#myrandommind

I've been so attached with BL lately (only for the 2gether main cast tho), because I watched 2gether and it hooked me. It feels so happy to see them together even after the filming. In my opinion, their love is sparkling. They look so good together and the chemistry work so well. It's hard to believe if they really didn't feel anything toward each other. Bcoz of this, I've been wondering about how's their feelings?

Don't really understand about LGBTQ persons feels, I just want to highlight the "Love" in it. I wonder about it sometimes, how they feel when they realized that they're "different"? Did they fell scared and un-sure? Still wondering is it the real thing or just a fling? And if they're sure, didn't they afraid to tell the world? Do they fell anxious about their family and friends judgement? The question list still goes on.

I have a few friends that love the same gender and I asked how they feel? How to do the relationship?

"It's the same as you.", they said.

The love is the same, it's similar feelings when we as "normal" person loves someone. It just looks different because they love the same gender; not align with the "standard" norms. Let alone with religion.

There's no way this country will support them. It's a good things if they're happy, but still they have a lot to fight. Family, friends, and also society...

Same goes with "different religions relationship", most family will against this. Didn't even think about their children happiness, they would say it a sin and you can't get married. Then it will leads to another case; they will try to get pregnant before marriage so they get blessings. Or, they won't get married at all. Just living together, far from their family. Cut the ties to get their own happiness, them against the world.

It will become more complex from this. But it's not a bad thing to prepare ourselves. Who knows what lay ahead, maybe it's us who should understand and support for their happiness without dictating them how to live based on our standard.

Undoubtedly everyone has their own toxic behaviors. Of course there’s also mine. It leaves me regret many things as I recall the memory. But what’s done can’t be undone. Consciously or not, I knew that I’ve hurt some people. 

As I remember, I’ve abuse someone with silent treatment and so do they. I’ve received this kind of treatment as well. It hurts me and I believe it also hurts them even just a ‘lil bit. I admit that it’s one of my toxic habit and i'm done with this shit.

One of my top bad habits is that I sometimes can’t controls my mouth. I don’t sugarcoat things and it sometimes turns to badmouthing someone.

Well, I’ve received some kind of bully/harassment as well regarding my body. As the time goes by, I choose to didn’t care about it. There’s a time that I’ve become so insecure back then and now I don’t really care about it. But it also backfires me,I can talk so bluntly to someone without holding back and maybe some of them is very offended. It’s just because I don’t really care so much about it anymore and I think everyone will feel the same way.

I’ve started to improve myself to drop my bad habit one by one. Try to speak up when there’s something that makes me uncomfortable. Try to communicate about how I feel and resolve anything that isn’t clear. Also how to embrace myself more, so I won’t feel insecure for a ‘lil things. 

Now I need to hold my bad words more. I have to think more before I speak, I mostly speaks spontaneously. Well sometimes it gives a good credits, but I’m gonna improve myself more. 

Didn’t have to change and being yourself is absolutely comforting. But you have to remember that you can’t controls someone to always understand and acts the way you want to makes you feel good, you’ll still get hurts by others.

This is not about someone, it’s about color. 

Lately I’ve noticed that my favorite color is changed since a few years ago. I confident that my fave color is red since i’m still middle schooler and it goes on maybe until i’m on early employment stage. I even have red converse shoes, the red chili one. It’s being used until college time while it’s half torn up. 

Didn’t realize that my fave color gradually changes from a brave, bright, strong, pop up color to a calm, cool, deep shades. My preferences mostly shift to darker color. Grey, blue, black is the most dominant on my closet; still there’s some sparks from the “weird” clothes. The glittery purple, the colored mosaic t-shirt, flowery Hawaiian shirt and so on. 

Somehow the color palette also describe myself; i’m not as bubbly as before. I like to spend time with myself more or with my fave people and feel more tired when I have to spend times with a big crowd. Still sometimes I’d like to have a big crowd energy; group travel and live music would be nice. 

What’s your dream? 

Anyone else maybe has a dream to be a great figure and create great thing or whatever that has a meaningful influence on their surroundings. 

I don’t have a big picture and a clear objective related to such a “dream”.

Just dreaming of a peaceful life where I could be myself and didn’t worry what others think about me. 

One thing that’s been very clear all this time is that I wanna go to Japan a lot. Been there 2 times and couldn’t get enough. 

