the clear skies when he saw them. Things were turning around.

Suddenly, he feels a presence break through his thoughts. An arm reaches out and steals a French fry from his plate and Jaehyun doesn’t have to look up to know exactly who it is. He smelt you before you had even fully approached him. And still, Jaehyun finds himself looking up at you with his eyes wide. If his mouth was hanging open, he wouldn’t be surprised.

But you’re standing there, smiling at him.

“Hi.” you say, like it was the easiest thing to say. He had forgotten how beautiful you were. It’s not like he had any pictures of you to remember you by--just his memories. But his mind had done a poor job of committing you to those damn memories because he doesn’t remember you being this fucking beautiful. He didn’t remember your skin having that glow or your eyes having that sparkle or your smile having that mischief. Maybe women got more beautiful after they had broken a few hearts. But ‘Hi’? You had disappeared from his life without a trace and you had the audacity to say fucking hi?

“Where have you been?” Jaehyun hadn’t meant for it to come out the way it did. Like a breath. Like an accusation. Like a cry for help. As if to say ‘Look what you’ve done to me’. 

And you’re there, smiling so easily, sitting across from him, stealing another one of his fries. How could you be smiling like that and sitting there like that and eating fries? How was all of this so easy for you?

“On vacation.” you say, grinning wide.

Jaehyun’s eyes widen. He’s floored. He doesn’t know what the fuck to say. “On… vacation...” he says incredulously because he’s been here, crying into his pillow every night with a cock that doesn’t work anymore and you’ve been on fucking vacation?

“Mhmm. I wanted to see the sun. I hate this weather.” you say easily as you nibble on the end of another fry “These are so salty.” you stick your tongue out and get up and lean over the table to whisper to him, “I brought you back a present...” you say and gently tug on the collar of your shirt to show him the strap of your bra. “Meet me in the storage room,” you whisper in his ear and walk away, looking over your shoulder to smile at him like a minx. 

Jaehyun sits there, nothing short of shocked as he watches you in the flesh, walking away from him. You were never this cruel in his fantasies. When he missed you, he thought only of the sweet nothings you had whispered in his ear that night in his bed. But that wasn’t you. This was you. You were a cruel, cruel woman.

That’s why Jaehyun hates himself for following you. He hates that you’re still that fucking Pied Piper’s tune to him. He hates that his cock has finally twitched in his pants for the first time in a month. He hates himself and he hates you and he hates everything. 

So when you fling your arms around him in the storage room with that same bright smile, Jaehyun pushes you away because he can’t hide the bitterness any longer.

“I don’t want this anymore. Not like this.” he states and he looks away before the lump in his throat would turn to tears in his eyes.

But you’re still smiling. “Then how do you want it?”

“Y/N, you can’t do that. You can’t play with people’s hearts like that. You can’t sleep with me for weeks and weeks and weeks and never give me your number. You can’t avoid me every time I message you. You can’t disappear like this without telling me where you’ve been. And you can’t just come back and still expect me to follow you. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?” Jaehyun accuses because he can’t believe you. How can you be standing here calm as fucking day after all you had done to him.

“I’m sorry I disappeared. I just needed time to think.” you walk ahead and take his hand in yours “I’m sorry.”

But Jaehyun pulls away “What did you need to think about for a month?”

“About how I would kiss you when I saw you again.” 

“What is wrong with you?! How can you be joking after all you’ve done to me?” Jaehyun can’t stay here anymore. You were unbelievable. You were cruel. You were mocking his heartbreak like it was what you had come back to do. Jaehyun turns away to leave but you grab his wrist.

“I also needed to think about how I’m in love with you.”

Jaehyun pauses before he turns. He’s not sure he’s heard you right. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Y/N… don’t play with me like that. Please.” Jaehyun’s eyes close and this time, his tone is not one of anger or disbelief. He’s begging now. He’s requesting you to let him honorably walk away with what was left of his heart.

“I mean it, Jaehyun. I’m sorry it took me so long.” you tell him. You touch his face and his eyes open. “Let me show you.” you say, pressing your lips to his because this is the only way you and him communicate. You kiss him and smile when you find him kissing you back, in spite of the broody tantrums you’d returned to. But he pulls away suddenly, like he’s realized he’s still mad at you.

“No, not like this. We can’t keep going on like this. If you want this, you’re going to have to be my girlfriend.” he says, and you look back at him with an amused expression.

“Sure, I’ll be your girlfriend.” you say like you’re humoring him. But you mean it.

He looks at you and his eyes widen but you see his dimples appear in his cheeks “You’ll be my girlfriend?”

You nod with a patient smile “I’ll be your girlfriend. Now, do you wanna see your present or not?”

Jaehyun is mad at himself because he can’t control the way his heart is soaring in his chest or the way his smile is growing on his face. He’s mad at you. He should be mad at you for what you’ve done. But you’ve told him that you love him and that you’d be his girlfriend and it is as if the last month of misery is disappearing. He should want his indemnity. He’s almost fighting with his instinct for it. He hates his body for betraying him and soon, the happiness his body feels is taking over his mind and his need for vengeance is fading, leaving only giddy happiness behind. And you mentioning his present has his cock stirring once again and he realizes he is with you in a storage room all alone and all his fantasies are coming true.

So he takes your face in his palms and you grin like you know you’ve won and grip his shirt and kiss him deep. He holds you in his arms and kisses you with passion because aside from the joy he feels from all the rollercoaster of developments of the past few minutes, he is happy his cock is working again. Because your palm is rolling over it so deliciously it almost makes him want to bend you over and take you right there. Almost, but not quite because he’s pulling away because his right mind is still protecting his fucking pride.

“No, Y/N. We can’t keep doing this. If you’re going to be my girlfriend, we have to stop hiding away. We can’t be sneaking away in closets and security rooms anymore.” he begins and you look at him, wiping the lipgloss he smudged from the corner of your mouth.

“Okay?” you say but he’s not done.

“No, I’m serious! You’re gonna have to be my girlfriend in the proper way. You’ll have to go on dates with me and meet all my friends.”

You can’t help the amused smile that breaks across your face when you say 

“Okay.”

“You’ll have to meet my family and give me your number and reply to all the messages I send you. You’ll have to tell me when you go out of the city and I’ll tell you when I have to go out of the city. You have to let me romance the fuck out of you.” he continues.

“In that order?” you cock an eyebrow, musing over all his demands.

“And no more of this sneaking around. You have to come over to my place and I have to come over to yours when we want sex. We can’t just fuck like this anymore. We can’t hide and fuck and then walk out like we don’t even know each other.”

“Okay…” you say and you get closer to him and begin kissing his neck, but it seems like he’s still not done.

“No, Y/N, are you even listening? We can’t do it here. Not now. Not anymore. I’m going to take you home and make you dinner and--”

“--the panties are crotchless.”

“--and the panties are crotchless. And…” Jaehyun stops “The panties are crotchless.” he tilts his head back and groans because finally, his cock is standing tall and proud in his pants. Almost as if it heard you before Jaehyun did. “The panties are fucking crotchless.” he grabs your waist and pulls you into him and begins kissing you, his hands on your ass, feeling and groping. You laugh and begin moving your palms up his shirt, feeling his bare skin that you’d missed so much.

“And one more thing…” Jaehyun pulls away again and you let out a long, frustrated groan.

“What is it now, Jaehyun?”

“I love you, too.” he says and it melts your heart.

The two of you stay in that closet so Jaehyun could unwrap his present and make love to you while you tell him that you were ready to fulfill all his demands, and any demands he would ever have of you in the future. That you would be his girlfriend in the proper sense of the word, and give him your number and meet all his friends and family, and never disappear on him ever again, all in that order. 

Copyright © 2021 NeoCultureTravesty. All rights reserved.

With a “fine” the man grabbed your hand and your relieved face was automatically exchanged for one of shock as he placed your palm right on the bulge in his pants under the blanket. You widened your eyes at him as he groaned and threw his head back in frustration, “Jeno, we’re watching a show about baking. How did any of this get you horny? Do you have a food kink that I don’t know about?”

“Oh my God,” He glared at you, raising his voice. “Don’t act like you weren’t crawling around with your ass all up a minute ago.”

“I was looking for the remote, not trying to seduce you!”

“I can’t control it!” He exclaimed, taking a deep breath to calm himself down before the situation could escalate any further.

“Ok, I was just surprised,” You explained, letting the exasperation fade before both of you went quiet. At least you were content enough that Jeno had complied and opened up to you, leaning your head on him again.

After a few minutes of having your mind back on the show, hugging your boyfriend’s arm and admiring how terrible some people were at cooking, Jeno startled you once again with an out of nowhere “Sit on my lap.”

“Jeno, we’re not having sex in the middle of the living room. Your friends are right o-”

“Who said anything about having sex? Just do as I say.”

The both of you exchanged heated looks and silently argued until you sighed in surrender, lifting the covers so you could sit where your boyfriend was asking you to. He contently wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer, adjusting the blanket around the two of you before placing his chin on your left shoulder to look at the screen.

As much as you loved Jeno’s cock, you weren’t so passionate about it when it was throbbing against your ass while you were in a common area in a shared apartment trying to watch Netflix. The man did behave, though. Peacefully cuddling into you with his chest pressed to your back and finally paying attention to what you two were watching.

It was honestly tough to focus when after a whole episode, you could still feel the way your boyfriend was hard under you – It was kind of impressing actually, and it was indeed having some kind of effect on you, making you aware that you could feel your own pulse in between your legs.

Jeno soon proved you wrong, showing he wasn’t as patient as you believed him to be, as he started to absently trace shapes with the tip of his fingers on your thighs that got you squirming around on his lap.

Cool, now you were both horny and frustrated. Thank you,  Jeno Lee.

You stopped moving when you were surprised by your boyfriend gently biting your shoulder and groaning a, “Can you please stop?”

“Sorry, I’m –“

“I know,” He breathed out before unwrapping his arms from your waist and starting to shift under you. You were about to ask what he was doing when you suddenly felt his fingers pulling your pajama shorts and panties to the side, causing you to jump at the light brush of his digits against your lips. A gasp escaped your mouth when you felt him position the tip of his hard member against your entrance and he felt how you stiffened on top of him, letting out a simple “Trust me.”

And so you did, digging your nails on the side of his thighs as he slowly pushed inside you, a groan leaving his lips as he pressed his forehead against the back of your shoulder. You couldn’t even pretend to be mad now that he noticed how you were practically dripping around him, just giving up on your quest of not fucking somewhere his friends could see because honestly, it just felt so good you could cry.

You closed your eyes to wait for Jeno to start moving but he just never did, you tried to turn your head back to see what was going on but he stopped you, “I just want to stay like this.”

Oh.

Your mind was too conflicted to form any thoughts, so you just followed along, leaning back against Jeno’s chest and trying to go back to watching the show - You weren’t very successful at the task, distracted with how you could feel your boyfriend’s cock pulsating against your walls and for some reason it just felt way more intense than normally. Jeno unceremoniously grabbed the blanket you had thrown to the side and covered your hips with it, so at least if anyone walked in you were safe until you could get off his lap.

You two managed to go through another entire episode like that, it was a really intimate position and it would be definitely more lovey and enjoyable if the both of you weren’t breathing hard at the over-sensitivity.

Another episode started playing when the front door opened, revealing Mark and Renjun coming back from the gym. You widened your eyes and tried to quickly get off of Jeno but the man held you tightly so you couldn’t move.

“You guys are watching Nailed It?” Mark asked excitedly, plopping himself at the end of the couch. “Man, I love that show.”

“Dude, you’re all sweaty. At least go shower first,” Jeno complained.

“Yeah yeah, in a minute.”

You watched as Renjun quietly sat down on the floor in front of the couch and you silently groaned, having your boyfriend’s cock deep inside you while his friends were literally inches away from you was definitely not how you wanted your movie night to go.

You expected Jeno to finally go soft now that you two had company but when he shifted to adjust his position a bit, his dick pressed against a different spot inside you and you clenched around him in surprise, having the man release an involuntary groan as he dug his nails in your thighs, proving he was just as worked-up as you were.

Mark and Renjun turned around at the same time to stare weirdly at your boyfriend, who offered a quick excuse about you stepping on his foot (which didn’t even make any sense), but his friends accepted it and went back to watching the show.

You felt tense, your heart was beating fast, each minute that passed seemed to make your walls more sensitive and you noticed they were spasming on their own from the stimulation. Jeno seemed to feel it too as he gave up on watching the show and just pressed his forehead to your shoulder, hot breath hitting your skin in strong huffs as his grip on your thighs left bruises.

You had never felt that before, you were so wet, practically soaking a patch on Jeno’s sweatpants under you. Your body needed you to move, to touch yourself, anything. Honestly, you felt like you could come just like that if Jeno kept this up for a few more minutes. Your clit felt like it was pulsating stronger than your heart.

Your boyfriend was probably extremely uncomfortable after being hard for so long and you will blame the lust that was fogging up your mind for what you did next. Not feeling like cumming almost untouched, you pretended to be uncomfortable and shifted your position as an excuse to sit back on Jeno again. Satisfied at the twitch you felt inside you and your boyfriend’s breath hitching, you carefully looked at your friends to see if they were distracted enough before starting to slowly grind your hips, you felt Jeno trying to hold you still but he soon gave up and allowed you to have your fun and end both of your tortures. If this was a sin, it did feel like what heaven was about.

Jeno must have been as worked up as you were and soon enough, you felt his teeth deep into your skin as he tried to keep quiet. You looked at Mark and Renjun once more before deciding to speed up a little and your boyfriend’s appreciation was shown as his fingers found their way to your clit, circling it at the same speed as he started to fuck into you. Your eyes stayed glued at your friends the whole time, ready to halt all motions at the mere shift of an eye, until you felt Jeno’s trust getting messier.

You felt him tap your left leg with his free hand and turned back to mouth “Inside” at him, at that his nails dug deep into the inner part of your thigh and his teeth found their place back in your shoulders as he shot inside you. You felt his warm load hit your insides, his dick dragging against your walls and his finger playing with your sensitive clit, but the way he was breathing hard against the back of your neck was what drove you over the edge, vision turning white as you tried your very hardest to not emit a single sound, spasming on Jeno’s lap as he slowly took care of you during your high.

Fuck. You just had the most silent sex in your life.

You leaned back against your boyfriend to catch your breath before trying to quietly adjust your shorts and panties back in place.

“Since Mark and Renjun want to be disgusting, I’m going to shower,” You informed your sweaty friends, getting up and hoping Jeno’s cum wouldn’t run down your leg and ruin your self-hygiene drag.

You gave the men no time to complain, quickly grabbing Jeno and dragging him along to the bathroom.

“Ugh, they are going to get the couch all smelly,” You whined to your boyfriend, deciding to completely ignore what the two of you were literally just doing on the couch.

“Let them be, as long as they are distracted watching Nailed it!, I can nail you in peace,” He joked as you were entering the bathroom.

You simply stared at him with your mouth open wide, appalled at the words that had just left his mouth, “Oh my fucking god, I can’t believe I actually have sex with you.”

You patted Ten's shoulder with a giggle. 

"It's a festive dinner, the more, the merrier." 

"I hate to say that Ten's right, because he's never right, but I also thought this was a romantic duo escape," Doyoung finished arranging his presents in the dedicated spot as if it were Christmas and sighed. 

"Well,” Ten took a chip from the bowl in front of Doyoung, “I see that we share one brain cell. Is that the good shirt Kun? The one that shows off the pecs?" Ten teased the older who scoffed. 

"Do you know how cold it is?" he eyed Ten's exposed chest as he had three open buttons. 

Doyoung snorted.

You bit your lower lip to not giggle again then clapped your hands once as to get their attention. 

"No fighting for one night. Please? The food will be here soon." 

"Wait, you didn't cook?" Ten placed his gifts on the coffee table. 

You shook your head and he chuckled, high fiving you. 

"What are we doing in the meantime? Movie?" Kun sat on the couch, staring at the way Ten didn't let your hand go for a few more moments. "Come sit here," he continued, patting the spot near him, "you said you were very tired."

You sighed and fell on the couch, the sudden movement making Kun wobble so he grabbed your thigh to sustain himself. He considered it a very comfortable armrest since he didn't show any desire to take his hand away. 

"We can open the gifts," Ten sat on the ground in front of you with a wiggle of the eyebrows. 

Doyoung whined dramatically. "But it took me so much time to arrange them aesthetically."

"No one cares about yours. Y/N, open mine," the younger smiled excited, his smirk making you chuckle once and you accepted the gift he was extending you. 

"What's this?" 

