#myberkeleyadventure

I'm out of a relationship. Poof! When I'm ready (if I'm ready), I'll share more details here. But the tldr is I'm at peace with breakup, it's for the best, and we are still on good terms.

You know when sometimes all you want to do is VENT? For the past few days, I've vented to a lot of my trustworthy and loyal friends. With each friend I vented to, I got to a new little insight or gem of how they viewed the situation and it was all insightful. But at this point, I'm exhausted and it feels good not to share it anymore because I don't think I need that talk therapy anymore.

When you are single from a breakup, that's when you realize who your TRUE network is. I've connected with friends that I haven't spoken to in months (one of them, years) and it was like nothing changed since the last time we spoke.

I recently moved to a new apartment and my housemate is my classmate/friend. As someone who had a very, very bad roommate experience in college (mainly because that roommate constantly brought her boyfriend over), I was very apprehensive this time around. So far though, it's generally been going pretty well. Here are my tips to successfully cohabitate with others:

Communicate often and clearly. It's important to set a mutually-agreed standard of how you and your housemate(s) want to live. As someone who doesn't like confrontation, this has been the hardest for me. My housemate would always leave half-eaten dishes in the common spaces and wouldn't wash her dishes until days later. After noticing this was a problem, I gently asked if we could propose some rules for common spaces: wash our dishes the same day we use them, and make sure there weren't any unoccupied dishes in the common spaces. I structured it as a conversation, instead of me demanding it to happen, and brought up the larger picture: we didn't want bugs in our house and this was an easy way to prevent that. I then asked if she thought these rules were fair and if she had anything to add. She apologized for her behavior, said it was fair, and everything generally has been smooth on this front now!

Bring up any concerns gently. I think tone is a big factor in how something might go over. If I go yelling at my roommate that she made a mess, she's instantly on the defensive, right? Approaching it in a kind and open manner will elicit a (hopefully) similar response back. Back when we were apartment hunting, I shared with her my concern of having boyfriends over the apartment too much. I told her my previous roommate would bring her boyfriend over constantly-- his 6am alarm would wake me up daily, he snored, he acted like he lived in the apartment, etc.-- and that I was very apprehensive about the topics of boyfriends being in the apartment. I think that conversation let her know very early on that she needs to be mindful of how often her boyfriend is over. Except for this weekend (his birthday weekend), he's been over very minimally (not only for my sake but because she is a law student who needs to study!).

Try not to make a big deal out of one thing. This is another thing I have to work on. My housemate's boyfriend has been over since Thursday night, worked from our apartment Friday (even when my housemate was out of the house, at her law courses) and looks like he's leaving Saturday morning. He was also here very briefly on Sunday evening to say hi, since he was in the area. Honestly, I got a little bit annoyed because I don't think boyfriends should be over this much (2 visits a week is my hard max) and boyfriends shouldn't be alone in the apartment (my housemate should always be present). BUT I want to be considerate and give more leeway just this time because it was his birthday weekend. If he comes over this often when it's not a milestone event, then I will talk with my housemate.

Realize that rules will apply to you too. I'm currently single and am not seeing anyone right now. I'm trying to be cognizant of the fact that when I do get a boyfriend, how would I feel about these rules? I can't demand new rules, get a boyfriend, and go back on my word. A lot of the times, housemates might not all be in the same exact shoes so take careful consideration when making universal rules.

Okay I graduate next month so I'm calling this my 1.9 years in update, haha.

LOVE: Relationship is steady! Though I am still a little worried about life after graduation when we will be in different locations but ultimately through therapy, I've come to a place where I can genuinely say I'm taking it day by day and not overthinking.

SCHOOL: One *MONTH* left! Is that crazy?! These past few weeks have been crazy hectic with assignment deadlines and capstone requirements. I recently took my graduation photos and it made graduation feel so real. Overall, I'm very excited to graduate and leave this chapter for a new one!

WORK: I have had my full-time job offer secured since the Fall and I'm very grateful that I haven't had to stress about job hunting on top of finals, etc. I'm trying to enjoy my last couple of months of "freedom" before I have to work full-time until I'm 65. I'm also TAing this quarter (as I have most quarters while in grad school) and I am getting a little burnt out with everything. But the end is near!

HOME: Similar update to before. My roommate has not really changed: she's still messier and not as courteous as I'd like (or that I am to her) but the lease is almost up at this point. Living with her and just overall looking back at my experiences living with others has reaffirmed that I want to live solo. I also think it's important to live by yourself (if you're able to) and see how that experience goes.

Being a few years out of undergraduate, and currently in graduate school, has made me reflect back at what I used to think were the hardest years of my life. Now, because I'm older and hopefully wiser, I laugh but if I could go back in time, this is what I would tell my younger 18-22 year old self.