The other things might grow old with you, have a family, a garden, and a pet. Have a morning coffee, afternoon tea, everyday cuddle, quarreling minutes, and good night kisses.

It seems like the coffee not only for the morning, sometimes it's gonna be for the afternoon and night also. Then comes the sleepless night and exhausted day afterward.

I have that kind of issue. I, unconciously feel anxious when things goes well. Like there must be something wrong with this, or there will be something bad happen later. It's terrifying.

Sometimes it's happen, and the other time it's not. Yea, hopefully it's just me and my stupid anxiety.

"I'm laughing at the fact marriage has become a human obligation. Do I have to be married for the country to recognize me as a person?"

It's the line from Japanese Drama, I forgot the title. It is about matchmaking marriage handled by the government to fight the low birth rate in Japan. All people who meet the category should join this process except they're having a severe illness. If they're not or they failed 3 times of matchmaking process, then they should do social working (woman) and military service (man) for the country. Some of them are having a lot of trouble; didn't match with the partner, or have a different orientation (lesbian or gay).

A lot of new couples have formed, the marriage rate is higher. But there's also a lot of failures, this condition makes the failed one being insecure of themselves. Their thought of being nothing keep showing, "ah. no wonder. there will be no one who likes me. It's better to be alone than keeping rejected by others"

The lead actors write about it on the blog and long story short, he formed a group with the people who reject the systems and start to speak up to the government. With help from the daughter of the ministry (which apparently turned out that she has a "girlfriend"), they speak up for themselves and finally being heard. The system is turned down for good sake.

Back to the highlighted dialog.

Marriage = Human Obligation?

An obligation is an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.

As I step into my early twenties, the most heard questions from others are "when you will get married?". I heard this so many times, even when I'm still in college. "You can get married soon after graduating from college. Don't waste your time". Yes, I have a boyfriend at that time but it doesn't mean I need to get married fast. It just like people see marriage is just a step away from college.

Am I frustrated about it? NO. It makes me realize that life is not only about the standard, I can do more about it. I can make a lot of friends, travel a lot, and also learn a lot. No need to rush anything. And I am not wasting my time to do all of these.

I don't want to see marriage is just another burden. I always keep myself as nonchalant to what people said. Of course, I want to get married, but I want to be with the right one.

How did you know if he's the right one? By a feeling. Very subjective, but yes it's true. Those chemistry should be there. You might feel "I'm okay if it's him/her" or "If it's him/her, I can do this". Just like michael buble sang on Haven't met you yet, "You make me work so we can work to work it out"

By this, it's clearly seen that i'm againts ta'aruf. I want to know a everything about my SO and not through anybody else. I want it for myself and by myself.

As usual, these thoughts have been stored on my notes from a month ago. And now, maybe. Maybe. Maybe I've met him.

Hopefully yes, it's really him. It may sound cheesy, but I hope this gonna be the last. Very fast, maybe too fast. Even I got amazed by myself also, but yeah. Bismillah

My nest, 24/11/2019

I’ve been thinking about the Japanese Proverb I saw on tumblr some other times. 

“The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.”

Let’s digging.

1st face - A face that you show to the world

In fact, it’s not all about hypocrite, two-faced or you named it. Maybe the meaning is about how we behave when facing the world. When you at work; how you behave in front of your colleague, subordinate, boss or just a stranger coincidently passed through you and hit your shoulder. How you behave to the clean lady or the hawkers' seller which you buy your breakfast from. It’s simply the face on your daily life. 

2nd face - A face that you show to your close friends and family

I must admit this second face may be split on to half because not all the face we show to our friends is the same to our family, vice versa. We filter which one we should show but maybe we let ourselves loose when with them. We have no worries to act silly or to be sad because we know that they will be there maybe not always, but most of the times. Still, we choose whether we share everything or not.

3rd face - A face you never show anyone

The proverb said it’s the truest reflection of who we are. Is it?

I don’t think this is the truest reflection, but it is our darkest side. Our eensy-weensy devil on our mind and heart that sometimes become big and overwhelmed ourselves until we broke down. It can make us feel evil towards others or makes us pretty depressed. I bet, no one wants to show their ugly face to others. This face makes us wanna hide from the world and spend time alone until we ready to go out from our cave then show the other face outside.