Doyoung brought his gifts along and sat on the other side of the couch, his shoulder rubbing on you when he tried to find a more comfortable position. 

"Open it and you'll see," Ten murmured. 

The box under the wrapping paper was foreign to you so you shook it a few times. Kun frowned trying to read better and Doyoung gasped after a few moments of blinking. 

"Ten? Is this a vibrator?" you finally asked when your hand wrapped the pink toy. 

Ten laughed at your reaction and took the object from your hands. 

"Happy birthday. It's a remote vibrator," he explained happily. "You can control it with your phone. Remember when you told me about how it's hard for you to change speed on your vibrator in certain positions? Since it's hard to reach?" 

Kun and Doyoung shifted on their seats at his words and you felt your face burn. "Ten! That was confidential," you grabbed the toy back and shoved it into its box.

"Make sure to try it. If you need help to understand how it works I can help you," he winked and you couldn't help but giggle a little. 

"Well, now you have to check mine," Doyoung disrupted the moment by shoving his box in your arms instead. 

Ten leaned back on his hands with a grin, so sure of his gift being the best one that he choked on air at the sight of the white delicate material in your hands. 

"Oh, Doyoung! It's beautiful!" you touched the lingerie with your fingertips before lifting it, looking at the way the light could easily pass through it. "I hope it fits."

"It will," Doyoung was proudly smiling at you, probably patting himself on the shoulder in his head. 

"Doyoung keeps staring at your ass so he probably knows your size but I won't believe it will fit until I see you in that myself," Ten passed his tongue on his lip and you rolled your eyes positively amused. 

"Ten, stop being horny challenge," Kun murmured. 

"I can let you see her in my gift if you let me also teach her how to use the toy," Doyoung offered a deal. 

"Uhm? Guys? I'm right here?" 

Ten and Doyoung ignored you, deep into their stares battles until Ten smiled slyly as if they silently came to a compromise by themselves. 

"Y/N? What do you seriously think about that?" he locked eyes with you, the heaviess of that suggestion making a lump form inside your throat. 

"Model that for us?" Doyoung whispered on your side. "We just want to make sure it fits," he raised his palms, no sly intentions - he meant.

Passing the occasion to fuck your hottest friends on your birthday? You were all heated up at the thought and you did want to hide away, but their hungry eyes gave you courage. 

So you shrugged, faking nonchalance. "Okay."

The guys let out surprised sounds and Kun's hands on his gifts tightened, making the packet crinkle. 

Doyoung sat up from the couch and Ten followed suit as if needing to move. The sudden change of air made your hair swoosh and you chuckled before noticing Kun's gift. 

"Oh, right," you tried to take it but Kun was quick to pull it away. 

"It's not for me?" you blinked at him a few times. 

"Uhm," Kun sucked the air through his teeth. 

"Oh? Kunnie is embarrassed that his gift is very PG? Did you buy socks?" Ten teased him, the hot pink toy already in his hands making his image even wilder. 

"Come on, Kun," you smiled. "Whatever it is, it's alright. I'll love it," you assured him, stretching one hand again and you both laughed as he kept it out of your reach. "Kun!" you grunted, almost climbing in his lap. 

The man slid away from you on the couch, your body hovering over his when he didn't have any more space to run away to, until you straddled his waist and made your way upwards, grabbing at his extended arms and pulling down. 

A little triumphal squeal left your lips when you reached the box and you quickly opened it. Kun let out a defeated sigh, his free hands now resting on your thighs draped on both sides of his torso. 

So concentrated on the gift, you didn't even notice the lack of teasing from the other two when Kun whispered. 

"You can use it as a blindfold."

The silk scarf in your hands felt like water on your skin. 

"What?" you finally realized what Kun said. 

"Like this," he sat up and your body slid down to his thighs in the movement. He took the scarf and gently placed it on your eyes. 

It felt so soft on your eyelids that you sighed pleased. 

You chuckled slightly embarrassed from the sudden silence but it was quick to get disrupted when you felt your lips kissed gently by Kun. 

"It heightens your other senses," he whispered like a demonstration.

The other two groaned loudly, bickering about how you needed to change into the lingerie first before doing anything else. But your mind was too concentrated on how Kun's body felt under yours and on his hands palming your lower back and going to cup your ass to actually hear anything at all. 

You pushed into the kiss, even more, diving your hands into Kun's hair, the blindfold making the sensation even more acute indeed.

"Kun, don't be greedy," you heard Doyoung talk and Kun let your tongue go. You really liked it and desperately wanted to keep your mouth occupied, so when Kun turned you around with your back to touch his chest, you hummed pleased to feel someone's lips on yours again. A different taste and a different technique and you wondered if it was Doyoung, his teeth on your lower lip making you whine. 

"I knew you were a biter," you murmured and his breath, hitting your face as he chucked so close to you, caressed your skin so deliciously that you wanted to feel it everywhere. And thank goodness that Kun was there because he gave you just that, his tongue licking your neck in little circles before he started to suck on it. You whimpered and felt Doyoung pull your jaw, even more, catching all of your sounds with his mouth again. 

"I washed it-" you heard Ten enter the living room again and you wondered when he left in the first place. "Oh shit, yall already like this?" he commented and you dropped your hand from Doyoung's stomach to his crotch and felt his hard rock cock under the pants. He bit your lower lip again at the sensation and you whined, mirroring his heavy breaths. Then you whined again, this time alone when Kun's hands were quick to pull your sweater off your frame. He adjusted your blindfold again before palming your arms at the sudden goosebumps formed on your skin. 

In a second your lips got occupied again and this time you tasted Ten's chapstick instead of Doyoung's mints, the latter probably occupied with fumbling with your pants. Your bra got opened by Kun's hands at the same moment your bottoms got dragged away from your legs. Your knees buckled under Doyoung's cold touch and he whistled silently when you opened them up to drape over Kun's legs. The latter's fingers were gently cupping your soft breasts and you had to break off the kiss to pant. Ten didn't complain and promptly dropped to your chest instead, letting his tongue draw wet stripes around your nipples then flicking your swollen buds with such vigour to make you squirm in Kun’s arms. 

“You’re so fucking wet,” you heard Doyoung’s voice somewhere on your left, probably enjoying the view. “You like to have three guys all over you, don’t you?” 

Your mind started to buzz when Kun’s hands dropped to your stomach, your breasts occupied by Ten’s mouth, and when they grasped at the cotton of your panties you squeezed your thighs together. 

Doyoung clicked his tongue and lightly slapped them open again. “Be a good girl and open for Kun.” 

“Are you going to take my fingers well, baby?” you heard the latter whisper into your ear. You moaned, letting your head fall backwards on his shoulder and Kun was quick to suck on your exposed neck. 

“Yeah,” you breathed out and your hands automatically went to Ten’s hair and pulled when Doyoung hooked his fingers under your panties and dragged them down your legs. 

Completely nude in front of them, you could feel Kun’s jeans rubbing on your bare ass skin, his soft sweater making you want to fall deeper into his embrace. 

“Fuck, I might just cum right now,” Ten murmured, lightly caressing your legs.

You wondered what he was looking at but then in a moment your lips got parted by Kun's fingers and when he started to gently rub your wetness, everyone swore softly under their breath, and you knew.

You whined and arched your back into his touch, the thought of giving them all a show going to your head. And you got even dizzier when Kun turned your head around to shove his tongue inside your mouth just when you felt someone else's tongue lap at your core. 

The wet sounds were sinful and there were so many hands on your body that you squirmed, the heat of them collecting all inside the nub someone was mercilessly flicking. And when he groaned, breathing out on your pussy, you recognized his voice and tried to imagine just how hot Doyoung looked between your legs. 

"I want to see you," you murmured breathlessly against Kun's mouth. Ten clicked his tongue amused. 

"Don't think so."

"You need to cum first, baby. Is that alright?" Kun asked with a low raspy voice.

His hands kept roaming your breasts and his cock was so hard against your ass that you wanted him to bury it in you already.

A loud wet smack made it difficult for you to talk and Doyoung's soft laugh sent vibrations through your body. 

"Yeah. This is how I want you. Fucked so good it's difficult to talk." 

Your legs twitched as you felt his fingertips nudge at your entrance and when you felt one slowly pumping you, your own fingers gripped Kun's arms that were keeping up thighs apart.

"If you're like this with just one finger, what's going to happen with all of our cocks?" Ten wickedly whispered near your jaw and you realized he was kneeling on the couch near you. 

"Are you going to be a good girl and take Ten in your soft mouth, baby?" Kun's teeth grated at your earlobe and you gasped loudly, feeling Doyoung inserting his second finger, scissoring inside of you so deliciously to make you beg. 

"Close, please, so close-," you mumbled then moaned Doyoung's name as he sucked on your hard clit. 

Your sounds got all choked up as you felt Ten's fingers tapping at your lower lip. You opened your mouth wide, tongue out waiting for him. Kun's blunt nails dug into your ass at the view and Ten grunted, presumably fisting his cock before slowly pushing past your lips. You relaxed your jaw and lifted your palms to place on his stomach but Kun was quick to grab your wrists and block your movements. 

"We want you helpless, baby. No touching. Let Ten have fun with you as he pleases."

His voice was so teasing that your whined, face stuffed with Ten's cock, giving Doyoung even more drive to eat you all out. He knew you were close so he picked up the pace, for a moment the only sounds in the room - your wet pussy and choking sounds. The vibrations of your throat were driving Ten insane as he held your head with one hand and fucked your mouth. Kun's fingers flicking your nipples just added to it and you were completely gone, cumming on Doyoung's hot tongue in seconds, legs shaking and hands gripping the first thing you could find. 

"Fuck, you're so good," Ten's voice was becoming a whine as he let you go to breathe and come down your high. 

Doyoung's lips were peppering kisses on your thighs as Kun's praises lingered in your ears. 

"Now give us another one, babe," Doyoung hovered over you and kissed your lips, letting you have a taste of your arousal. 

You dragged the blindfold to your neck and squinted, the view keeping you dizzy. 

You turned your head to Ten and opened your mouth again, shifting off Kun's lap. Ten was quick to slide on your tongue, hand grabbing a fistful of your hair to anchor himself. You whined and felt Kun's hands grab your waist, letting him adjust your body on all fours to his liking. And when you heard his belt unbuckling, your whole body twitched again. 

"Shit," he let his palm drag between your wet lips, wetting his cock with his fist and pumping himself a few times. 

Ten was kind enough to slide out as Kun stretched you out because it felt so good that you gritted your teeth. 

"Good girl," Doyoung hummed, hand moving your hair out of your face. "Does that feel good?" 

"Yeah," you breathed out. "Want your cock too."

Doyoung inhaled sharply and took his phone out of the back pocket. Ten moaned curses and you looked up right in time to see the hot spurts before closing your eyes. You felt them on your face and you were quick to open your mouth as well. 

"Fuck, Y/N," Ten breathed out, collecting some with his fingers and shoving them in your mouth. You licked them thoroughly, jolting as Kun spanked your ass once as if requiring your attention. He didn't need that, because the way his heavy cock felt inside of you was the only thing roaming your head, and when Doyoung finally got close too, you realized what the phone was needed for. 

The buzz of the vibrator filled your ears and when he placed it on your nipples first you thought you were going to go insane. 

"Hm, our little fuck toy enjoys this quite a lot," Doyoung hummed, letting it slide down your stomach. 

"Do our little toy also want all of her pretty holes used?" Kun asked, his spit falling between your asscheeks under his thumb. He caressed you gently before giving it a trial press down. 

"Yeah yeah please," you breathed out, wiggling your ass against his stomach when he stopped fucking you. 

"Toy or cock princess?" Ten caressed your face with both hands, lips so close that you were dying to kiss him. 

"Cock."

"Hm," he smiled wickedly. "Doyoung, you heard the order."

Said man chuckled. "Yes ma'am."

Kun was quick to slide out and you whined at the sudden emptiness. The toy passed from Doyoung's hands to Ten's and for a moment you wondered what they would use that for now. 

"Ride me, love," Kun looked breathtaking leaning down on the couch. You turned around and straddled his lap, the build-up of your orgasm already gone and you were desperate to go back there. 

You closed your eyes as you sat on his cock again, sliding down slowly until meeting the base with your clit. Kun grabbed your waist and pulled you down on his chest, your nipples starting to rub on his sweater. You loved it but needed his naked body so you slid your palms underneath it to meet his hot skin. He lifted his arms up and threw it to the side, letting your breasts bounce on his face as you rolled your hips. 

A sudden movement made you turn your head behind you to where Doyoung placed himself. His palms soothed your spine and got to your face. You accepted his fingers into your mouth as Kun watched with open lips - just the view of his cock disappearing inside of you enough to make him go over the edge. As Doyoung's fingers gently nudged at your asshole, Kun gladly accepted your nipples in his mouth, hands squeezing the base of them. 

"Relax, baby. You're doing so well," Doyoung's low voice accompanied his fingering. 

"Fuck," you grabbed Kun's hands, the difference between their movements, gently and harsh, making you unable to think. And you almost forgot about Ten right where the buzz of the vibrator got closer to you. 

"Ah shit," Doyoung groaned through gritted teeth, his tip slowly going past your entrance. "I've always wanted to fuck your pretty ass."

You inhaled sharply at the sensation, Kun stopping with difficulty to give you time to adjust to Doyoung's girth and when you begged them to move again, they didn't hold back. 

It was intoxicating and so dirty that your head was spinning. They fucked you at different speeds on purpose and you were bouncing between their bodies like an actual fuck toy. 

"Such a good slut, taking two cocks at the same time," Ten commented, his hand already palming himself again. 

Kun let his head fall back and closed his eyes, his trembling hands on your waist telling you he was close. 

"Are you going to let Kun cum inside that little pussy of yours?" Doyoung leaned down, grabbing your jaw to tilt your head backwards.

"Yeah, yes, yes," you mumbled nonsense, so close to the edge yourself. 

Doyoung's hand slid to your neck and pressed a little, choking your loud moans.

It all got desperate in a matter of moments, Kun's rhythmic thrusts completely gone and Doyoung's quick snaps to keep you on edge, all until Kun groaned and went limp underneath you. His cum filled you all up as he thrust a few more times riding his high. 

"Not a single baby girl will remain unsatisfied," Ten announced, breath heavy thanks to the spectacle, the toy in his hands finally making sense when he placed it on your clit. Everyone groaned as you clenched on their cocks, Kun's half-hard one still inside of you. 

"Fuck, Ten-," he whimpered. 

"What is it, Kun? Can't take some overstimulation?" his friend teasingly retorted. 

"Cumming-cumming so close-," you fell on Kun's chest and he wrapped your body with his arms as it swung back and forth at Doyoung's movements. 

The latter was also close given his heavy breath and tight grip on your ass. 

"Are you going to cum with me, love?" he asked. "Can't do it alone, understood?" 

"Shit Doyoung-," 

"Understood?" he slapped your ass harshly and you mewled, nodding fast. 

"Keep that in," Ten whispered, adjusting the vibrator to hit the sweetest spot on purpose. 

Kun whined against your face, his cock already hard again inside of you but unable to move. 

"Three-," Doyoung's voice was rough. 

You whined, nails leaving red marks on Kun's shoulders. 

"I can't anymore!" 

"Two-"

Your legs started to shake uncontrollably as Doyoung's cock railed you just as intensly. 

"Cum for me princess," he finally ordered and you almost screamed, the orgasm washing over you so hard that you were afraid you'd blackout. Doyoung came just as hard, his cum filling your other hole to the rim. 

Ten gave you a break and took away the wet toy, his eyes blown out and panting lips. 

"You're so fucking gorgeous," he whispered. 

Kun's cock twitched inside of you and you let him go, sliding down on his body as Doyoung sat back on the couch, eyes trained on the way you were spilling with his seed. You let your legs drap over his thighs, resting on your stomach as you reached Kun's cock, eagerly taking it into your mouth. Your ass in the air on Doyoung's lap was too pretty to be left alone and Ten was quick to hand the other the toy. 

"Fuck, you're amazing," Kun grabbed your face, looking at the way you pursed your lips around him. 

You were a mess - pleasure tears poking at your eyes, saliva on your chin and cum sliding out of your holes. Doyoung was quick to push it inside again with the vibrator though, loving the way your ass jiggled in his hold under his light spanks. You cried out at the overstimulation then whined helplessly again as Ten spread your legs apart.

"Can you take me as well, love?" he pressed his tip on your raw clit and when you let out a positive moan he slid inside easily with a deep swear. He felt heavenly and his whiny void was by far the sexiest. 

