My Random Flow

I know this is outdated. but i tried to retake the test. the first one was taken long time ago w/ result is ENFP-T and now it changes to INTP-A. Such character development. Or is it deterioration? 

ENFP-T

INTP-A

the worst thing is when you try to open up and expected someone to listen; they only hear but didn't listen.

Lately I feel I'm losing myself.

Feels like I'm not me. I'm just somebody's wife and somebody's mother. Me? Didn't exist. My daily routine not really interesting anymore. Sometimes it's exhausting. I lost sparks on myself.

I'm not feeling good and didn't like what I see in the mirror although actually there's no much change. My weight still the same (less muscle tho).

Then I thought journaling would help. I have that small notes with green cover and I think I could try to have some new hobby. Cute stickers ordered but it's ended up on my daughter's sticker book. I write a thing or two after she's slept. Now it's lay down on the corner of the drawer. Maybe I would try to write again later on.

Need to gather the energy left on me to really really start doing something I like.

boxing. dancing. crafting. coloring. or anything. I don't vote for cooking since it's my daily and my daughter can't let me cook by myself. She'll pull me off the counter.

My new life begin on 2 Jun 2022. My daughter was born. The first time I saw her, “she’s so cute” i said to myself while my body still trembling due to the anesthetic effect. Then my vision starts to blur and I lost my consciousness.

Days after is the hardest. Can’t avoid the baby blues and postpartum depression either. It’s getting hard day by day, even tho i stay at my mother’s house. Still i’ve got no time for myself. Need to breast pump per 2-3 hours because baby’s demand still low but the milk production at the highest. Have to choose what to do while the baby is sleep. Sleep, eat, bath?

The peak day is maybe around 3 weeks. It is the hardest time. My body can’t keep up. IT FEELS SO TIRING. How can I keep sane when my basic needs isn’t fulfilled? I thoughts being with my family can makes me less stress but no. They have their own things to do. I, basically only stay in different place with just a little help. Then I started to broke down. I keep crying. A LOT.

The oldies around me said that I can’t have baby blues. But actually I am without everyone knows. Somehow my mom knows about it. Maybe she caught me crying. Then she tried to help me a bit more.

I cried not only because of the tiredness but because no one understand. They only said, “that’s what it is”. I feel a bit relieved when I talk about this with my cousins. She validate my feelings. She said that she and most of her friends also goes thru the blues. It’s not that i’m weak, but IT IS THAT HARD.

Being a mom is hard. It’s also hard to keep yourself sane while you still have a lot to adjust because everything is changed. Especially when no one understand what you’ve been through.

This journey still long and is the hardest compared to any other things. Even after 7 months, I still found it hard. I’m still tired. Sometimes I cried in office bathroom stall. Hope it will makes me feel better. I try not to cry while my baby is crying too.

Losing someone, especially family will left a hole in our heart. Maybe it will left empty for our whole life because there will never be anything that can fill it.

It's been half year but the feels still here. The shock, hurt, sad and everything. Sometimes it feels better but most of the time it feels worse. My regret just feels a lil bit better, just a bit.

I can't help but feel useless that day. Still can't believe it. In a blink of an eye then he's gone. Thought he'll be safe and can continue to do his plan, do and get everything that he wants.

But God has another plan; the best plan. God ask him to come "home", maybe he'll do better there. No pain, just happy.

Will try my best to not regretting that day. Try to believe it's just how it works. It's one of god's plan, I'm just mere human that can't do anything unless with god's permission. Even though I took other action and decision, it won't change the result.

So tired of getting asked; when you're having a kid? Why u doin' this? Why u doin' that? U should do this, do that.

Why should I? Just let me doing my way.

Haa.

My Random Flow turned 11 today!

Woa. Can't believe that it's been 11 yrs.

Life is a joke. Should I end it?

I try to keep improving myself since I know by bad trait is escaping from a problem by not clear it and pretend it's never happen. Then continue living as if all is well.

Now i'm getting better on it. Push myself to not running away and try to clear it. But you on the other side is such an athlete. You keep running even what we really need is talk. Haven't tired yet?

I've been so attached with BL lately (only for the 2gether main cast tho), because I watched 2gether and it hooked me. It feels so happy to see them together even after the filming. In my opinion, their love is sparkling. They look so good together and the chemistry work so well. It's hard to believe if they really didn't feel anything toward each other. Bcoz of this, I've been wondering about how's their feelings?

Don't really understand about LGBTQ persons feels, I just want to highlight the "Love" in it. I wonder about it sometimes, how they feel when they realized that they're "different"? Did they fell scared and un-sure? Still wondering is it the real thing or just a fling? And if they're sure, didn't they afraid to tell the world? Do they fell anxious about their family and friends judgement? The question list still goes on.

I have a few friends that love the same gender and I asked how they feel? How to do the relationship?

"It's the same as you.", they said.

The love is the same, it's similar feelings when we as "normal" person loves someone. It just looks different because they love the same gender; not align with the "standard" norms. Let alone with religion.

There's no way this country will support them. It's a good things if they're happy, but still they have a lot to fight. Family, friends, and also society...

Same goes with "different religions relationship", most family will against this. Didn't even think about their children happiness, they would say it a sin and you can't get married. Then it will leads to another case; they will try to get pregnant before marriage so they get blessings. Or, they won't get married at all. Just living together, far from their family. Cut the ties to get their own happiness, them against the world.

