#rinsagi

"Isagi isn't a Heracross... those antenna of his makes him a Sewaddle that gets eaten by an Arrow Quill Pokemon!"

otomeroid - rnis

motivation aside i’d say this is the chapter that heavily encouraged me to reel back a bit and decide how i want the last few chapters of tsrfil to pan out to. you’d think it’s something that occurs with every chapter that i produce but i’m a heavy believer of chapters carrying its own different weight as far as storylines go. some will be heavy, some will be light and harshly filler, but it’s a statement in its own right to consider that all of these things: seriousness, nothingness, filler, contribute to the story as a whole. like some big puzzle picture where some puzzle pieces are interesting and some are not.

would you believe me if i said i leaked this chapter a year back? back when i was more of a smaller presence back in the space, though i carry the same heart as i’ve done in the past in terms of being a presence. i’m aware myself at how much i’ve grown in the rinsagi fandom as an author which, naturally follows, being talked about and in everywhere i see, i’m met with positive receptions and genuine love for the story i’m creating. like, i would never imagine seeing myself on tiktok for i created this story out of the love and spite in my own heart that has given me the ability to be the most love-driven, compassionate, i guess, “too much” of a person that i am today. i’ve grown enough in my own skin to love how i write and write similarly to my favorite authors that i look up to, and i’m still growing and living to my fullest capacity.

it’s true in a sense that tsrfil is a part of me and that i put my own heart into it, but it’s gone to the point where i view tsrfil as it’s own beating heart. it would’ve never become a separate thing if i didn’t pour myself entirely into it, much less give it the care i do today. that’s the thing i’m noticing about myself which i’m learning to appreciate—i cannot just be “casual” about things. i want to pour my heart into everything. i want to offer my all for, i think, if i didn’t, it’d be a betrayal to my own self.

my own sentimentalities aside, let’s talk about it: chapter 24. by all means i know how much of a cliché set-up going to the beach is, no less having a heart-to-heart there, but even then it returned me back into my own motivations for writing this to begin with: “i want them to have a talk where the world is beautiful.” to me it makes the scene more intimate and allowing myself to be familiarized with sceneries, this time, testing my hand at the beach specifically in a sunset. it’s simplest in its most complex way—the sound of the waves, seagulls, the appearance of the ocean, jet skiers, the clouds, etcetera. it’s the set-up that matters most to me, then the dialogue and emotions that follow through.

dialogue. we like dialogue. probably the most rawest we’ve seen isagi to date, or, maybe, a more intimate, open version being seen that has been hidden away in all of the chapters before this. so, you know, when editing the chapter, i realized a lot of isagi’s core themes revolve around the state, “permanence.” which is definitely a statement when canon isagi is circled around growth, change, adaptability, feeling the rush of evolving again and again and i admire his pursuit in his goals. writing this now i wonder how much of a dishonor it is to canon isagi’s character to assign tsrfil isagi the label of “permanence.” however, for tsrfil isagi it fits him perfectly. wanting to stay at the beach with rin forever, an eternity that both he and rin know could never be reached, and a lot of it is with isagi’s own thinking, “i want this peace to stay forever because i’ll never know when my body can betray me again.”

isagi opening up is the first time of seemingly many, yet even then and as human as i try to make him, boundaries are still present. it’s natural enough to be honest but it’s also natural in it’s own right to not be ready to tell rin all of his baggage in fear of it being too much and the fear of being too vulnerable. telling rin about his scar is an example of being open, but not showing rin is also an example of him being hesitant and unprepared, struggling with feeling okay with rin at all.  “i want you to know this side of myself that i hate, but i don’t want to show you yet until i’m ready.” isagi’s self-hatred, a lot of it is rooted from being ill, and a lot of self-hatred is rooted in countless other things, as well.

which begs the question, “how do you approach self-hatred when it comes from someone that your heart is written for?” and, “how can i make myself more accessible for you to trust me enough with your baggage?” there’s a lot of routes you can take but no definitive answer. in rin’s case, he’s more of a, “i’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me,” type of person—which, honestly, i admire him for, but how long will you wait until it comes to a point where even your own heart is beginning to wither? this is more of a me thing. tsrfil rin has his own reasons for waiting, specifically in the case that he’s hiding secrets from isagi, too. 

it’s intimate enough to be vulnerable with a person you love, more intimate, even, when you want to see the you in their art. it’s the most healing that rin can ever feel, isagi wanting his art, isagi wanting rin to depict him in the only way he ever could: through a canvas. it’s indirectly saying, “i need your art,” and by all means, i’m not an artist and drawing is out of my expertise; however from what i’ve seen and heard from artists, i want to say this, your art is enough. your art is enough and all that you create is beautiful. the world needs your art. i hope tsrfil rin can be an achor for you, if you’re an artist or participate in any other creative means, to keep creating and be proud of yourself for taking your heart and pouring it onto paper, a screen, a canvas, anywhere a pencil can touch. i can’t stress that enough, really.

a lot of this is communication. a universal key in all things, and what i deem as endlessly important—yet there are different routes you can take to communication. not all communication is helpful; good communication. in this instance where rin and isagi are opening up, i approve their bravery and navigating through this with subtle fear and insecurity for they’ve agreed on the fact that this relationship is important to them. this is also one of the more “love-filled” chapters where declarations are absolute.

because really, what is love without accepting someone’s flaws, being there in their vulnerability while they equally allow you to be vulnerable as well, creating such safety that it’s inevitable for you to be cherished as well? what is love without the understanding, the talking, the silent cues, the waiting when you know that you’re going to be safe and valued and treated well by the person your heart glows for? how self-sacrifical can you be for another person without having your own heart wither in the process, and what then should you do: stay and rot, or leave? 

Hit 100k+ words on my rinsagi fic !!

Woah this is like my biggest achievement in my jobless life, anyway new chapter out !!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/84815761