#myjournalentry

Seven years ago, I portrayed myself as someone who will fulfill my dream, no matter what. I would go through thick and thin, even if I do it alone, just to fulfill this goal. Be a writer.

Since I was in elementary school, I have always wanted to be a writer. Sure, I've also said I wanted to be a teacher, a chef, a scientist, a singer, and even an actress. But writing has been one dream that I didn't give up on. In fact, I loved immersing in myself in the thing that I wrote, I couldn't help but feel like I wouldn't be happy if I didn't become one.

So I pursued it, through high school, and even through college. I took up AB journalism as my course because that is what I've always wanted to be, a writer. But then, I graduated, I took up a job as a company receptionist for half a year, then I got introduced to a media company where I became a writer. The only writer in that company, and I didn't have any superior that can give me experience.

When I left, I was able to apply to a publilshing company but the job offer was taken back before I could sign anything, so I ended up as a Customer Service Agent, also known as a call center agent. A position in the BPO industry that caters to the helpline of companies for retail, media, and other branches.

I currently work now as a Logistics Escalation Specialist in one of the worlds biggest e-commerce company, and I have been there for four years and counting. But because of the demands of the job, I left my dream behind in order to ensure I give my best to this job. So over the years, my dream is slowly being pushed to the back, making up excuses and continously telling myself that I can just start over again when I have the time.

I never got the time, but now…

Now, I'm pushing myself to get back into it, as I found myself lost in the sea of "grinding day in and day out". I can no longer recognize myself and I've resented many things in my life now. But I resent myself more, as I've let go of the one thing that gives me joy.

So I'm writing again, slowly but surely, hoping I can find that happiness I once felt.

So here's to me, giving my dream one more shot!

Well, its been a month now.  I've lost ten pounds, which is great, and feel pretty confident going forward with my eating habits.  I am super worried that 1750 calories a day will not be enough for me when I start exercising in February.  But, I do believe that once I start exercising I will not have as hard of a time with bored-eating, cause I will have less spare time to be bored-eating in.  

Haven't posted anything other than queued stuff in a while, been kinda hectic, but I am still doing well!  Haven't lost anymore weight, which is kind of disconcerting, but I am still very happy with the progress I've made towards revamping my eating habits.

Oh my god I am so out of shape.  Painfully so.  Embarrassingly so.

I ordered a microwave stand for my kitchen because I don't have any counter space right now, and it arrived today.  The package is 65 lbs, and I had to basically drag and push it up 2 flights of stairs to get it into my apartment today.  It took me 20 minutes.  My heart was pounding so hard that it was the only thing I could hear.  I couldn't breathe, and felt like I was going to vomit.  My throat has been burning and I have been coughing like a smoker ever since, and this was 8 hours ago. I can honestly say that it was one of the most painful and hardest things I have ever done.  Carrying a box upstairs.

If I was having any doubts or second thoughts or pessimistic tendencies before, they are gone.  I need to do this.  I need to get healthy, I need to be able to walk up the stairs to my apartment without getting winded.  

I honestly think my lungs and chest are going to hurt forever--that's how it feels right now.  Just sitting here breathing hurts.  

On a more positive note, I burned 613 calories with that exercise.  So I've got that going for me.

Have had the last two days off of work, which has been a true test towards my commitment to this change.  My biggest problem has always been snacking on things because I'm bored, and without work I'm even more bored than usual.

So,  my worries from 2 days ago are a little bit assuaged right now.  I have lost 10 lbs!  I could not be happier with how things are going!

Still, I don’t want to get into the old habits of diets past.  I’ve tried dieting on and off since I was 13 years old (I’ll be 25 in March), and they are almost always immediately successful, which I think says a lot about how unhealthily and how MUCH I eat when not on a diet.  So this is not new progress or indicative of any successes to come, those are all up to me. 

I can remember the first diet I went on at 13.  It was the Suzanne Somers diet, low to no carbs, and I was dieting along with my mother and my aunt. It was successful for about 3 weeks, I believe I lost 5 lbs at the time, which right now, doesn’t seem like a lot, but to a 13 year old who isn’t 150 lbs overweight, it was HUGE.  I was disciplined, had great self control, and was motivated (I believe a crush on a boy may have been my biggest reason at that time). My mother was extremely proud and was doing well herself, so she decided to reward her and myself with dairy queen.  It comes at no surprise that the small oreo blizzard was my undoing.  ”Diet be damned,” I remember thinking, “if I want to eat like this I will.”  Ah, thus began my mini-feminist days, thinking that if I guy wouldn’t date me because I was bigger than it was his loss and I should have to succumb to society’s ideals of beauty and blah blah blah…

I honestly think all too often about what I would do if I could go back in time and live it all over again.  But I know that without the memories and experiences I’ve acquired, I wouldn’t do a damn thing differently.  Still, I’m too young to have this many regrets.

Well the plan is going well.  I haven't been able to go grocery shopping still, but am managing with the food at the hotel and the little bit that I have left at home. Haven't had any sweets, and am shying away from needlessly snacking, so that is good.

Have been under my calorie limit for the past few days too!  I'm really excited about this, and getting more and more optimistic everyday.  I am however, dreading stepping on the scale. 

I haven't regularly eaten breakfast since I was 15 years old...a decade ago.  So even though I am eating healthier, or attempting too, I am still eating more per day than I have in 10 years. (side note--the fact that I have had habits, even bad ones, for a DECADE is so crazy and makes me feel ridiculously old)  My average day while working the midnight shift consisted of MAYBE 800 calories a day, and none of it was the good kind.  I ate fast food all too often, a habit I'm finding the most difficult to break.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in love  with fast food.  Hamburgers are nowhere near my favorite, but the convenience of a drive thru and eating on the go are hard to get past.  Especially when I'm probably one the laziest people ever and prefer to buy my food pre cooked than have to stand in my kitchen for 10 minutes to prepare a meal...not to mention the dishes.

I’m going to do 5 goals for myself on a weekly basis for a while, then work up to monthly basis until this new lifestyle becomes 2nd nature.

 Here goes:

1.  Find a new doctor and make an appointment.  While there, get the routine checkup and actually follow through with the blood work, and ask about anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.

2. Prepare a budget for January of 2014.  This will hopefully reduce some of my stress, and allow me to know EXACTLY how much I can spend on healthier foods for this month.

3. List my motivating factors.  I want to frame these, or post them in my bedroom/bathroom so I see them DAILY.

4.  Plan my meals for the month and go grocery shopping.

5. Weigh myself and take my “Before” picture.  Post both here.

Reminders:

Don’t worry about if I have lost any pounds yet, just focus on creating new, healthier habits.

Don’t worry about exercising just yet, try to maintain eating habits.

Find 5 new healthy recipes to add to my recipe box.