Doyoung stood up to give Ten some room to play in and he got close to your stuffed face. You hummed around Kun's cock and your body shook as Ten gently placed the toy between your ass cheeks as he fucked your tight pussy.

You looked up at Doyoung with glossy eyes and letting Kun go for a moment you let your tongue out. 

                                                                                       “baby, please,” xiaojun whined, eyes tightly clasped and thick brows furrowed. you watched as his chest rose and fell dramatically, the moon’s rays that shone past the curtains bouncing off of his damp skin. “please stop teasing me.”

your lips curled into a mischievous smirk as you continued to kiss around his length, teeth nipping and tongue licking about every place but where he wanted you most. as your fingertips danced across his skin, you admired the way his teeth bit down on his bottom lip in near unbearable frustration. the sweat that collected at his hairline and the way his hands fought against the silk restraints tied to the headboard gave you this unexplainable sense of power. 

“how bad do you want me to stop?” you teased, ceasing your movements momentarily. xiaojun was silent yet his breathing did all of the speaking for him. the rapid breaths and slight twisting of his torso told you just what you needed to know, so you continued your ministrations—licking, biting, hovering over his aggravated dick. 

“you have been a good boy, though. i guess i should reward you.” you whispered, finally dipping your head to lead your flattened tongue from the base to the tip of his cock. hips jolting, xiaojun let out a breathy whimper as your tongue strokes up and down his shaft as if you were painting on a canvas. it circled the veins pulsating through his skin, the heartbeat evident in the palm of your hand as you pumped him teasingly slow. 

“y/n, faster, please.” xiaojun whined almost pathetically, eyes trained desperately on your movements. 

“faster, yeah?” you asked and xiaojun nodded his head simply, his tortured expression driving you mad. “faster it is.”

hand still wrapped around his shaft, your pace quickened abruptly, lifting a loud moan from his lips. you had begun to suck harshly on the tip of his dick and you allowed your free hand to massage and tug at his swollen balls. 

“fuck, fuck, fuck,” he whispered as his hips wildly twisted and turned. his wrists still strained against the ties, you felt how bad he wanted to bury his fingers into your hair and pull at your roots. as much as you were drawn to him being in control, his struggle only drove you to go harder and you removed your hand from his shaft to then take as much of him as you could down your throat, bobbing your head and swirling your tongue messily. 

xiaojun’s hips had begun to thrust into your mouth steadily and you matched his pace, allowing him to work his way to his orgasm. as his legs started to shake, his breaths had also become increasingly ragged and labored.

“y/n, i’m close. ah i’m so close, baby, f-fuck.” he groaned, hips moving impossibly faster to hit the back of your throat. naturally, you gagged around his dick, only resulting in louder groans and moans erupting from his mouth. his thrusts stuttered, signaling to you that his orgasm was arriving. 

as his groans filled the room, his warm cum painted your throat familiarly. it gave you great satisfaction to watch as legs shuddered and chest rose up and down heavily in response to your actions, showing the great effect you have on his body. selfishly, you wanted more. 

“ugh, your mouth is always so good to me, baby.'' he said breathlessly, a weak smile on his face as you pulled away. you gave him a sweet grin and traveled up his body, placing kisses up his torso until your lips finally met his. xiaojun moaned when you swirl your tongue with his, giving him a taste of the mess he made. 

“i’m glad you enjoyed it.” you murmured proudly once you pulled away from the kiss. 

“as always, my love. now,” he regarded his wrists, twisting them about for show. “let me take care of you.”

“yeah, about that...” you smirked, eyes trained on his slightly reddened lips. you watched with unadulterated satisfaction as xiaojun’s smile quickly faded. “open.” 

xiaojun looked at you with much confusion in his eyes to then realize you wanted him to open his mouth. once he opened reluctantly, you dipped your fingers inside and gathered his spit from the middle of his tongue, swirling the pads along the surface. 

you then brought your fingers back towards your face and to your mouth, your spit dripping down slowly to collect with his. along with a soft moan, xiaojun watched as that hand crept down his torso and found his flaccid dick, grasping a handful and tugging at it vigorously. 

“ah! what’re you doing?” he questioned in a panicked state, obviously still incredibly sensitive from his recent release. his hips jolted violently as he tried to evade the pleasure though you held him incredibly tight in your hand. you continued your movements, coming eye to eye with him even as his were firmly shut.

“what’s wrong baby?” you mocked, sinister smile plastered on your face. he struggled to reopen his eyes, but once he made eye contact with you, he couldn’t help the moans from escaping. 

“p-please, oh,” xiaojun couldn’t control the whimpers of your name as your hand increased its pace, doing its best to jerk the whole of his length. 

“come on, baby boy. i know you can take it.” your mouth parallel to his ear, whispering things you knew would egg him on. “give me one more, pretty boy.”

his brows were furrowed impossibly hard, frustration evident on his face. “i-i can’t.” you let out an exaggerated sigh of disappointment, expression reading of irritation.

“you can and you will.” you replied sternly, moving down his body to come face to face with his dick once again. maintaining eye contact, your tongue delivered kitten licks around the tip and eventually moved to suckle straight on the head, eliciting a series of high pitched whimpers from xiaojun. 

you could feel in his tensing of his thighs that he was close, but also fighting against the overwhelming sensation. 

“don’t forget about our safe word, baby.” you reminded him. teary-eyed, xiaojun nodded his head and took his bottom lip into his mouth harshly. you took that as a signal to continue so you decided to go harder, swallowing in his cock completely. 

at this point, nothing but gibberish spilled from xiaojun’s lips as you deepthroated him, swallowing around his dick and humming in satisfaction at the mess you’ve made of him. the manner in which his hips thrashed against your face was so pleasing and you enjoyed trying your best to hold his hips still. 

“i’m coming, i’m coming, i’m coming,” whimpering as his dick goes incredibly deep in your throat, xiaojun spurted ropes of his cum in your mouth rigidly. he wiggled about as you sucked him through his high, mouth popping off once you milked him completely. 

you stood from the bed, observing the hard work you’d done. xiaojun’s hair tousled every which way, bare chest glistening with sweat, hands fallen limp against the ties—it was a pretty sight to see. 

you moved to remove his wrists from the ties, watching as his hands collapsed plainly above his head. 

“you alright, junnie?” you questioned, hovering your face over his. his hot breath fanned against your visage as he opened his heavy lids to connect his gaze with you. his hands, slightly clammy, feebly reached up to caress your face, bringing you down to meet his lips with a tender kiss. 

     - By today, the shooting of the video is over! Thank you all for the work done, everyone is free! - said the director, and the guys could finally exhale. The staff collected the decorations, and the guys went to the dressing rooms. They had ten minutes to change - a car was already waiting for them on the street to take them to the dorm.

Johnny was sorry to part with his clothes for filming, because he really loved the style that the stylists chose for him. When he went to the store himself, he could choose clothes like a bum-style type, which upset him. While Johnny was changing, he had the thought that now he would have to return to his empty dorm room, where no one was waiting for him, and the second part of the bed was cold and not warmed by anyone’s body.

He had a neighbor named Taeyong, but the next week he is going to move to his boyfriend Jaehyun’s, so they would leave him all alone in the room. Sometimes he was so jealous of them. Johnny also wanted to have someone who could lie on top, and he would bury his fingers in the hair of this “someone”, which are still a little damp after a shower, and would exchange soft kisses with him, talking about something of theirs, secret.

And so the group was standing by the car. While the guys getting into the car, Johnny tried to order food delivery, because he is exhausted. He take a seat next to Mark, and they started discussing the filming and remembered how Jaehyun blushed when they forced him to shoot a video with the tackle phrase “Jeogiyo nuna hokshi namjachingu isseoyo”. After hearing it, Yoonoh blushed again and hid behind Taeyong’s back, who responded by gently stroking his head.

While they had such conversations, they quickly got to dorm, and fled to their rooms, because everyone wanted to wash finally off the makeup that irritated the skin. Taeyong took the bathroom, and Johnny cheered himself up and go to Instagram, while waiting for a friend to free room. Since he is a great connoisseur of high-quality photos, he follows many photographers and on average he spent four hours a day on Instagram.

      - This is outstanding ... Taeyong, come here! Look what a gorgeous shot! I’m crazy about this photographer! - Johnny yelled while lifting his phone into the air.

      - You say that about every photographer you follow, - Tae replied trying not to move his facial muscles to keep the mask from slipping. - And if it’s an animal on the photo ... - he did not have time to finish the sentence, because Johnny poked him with his phone almost in the face.

      - Just look! What color correction, what kind of exposure, and how well the background is visible, which does not distract from the foreground. Everything is harmonious as hell! - Suh shakes his phone. - I won’t find content on Instagram better than animals or professional photography, - Johnny switched to the recommendations feed.

      - I wouldn’t be so sure. I also thought so before, but you know, Instagram recommendations can throw something interesting. I’ve found so many edits made by our fans. When I’m not in the mood, they amuse me, - replied Lee, removing the mask and smearing the remnants of it on his neck with thin fingers.

      - Well, yes, artificial intelligence does not stand still, but it will definitely not be cooler than well-taken photographs or animals. - said Johnny, accidentally clicking on the first post in the recommendations.

The video showed a guy was on his knees and pressed his buttocks to the pole. When the calm music began, he threw one hand on the pole, and the other temptingly ran over the body. Then he spread his knees to the sides, grabbed the pole with both hands and turned over in the air, as if this did not require special strength, standing on his right leg, and wrapping his left leg around the pole. All his movements were smooth and calm, like a surface of a sea on an early sunny morning. The video was short, but Johnny seems to have spent a lot more watching, and Taeyong pulled him out of the trance by snapping his fingers to his ear.

      - Hey, I told you here how the guys and I spent the weekend, and you didn’t even hummed. You seem to have seen a new photo there that fascinated you? - said Lee and tried to look at the elder’s phone, but last quickly blocked it.

      - No, I thought about the upcoming photo sessions. Again, so many things will have to be applied, the hair will be torment ... - Johnny tried to redirect topic in another side, because he knew that Lee was a fan of crying about transformations during each comeback and how he fed up with everything.

      - Oh yes, this is awfull. They will paint me in long-ass colour again and dress something on me, like in Fire Truck’s era ... - Taeyong complained.

_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ -_- _-_- _-_- _-_- _-_- _-_- _-_- _-_- 

Several weeks after that video, Johnny followed actively that dancer. His name was Ten, and it turned out that he danced not only on the pole but also hip-hop, traditional Chinese dances, and even ballet ... Of course, pole dancing received the most views and admired comments. Suh watched and commented on all Ten’s videos, were on all the lives and tried to memorize every guy’s emotion.

- So, we have everybody here broken down by parts, so while the rap-line is being recorded, the vocals can have some rest. You can go take a coffee, - said the record director and disappeared into the studio with Mark and Taeyong.

Jungwoo promised that he would stay at the studio and write to the American in case of anything, so Johnny went to the cafe downstairs for calm breakfast with meringues and coffee.

He felt like a teenager when he thought about how to get attention from this handsome guy dancer. At first Johnny thought about writing Ten in direct, but he probably already has a lot of fans, so Johnny’s message will just get lost among a bunch of others. Then he thought to invite Ten as a backing dancer to their video, but they already had enough people, and then Suh thought if he received such an offer, he would definitely block this person. Therefore, Johnny was waiting for an opportunity to drive up to the guy as invisibly as possible.

Suddenly, a notification came that Ten had a new post. Opening it, Johnny flew out of this world altogether: in the video, Ten, slightly sag in the back, leaning on the pole only with his shoulder blades, but what Suh paid all his attention to was that the dancer was on high heels. Rather rhythmic music played, but Ten hit the beat with every particle of his body, captivating the American’s mind. He arching as if his bones were made from gelatin. Ten playfully shot his eyes into the lens, and Johnny felt like these eyes were hitting into his heart. Eagerly absorbing every movement, repeating Ten’s emotions on his face. When the dance ended, Ten found himself in the same position as in the beginning.

Johnny really regretted that he didn’t smoke, otherwise he would have smoked a whole pack. So he took a cup of Americano brought by the server and drank it all in a few sips. Johnny just forgot how to breathe. Previously, he did not notice a special love for dancing, especially the pole, he just did not understand the meaning. And now he is ready to find out the address of the studio where Ten dances, and even if this is some god-choked club somewhere on the edge of the city - Johnny is ready to come there and watch the guy dances, and then come to the hostel and will fantasize, remembering his cunning, fox gaze and light movements. Although somewhere deep in his soul he wanted Ten to dance only for him. Johnny was even ready to give him a room in his future apartment where Ten would dance only for him.

From such thoughts the blood rushed to the right place, but Johnny had no time to go to relax - he saw a message from Jungwoo: he wrote that it was time for them to go recording. So he quickly finished eating the meringue and having paid, ran up the stairs.

-_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- - -

The guys were exhausted: they had a promotion for the “Cherry Bomb” tour, and the last city they sang was Seoul. Before the concert there were three days off, the group divided into units: one unit slept all day, got up to eat in the evening, and went to bed again, and the second unit just played games all day, ate a lot and lay in bed, conducting live.

The time was approaching midnight, when Johnny tired of watching YouTube, so he remembered about Ten’s Instagram. When he opened the application, he immediately saw a post about Lulu, a cute short-legged cat, very popular on YouTube, who also had a “brother”. It was a short video of Lulu trying to steal a piece of cake from the hostess. This made Johnny uwu-face and flipped down the page, bumping into Ten’s post. It said that they were recruiting for a pole dancing group.

At first Johnny lit up with joy, as this is a great opportunity to roll up to the guy and pull him into his net. But he is an idol, the day after tomorrow is a concert, he needs to rest ... He weighed the pros and cons for a very long time and finally went to Taeyong, who probably did not sleep because he is working on the lyrics of a new song.

Johnny tapped his knuckles gently on the wooden door. After a couple of seconds, he heard Tae’s stomping outside the door and a tousled head appeared from there with glasses slipping to the tip of his nose.

- Oh Johnny, it’s you. Come in, just try as quietly as possible - Jae-na fall asleep, he was spinning for a long time and could not sleep, - Lee whispered, opening the door wider and letting in the guest.

Suh sat down on Taeyong’s bed and wondered how to tell properly his friend about the situation, and decided that it would be better to dump everything on a clean one.

- Taeyong, I just decided ... I want to go pole dancing. What do you think about it? Johnny asked, looking up hesitantly at Lee, who was intently crossing out individual lines of the song in his notebook. He was not even surprised at this question and just asked.

-And who is this lucky guy that you want to attract? - with a slight grin on his face.

Johnny at first did not understand what the guy was driving at, and told that he had read somewhere there that it is useful for physical fitness, like you won’t be a jerk, but your hands will be strong. And then he realized, so he ran his eyes around the room, trying not to show it.

- In what sense of “lucky-guy”? I just decided for myself. I saw one guy dancing ... - Suh started talking, but was interrupted by Lee, who finished the sentence in his place.

- And you conquered him with your skills, am I right? Taeyong finally raised his head and turned sideways to his friend.

Johnny’s face was full of emotion, but the first thing Taeyong saw was embarrassment. He hit the mark.

- But how did you guess? - the American rubbed the tips of his ears.

- Well, first - you were never very interested in dancing at rehearsals, I never saw yours much zeal to dancing. Second, - Tae bent his second finger, turning his back to Johnny and recording something, - everyone has noticed for a long time that you spend a lot of time on the phone watching videos of some dancer on repeat. And our Doyoung, like a bloodhound dog, found him in your subscriptions and we also watched all of his videos. You have a good taste for guys, Johnny-hyung, - said Taeyong mockingly, making the elder blush even more and stare at the floor, - Well, third, even though you wear oversized clothes, yours “daddy” is all it is equally visible and he gives you up with giblets.

Johnny reflexively grabbed onto the aforementioned spot, covering it up, making Taeyong burst out laughing.

- But how did you all know? Johnny asked to deflect the subject from such an awkward moment.

- Well at least that you look hilarious when you watch him dancing and try to copy his facial expressions. And also, when you were dancing in the training hall with headphones on, I could admire how you tried to sit on the splits and your pants were torn right in the middle. - Lee could no longer restrain himself and burst into soundless laughter.

Johnny would fall through the floor if he found out that this shame was seen by someone else, but he can trust Lee, so they laughed, but not loudly, as Yoonoh tossed and turn in his sleep and Taeyong left to calm him down and sang him a song.