Grades don't matter... to an extent. Sure, if you have great grades, you have wider options: scholarships, employment, funding, grad school, etc. But truthfully, most scholarships and internship offers are based on a 3.0 GPA. Some of the stricter ones have a 3.5 GPA requirement. Unless you're set on going to graduate school (in which case, definitely try to get a high GPA), you will likely be fine with a 3.0 GPA (this is the case especially if your major is STEM; if your major is non-STEM, maybe shoot for a 3.5 GPA). When I graduated undergrad and got my first "real" full-time job, they never even asked me what my GPA was or required a transcript. I say this to hopefully relieve some pressure off you. A few "Bs" (or "C"s tbh) won't kill you.

Make memories. Hang out with your friends. Go outside and go hiking. Go camping. Go on retreats. Get involved in extracurriculars. You don't want to always be in your dorm, watching Netflix, when you're not in class. Sure, sometimes you need to wind down but you don't want your entire undergraduate experience to be summed up with "netflix." I promise you: you will not remember the shows you binged your sophomore year of college, but you WILL remember that awesome overnight camping trip you took at Yosemite.

Network. I used to cringe when people would network in undergrad because I thought they were being so "extra" and so "fake." And now I'm understanding that the mantra "fake it til you make it" is really accurate... It doesn't matter how you personally feel about networking, but the reality is that most people get their jobs through networking (and those who network tend to have a "leg up"). If you want to be successful, I'd argue that networking is a key strategy you should implement, to some extent. The more professional experiences you have earlier on, the easier it is to get better opportunities later on: your success builds upon itself. And you don't have to be super fake about it either; the people who are the best networkers tend to be the most genuine.

Have a small group of close, quality friends and work on strengthening those friendships. It's better to have 3 quality best friends, instead of 10 friends that you're not really all that close to. Quality over quantity, for sure. Although you should focus on quality, I still think it's good to be socially connected with your classmates and acquaintances/friends through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, etc: after all, this is just good networking + who knows who may become your next close friend when you move to a new state! In college, it's easy to hang out with friends but after college, it's much more difficult to keep these friendships up.

Lastly, treat your body well. This means both mentally (most college campuses offer free, or reduced cost, therapy sessions! take advantage of this! once you're in the "real world", these sessions are $$$) and physically (eat the right type of food! exercise!).

I previously published a post entitled “The Honest Guide on Preparing for College” in June 2015. It’s since racked up over 7,000+ notes - which is crazy to me! 

But now with the pandemic happening, I think a “refresh” is warranted for the guide. So here it is: The Honest Guide on Preparing for College - COVID-19 Edition. This list assumes you are remote-learning and events are not in person. 15 tips!

Suffer from acne? Have a mental illness you’d like to get supported on? Visit a dermatologist. Visit a therapist. The reality is, the earlier you start, the earlier you can begin to see results. For me personally, it took a LOT of trial and error to get my skin clear - and what better time to do this than now? While in-person college would’ve had you going bare-faced often in the dorms, you still want to feel your best during these remote-learning sessions. Additionally, COVID-19 is wreaking HAVOC on everyone’s mental health so definitely feel encouraged to get that checked out!

Figure out a rough guideline of your morning/night routine. This still holds true for remote-learning. I would urge you to try to stick to some sort of routine even if you’re not physically going to classes. Maybe dressing up everyday is too much for you, but at least wash your face and brush your hair and look presentable. Don’t turn off your camera and don’t be a passive participant.

Understand that the way you organize high school classes is different from college classes. Typically, college classes are MWF, TTH, etc and don’t meet daily like in HS.

Invest in learning how techniques that make you feel good and look good. That might be learning some basic make-up skills, learning what clothes fits your body shape, learning workout techniques,  where to place your laptop for Zoom school, anything!

Make sure your Zoom background is appropriate and in a well-lit space. Make sure you wear appropriate clothes. This is basic but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve seen in very dim spaces or untidy backgrounds. And I’ve realized sometimes I’m wearing a normal tank top but because of the camera position, it looks like I’m not wearing a shirt. Definitely wear something that looks good on camera, meaning doesn’t make you look topless!

Realize that the first month-ish of school is the prime time to make new friends. I still think this is true. Be friendly during Zoom calls, maybe ask for a classmate or two’s phone #s to be study buddies and bond that way, start up a study group immediately, etc. People are much less likely to have organic conversations now, so you definitely have to put some active effort to build relationships! 

Keep in touch with your old friends! I’d argue that they might be closer to you than your newly formed college friends because it’s going to be hard to make new college friends now.

Be very organized about your schedule. Put in midterms/finals as soon as you know them. Put in study sessions. Put in professors’ office hours. Anything! 

