#myownpersonalhell

1985 Parents divorced 1987 Mom remarried, step father began abusing me 1989 Father began abusing me 1994 Mother divorced second husband 1996 Moved in with mom after life threatening abuse from my father 1997 Began harming myself, was prescribed antidepressants -was bullied severely in high school -started ditching class 1999 Had to repeat my senior year 2001 Mom started to become ill, moved to New Mexico to stay with her parents -moved in with my father -hurt my back at work, began experiencing symptoms of endometriosis -lost my job -father began abusing me again -went to New Mexico to stay with my mom, was diagnosed with endometriosis while there -went back to Arizona, eventually was kicked out on the street by my father -was homeless for a year, mom came back to help me 2002 Moved into an apartment with my mom, was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder -became addicted to Ativan -started taking pain medication 2004 Started seeing a pain specialist, became addicted to morphine and OxyContin -mother put me in a apartment complex that catered to the mentally ill -began receiving social security 2006 Had my first surgery for endometriosis -overdosed for the first time -had surgery for pancreatitis, a side effect of the bipolar medication Depakote 2007 Lost my apartment, eventually moved back in with my mother -overdosed again, this time I died and was brought back -got sober 2008 Had a bridge put in to try and salvage the teeth I had lost -mom began receiving social security, quit working -had third surgery for endometriosis -dated an abusive schizophrenic, broke up with him -started going to Mesa Community College 2009 Started seeing another pain specialist, was prescribed fentanyl patches, lost 80 pounds in less than a month -teeth began to rapidly decay -had fourth surgery for endometriosis 2010 Was put on Dilauded 2011 Started playing music in Tempe, got off the Dilauded, began drinking heavily, burned my hand, became addicted to pain killers again 2012 Another surgery for endometriosis, was told the disease was spreading to my other organs, was brutalized by police after a psychiatrist at the hospital decided I was suicidal after a bad reaction to anesthesia made me emotional, was arrested later that evening, and thrown in a psychiatric hold even though I just had surgery, was raped by a high school friend 2013 Had a hysterectomy -had to withdraw from school -was put in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt -after I got out mom was told she was dying and was put on hospice 2014 Drinking became worse, was mixing opiates and booze, more teeth rotted -mom stopped driving all together -mom was taken off hospice because she was misdiagnosed and not dying 2015-2018 Drinking and drug use became severe, lost the rest of my upper teeth, had dentures put in 2019 In July decided to get sober 2020 Been sober for 9 months

Can i just kill myself Please?

My parents took the doors off my room and the bathroom to get painted and I didn't know I could even hate something this much

I'm sorry I'm so exhausted and don't have the energy for anything going on around me... I wish you could see that I'm like this at home too. The lights are on and nobody's home it's been this way for a while now. I've been seriously wiped after explaining myself and my decisions these past 2 and a half weeks. It isn't personal but I'm having a hard time being social with people. Even you. And I know you're not used to it. That's the thing though, I'm shutting out the people I normally lean on and don't ask me why but that's whats happening. And I'm powerless to stop it.