Johnny continued to sit on the edge of the bed, face propped in his hands, and watched about the couple. They were insanely cute: Jaehyun would often massage Taeyong’s back and legs on set because the latter was training too hard and was exhausted, and Yoonoh also brought food for Lee because Taeyong usually forgot to eat during day and then ate so much before going to bed and half of the night turning from side to side. Taeyong always asked everyone to be quiet in the car when Jaehyun fell asleep on his shoulder or lap; they were at the gunpoint of the cameras and behaved cautiously, no one could say that they were meeting, but the tenderness that they gave to each other was in the air and encouraged others to meet the soul mate, for whom they would want to move mountains. If they fought, then at most they could not talk for half an hour, one of them always came to another and childishly held out his little finger with the words “Make friends, make friends, Never, never break friends, if you do - You’ll catch the flu, And that will be the end of you”, and in the morning Mark and Donghyuck, who live next door, complained of banging on the wall and low sighs.

Johnny took a deep breath because he wasn’t sure guys like Ten needed a relationship. He seems to be married to the gym and pole. Meanwhile, Lee calmed Jung down and returned to the chair. Johnny looked up and asked hesitantly.

      - Well, since you already know everything about this, then ... Should I try?

Taeyong was silent for a minute, and then he spoke.

      - I think yes. It will be very difficult for you, but I am confident in you like in no one else.

      - To be honest, I’m terrified. I’ll be like a cow on ice ...

      - Love overpowers fear, - Taeyong whispered mysteriously and returned to his notes.

But really, what would he lose if he just tried? Yes, he will look ridiculous trying to climb the pole, but isn’t it worth it to make Ten laugh and cheer him up? When Doyoung was sad before the vlive, Johnny made him laugh in more ridiculous ways, and nothing, no one stopped loving him less because of this. Johnny decided that he should justify the feelings that arose in him six months ago, and he would rather get a refusal now than continue to sigh mindlessly for this guy.

      - You’re right, - Johnny whispered sharply and frightened Taeyong, who had already forgotten that Suh is still here, - I’ll take this first step towards winning the dancer’s heart, and either I’ll be refused, or I can bathe in his love.

＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／ ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／ ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／

After speaking a little more with Tae and finally dispelling his indecision, Johnny returned to his room. Now he had to write to Ten about his desire to dance, but it was not as easy as he imagined. He could only hope that his message would not get lost among others. He opened a direct with Ten.

Hello! Saw yours last post about recruiting a pole dance group. Are there still free positions?

He wrote this with shaking hands, but was very glad that he dared to take such a step. Deciding to distract himself from waiting of the dancers answer, Suh turned on video. It was fourteen minutes to three o’clock in the morning when Johnny received an Instagram alert on his phone.

Hi Hi. Just in time for the last. When will it be convenient for you to come?

The American was as delighted with the message as the schoolgirl to whom her love was answered. He wanted to squeak, but remembered in time that it was now like night. So Johnny buried himself in the pillow and muttered something joyful in his own way and then exhaled deeply. For a long time he could not leave the message read.

I don’t know yet, because I have a work, but I would like to get to your group.

Johnny wrote to Ten, hit the send button and immediately fall asleep.

In the morning his message was read, but with no response. Johnny imagined thousand and one reasons of his stupidness and was already ready to cry in Taeyong’s shoulder but he was stopped by Mark, who pleased the older one to reconcile him with Donghyuck, because he accidentally deleted a game from theirs computer because of lack of memory, and now the youngest was mortally offended by him. During lunch and Johnny did not touch the phone again. And only when they went to their rooms, Johnny finally remembered the correspondence.

He had never run to the phone so quickly. Grabbing it, Johnny sighed with relief: Ten answered. He did not dare to open the message for a long time, fearing rejection, but then he remembered Taeyong’s words and said “Well, no matter what, i open” and read the message.

If you want, you can come to the introductory lesson tomorrow at twenty minutes to three in the afternoon.

Johnny could not believe his happiness: tomorrow he will see this charm boy live and that is why he became strange, because after that he happily jogged in the room and shouted - Who is sexy Frau? I am sexy Frau!!, without even thinking - Frau is a woman, but he can say so, he has such an event. He picked up the phone and wrote a message:

Oh, sure. What should I take with me?

The answer came quickly, as if Ten were expecting his message:

Yourself.

Johnny wondered if either Ten was as weird as he was, or that the message was not meant for him. But he decided not to upset himself and just hugged the phone, imagining tomorrow.

＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／ ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／ ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／

Arriving at the address showed by Ten, Johnny doubted for a very long time: was this message really was intended for him? Maybe Ten is expecting to see someone another. In moments like this, Suh forgets that he is an idol. He sat down on the sofa in the hall and waited.

Johnny was drawn from his thoughts by a human shadow blocking the light in front of him. He looked up and gasped - it was Ten who smiled to him. Johnny sat with his mouth open, and Ten realized how much he impressed Suh - he silently pulled Johnny with him. As the man stood up and followed the dancer, he noticed his height advantage and noted the strength with which Ten was pulling him forward.

They didn’t walk long, but during that time Johnny had time to study him: he had beautifully tousled silver hair, he was wearing a big loose T-shirt and sweatpants, and he smelled a mix of a little sweat and fresh mint. Johnny was so shocked to be so close to Ten that he didn’t even notice bringing him to the training room: it looked much smaller than theirs room, but it was just as cozy here, and Johnny thought the soundproofing was better here than in theirs company’s gym.

- So what dance would you like to dance? - asked Ten with honey voice, closing the door behind him. Johnny became very uncomfortable, because they were together there, and then his “daddy” made itself felt, showing through the fabric of tight jeans. I thought about wearing something loose,- he thoughts, and then looked up and caught the curious gaze of a dancer who was grinning and looking as sly as in his video.

- I would like to.. With you in ... I mean, dance on the pylon, you do it so wonderful and easily, it’s incredible ... - Johnny explained, looking at the floor like a child guilty of something. Ten only nodded in response to his praise.

- Well, since you are so amazed, would you like to see one of my best dances? - asked Ten after a pause and, without waiting for an answer, turned to the speakers behind him to find the music. - You can sit there - Ten pointed on the rugs.

Johnny decided that sitting down would be the best decision he made today. He sat down on the mat and, as it seemed to him, imperceptibly corrected his disgrace in his pants, but Ten saw everything watching the American in the mirror. Dancer just grinned at this maneuver.

Ten finally found the song, turned it on and ran briskly to the pole. He shook his head, stretched, and the song “Baby Don’t Like It “played. Johnny didn’t even immediately realize that it was a song from his group, he just thought he had already heard it somewhere.

Ten’s shoulders were wider than the guys his height, but he was very slim and flexible. Every movement of his hips made Johnny squeal inside, his arms were thin and even seemed a little feminine, but when he grabbed the pole, Suh opened his mouth in surprise and wondering where so much power in such a body. The song was alluring, and the atmosphere which Ten created with his dance was such that you can cut the air with a knife. At first, Johnny was controlling himself, but then he gazed at the guy. He even rarely blinked so as not to miss a single movement. There was nothing vulgar in dancer’s movements, but the way he presented the dance left nothing in his thoughts, except sexual fantasies. The guy glides along the pylon like a snake, and that sly look pins to Suh. Ten definitely understood his sexuality and knew what to press on. From time to time Johnny pinched his own hand to calm down a little.

Alas, Ten’s dance came to the end, and Johnny again did not even notice. His throat was dry, he wanted to drink even more than then in the cafe. With this dance, Ten finally won Suh’s heart.

- What do you think about it? - asked Ten. He slid down the pylon and sat on the floor opposite Johnny.

- You’re just like God, - croaked American. The dancer only smiled at this.

- You can just call me Ten.

Johnny didn’t know what to say to that and just hummed. He thought it would be much easier in live communication. Ten seemed not even tense. But he apparently felt that the tension was still there and emanated from Johnny.

- Well, will you sit and be silent, or will you offer to go on a date? - Ten interrupted the silence, getting closer to Johnny. Suh did not expect such a turn.

- Sorry, what?

- Come on, they’ve already told me everything about your love for me. I am the best friend of one of your group mate, and he told me about your feelings, - the dancer laughed, standing up from the floor and sitting down next to Suh, who was crazy about the situation. - At first I didn’t believe it either, because I have been a fan of yours group for a long time, and my bias is a fan of my dances, - Ten continued to twitter while Johnny was digesting the information. He could just use one of his morons - classmates, but he sat for six months like an idiot and suffered?

Did it suddenly happen that the person he loved was also a fan? Well, it flabbergasted me. Johnny just couldn’t help but smile with happiness.

Interrupting Ten’s speech, Suh pulled him into a gentle kiss, gently hugging the guy by the shoulders, because he was afraid of breaking Ten’s back with his strength. As expected, this guy is wonderful in everything, even in the kiss he brought his individuality. When they pulled away from each other, Ten chuckled.

- Well, actually, at first I would prefer to go on a date, but I also like your version. But wait a minute.

Ten got to his feet and turned the key in the lock, and then came back, knelt down directly to Suh and crawled on top of him like a cat.

- So where did we stop?

＼ （Ｔ∇Ｔ） ／ ＼ （Ｔ∇Ｔ） ／ ＼ （Ｔ∇Ｔ） ／

After a hot relaxation in the training room, Ten and Johnny took a shower separately, and Suh, like a gentleman, invited the guy to dinner. They went to the ramen cafe, where they ordered a few servings of noodles because they lost a lot of calories. It turned out they were like two pears in a pod: Ten argued with Johnny, who would eat two portions of ramen faster. Suh would win, but so as not to upset Ten, he patiently waited for him to eat his portions first, and then, like a child, rejoiced for him, clutching his cheeks.

Because despite girls lamenting about the games they played, and despite girls ganging up on, writing about and exposing them all they could, these fuckboys continued to exist. They continued to have more staying power than good guys. And the truth of it was very easy for you to see. Fuckboys existed because girls allowed them to exist. Girls like you. Girls that wanted the thrill of the unknown when it was paired with the accessibility of sex. Fuckboys never turned down sex. And you never turned down a fuckboy.

In some ways, you think you were addicted to them. You liked to think you had a higher sex drive than most, but even so, you needed your nights to be spend in the sharp oblivion of pleasure that these fuckboys brought you. It was your reward for working so hard during the days. You had a roster (rather, a black book) full of them. You had told yourself you’d go through all of them before you graduated and insofar, you had been pretty steady in your ambition. But there was one thorn in your side, that no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t remove. The fucker that had pricked at you for way too long, but not in the way you’d hoped.

Lee Haechan. 

He was one fuckboy, who, despite your tireless efforts, had never rolled in the hay with you. And dammit, tried you had. You had tried to get his attention many times, but he’d never really looked your way. You hated him. Because this thorn on your side had eventually started to mess with your head and your ambition and your roster. Good thing he hated you in return.

You couldn’t say what it was. But the best way you’d explain it is that you had a mental bug that liked patterns and it had made you sleep in patterns and study in patterns and eat in patterns and fuck in patterns. You had gone through your damned black book in patterns and he was. Messing. It. The. Fuck. Up. You hated him.

What was it that made him so arrogant, anyway? 

He wasn’t as good looking as the rest of his friends. He wasn’t that rich or that talented or that special in any way of the word compared to the people he hung around. You knew because you could swear you had fucked half of them.

You knew he hung around with Wong Yukhei. That boy was tall and gorgeous, even if he didn’t come from money. He had a face you could stare at without getting bored, and he was always down to fuck, even during times you’d hear he was seeing someone. So what if looked in the mirror every time you fucked? If you had a face like that, you’d keep looking in the mirror, too.

You knew his roommate was an older student, but he was handsome and had a banging body. He had a talent in fucking with a cock to match, and you suspected that if you had fucked him more than once, you could’ve actually fallen for him. But he was about to graduate soon and your need for a cock between your legs was greater than your need for a grip on your heart.

One of his other friends was Lee Jeno. And truth be told, you needed to fuck Lee Haechan so you could strike him off your roster and finally get to Lee Jeno. You needed to complete that pattern because fuck you, Lee Jeno was getting hotter and hotter by the day and you’d just sat through one of his swimming championships and spent the entire time ogling at the way his briefs clung to his bulge for dear life and your mouth had watered so bad that you’d gotten home that night and rubbed your pussy raw till you knocked out.

So, yes. Lee Haechan was a thorn on your side. He was a roadblock you needed to get past. You needed to put his arrogant prick inside of you so you could get over it and move on and start sleeping around the way God had intended. You fucking hated that he was down to fuck anything that fucking moved but he didn’t want to fuck with you and you didn’t know why. The arrogant fucking asshole. You hated him with everything you had and you needed to fuck him just to wipe that arrogant smile from his face.

It was just as well that the new semester was about to begin, because the break had given you some time to think and organize your plan of action. It didn’t take much scheming effort to find out what classes Lee Haechan was opting for this time around. He always did whatever Lee Mark did and Lee Mark’s girlfriend had a big old mouth when she was drunk and a girls night out with tequilas-a-plenty before school began seemed like the right thing to do and as you knew it, you had a complete list of Lee Haechan’s whereabouts by the time you got home. You were going to be a thorn in his side just like he was till he gave up his arrogant act and just gave it up.

So you came home buzzed that night and signed up for as many classes with Lee Haechan as you could. But it wasn’t enough. The alcohol in your veins was making you want to do something more reckless, so you whipped your phone out and opened Snapchat, only to discover that the motherfucker in question had you blocked.

What an asshole.

But it was okay. Snapchat wasn’t the only SNS you were on. How much more could he hide from you? You went on Instagram instead and shamelessly slid into his DMs. You stood in front of your floor length mirror ass-first and took a picture. You looked cute as fuck. It didn’t matter to you that the hem of your dress was hitching dangerously high. You looked good. You typed in,

‘too much ass for the first day back 🍑?’ as your caption and you hit send.

You smiled to yourself in the mirror. Who could resist you? No one could. Even tonight, on what was presumably a girls night out, men were all over you. Dancing with you in the club, grinding up against your ass in their drunken, lustful haze. Wanting to get you alone. Not many men had ever turned you down. Lee fucking Haechan had to be some sort of a saint. 

You felt the adrenaline in your veins when you heard your phone buzz. Maybe he wasn’t a saint after all. You read his message,

‘Why you asking me?’

You smirked and laid down your bait.

‘wait, who dis? aren’t you lee donghyun?’ you shamelessly typed in.

‘Wrong message I’m guessing? This is Lee Donghyuck.’

‘who tf is lee donghyuck? Idk any lee donghyuck, why r u on my list?’

‘it’s haechan?’

‘ew okay. This wasn’t for you. Don’t be a perv and screenshot or anything okay?’ You were an expert liar.

‘Wasn’t planning on it, L/N,’ was all the fucker sent back. You needed more ammo, so you sent,

‘what if it was for you 😉’

You didn’t get a reply for a while and you thought this was it for the night. But as you were getting ready for bed, your phone finally buzzed.

‘In that case, yeah, it is too much ig’

You smirked to yourself. Operation Fuck Lee Haechan seemed a-go, 

All things considered, you were having the perfect first day back. All your schedules aligned incredibly with all your other socials. You found yourself the perfect outfit that made you look cute enough for college and attractive enough for the boys. As if for a litmus test, you had purposely taken the long route so you’d run into Woobin. He had never been able to resist you and before your second class had begun, you had even fooled around with him a little bit. It was nice to know that the boys hadn’t lost interest in you. Dicks tend to be fickle, and you had wondered if most of your fuckboys had found other flings during the break. But knowing that you still had them riveted gave you the confidence that you still had it. It would’ve been the absolute perfect day, all things considered.

Except when you finally made it to the first class you had together with Lee Haechan, you learnt that the TA had the seats pre-assigned. Which put him next to another girl. It wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t kept smiling at her throughout the class. Not that that had ever been a barrier for you. But still, it was another stupid obstacle you’d have to go through if you didn’t do something about it sooner rather than later.

So, as the class ended, you knew you had to get at least one chat in.

“Since when are you called Donghyuck?” you almost inconsiderately barged into his conversation with the girl. She seemed nice enough, but men were creatures of little focus. You needed to block her away from his vision so she’d be out of his sight and out of his mind.

But Lee Haechan was right in your sight. And you saw that he’d caught a nice suntan in the break because his skin was glistening gold beneath the denim jacket he wore. You wondered if all of him was as golden.

“Since birth? Why do you ask?” he replied shortly. He had been talking to the other girl just fine. Why the fuck was he being so rude to you?

“How come people call you Haechan then?” you kept talking.

“None of your business,” he rolled his eyes and the girl behind you giggled. What a bitch she was and what an asshole he was. He had the audacity to quip at you and walk away.

“Okay, ruuude!” you called after him, but let it go. You knew guys usually acted differently around others in particular and in public in general. So you waited till the sun went down--you had learnt that people’s inhibitions tended to lower in the darkness of the night. 