Don’t skip class... seriously. And try to participate if you can. Professors are trying here. College today is now very impersonal, so why skip out on it? What’s the alternative? Watching the recorded lecture by yourself at night? :/

Be proactive about your classes and class planning. Pick classes you’ll enjoy (or think you’ll enjoy). Be diligent about visiting your advisor from time to time (just to make sure you’re on track! you definitely don’t want any surprises down the road, right?) If you’re not a morning person, don’t enroll in that 8AM (seriously, 8AM in college is WAY different from 8AM high school) if you won’t be able to remember material (even if you can zoom from your bed!)

Understand your finances for college. Including scholarships, how much you’re paying out of pocket, if you’re working, etc. It is a confusing topic and can be scary but it’s important to be on top of all your money stuff! 

Be gentle with yourself and others. Recognize that everyone is going through this pandemic and for most, this college experience ISN’T what they expected (or paid for). Be gracious, don’t be petty. Switching to remote learning is a new thing for many of us. Give yourself (and others) a grace period to understand the new methods and how to access the programs, etc.

Learn how to socialize and do small talk. I know, I know. No one likes small talk but I think it’s a skill to be able to talk to everyone and have a pleasant conversation. (Who ever would’ve thought we would have to do recruiting at college fairs online?!) 

Be ambitious and take advantage of all the resources. Wait, what? Yeah, go to that webinar about carbon emissions! Go to the panel about alumni experiences. There have been SO MANY virtual webinars and meetings lately - soak up all that knowledge! It’s never been easier to jump from meeting to meeting! And if you’re doing well with Zoom learning, well, stack on the courses! Personally, I can juggle 20 units in Zoom School but in person, this would’ve been a HUGE no-no.

Alright, there are many of us out here. Long story short: our parents immigrated over to the US, we are first-generation Americans, and there’s often clashes between the Asian culture and the American culture. Specifically, this post is for those of us who have narcissistic, strict Asian parents. If you don’t meet these, I’m sure maybe this post may seem harsh.

Here are 10 things I want to share with my fellow Asian-Americans in similar shoes.

Know that your experience may be common among other first-generation Americans who attempt to normalize the parents’ behavior, but that the parents’ behavior is NOT ok. This is something that I see happening often. I’ll say something like “Yeah so they weren’t the best parents.” or “My parents are complicated people” and the person will say, “Haha but that’s what everyone our age [20′s] says about their parents.” or “But they’re your parents!” I’ve learned to filter people who are dismissive! (I much rather them say “Totally see where you’re coming from!” or “Oh, yeah I see.” and *acknowledge* my statement, instead of dismissing it.)

If your parents see you as an “investment”, you’re not the only one! My parents (especially my mom) see her children as investments. While I understand there’s some cultural aspect to this point of view, I see this mentality as objectifying children and something that is completely tasteless. Perhaps that’s because I’m apparently “Americanized.” I don’t think parents should treat their children as material objects, wanting to “cash in” on them later. Instead, I think if parents treat their children well, children will be likely to return the favor. You should not need to threaten or consistently remind children that they “owe” you.

If your parents often criticize you by calling you “ugly”, “fat”, or “stupid, know that this is 100% a reflection of them, and NOT you. I am honestly pretty sensitive so this bullying used to really hurt my feelings. Now I am older and understand that they are reflecting how they feel about themselves and that they are massively insecure. While they try to say things like “Well, I say this because I care about you”, don’t believe it. What kind of logic is that? If your parents say these things to you, let it roll off and ignore them the best you can.

If your parents are money-oriented, keep your budget and monetary matters private. I understand where this comes from because many of them came with only the clothes on their backs to America. However, this does not allow them to control YOUR money and finances. Please, please, please make sure you have a separate bank account from your parents and that your finances are not co-mingling with theirs. Once that is established, make sure you keep your budget and monetary matters private. Don’t tell them your salary, your spending habits, how often you eat out, your big purchases, etc. Otherwise, they will use you or use the information against you. My mom will throw a literal TEMPER TANTRUM if she sees take-out in the trash cans. OR she’ll go “Wow, you eat out so much. Why don’t you ever buy me anything? You seem like you have so much money to spend.” I’ve had to hide Amazon packages from her, too. (Note: I’m good with money, so her critique of my spending is unwarranted.)

Nosy and intrusive parents? Keep conversations to small talk. Similar to the last point of how parents will use information they know against you... the best way to combat this is to just tell them less information. Of course in my specific situation, I can’t simply ignore or block them (nor do I think that action is entirely warranted ... I just do limited contact). But I tell them small talk topics. Things I know they can’t really use against me. School, work, dog. I would NEVER, EVER tell them about my love life until I’m sure this guy is the one I want to marry, or something. My parents are much too nosy.