It will become more complex from this. But it's not a bad thing to prepare ourselves. Who knows what lay ahead, maybe it's us who should understand and support for their happiness without dictating them how to live based on our standard.

yoyoyo. welcoming another year of me getting older and closer to death. It doesn’t meant to be dark, it’s reality. While we get older, we also walk closer to death. But we don’t know how long we can walk ‘til there. maybe years or faster.

As always, many things happened and I don’t make time to update.

well well well. Talking about that “many things”. It’s actually what I always said in my prayer. A big example is getting married.

Selama ini kan banyak yg nanya “kapan nikah? udah umurnya jg.” dan berbagai macam bentuk pertanyaan lainnya yg merujuk ke nikah. Dari saat gw masih jomblo sampe akhirnya punya pacar lagi. Padahal pas lg sendiri pun, gw udah meneguhkan diri untuk tidak menikah. Sampe udah ngomong ke nyokap gimana kalo misalkan gw ga nikah, ya ujungnya diomelin sih bukannya diijinin. Tapi yaa di lain sisi, di saat ditanya soal nikah gw selalu jawab “ya sebelum umur 30 lah pokoknya” Saking gw udah males nyari lagi ya, apalagi udah 1.5 taun lebih jg belum ada yg nyantol. Ehh, bener dong ucapan yg selalu gw ulang2 itu jadi kenyataan. Gw bener2 nikah dipenghujung umur 29. desembernya umur 30, bulan novembernya gw kewong.

Contoh lainnya jg gw selalu bilang kalo udah nikah maunya pisah rumah, ga serumah sama mertua ataupun orang tua sendiri. Gapapa rumahnya deketan asalkan gak satu rumah. Itupun jadi kenyataan, kebetulan udah ada rumah untuk ditempatin dan di depan rumah mertua pisan. Emang kalo doa harus selengkap2nya kali ya. Hahahah

Terus kaya gw pengen bgt belajar ngerjain import selagi kerja di daikin, gw udah bawel minta pindah posisi ke import. Akhirnya gw dapet deh ngerjain import di kantor yang sekarang dan ini masuknya double job, bukan kerjaan utama. Sekali lagi, kalo doa yang lengkap gaes. Masi banyak lah ucapan2 lainnya yang jadi kenyataan, tapi ya minor lah yaa. 

Ucapan yang sering gw ulang2 sekarang adalah soal tinggal di luar negeri. Gw mao tinggal di luar negeri, di swiss atau new zealand. Punya kebun dan peternakan di sana. Tapi gw juga pengen coba tingggal di Jepang, yaa 5 tahun lah gitu di Jepang. Atau lama juga gapapa, buka restoran Indonesia di sana. Aamiin aamiinnn, semoga kesampean semua yang dicitakan. Nyokap jg udah doain jg biar gw bisa tinggal di luar negeri dan biasanya doa mamak itu ampuh ges. Ngarep dan berdoa dulu ajaa, ngerjainnya sambil jalan. Semoga semoga semoggaaaaa.

Undoubtedly everyone has their own toxic behaviors. Of course there’s also mine. It leaves me regret many things as I recall the memory. But what’s done can’t be undone. Consciously or not, I knew that I’ve hurt some people. 

As I remember, I’ve abuse someone with silent treatment and so do they. I’ve received this kind of treatment as well. It hurts me and I believe it also hurts them even just a ‘lil bit. I admit that it’s one of my toxic habit and i'm done with this shit.

One of my top bad habits is that I sometimes can’t controls my mouth. I don’t sugarcoat things and it sometimes turns to badmouthing someone.

Well, I’ve received some kind of bully/harassment as well regarding my body. As the time goes by, I choose to didn’t care about it. There’s a time that I’ve become so insecure back then and now I don’t really care about it. But it also backfires me,I can talk so bluntly to someone without holding back and maybe some of them is very offended. It’s just because I don’t really care so much about it anymore and I think everyone will feel the same way.

I’ve started to improve myself to drop my bad habit one by one. Try to speak up when there’s something that makes me uncomfortable. Try to communicate about how I feel and resolve anything that isn’t clear. Also how to embrace myself more, so I won’t feel insecure for a ‘lil things. 

Now I need to hold my bad words more. I have to think more before I speak, I mostly speaks spontaneously. Well sometimes it gives a good credits, but I’m gonna improve myself more. 

Didn’t have to change and being yourself is absolutely comforting. But you have to remember that you can’t controls someone to always understand and acts the way you want to makes you feel good, you’ll still get hurts by others.

This is not about someone, it’s about color. 

Lately I’ve noticed that my favorite color is changed since a few years ago. I confident that my fave color is red since i’m still middle schooler and it goes on maybe until i’m on early employment stage. I even have red converse shoes, the red chili one. It’s being used until college time while it’s half torn up. 

Didn’t realize that my fave color gradually changes from a brave, bright, strong, pop up color to a calm, cool, deep shades. My preferences mostly shift to darker color. Grey, blue, black is the most dominant on my closet; still there’s some sparks from the “weird” clothes. The glittery purple, the colored mosaic t-shirt, flowery Hawaiian shirt and so on. 

Somehow the color palette also describe myself; i’m not as bubbly as before. I like to spend time with myself more or with my fave people and feel more tired when I have to spend times with a big crowd. Still sometimes I’d like to have a big crowd energy; group travel and live music would be nice.