And in the cover of that night, you unbuttoned your top more than you should and zoomed in on your cleavage with your phone and took a picture.

‘Is it my business now?’ you sent.

The motherfucker left you on seen.

The thing with people with dicks is that they seldom use their brain. The moment they start using their minds, one could hypothetically grab them by the balls and make the blood rush to their cocks rather than their skull. That would usually set them right. You were blessed that the TA was a person with a dick. Because a quick handjob in the office was all that was required for him to rearrange the seating plan and situate you right next to Lee Haechan. 

You couldn’t help but smile wide as you entered the lecture hall that day, much earlier than you needed to, and made your way to your new seat. You put your things on Haechan’s seat and waited for the drama to unroll. You saw him entering with that girl and you scoffed when you saw that he was carrying her things. He’d only known her, what? Three days? And he already wanted in her pants. Why else would he be carrying her shit?

Then again, you wanted in his pants, and people often did strange things when their sexual desires and pants were at stake.

“Y/N, this isn’t your seat,” Haechan said impatiently, not even sparing a full look your way. But you looked at him by the eyeful. He was wearing the college hoodie and his legs looked longer than usual. You had two full hours to ogle at him. You could easily take a couple of minutes to revel in the unfolding of your scheme,  just to see the pair of them seethe first.

“Um, yeah it is?” you rolled your eyes at him, because your last interaction had been annoying you more than necessary and you needed to return the gesture.

You heard him let out an exhale. “This is Yeri’s assigned seat. You can keep sitting here but the TA is going to have you move when class begins, anyway,” you could tell he was trying to keep his voice even, exasperated as he sounded.

“Oh, but haven’t you seen? There’s a new seating plan. The TA just posted it!” you held your phone out and showed them the class portal. 

Haechan took your phone and held it closer to see and you saw the slightly sheepish moment of realization when he realized he was wrong. He gave that girl an apologetic look and she shrugged and walked away all the way to the opposite corner of the hall where you had the TA banish her. Having people by the balls was always an advantage. 

You put on your best fake smile as you looked at them and moved your stuff from Haechan’s chair. It felt sweet to be this petty. And begrudgingly, he sat next to you, his body language agitated and his gaze locked straight ahead like he had blinders on. Like he wanted to pretend you didn’t even exist.

But you made your presence known wherever you went. That was something you took pride in. So what if this arrogant fucker wanted to pretend you didn’t exist. You had promised yourself to be a thorn on his side and you were nothing if not consistent. 

“I’ve been trying this new perfume. The one I used to wear got discontinued, which is a travesty,” you began to speak. But the fucker didn’t even hum in response. So you stuck your wrist at him.

“Do you like it?” you waved your wrist under his nose and got the pleasure of getting a reaction out of him, even if it were one of pure annoyance.

“Smells a little like desperation,” he muttered. 

Rude fucking asshole. 

You pulled your wrist back in and straightened in your chair. Why the fuck did he have to be so rude? 

“Now, now, Lee Haechan. All of NCTIT knows you’re not one to turn down a girl in need.”

“And all of NCTIT knows that you’ve got plenty of ways to satisfy that need,” he spoke in an annoyed tone and still didn’t look at you.

“Don’t be rude. I’m just trying to have a little fun,” you lightly tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie but he moved away from your grip.

“Do whatever you want, but get off my back.”

“I haven’t even begun to get on your back, Lee Haechan.”

“What do you want from me?” he suddenly turned to look at your face. He didn’t look angry or annoyed anymore. He just looked cold. You smirked. Some fuckboys were served hot and some were best enjoyed cold. You like them both ways.

“Unblock me on Snapchat.” you smiled at him.

“That’s what’s going to get you to leave me alone?” he cocked an eyebrow.

“Mhmm,” you nodded, smiling wider. You saw that the more you smiled, the more he tried to void himself of a reaction. It was amazing to see him struggle. He pushed his phone to your face just before class began, to show you the proof in the Snapchat pudding.

That night, you sat in nothing but your cutest set of bra and panties and got carried away. Your body looked amazing. You had curves and dips in all the right places and a face to match. Your skin was glowing, your hair looked perfect, and no one wore underwear as well as you did. It wasn’t a secret to you that boys wanted you. What you were seeing in the mirror was proof enough. It wasn’t illegal to flaunt what you already have. So what was meant to be a quick selfie turned into a 30-minute photoshoot. You took so many pictures of yourself that you had enough thirst traps to last you weeks. But these days, you only had one person to trap.

You picked out the cutest picture from the reel, one where the light hit your tits and ass just right and opened Snapchat and sent it to your victim.

‘one before bed x’ 

You didn’t expect a reply back, at least not yet. You didn’t expect that he’d take a screenshot, either. You smirked, even in your sleep because Lee Haechan had taken the bait.

This would’ve been the lamest Halloween party in the world, even if Lee Haechan wasn’t sucking face with that girl. 

He wasn’t even dressed that special. He had put together the laziest Dracula costume that existed, and in a world where you weren’t hellbent on chasing him, you wouldn’t even have noticed him. You had been invited to so many other parties. You could’ve gone to any of them and had a better time. But the 127 party was where you would find him and that’s where you had to be. Now that you were here though, you wondered what good it did to put in all that effort to dress up. This was a perfect waste of your favorite black lingerie. You could’ve saved it for a better party, one where you had more eyes on you. The boys in here were drunk out of their fucking minds to notice you much. You hated being here more than you hated Lee Haechan.

“That is quite the tail you’ve got there,” you heard a voice behind you. 

The voice came from behind a Squid Game Triangle Masked Man, so it wasn’t totally rude to give the rest of the body a once over… you couldn’t exactly see the eyes behind the mask now, could you? You didn’t hate what you could see.

“That’s quite the… pink overall you’ve got there yourself,” you smiled and stood up straighter and pushed your shoulders back. Your lingerie top put plenty of tit on display and it had been irking you all night that not one man had tried to hit on you yet. 

The man unmasked himself and you actually felt the heat grow between your legs when you discovered it was none other than Lee Jeno himself. You had gotten so lost in your schemes, that you had forgotten Lee Jeno was the reason you’d been going through all that bother with Lee Haechan. How strange that he came to you all by himself, without you having to put in any effort at all.

“Oh, what a pity. I thought it'd be Na Jaemin under all of that,” you fake lamented. You knew these two had come together in couple-costumes. You earned a pout and a smolder in return.

“Bold of you to assume Na Jaemin would stay at a party this long,” he said and you actually laughed.

“Hmm. But you’re not meant to unmask yourself. Guess I’ll have to kill you now,” you angled your body towards him, just enough for him to keep flirting.

“Don’t I get a last wish?” he said and this time, he let his gaze travel along your body, too. You had him, hook, line and sinker.

“Lee Jeno has a catgirl fetish. Who would’ve thought?” you said when his gaze finally travelled up to your eyes. You held it.

“Who says it's my catgirl fetish that’s acting up?” he replied and if you were being honest with yourself, you were caught a little off guard. Because you’d been with enough fuckboys to know how they worked. You knew the weight of their words. You understood if they wanted a one-off or something more. And this boy seemed to be leaning on the side of something more. 

“Pity. Here I thought I’d find out what’s hiding behind those pink overalls,” you raised your eyebrows. You saw his eyes darken.

“I could show you,” he grumbled and took you by the wrist and began to move you away. But Lee Haechan had started to walk up to the DJ and the lights were starting to dim. Maybe the party was finally getting started. So you held him back.

“What’s the rush? Let’s dance first,” you said, because you needed to keep Lee Haechan in your sight.

Jeno smiled and led you the opposite way instead. And when the music and the flashing lights and the darkness began to engulf your bodies, he made quick work of his hands. They grabbed at the full flesh of your ass and pulled you into his hard body. He was built, but that much you had seen when you’d ogle at him in the pool. But his hands were thirsty and they grabbed at you with the exact type of want you needed from men. You pressed your chest against him and you danced and the lights flashed and made it hard to think much. He smelled good, too. He was tall and he was handsome and he was into you. The lights were blinding and your mind was slowing. He was a good dancer. He took control of your movements and the heat between your legs grew. You’re sure he was grinding against everything that was right. But the flashing lights lowered your inhibitions and heightened your senses and you could’ve sworn you saw Lee Haechan’s eyes on you. 

But soon, it felt too good. Soon, it was as if all sweaty bodies in the room were merging into one. Soon, it felt like everyone was grinding on everyone because you’re pretty sure you lost Lee Jeno in the crowd. It felt good to just dance in the darkness of the flashing lights. It felt good to feel random hands on your body and just let go. You closed your eyes and you smiled as the euphoria took over. You moved your body and your hips and your ass against everything that came close enough. And then you felt a pair of hands on your waist that only made your smile grow. Somehow, you didn’t need to open your eyes to know who they belonged to.

You took your chance. You easily looped your arms around his neck and pulled him into you. And he didn’t move away. Maybe the blinding lights protected him, too. If just for these moments, he forgot all about his ego. Because he grabbed at the hair at the base of your neck and tilted your head back. And he captured your lips in a hungry kiss. 

You moaned into his mouth and moved your hands under his cape and over his belly. You felt the planes of his abs through the fabric, but your curiosity burnt hotter. His lips tasted like strawberry jam, but you wanted to taste more of him. You tugged at his top and made it untuck from his pants. You travelled your hands up and felt his stomach, skin on skin. He hissed and flipped you around so your back would be to his front and your ass right against his crotch. He held you into him with an arm around your waist. You felt the hardness of him on your back. You felt his breath hot on your neck. You heard the grunt from his mouth as he rolled back and thrusted against you. And standing right here in the thick of this party where everyone was drunk out of their minds and dancing in the dark into oblivion... standing right fucking here and getting dry humped by Lee Haechan was the hottest thing that had ever happened to you. 

The music changed and the lights changed with it and the moment was stolen from you way too soon. You felt him turn and blend into the crowd before you’d even had a chance to look at him. The ache between your legs was wanton and identifiable, but the unease in your chest was what you couldn’t place.

“There you are,” Lee Jeno appeared by your side, “I thought I’d lost you.”

“Here I am,” you replied, though you weren’t. You weren’t really there.

By the time you got home, you had pretty much made up your mind on what you wanted to do next. You slipped out of your panties and stood ass first in front of the mirror once more.

‘this what u wanted?’ you sent, and before you had put yourself to bed, you finally earned your first real reply. You opened the message and your mouth watered at what you saw. Haechan stood in his bathroom with this shirt pulled up to expose his abs and your eyes finally saw what your hands had felt. 

‘and this is what you wanted,’ his message read. You couldn’t argue with that. Though only his jaw was visible in the image, you could tell he had a smug expression on his face.

You rode your vibrator that night as the sensory image of Lee Haechan rolling his crotch into your ass played in your mind over and over. You knew it was game on.

Any normal person could see that it was getting out of hand.

Your pictures to him were getting way out of control but you loved every moment of it. It made every cell in your body come alight. In some ways, the thrill of sending naughty pictures to Lee Haechan felt better than getting fucked in a stranger’s bed. You don’t know what it was.

On Monday, you decided he needed to see how well your back arched. So you put on your favorite bodysuit and kneeled on all fours and took what you thought was a really inviting picture.

‘i know this how you like it x’

You were rewarded with a picture of him laying in bed, even if he still had his clothes on.

‘almost but not really tho’

On Tuesday, you decided to get a little bolder. You took a picture of your bottom half laying in bed with your hand tugging onto your panties.

‘wanna lick my cameltoe?’

You got a Snap of his face wearing a cocked brow and feigned disapproval.

‘unsolicited pussy pics are not it, l/n’

So you put a hand inside your underwear so he’d see the gesture but not the offense.

‘why don’t you tell me to stop then?’

Motherfucker left you on seen that night.

The rest of the week went by in exactly the same fashion. You sending him risque photos and him replying just enough to keep you going without losing faith. It took you a while to realize that suddenly, you were the one being played. Yet, your instinct couldn’t have been totally wrong. Because every night, you’d rile him up with something more shocking than before and every morning you'd sit next to him in class and feel the heat coming off of him. You knew he was more interested than he let on. He hadn’t really been seen with that girl much anymore.

So you decided to amp things up.

On Wednesday, you contemplated going fully topless and just giving him an eyeful of your front. But at the last moment, you turned on the LED lights in your room and decided to cover your nipples with your forearm as you sent him a clip of you swaying to sensual music.

‘wanna dance with you again’

‘careful l/n,’ he sent back a Snap of himself, still too clothed for your liking.

‘don’t i get to see those abs again👅’ you demanded shamelessly.

He had waited a few moments before he sent back an ominous ‘Maybe.’

An ominous maybe was just a yes in waiting and it gave you enough information to know that you were moving in the right direction, but maybe it was time to do something more outrageous. You really needed this to get a reaction out of him.

Because although your nights were spent trying to seduce Haechan, Lee Jeno had been giving you a lot of attention during the days. As it turned out, he hadn’t really thought much of being blue balled that night at the Halloween party because on Tuesday, you found him waiting outside your lecture hall.

“I found you,” he said, smiling. He smiled with his eyes more so than his mouth, and a part of you had to admit that that shit was endearing. It was the kind of shit you could fall for, if you ever became that bitch. You ate lunch with him that day and you sat so incredibly close to him that you smelled like his cologne by the time you made it to your next class.

On Wednesday, Lee Jeno invited you to come see him at his swimming event. He won the competition and you found yourself furiously making out with him in the boys locker room while he wore his medal around his neck, his naked torso pressing into your clothed tits as he pinned you against the wall.

On Thursday, you felt your pussy throbbing for him as you walked past him working out at the campus gym. His sweat ran down the curve of his neck and you wondered what it tasted like. His veins popped angry in his forearms and you wondered how he'd respond if you asked him to choke you with them. He was a sexy beast and you needed to be in his bed. 

But your fucked up brain still needed to go through that darned pattern. 

There were other ways to have fun, you had thought; one that wouldn’t mess with your mental patterns or black book rosters. So, on Friday, it so happened that Lee Jeno invited himself over to your place and you finally decided to throw all your chips on the table.

While Jeno slipped into your bathroom, you stripped yourself of all your clothes and you sat at your vanity. You put your phone against it and you spread your legs and you masturbated on camera. You moaned and you grinded on your fingers and you made your pussy glisten and you hit send on your phone. You didn’t write a caption, not this time. The content was pretty self-explanatory, and if he wasn’t going to reply, you’re sure that at the very least, it would make him hard. You put your phone down and returned to rubbing yourself on the chair because fuck, the idea of Lee Haechan seeing you in heat was driving you crazy, and that’s how Lee Jeno found you.

So, before he could make a move, you kneeled and you took him in your mouth and you blew the living daylights out of him. You didn’t stop to ask how he liked it. You blew his cock and you blew his mind because the grunts that came out of the boy were as sexy as the rest of him and not once did he ask you to stop. You looked up at him even when you took him all the way down your throat and made a show of gagging on him. Guys liked thinking they had a bigger cock than any you’d taken, and you liked him well enough to inflate his ego that way. But by the end of it, you’re not sure whether it was his ego you had inflated or something else. Because most fuckboys would’ve walked out the door the moment they nutted in your mouth. You hadn’t expected that this one would help you with the clean up and keep kissing your mouth and make you hot tea to soothe your aching throat before he left. 

It was a brainfuck in every sense of the world. Lee Jeno had fucked your skull and your brain and by the time he was kissing you at the doorstep, you had no idea what to make of any of it. You hadn’t really planned any pit stops in your black book. Then again, Lee Jeno was the last cock in your roster. You didn’t have any other men after him you wanted to pursue--at least not yet. Unless you added more names to that book, you wouldn’t really know what to do when you finally got to Lee Jeno. Would he really become your final destination in the true way? 

It was a bizarre feeling going to bed that night and wondering how it came to you this easy. Lee Jeno didn’t give you the satisfaction of a chase, neither the gratification that came with the realization that the cock you were fucking belonged to an asshole. He was neither a fuckboy, nor a good guy. He had enough adventure in his stride to be one, but enough decency in his actions to be the other. It was the strangest moment of your life, realizing that a man you wanted between your legs was a good person. Nothing in your life was ever easy. Then how come Lee Jeno was basically yours for the taking?

That night you laid in bed and went through your notifications. You finally had a reply from Haechan, and what you saw confirmed to you that throwing all your chips in really had done the trick. Because Lee Haechan had finally rewarded you with a dick pic. 