Strict parents, high expectations, and never satisfied... To an extent, I’m sure this has led to growth and higher accomplishments. But fuck, I hate when my parents have these crazy expectations of what I can do. And when I do well, they never say praise. It’s “expected” I perform well. Please know that all of your accomplishments take effort and you are appreciated! Even if not by your parents. 

If you have parents who are more “housemates” versus happily married couple, well... same. Divorce is very, very taboo in Asian culture, apparently. My parents will argue very often: loud screaming matches, doors being slammed, things being broken, cursing in their language. They’ve threatened divorce multiple times a year, but um they’re still together nearly 30+ years later. This has skewed my view of relationships. Truthfully, I had a period where I desperately wanted someone even if we might not be the best fit (high school/college), but now I’ve realized it’s better to be single than be in the wrong relationship. I am proud of my growth and single status - I’m working on myself, my goals, and my needs. If you have similar parents, please know that there ARE healthy, non-toxic relationships out there. If anything, view your parents’ relationships as what NOT to do.

 My parents have often simplistic views of medicine and health. And look, I get it, I know there is Eastern medicine. I cannot just “drink more water” and have everything be ok. I cannot just “eat vegetables” and have clear skin. I cannot just “drink Asian soup” and have all of my back pains gone. I understand the importance of diet, of course, but this is way too simplistic and often ignores science and modern medicine. To me, personally, it comes off as dismissive and disrespectful, especially when I ask my parents to respect my wishes (and my doctor’s) wishes to take medication/surgery/etc. When I was coming off a major 6-hour spinal surgery, my mom would refuse to let me take my pain medicine. Um, what? When my mom learned I was on birth control to control my periods and better my life, she threw my medicine away. I believe my health are private matters, and I don’t think anyone (except your partner) really needs to know your business.

Constant comparing and judging is a commonality with Asian parents. And I hate it. Why do I care about your co-worker’s daughter who I’ve never met?! The constant comparing makes everything in life feel like a competition. Now, when my parents try to compare or judge, I just nod and don’t give them any reaction. I’m secure in my own self and my accomplishments. I also think my parents just like to hear themselves talk... 

Lastly... know that you are not your parents. Just because you are genetically related to your parents, does NOT mean you will become just like them. You CAN break the cycle and be GOOD parents to your future children. The fact that you are aware your parents are not the best parents shows you are cognizant and recognize their behavior is not acceptable.

In just a few days, I'll be moving out of my parents' home and into my own apartment! While I'm very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I've been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief. I look back at the years I spent at my parents' home and become even more grateful of the fact that I'm moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, "You think you're going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!" I know he's trying to show he'll still have 'control' of me when I move out, but let's be real... If I'm not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master's degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I've also experienced "sadness". I say "sad" in quotes because I know deep down, I'm not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it's the start of a new chapter. While I'm sad to leave behind familiarity and comfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn't familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I'm older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I'll definitely be ok for this chapter!

If there was one piece of advice I could give my younger self, I would probably say this: Focus on your own journey, and stop comparing it with other people's journeys.

I always heard how software engineers could make 6 figures easily upon graduation. Doctors are highly esteemed and select specialties make money out of the wazoo. If you don't want to go the doctor route, PAs also have the potential to make amazing money.

It took me awhile to understand how each of us have different strengths and weaknesses. And it's really not great to idolize certain professions without understanding/recognizing the work that goes behind it.

For example: There's the stereotype that software engineers have "easy" jobs and the tech industry seems so relaxed and chill. "All" they do is code and they get paid a crazy amount of money. I used to admire them and honestly, was jealous of them -- I wish I could earn that much! But the reality is, I've taken a few coding classes and truthfully, all of the classes were really difficult for me and I was stressed most of the time. I've come to the conclusion that coding and programming isn't for me, or at least certainly not what I'd want to do for a living!

Another example: Doctors are incredibly hardworking. You have to go through YEARS of education and training to be a doctor. And honestly, I can't handle that.

Recognizing the work behind each profession makes me realize how I wouldn't be a great fit in those professions and makes me shift my mindset from "WOW! I'm jealous of that profession and wish I could make that much money!" to "Wow! I know I wouldn't be happy in that position, but I recognize the work that it takes to get there and that's admirable! Good for them!"

Instead of idolizing certain professions, we should admire when people pursue what they're passionate about -- whether that's software engineering, being a doctor, working as a city planner, etc. Recognize that certain individuals are better suited for certain professions over others. Certainly, not everyone is suited to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, etc.

Life is really about finding what your strengths and weaknesses are. When my friends are off pursuing their passions (or still trying to figure it out!), I'm genuinely happy for them. I used to secretly (in my head) compare salaries, benefits, job growth, etc. But it's so unhealthy to have that competitive mindset. Is there even one job that is clearly the #1 option for everyone? Of course not!