You didn’t even give it an eyeful before you closed it. For the first time in your little scheme, it was you that left him on seen. You don’t know what made you cry into your pillow that night.

“It’s literally a cabin in the woods. Depending on how much it snows, we can do a couple of fun things,” Jeno told you as he walked you to class.

“Okay, but how many people will be there?” you asked. That made him stop walking; you only realized as much when you had left him a few steps behind. You turned around, “What?”

“I… I was hoping it would just be the two of us,” Jeno said slowly, watching your face for a reaction.

“Oh…” was all you could say for a while. This request came out of nowhere. You hadn’t really known him that long--a couple of weeks at best. You didn’t know what to say. 

Jeno smiled and stepped forward to close the gap between you two and took your face in his palms. “You don’t have to answer right away. But we’re not getting any other long weekends this semester. It could be fun.”

It felt easy to smile back at him as he held you, even if you didn’t know what to tell him. “I’ll think about it,” you said, because you assumed that this is what normal people said in situations like these. You saw the sparkle in his eye at your words and you felt that unease in your chest once again. A normal reaction from men you’d receive was a stiffening in their pants. A sparkle in their eye was new and unusual, though you weren’t sure you much enjoyed the sensation it brought to your gut. It was almost a relief when he ended the conversation with a kiss to your lips and walked away with a farewell. Because you needed to start thinking straight before you made it to your next class.

But no amount of mental prep made sitting next to Lee Haechan any easier. You had no idea what was happening to you. But the heat you used to feel between the two of you was replaced by an awkward, dark energy. Because ever since you had masturbated for him on camera and ever since he had revealed his cock to you, there had been nothing but radio silence.

You didn’t talk to each other. You didn’t acknowledge one another. When the night would fall and you’d find yourself alone, you didn’t model for him. Lee Jeno had been on the receiving end of your camera skills these days. You had hoped it would be enough to keep him occupied and happy whilst you untied your mental knots. But they were tugged on tight. No matter how much you told yourself that patterns didn’t matter, that black books didn’t matter, that not everything in this world had to be sense and order… those knots in your mind had taken years to form. There was no untangling them any time soon. You’d sooner get Lee Haechan in your bed than detangle your mind.

But you had stopped chasing Lee Haechan, too. What the fuck was it that you wanted? You had no idea. Why were you stuck in this limbo? You hadn’t a clue. Lee Haechan didn’t want you and Lee Jeno wanted you and you couldn’t have one without the other. You were fucked up. That much you had always known; but you don’t remember the last time you’d been this fucked up. Fuck Lee Jeno for waltzing into your life before you had invited him. Fuck him for fucking up the perfect plan in your head--one where you’d fuck Haechan before him. Fuck him for coming to your first and not even making you work for it. Fuck him for being kind and treating you right and not expecting too much. Because look what he fucking did your brain. 

And now he wanted to take you away to a cabin in the woods in the snow. Like you were someone he could wine and dine and treat right and she’d be his in all her faith. What a fucking mess. You had no idea what to do.

Perhaps the universe took pity on you because before the end of the class, you learnt that for this course, you’d all have to visit the field site and the only time they were willing to accommodate so many college students at the same time was during the long weekend. 

You finally had an out. And an opportunity. You didn’t know if you wanted either of it.

Pulling yourself together and putting your mind back in the scheme turned out to be a much easier task than you thought it would be. 

Your dry spell ended when you learnt that for the field site visit, you had to work in groups of three. Manipulating group assignments was your forte, because you’re pretty sure you still had the TA by the balls. It was good to feel like you finally had control over something. So even if the TA didn’t want just a handjob this time, you sank to your knees and took him in your mouth and by the end of it all, the entire class had been divided into groups of three except for you and Haechan who would work as a twosome. It was only later in bed that you realized that you had sucked a man you didn’t really want to suck. You could only go to sleep when you had rinsed your mouth with a whole bottle of Listerine and your tongue seemed raw and blistered. So what? You were back in control. And in the morning, you finally sent Haechan a picture after a week and a half of silence. 

‘heard we were partners,’ the caption read over a selfie that was tame by your standards. Just a regular top with too much cleavage. He had definitely seen more.

‘you heard right,’ you got in return a picture of him presumably just out of the shower, still too many clothes on.

You needed to get a move on or you’d never be able to move on. You needed to pull yourself together and remind yourself that you were a desirable fucking bitch whose heat men couldn’t resist. Lee Haechan was just a man. You needed to treat him like more of a man and less as a roadblock with too much control over you.

So during the trip to the field site, you fucked with his head. Before that girl could even daydream of finding herself next to him, you’d manipulated everyone on this bus to make it so that only you could sit next to him in the back and he couldn’t switch seats no matter what he did. He sulked and stared out the window for the first few minutes, keeping up his tradition of pretending you don’t exist when the two of you were in broad daylight. But this was the man that had dry humped you in the darkness of the dancefloor. So when everyone had settled in their seats and the excitement about being on a trip over a long weekend had died down, you put your hand on his thigh. And you rubbed. Motherfucker didn’t move, even when you saw his jaw clench. You moved your hand higher up between his legs, feeling around for what you needed and that’s when he caught your wrist and silently, but roughly jerked it away. You smiled. You wanted him riled up. You liked him riled up. It gave you so much control.

You fucked with him throughout the time you were meant to be working together. When the coordinator presented you with something to observe under the microscope, you pressed into Haechan’s side till you felt the leather of his belt cutting into your hip. You saw him gritting his teeth but not saying a word as he worked. You put your hand over his when he reached to grab something. You held his bicep to get out of your seat. Later, you made quite a show of bending over to pick something from the ground and grazing your ass against his crotch. Maybe he needed to relive a memory to act on his instinct. But he was colder than you realized.

Or maybe, he really did hate you.

Because you had been chasing him for weeks. You had done everything you could. You had stripped down naked for him and fucking masturbated for him. And he still didn’t want you.

It had to be you. Because Lee Haechan was fine with just about everyone else. When he hung with his friends, he smiled the brightest. When he spoke to that girl, he spoke with kindness. When he was in bigger groups, he’d become the life of the party and the de facto leader. When he was with older students, he had no trouble playing the mischievous little brother. But when you’d walk in, it was as if you sucked his energy like a blackhole. He’d shut off. He’d turn cold. He’d lose his words and he'd avert his gaze. He hated you, but not in a passionate way. He hated you where he didn’t want to spare any emotion for you, because he thought you were that undeserving.

You felt that uneasiness in your chest again, only this time, it travelled up to your throat. Lee Haechan was going to be a thorn in your side in more ways than you could’ve imagined. He loved his friends and his family, he did well in college, he had talent and beauty, he was God’s favorite and you weren’t. His apathy hit you like a dagger and you snuck away, disappearing from the rest of the group and spending the rest of the trip in hiding. It wasn’t going to work. You’d gotten naked for him. You’d gotten to your knees and taken a man in your mouth you didn’t want to take. All for him. But none of it worked. You stole a bottle of liquor from the coordinator’s office and you drank from it till you passed out in your hiding spot. And on the night before you had to leave, you took your chances and sent him a message.

‘I’m out in the woods,’ you wrote, no picture this time.

It was in the dark of the night and in the thick of the trees. And Haechan liked you in secret. That was a hypothesis you had to test. The gentle rustling of the leaves and the soft crunching in the grass confirmed to you as much.

He wore a scowl as he often wore whenever he was around you. He approached you like he was being cautious.

“Where have you been?” he demanded, “I had to complete all the requirements myself.”

“It’s our last night together, Haechan. Don’t you want to have some fun?” you stuck your tongue out. And in the sharp fluorescence of the moonlight, he saw the heart shaped pill sitting pretty in your mouth. 

He leaned in and sucked it from you, his lips closing around your tongue and taking what he needed. His hands roamed down your waist and onto your ass and once again, Lee Haechan wrapped himself around you in the darkness of the night and in the blindness of the moonlight. You were right. This was the only way he liked you.

But his touch kept growing, like his hands were multiplying till they were touching you deep in your skin and you held onto him impossibly tight and moaned into his mouth. His touch was everywhere you had heat on your body like there were many of him and only one of you and he was surrounding you in every raise of the hair that prickled your skin. He was moaning, too. You felt the reverberations of him in your throat, right in your jugular and right in your ribs that were threatening to split open. You wanted to split open for him. 

You were one with the earth. He was you and you were him and you were the earth and the earth was in you. You were suffocating in the scent of him and your breaths were the same. He was breathing in your mouth and taking the life of you. You wanted him to take it all and end it. You were gripping into him and your fingers were sinking into his flesh and bones. You were feeling all of him. You were calling out his name and now he was behind you and you were drowning into the dirt. You felt him in waves and you felt his voice singing in your ear. What was this melody? You felt like you had heard it before. You didn’t know many songs. But you sang his name in return. There was so much pleasure in calling out his name. You felt it in your being and in your insides and you called it out till it felt like you were extorting it out of your body. Like his name was a shard of glass that shredded you from the inside as it came out of you. And you sang it again. And again. And again. You sang it till your throat was bleeding. You sang it till you felt rakes scratching down your skin. You sang it till you felt him on top of you, suffocating you once more and immobilizing you. Haechan, Haechan, Haechan.

Haechan. He could take the life of you and you’d die happy. Haechan. He lived inside of you but never outside. Haechan. He needed you in the dark but never in the light.

You were ripped open for him and he’d seen your insides. Your breaths were gone and your heart was flying. You gripped at him. You wanted everything back. How dare he take so much from you? ‘Give it back to me! Set me free!’ you screamed. 

Haechan, Haechan, Haechan. You were drowning in him and he in you. Haechan, Haechan, Haechan. You could taste the blood and euphoria on your tongue. Haechan, Haechan, Haechan. You never existed and you never could. Haechan, Haechan, Haechan. Nothing was light and everything was dark and you had never mattered to anyone. 

Haechan. 

Haechan. 

Haechan.

You were stumbling even as you laid and that girl was pressing a palm to your head. Was she trying to kill you?

“I checked your temperature because I thought you had a fever. Do you feel anything?” she asked.

Do you feel anything. 

What a strange thing to ask.

Did you feel anything?

You didn’t feel anything.

Nothing at all.

“I think you may have caught a cold out there. Do you want me to get you something?” she asked. You snatched away.

“I’m fine,” you snapped though your throat felt like sand. Had you been looking, you would’ve seen her face look taken aback.

“Okay. The bus is leaving in an hour. Thought you should know,” she said and left you alone.

What happened out there? How did you catch a cold? You’d been hiding and he’d been hiding with you. You’d been laughing and you’d been running. What happened?

You needed to shower.

You rid yourself of your clothes and jumped at the sight of the smooth planes of your skin. He had cut you open. That much you remembered. He had cut you open and felt your insides. But how could he have done it? You weren’t even scratched. You felt the memory of him in every inch of your skin. Had you fucked? Did you finally get what you wanted from him? 

You didn’t remember.

And that thought had you emptying your stomach into the toilet.

You climbed into the bus and he looked up, like he’d been waiting. He wordlessly moved the jacket from the seat next to his. Like he’d been keeping it for you. And you sat because where else would you go? This was your doing. You had nowhere else to go. And when the bus started moving and everyone settled in, he held your hand and he intertwined your fingers.

You just wanted to go home.

You turned a corner when you caught sight of Lee Jeno. He’d been looking for you the whole day and you’d been avoiding him the whole day. You’re not sure what it was: did you not want to see him or did you not want to face him?

‘free now?’ you read part of his message in the pop up notification but not all. You didn’t want to open the text and have him see that you had read it.

‘should I pick you up after class?’ he messaged again and you felt like you were suffocating. You walked around campus, trying to avoid all the places you’d run into him.

‘Is it okay if i come over tonight? I miss you,’ his last message read and you switched your phone off. This was too much. You were suffocating and you wanted to hide. You turned and almost ran head first into the TA’s chest. He held you by the shoulders to steady you and you flinched away. Why were people touching you?

“Trying to skip class, Ms. L/N?” he said in a tone you didn’t quite like.

“No, I’m just getting my things…” you looked away to walk away, but he didn’t let you. Your alarm bells rang hot in your ears. Nothing about this situation seemed right. 

“Hold on, Ms. L/N. I’ve been meaning to discuss something,” he said with a smile on his face. You looked around and maneuvered yourself so you’d be in a spot where people could see you. And who else was going to catch you in your lowest moments but Lee Haechan? You felt his eyes on you and you weren’t sure you felt any safer.

“I know you're failing your classes,” he began. Still smiling. You saw Haechan scowling your way from the corner of your eye.

“I guess I am,” you replied shortly. Perhaps he didn’t like the sudden ice in your stature toward him.

“You don’t have to, you know. I’ve told Professor Lin what a talented girl you are,” he reached in to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and you felt your skin crawl. 

“Oh? Did you tell him how you knew?” you replied. You couldn’t see Haechan in your periphery anymore. You felt the danger deep in your belly. You didn’t like where this was going. 

His eyes darkened. “I’ve been helping you a lot, Ms. L/N. Sometimes, you need to help me, too.”

“Is there a problem?” you heard Haechan’s voice behind you. But you didn’t stop to hear the rest of the conversation. You turned on your heel and you ran away.

You were good at running away.

But how could you feel suffocated in your own home? 

Lee Jeno kept knocking on your door and ringing up your phone as you sat on the floor with your hands pressed to your ears. That’s how. 

You wanted to scream. You wanted everyone to leave you the fuck alone. Who did he think he was, trying to check up on you? For what? He hadn’t really known you that long. Who was he to think he had any right to check up on you? Who gave him the right to knock on your door and fuck with your head like this? All he had done since the moment he had met you was fuck with your head. 

Why did everyone keep messaging you? Why did you reopen your phone? What did everyone want from you? You felt like you were caged. You needed Lee Jeno to get the fuck away from your door so you could run and hide. You weren’t safe, not even in your own home. 

Eventually, he did, and you shot out. You were losing control, that much you could sense. Everyone wanted something from you. Everyone wanted to fuck you and use you and blame you and shame you. You couldn’t breathe. Your chest was so tight that you pounded on it with your fist as you ran. You needed help. 

You don’t know how you found yourself in the living room of your professor’s house, sipping onto the mulled wine he gave you. But it did good to numb your mind. The fireplace you sat in front of made you feel like you were sinking into a hot bath. Maybe you were finally coming down with the cold you had caught on the trip. But your mind was foggy and that’s how you liked it. Everything was finally slowing. It felt nice to sit in Professor Hwang’s company, in the luxury of his comfortable townhouse. It felt soothing to listen to his voice take over your senses. It felt almost relieving feeling his large hand smoothen over the skin of your shoulder. It felt inevitable to find his lips on yours. 

And when he disrobed and walked into his room, you followed.

The legs you were using to walk didn’t feel like your own. It was far too cold and your dress was far too short. But there was too much alcohol in your veins to really make you feel a difference, let alone have you know your elbow from your ass. How much more could you run? Where else could you hide? You had exhausted all your safe harbors and running grounds. So you walked back home, though by the time you climbed the first flight of steps, you were stumbling. And a figure stood waiting outside your door. But it wasn’t Lee Jeno.

“What are you doing here?” you snapped at it.

He wore the same scowl he always wore when he saw you, but you didn’t have to be totally drunk to know that tonight’s expression was a cocktail of not just disapproval, but also concern. “Where have you been? Everyone’s looking all over for you,” he said.

“Why is everyone looking for me?” maybe they wanted to shame you.

“You told them you’d come to dinner. Why didn’t you come?” his eyebrows were slightly lifted and his head slightly tilted, like he was trying to search your face in the dim light of the street lamp. That’s how he liked you. In the darkness, where the lights could blind.

“Didn’t feel like it,” you said and stumbled on the step. But he strode ahead and caught you. You flinched away.

“Are you drunk?” he asked, and his voice wore only concern. How dispensable.

“What are you doing here?” you angered again and hurried to your door. You fumbled with your key and felt the burning behind your eyes when you couldn’t get it right.

He took it from your hands and unlocked the door. “Why have you been avoiding me?” he returned your question with one of his own and he followed you in. You didn’t want him here.

“What happened between us that night?” you replied in yet another question.

“Nothing,” he said, almost too quickly, like he’d been expecting you’d ask that as soon as you saw him. His head was shaking and his face was solemn. His eyes were round. Fearful.

“It couldn’t have been nothing. You…” he what? What could he have done that night that was more sickening than what you did?

“Y/N… nothing happened…” he inched towards you, shoulders hunched, arms stretched forward, approaching you with caution.

“How can you know?” you asked and you felt you would choke on your tears.

“I didn’t take as much as you, Y/N… I remember everything that happened. I got you back to your room that night…” he stood affront you and placed his hands on your forearms. You felt your chest reverberating from sniffles of tears that couldn’t fall.

“Why don’t you want me?” you croaked yet another accusation at him, much different to what you’d been accusing him of a moment ago. Did he fuck you? He didn’t fuck you. Why didn’t he fuck you? 

You were crazy.

“Y/N…” he whispered and his hands moved to the back of your shoulders, pulling you in. You resisted.

“Fuck me now,” you whispered back suddenly and you grabbed at his shirt and began to unbutton it. He held your wrists.

“Y/N, you’re burning up. You’ve got a fever. Just sit down--”

“Why won’t you fuck me, Donghyuck?” you gripped at his shirt because he didn’t allow your hands to do much else.

“Y/N, just sit down--”

“Why won’t you fuck me? Is it because I disgust you? Is it because you find me deplorable?” 

“Come here--”

“Is it because I deserve everything I get? Is it because not even my family spared my body?” you pushed against him. But he held you in a stronghold. Not letting you go.

“Shh…” he hushed and you felt hot, fat tears on your face. You gripped at him once more.

“Why won’t you fuck me?” he had messed up your pattern and now look what you did. “Please, fuck me,” so you begged.

“Y/N. Come here,” he pushed your face into his chest and held you tight.

“Please, fuck me,” you sobbed and you begged into him. He held you tighter till you felt you were suffocating again. But this was a different kind of suffocation.

“Please fuck me,” your sobs grew more desperate and your pleas more pathetic. But he held you so tight that you almost felt your blood cut off. You found yourself sinking into him and your eyes closing and your head spinning. Maybe you were still begging him. Maybe you were sinking once more. Maybe it was the room that was spinning. Maybe that’s why you were on top of him instead of against him. Maybe that’s why your head was heavy and your eyes still hot and his shirt still wet and his lips still warm. They were so warm on your head. You wanted to drink in the scent of him. But he moved much too soon.

“Don’t go,” you pleaded.

“I’m not. We need to bring your fever down,” he said gently. This boy hated you. Perhaps he pitied you more than he hated you in this moment. “Do you have any medicine?”

You shook your head. 

“I’ll go get some,” he replied and you took his hand and repeated,

“Don’t go.” You didn’t know what you’d do if he went.

He looked torn. Like he didn’t know whether to help your body or your mind. He held your gaze and sank to the floor, sitting cross-legged by your bed as you laid, searching your face.

“Have you eaten?”

You shook your head, “I don’t want to.”

He nodded and when he had concluded his internal battle, he took your hand in both of his and kissed the back of it.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said gently. And you knew what he meant, though he couldn’t possibly have known.

You felt the tears hot on your cheeks once more. Maybe the fever was boiling them in your eyes. 

But how could it not be your fault? Everything happened because you willed it so. Everything that happened was your own doing. You looked away. But he whispered once more.

“None of it. None of it was your fault, okay?”

You intertwined your fingers with his. It didn’t matter if he pitied you or spoke those words from the kindness of his heart. It was nice to hear them as you slept.

You didn’t want to go for any of your classes. You wanted to stay in bed where you were comfortable and hidden. You were already failing everything. You’d probably have to repeat, anyway. What did it matter if you missed a few days?

But you had to get up. Staying in bed would mean that you’d have too much time to think about what you did. So you got up and dressed yourself and you went to campus. There weren’t very many places you could go.

Jeno found you and this time, you didn’t have it in you to hide away. He took one look at your face and he held you in his arms. You leaned into him because you couldn’t really fight it. And when it seemed you were going to break, he shielded you with his jacket and walked you away from a place where there would be too many seeing eyes to the safety of his training room where it was just the two of you. He didn’t ask you why you cried into his chest. He just held you till you cried from being undeserving of him. He was light and you were darkness. You didn’t want to dim him.

“I knew something was up,” he said as he pulled back and wiped your tears with his thumbs.

You looked into his kind eyes. The eyes that you had told yourself you could fall for. You leaned in and you kissed his lips. You didn’t deserve him. But you wanted to know what it felt like to be kissed from love and not lust. To be treated with tenderness rather than irk. Jeno kissed you slow and gave you everything your heart had been yearning for. 

Why?

Why did he give you your heart’s desire? 

You hadn’t really done much for him. 

You hadn’t even known him that long.

But he had decided that he wanted to give you his affection and his actions had mirrored his heart. 

You placed your cheek on the hard planes of his chest and you closed your eyes till you felt you were drifting. Why did you leave your bed? You had no energy left. You were too cold and your head was too light. 

Why did you feel undeserving of Jeno’s kindness? Why did being vulnerable to him feel like you were breaking a rule? What good were rules and patterns when all they had done was fuck with your head and make you…

You couldn’t finish the thought. You just held onto him tighter.

“Let’s get out of here,” he spoke in your ear.

“I don’t have the energy,” you said and it made you feel broken. Your eyes burned. 

He kissed your cheek and made you rest your head on his shoulder. “You’re sick. You should be in bed.”

You nodded.

Patterns, rules, rosters, black books.

It was all fucked up. You had fucked it all up. You hated what you had become. You hated your skin and your body and your very being. You cried in Jeno’s car and all he could do was hold your hand as he drove you. He didn’t know you much. He was playing the boyfriend to a girl he had met at a party just a few weeks ago. One he hardly even knew. Would he still be kind to you once he figured out how fucked up you were? Would he still want to chase you and dote on you once he found out what you had done?

It didn’t matter that Lee Haechan didn’t fuck you.

You had broken the pattern.

You had freed yourself.

Was the price of freedom always this gruesome? 

Jeno kept smiling patiently as you let him in. He sat you on the edge of your bed and crouched to take your shoes off for you.

Were you really so weak that people had to take care of you like this? First Haechan and now him? But Jeno wasn’t people, was he? What else could you have felt when you hadn’t really known the benevolence he was giving you?

Your world was divided into good guys and fuckboys. You’d never give good guys the time of day. Your nights would usually end when the fuckboy would nut. Jeno wasn’t a good guy. Jeno wasn’t a fuckboy, either. He was just a decent fucking human being. 

Could you have him?

What would you do once you had him?

You didn’t know how to keep a person. You enjoyed your solitude. 

He was so pure and you were so vile. He was so gentle and you were so brazen. He was so kind and you were so cruel. He was good and you were evil.

But it felt good to be cared for by an angel. You were going to destroy him. But you didn’t have the energy in you to warn him. So you sat and accepted everything he was giving you. But your lips spoke of their own accord.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

He looked up from your feet and stroked the side of your cheek. “I like you.”

“Why? Why do you like me?”

He shrugged, though the kind smile didn’t leave his face. “I don’t know. Why does anyone like anyone?”

“But you don’t know anything about me.”

He nodded like he agreed but wanted you to see something else. “True. We don’t know each other that well yet. But I still like you, and we can get to know each other.”

You could get to know each other. What a strange proposition. No one had really wanted to know you. And you weren’t sure they’d like you much when they did.

“You don’t know the things I’ve done,” more tears fell from your eyes. He didn’t wipe them this time. He studied your face, like he was choosing his next words.

“We all make mistakes, Y/N. I’ve made mistakes, too. But I still like you.”

He was an innocent. He had no idea what he was talking about. What good would it do him to find out?

“I want to tell you someday,” you whispered and surprised yourself. Would you ever tell him like you said you would? He had no clue what would hit him. He didn’t know you. His idea of you was so different from your idea of yourself. 

“Take all the time you need,” he held your hands.

Maybe you could have this. Maybe it really was this easy sometimes. Maybe love was as easy to give as Jeno made it seem. How difficult could it be to receive it?

“Let’s go to your cabin someday,” you said softly. He smiled the widest smile so far, one that made his eyes disappear into crescents atop his cheeks. It made you smile in return. Your mind slowed and your heart swelled. 

You didn’t know him. 

He didn’t know you, either. Maybe that was a blessing. Because the way he treated you made you hate yourself just a little less.

Patterns were like shackles. Getting up meant brushing your teeth thrice and going out meant scrubbing till your skin burned raw. Eating meant precise calculations and not eating meant having to start all over again. Reds came before blues and yellows before purples and you could fuck the same fuckboy twice but only if it maintained the harmony of your roster. Patterns shackled your wrists and your ankles but kept you from destruction. 

But you had broken your pattern. Maybe you had freed yourself of your shackles. 

Walking to campus didn’t feel numbing anymore. Putting on a pretty dress this morning felt soothing. Brushing your hair without counting your strokes felt comfortable. Stepping on grass and smelling the flowers in the air felt relaxing. You were here. You were present. You were alive. You were okay. You were well.

Your blood had only known how to burn hot in your veins. You didn’t know you had the ability to feel the warmth that you felt as you walked towards Jeno’s training room. Was this the difference between love and lust? One burnt you in a fire and the other slowed the flames to a warmth? You couldn’t be in love with Lee Jeno. You hadn’t known him long. You didn’t even know what love was.

But your heart was full and your mind calm. You were walking to see him. So why couldn’t you find him?

Why did you suddenly feel the eyes of many boring into the back of your head?

Why did the warmth in your blood turn to ice on your skin?

Why did the sweet melody of birds around you turn to murmurs in your ears?

Why was everyone sneaking glances at you?

Why was everyone talking about you?

“There she is.”

“Can’t believe she’s showing her face.”

“The campus slut.”

“What a whore.”

“I knew she was a slut. Didn’t think she was a full on homewrecker.”

“Homewrecker.”

“Homewrecker.”

“Homewrecker.”

“Is it true?” a voice broke through the murmurs, like it was speaking to you, not about you. Lee Haechan stood in your way.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

Lee Haechan pushed his phone to your face. And you saw it clear as day.

You bent over in front of your camera. And Professor Hwang right behind you.

You didn’t say a word.

You didn’t move an inch.

The murmurs grew louder in your ears like they were trying to drown you.

“Let’s go,” Haechan grabbed at your wrist.

“Where?”

“Somewhere else.”

“I have nowhere to go.”

“Come.”

You couldn’t go home. And you couldn’t stay here. So you followed him all the way to his car while the gazes of everyone in your path hit you like daggers. 

You left it all behind, but not before you saw Jeno’s face of betrayal as he saw you ride away with Lee Haechan. 

He kept driving and you kept sticking to your phone like a vice. The videos kept coming. The pictures kept coming. The vitriol kept coming. You had earned it all.

‘She’s always been a homewrecker. She tried to seduce my boyfriend. Here’s proof.’

‘we been knew she a slut, i’ve got a whole library of her nudes lol’

‘weird tits’

‘why is she moaning like she’s dying i'm not even hard’

‘i’ve fucked her she’s boring and kinda loose’

‘lmao has everyone seen her naked? Y’all have receipts’

‘Woobin ur pictures look fake asf’

“yeah ngl, that doesn’t even look like her’

‘are her tits fake?’

‘anyone got pics of her puss?’

‘i do brb posting’

‘Guys, revenge porn is not it’

‘yeah, you can go to jail asshole’

‘shut up slut she sent it to us’

‘yeah but your posting it without her permission sooooo’

‘It’s the criminal act for me’

‘You idiots need to take it down or I'm reporting’

‘who wants pussy pics?’

‘she fucked my uncle’ 

‘fuck off no one believes u’

‘is she even on this?’

‘hi y/n i’m dtf and my dick isn’t as wrinkly’

The vitriol kept coming and you kept reading. You read and you read and you saw yourself in every picture you remembered you took and even the ones you didn’t remember taking. People got it right and people got it wrong. They mostly got it right. Everything they were saying was true. You read on and you felt you could’ve read forever. But Haechan’s hand came in and took the phone from you.

You didn’t realize you had stopped travelling. You didn’t realize you were sitting on the hood of his car. You didn’t realize how far he must have driven to take you here. Away from the city where the river was as clean as nature had intended it to be and the manmade landscape looked like a distant picture behind it. 

“Why did you do it?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” you whispered back. He nodded.

“Did you know he was married?”

“Yes.”

“Did you know he has a daughter our age?”

“Yes.”

He nodded once and looked away. Like he was organizing his questions.

“Why did you film it?” he asked. Not as an accusation. Just a question.

“I don’t remember.”

“You don’t remember?”

“I don’t remember filming it,” you spoke barely above a whisper.

“Do you remember posting it?”

“No.”

“Did he know you were filming him?”

“I don’t know.”

“He could lose his job, Y/N.”

You looked up towards the river, unconvinced with your own next words, “We’re both adults.”

“Yes. But you’re a student. And he’s a teacher. You filmed him.”

“Yes.”

He looked down to think. Then he looked ahead with you.

“You could get in trouble, too.”

“Yes.”

“Do you… you really don’t remember filming it? Or posting it?”

“No.”

“Do you often have gaps in your memory?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you do it?” he asked again.

Your breath came out in between a scoff and a dry sob. You turned your head to look at him. “Because I’m fucked up.”

“Because you’re fucked up,” he repeated.

“Yeah,” you said in the same broken voice. And perhaps he could see that you were about to wallow in your self pity. Because his tone grew colder.

“That’s going to be your free pass for everything? That you’re fucked up?”

You looked away, ashamed. You shook your head. A long pause stretched between the two of you. Like he didn’t know what to say anymore. So you reached in your bag and handed him a pocket sized, leather bound diary.

“What’s this?” He took it.

“My black book,” you couldn’t speak up.

“Black book?”

You nodded. “A list of all the people I’ve fucked. All the people I want to fuck.”

Haechan’s face didn’t betray any notable reaction. He flipped through the pages and paused only when he saw his name. He didn’t say anything. So you talked.

“It has to be in order. All these names. I need to go through them in order. I’ve had this since the first semester. If I don’t do things in order, it…” you looked away. You sounded crazy even to your ears. But Haechan’s face was unchanged.

“It stresses you?” he tried to understand.

“I spiral.”

“Are you spiraling now?” he asked. 

You nodded. What else would explain any of this?

“Is it because of me?” he traced his name on your book.

You looked at him. Was it because of him? Was it because of Jeno? Was it because of Professor Hwang? Who broke your pattern first? 

What did it matter? What did it matter who broke your pattern? Patterns were fucked up and you were fucked up and all of this was because of no one but yourself.

“This isn’t right, Y/N.”

“Yeah.”

“You need help.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t know.”

You looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“This,” he lifted the black book, “This has been going on since freshman year? The first semester? And you didn’t get the help you needed then?”

You looked at the ground and your eyes burned once more.

“What you told me that night… was it true?” he asked. And it made your heart hurt more than anything you had read on your phone. His question cut you open and made your tears fall and your shoulder shake. Who would believe a mentally unstable girl? Of course he thought you lied. He probably thought you were a pathological liar amongst all the other things.

But you nodded. You didn’t lie to him and he didn’t lie to you. That’s not how you worked. He could hate you and you could hate him. But you didn’t lie to each other. He saw you for what you were and you saw him.

His pupils lifted like he was thinking and he swallowed.

“Who did this to you?” he asked.

You couldn’t answer. You never had an answer. What did it matter who did it? It’s what you deserved. 

Haechan sighed. Like he had thought better of his question. “You need help, Y/N,” he repeated.

“I know,” you agreed, though your voice was hoarse.

“I know some people.”

“Okay.”

“I could take you there right now.”

Your heart dropped. This was soon. This was much too soon. You couldn’t do it. You didn’t have it in you.

“Just let me die,” you whispered.

You saw the clenching of his jaw and the pressing of his lips. And without warning, he flung your black book towards the river with as much strength as his body could muster.

“Face your fucking problems, Y/N,” he said.

You cried. He was right. How could he be wrong? You needed help and no one had ever given it to you. You hadn’t given it to yourself. You had an opportunity to be better. He was giving it to you. Were you really that far gone that you weren’t accepting it? You trusted him. You hated him and you trusted him.

“Take me,” you cried.

He didn’t need telling twice. He got in the car and drove you where he promised.

Clarity is a strange phenomenon. You think you have it in moments you absolutely don’t. Where things feel so real you almost believe them. But when you open your eyes, and really open them, you start to lose faith in everything there ever was.

You lost everything. You failed your classes. You lost the few friends you had. You were put on probation. And your videos and pictures lived in everyone’s phones forevermore. You couldn’t run. You couldn’t hide. You couldn’t even escape. 

But you felt free. For the first time in your life, you felt like you could see. You finally felt regret. You finally started to reflect. You felt the pain you had caused everyone you knew. But most of all, you finally felt the pain you had been causing to yourself.

Haechan was right. It wasn’t your fault.

Yet all these years, you’d lived with the burden that it was. You had punished your body for it. You had punished your mind for it. The food you would eat was to harm or ornate your body. The patterns you built were to enslave or protect your mind. You looked for control in places you couldn’t find it. Because all that control had been taken from you all those years. Your body didn’t belong to you. Your mind didn’t belong to you. You numbed your soul thinking that if you thought any less of yourself, that it would make it all okay. That if everyone hated you altogether, you’d finally be seen the way you saw yourself. You kept punishing yourself. For something you didn’t even do.

You’d been living in the past. Because you never healed from it. Because you had never given yourself the opportunity to heal. Because you thought punishing yourself was how you could fix everything that happened. Because never once did it occur to you that you could’ve helped yourself without waiting for someone to help you. 

You’re not really sure you had clarity. 

All you know is that for the first time ever, you remembered all the things that happened to you. All the things you had done. You had fallen to your knees and confessed like you were begging to a deity. Every day you fell to your knees and cried and remembered and each confession brought with it a new suppressed memory. You cried for all the years you had lost and all the times you had punished yourself for things you couldn’t possibly have controlled. You cried for little Y/N and all the burden she had been carrying for you. She was so innocent. So vulnerable. So young. And you blamed her till she was tainted in your memories. You cried when you told her it wasn’t her fault. How could it have been? She was a child. You cried when you begged for her forgiveness. For not believing her. For punishing her. For hating her. You cried when you forgave her. And when you cried so hard that you couldn’t move, not an inch, not a hair, not a speck, so hard that you felt you’d never breath, never stand, never function, so hard that you felt the life of you weakening beneath your knees, you set her free. You let her go. Little Y/N was free.

And in the darkness of the night when your tears drowned you but didn’t suffocate you anymore, you thanked Y/N as she was now. For being her own savior. 

Maybe you didn’t have all the clarity in the world. But you knew your eyes were wider open than before as you sat in the rose garden of the center and took in the wide expanse of grass around you. You could smell every bit of it. And you could see the boy sitting in front of you on the lawn chair. You looked at the roses and he looked at you.

“Are you sure you don’t want to have this?” he asked, pointing to the vanilla frap he’d gotten you along with other goodies.

“I’m actually not allowed sugar. Or caffeine,” you smiled at him.

“Wow. This place don’t mess around,” his lips pressed into an impressed expression and he took a healthy sip from your glass. “Noted for next time.”

Next time? After everything, Jeno wanted there to be a next time?

“Tell me how you feel,” he asked softly.

“I feel okay,” you nodded and you smiled. His face didn’t change, so you reached for his hand. “Really, I am.”

“When do you get out?” he asked, stroking his thumb on the back of your hand.

“I’m not sure. I like it here,” you leaned back in your chair and inhaled the sweet smell of roses all around you. How nice it felt to smell them. Almost as good as it felt to plant them.

“Y/N…” Jeno trailed away as he looked at his feet. Contemplating. Wondering what he could say and what he could not.

“You can say it,” you smiled at him, though you weren’t sure what he wanted to bring up first. There was too much in the tangles you had left behind.

“The pictures… they’ve… they’ve been taken down. The feminist society filed a report against everyone sharing your pictures without your consent,” he kept stroking the back of your hand with his thumb. You realized he was worried. 

You weren’t. The pictures and videos were the least of your concern. They didn’t bother you.

But Jeno was worried. And he didn’t hate you. And that took you by surprise.

“I heard you hit Woobin,” you said, amused.

“He was asking for it,” he pouted. He looked so cute when he pouted. So you reached in to pull his cheek.

“Jeno, you can’t hit every boy that has been an asshole after having sex with me. You’ll have to go through the entire campus.”

He flinched and brooded cutely for a while while you grinned and stroked his frown with the backs of your fingers. But then, he asked you what you’d been expecting.

“Lee Haechan…” he looked at you. You looked back into his warm eyes. They were confused. Of course they were. You hadn’t done much to reassure them.

“Go on,” you encouraged so he'd know it was alright to talk about this.

“Are you… did you ever…” he didn’t know how to put this. You had told him about your compulsions and your rosters and your black books. You told him all the things you did, even while you were with him. Maybe the information was too much to absorb at one time.

“No,” you shook your head for him.

“Do you… do you… like him?” he asked.

“No,” you shook your head and took his hand again. You liked holding it.

“Then… what’s your relationship… to him?”

“Hmm…” you turned your head up to think. You didn’t have to think much. You knew. “He understands me.”

Jeno was a smart guy. Perhaps in some ways, he felt you, too. Because he didn’t need an explanation beyond what you said. He just squeezed your hand and said,

“I’d like to understand you too, someday.”

It took you by surprise once again. 

“You still want to try being with me? After everything I’ve done?” you asked him without masking it.

“We all make mistakes, Y/N,” he told you what he had told you all that time before, “And everyone deserves a second chance.”

You felt your heart melt. You had been right. Even though you'd been out of your mind, your heart had seen Lee Jeno for what he was. Kind-hearted. Pure. Gentle in his judgments. Sweet with his words. Innocent in his heart. 

You took a deep inhale, like his words were healing you and you needed to breathe them into the deepest pits of your lungs and burn them into your heart. 

“I’m going to get better for you,” you promised him. And his lips met your forehead.

“You need to get better for yourself. And when you do, I’ll be waiting.”

Those were the kindest words anyone had ever told you.

You held onto them in the hours and days and weeks to come till you finally walked down the path of the green grass and left the rose garden behind.

A second chance and a new life. 

You were you and you were reborn and old you and new you could coexist within you. 

This body was yours and it was a gift. You started loving it for all the things it did for you, rather than all the things it could do for everyone else.

Your mind was yours and yours alone. No one could own it or enslave it. Not even you.

Life had second chances, and you had taken it. You gave yourself a second chance. You were deserving of a second chance. You were deserving of all that was good and pure and true in this world.

You smiled bright as you held onto the acceptance letter of your new college. It felt nice to have poured out your story to them and have it be validated in this way. You had new things and kept some old things. Some things were better left in the past, and with some you had to learn to make peace that this was so. You couldn’t change people’s minds about you. But their murmurs would have followed till you could hear no more. So you left them behind. And you smiled at your new opportunity. You had heard that it knocked at the door but once. You welcomed it with open arms.

You decided you needed to share in your joy. So you picked the roses from the garden you tended and tied them together with a ribbon. You didn’t lament that you had never received flowers before. You felt joy that you were about to give flowers to someone for the first time. 

You smiled as you walked, smelling the roses every so often and simmering in the sweet smell of them. Jeno would like them and you were going to be okay. He would see you and he’d smile the smile that made his eyes disappear and you’d be okay. You were okay. You were going to be okay. 

As you walked to Jeno, you could’ve sworn that you saw Lee Haechan drive past you and meet your eyes, if only for a second. Out in the sun, in broad daylight, where no darkness shielded you and no lights blinded you.

And in your heart, you wished him well.

You knew it was getting bad when you slid forward on your chair so the inseam of your jeans would push against your pussy. But when you began to grind against your own damn jeans right there in the lecture hall? That might have been what finally flipped the switch. You found yourself gripping the edge of the table so hard that your knuckles were strained, and now there was nothing else left to do. So you shot up and rushed to the bathroom. Because at this point, you were way too fucking horny for any sort of subtly.

You looked about to make sure no one was around, unbuttoned your shirt just enough so you could pop a tit out from above your bra, took a selfie in the mirror and sent it to your wonderfully unassuming boyfriend,

‘Headed home. Come fuck me or i’ll just have to go to town with my vibrator.’

You hit send, buttoned yourself up and rushed out the door with the urgency of someone about to miss the train. You had barely made it to the apartment you shared with Jeno before your clothes were off and you were laid over your sheets, vibrator in hand. 

Fuck, it felt so good. You had the self control of a harlot today, but you didn’t care. Fuck, this was nice. The sheets were smooth and cool and the vibrator buzzed against your clit deliciously and made you properly wet, just the way you wanted to be. It wasn’t a good enough replacement for your boyfriend’s cock or tongue, but beggars can’t be choosers. So you laid back and grinded into the sheets while the toy gave you what the chair in the lecture hall or your own damn jeans did not. So what if you were missing class? The heat in your pussy was far more important than any sort of education you were going to get today.

You rolled your nipples between your thumb and index and knew you were horny out of your fucking mind when your hips lifted off the bed and air humped your vibrator. You wanted to be fucked. You needed a cock inside of your fucking pussy. Fuck, why hadn’t you bought the dildo when you had the chance? You had stupidly thought that you didn’t need one because you had a fucking boyfriend that could take care of that need. Fat load of good that did you, no pun intended.

Honestly speaking, you were horny enough that your eyes were darting all over your room for any cock shaped object, and at this point, your mind wasn’t above wondering if there were any cucumbers left over in the fridge because Jeno had bought some a couple of days ago to make a salad. Fuck, why wasn’t your stupid boyfriend here yet? Maybe the selfie hadn’t been enough motivation. Maybe you should make a video of yourself like this and moan his fucking name out and maybe that would make him start thinking with his cock rather than his brain like he’d been doing all day. Literally, what college boy in this damn world would turn down an extremely willing girlfriend that had sent him a nude, begging him to fuck her? He had to be some sort of a saint. 

But before your mind could go to even pervier extremes, you heard the almost relieving sound of the door being unlocked. So what was a horny girl to do? You decided to give your boyfriend a show he would never be able to turn down. You shot up to grab what you wanted from his closet before you laid yourself down once again. You arched your back and spread your legs and pointed your dripping pussy towards the door so this would be the first thing he sees when he came in and you moaned out like all the porn girls you knew he watched. You grinded on the sheets sensually and you pumped a few fingers in to make sure your pussy dripped down as obscenely as you wanted it to. 

And when Jeno walked in, he saw his girlfriend, laid out in nothing but one of his button down shirts, pleasuring herself with a toy. And despite his right mind, the sights and the sounds were going straight to his cock.

“Baby…” he gasped as he took you in and it pleased you immensely to see the bump already forming in his pants.

“Fuck me, baby, please…” you moaned as you stuck your chest out for him even more, willing to be as raunchy as it would take, “I’ve been waiting for your cock all day…”

“Babe, it’s literally… you had class right now…” his eyes were wide and his mouth ajar, even if his cock was getting stiffer. Because watching you touch yourself wearing nothing but his own damn shirt like a robe was a vision straight from his wanktasies. 

“Yeah, but I kept thinking about you bending me over and fucking me so good, baby. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but that,” you moaned in your lie, because truth be told, it technically wasn’t the thought of your boyfriend in particular that had you air humping anything to give you relief all day. You were just a hornball that needed to get off.

“Baby…” Jeno whispered and hovered over you to kiss you because he couldn’t take it. A beautiful girl was laid out on his bed, masturbating and high strung and despite what you had thought, he was no saint. Also because this wonderfully needy girl, pussy dripping all over his sheets just so happened to be his girlfriend. So he climbed over you and kissed you and you kissed him back so hungrily that for a while, the toy buzzed between the two of you, forgotten, while you took his face in your hands. You kissed him like a woman depraved and you weren’t completely unaware of how sloppy you sounded in the moment. In the condition you were in, the mad sounds of your tongue in his mouth were only turning you on more, so you made the kiss even dirtier.

“I’m gonna need your cock inside me, baby. I promise I’ll suck you good later,” you gripped at his shirt and lifted it over his head and he nodded and you thanked the heavens above that your man finally understood that your need was urgent and you’d been so fucking horny all morning and you’d been playing with yourself so long that you could give piss all about foreplay. You needed him to stop being a fucking gentleman, because fuck, you just wanted to be dicked down, and you were pretty sure that wasn’t a lot to ask.  

Finally, you felt the air shift and saw your boyfriend’s eyes darken and almost screamed for joy, because fucking finally, he was growing some balls and taking control like you’d been subliminally begging him to do all morning. He used the strength in his arms to flip you over and you squealed out and earned a strong hit to your ass that made you moan and grin from ear to ear.

“Mmm Daddy…” you moaned high pitched to egg him on. You’d seen the kind of porn this boy was into. He wasn’t that slick. And you had no problem playing his fantasy in this moment, not if it meant that it would get him to fuck you like you’d been dying to be fucked all morning.

“My baby just wants to be taken like a slut, hmm?” he talked in a strained voice as you heard him unbuckle his pants behind you. He grabbed a fistful of your hip with one hand and pushed his bare cock against your needy, dripping hole with the other. He moaned thickly when he sank in full to the hilt; then his hands found their anchor on your tits and then finally, he began fucking into you. You screamed out because fuck yes, you finally got him where you wanted him. He wasn’t being sweet or considerate or careful and just moving like he wanted to fuck your brains out and that is what you had wanted all fucking day from your sweet, loving boyfriend. You didn’t want any trace of the sweet today. You played the raunchy slut with your words and voice so he would take the hint and fuck you like one.

“Ahhh, yes, yes, yes, Daddy, YES!” you moaned like a slut, not holding back anything you were feeling. Jeno was used to your wild phases in bed, even if your neighbors were not, but you didn’t give a flying fuck, not today. Today, you just wanted to be railed till you saw stars and your pussy was sore and happy. 

“Fuck, my baby’s been waiting for me to come fuck her, huh? My baby wanted to be fucked so good by my cock?” Your demeanor was giving Jeno increasingly more confidence. Just as you had known it would. So you played into his fantasy even more to give him more motivation and moaned in voices you knew would drive him crazy. You trained him into taking control with your horny sounds and your needy movements and by playing his goddamn fantasy, and if you would go to hell for it, so be it, because the pleasure in your pussy was worth any consequence you’d face. Jeno clutched your tits and pulled you back so you’d be pressed against his chest and his cock would fill you up more completely.

“Yes, Daddy, I wanted your big cock to slam into my tight pussy!” you gripped onto the headboard as he fucked you faster and now, you didn’t have to play anything up. Now he was really fucking you hard and fast, exactly how you wanted, so your mind was blank and all you felt was this crazy horny desire that you had created.

“Does my baby want me to rub her clit?” Jeno kissed your cheek and your neck repeatedly.

“Yes, Daddy, please!” you turned your head to kiss his lips and Jeno brought his fingers to your clit and rubbed you and you lost any shred of right mindedness you may have been holding onto. The pleasure was so fucking decadent that you nearly let go of your body so Jeno put an arm around your neck and pulled you in so were sitting back on his thighs with his cock filling you up and his fingers strumming you so good that you all but screamed out. Jeno knew that you could be a screamer. Jeno would usually lose his damn mind any time you let go of everything and moaned and screamed for him this way.

So he rubbed you raw and used his strong arms to keep you in place on his cock. “Bounce for me, baby,” he growled in your ear and you complied, while he rubbed and rubbed till you were screaming his name out and coming all over his cock and quivering in his hold. You’re been holding out for so long and Jeno had used his cock on you so good that you came hard. The orgasm lasted so long that you felt your vision blur to white before it came back. Jeno held you down then and fucked you hard and fast till he came as well and you both laid on the bed side by side, panting and staring up at the ceiling, almost as if in shock at what the two of you had done.

You grinned wide then and rolled over so you could kiss your poor boyfriend’s lips while he laid there, spent.

“You’re not going to any class today,” you announced as you hobbled off to clean yourself up and laughed as you heard him groan behind you. 

The two of you had always been an odd couple. Jeno had always been the sickeningly sweet boyfriend. He was the kind to bring you flowers, give you random back hugs and sleepily make life changing confessions at night on his pillow. In contrast, your love had always been more physical and a little bit more wild. But somehow, it all made sense.

So you pulled your boyfriend by the hand and took him to the living room couch because you knew he had needs as well. You put on a show he liked in the background and cuddled into him and you let him kiss you slow. Because Jeno needed the sweet, wholesome warmth of romance just as much as you needed the carnal, crazed fire of instinct. 

“You know I love you, right?” he crooned into your neck as he held you. You smiled. This boy always needed to give you the reassurance that his heart was true even after his cock had been satisfied. Maybe he needed that reassurance, too, and you needed to step your game up, because he sure had for your sake.

“Mhmm. And I love you, too. I’m all yours,” you kissed the tip of his nose and let him hold you and kiss you for a while. Because as soon as you felt his focus shift from his cuddles to the TV, you took your chance once again and kissed down his chest till you were on your knees between his legs. You sucked him sloppy till he was a moaning, groaning mess and the debt from earlier had been paid. And then the two of you fucked all day. There would be other times when you could be responsible, well-adjusted college students. When you would attend your classes and go to your study groups and be on top of your assignments. But today was not going to be that day. Today you were going to fuck all day, all responsibilities and life and realities be damned.