Murmur

Vivi’s favourite colour is green and she takes that very seriously

Everything that can be green is

Water bottle? Green. Pill organizer? Green. Winnie’s service dog vest? Green with as many green patches as her mums could find

Ava let her pick out her “big girl bedding” when she moved from the toddler bed to a twin and of course Vivi picked a sage green flowery one

It’s pretty nice in Ava’s mind cuz she always knows what colour to pick for her daughter when it comes to anything

And her phone lockscreen is a picture of Sarah and Vivi at Disney both wearing green Mickey ears (Viv’s are princess Tiana themed <3)

***

Vivi was a fussy baby when it came to nap time

It was hard when she couldn’t breathe properly laying down and her nebulizer was too loud or she was in pain

During the worst of it the one thing that helped calm her down was Ava’s fish

Ava would hold her and stand in front of her big fish tank, swaying slightly as the both watched the fish swim around

And that’s why Vivi grew up with such a fascination with fish

So for her 4th birthday (and every birthday after that) she asked to go to the aquarium with her mums

The sharks are her favourite but she likes the jellyfish tunnels too cuz all the glowing lights

***

Crosshairs

Ava hates leaving for long cases because she knows her daughter doesn’t like change

She loves her job but she knows how hard it is on both of them

She always tries to take at least one weekend a month off

And they spend the time doing whatever Vivi wants

Most times she just wants to spend time playing with her mum there

Sometimes they meet auntie Penny and Sarah for lunch or a fun adventure

But usually Vivienne is content just cuddling with her mother and feeling safe with her finally home

***

Borderline

Ava was diagnosed with BPD soon after Vivi was born

It was a really hard thing to accept especially with the stress of being a mother and a surgeon

It made sense of course but it also caused her to confront a lot of her trauma and symptoms she tried so hard to ignore

And it explained way too many things Ava had been afraid to admit

The way Vivi became her entire world and the reason for her happiness

How she would swear she heard sounds that weren’t there or saw bugs crawling over her baby when there wasn’t one in sight

How she isolated herself from everyone and struggled to maintain simple relationships

Ava never wanted to admit she needed help but she knew enough about her disorder to see how it could affect Vivi

So she agreed to meet a psychiatrist every week

The first month or so she brought her daughter along

She had trouble trusting anyone else to watch her

But really it was clear that she needed her baby in her eyesight to keep her calm

That proved to be something her therapist had concerns about

Ava had to learn to let Vivi go and play and be her own little person sooner or later

Ava had work and Vivi would be fine in the hospital daycare

But it was so hard and it kept her up at night

Vivienne was HER baby, what if something happened at daycare or what or Vivi started to prefer the care staff more than her

It sounded so silly but it’s all her brain could think of

The last thing she wanted was for a split or episode to hurt her daughter though or hurt her career

So Ava agreed to take quetiapine (even though she insisted she DID NOT need antipsychotics)

And she kept going to therapy despite her hating talking about what she tried so desperate to hide from the world

But she did it for Vivi more than anything

She would put herself through any treatment if it meant her daughter would grow up in a loving and non-abusive environment

It’s what Ava had needed more than anything growing up and what she never got

Receiving a diagnosis later in life was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, finally having an answer to why she felt the way she did made Ava feel heard. However, the glaring truth that there was something wrong with her made it worse. Something about knowing her trauma caused the disorder was enough to send her back into flashbacks far more than she wanted. The stigma surrounding cluster B personality disorders is bad enough, not to mention the added paranoia of motherhood.

People with borderline always had a bad reputation, with people claiming they were manipulative on purpose or unable to sustain proper relationships. It was a mindset even Ava herself thought before she educated herself on her disorder. Even still, some part of her felt guilty when she tried to make friends or maintain relationships. It felt like she was putting them at risk for manipulation and the stress of her disorder, even though it was something out of her control.

Vivienne was at the forefront of her mind during these guilty thoughts. Her daughter didn’t know anything other than her mother’s care and she was growing up just fine according to her paediatrician. Still, Ava was convinced that she would mess up somehow; terrified she would expose Vivi to the same trauma she had been through. She never had thoughts of giving Vivi up or putting her in danger, though, even when she had episodes. Nothing could get in between her and the need to protect her toddler, not even her disorder.

That’s what she reminded herself when the worries set in, watching Vivienne run across the playground with her shoes lighting up at every step. She would always be there for her baby and she should have every chance at a normal social life. BPD was a disorder shaped by childhood traumas, so as long as Ava kept Vivi safe and happy she wouldn’t fall victim to the disorder like her mother. She had a chance to make a good life for them and raise her daughter right, something her own parents never made sure of for Ava. It was the least she could do, she assured herself, and she could do it on her own.

“Mummy,” that little voice melted her heart every time, “Want juice.”

Ava paused her whirlwind of thoughts and looked down, seeing a shock of blonde hair pulled into little buns. She called them “little sprouts” because when Vivi was tiny they stuck up like sprouts on a plant. It made her daughter giggle now, chanting the term every time she wanted her mum to do her hair.

“Juice?” Ava peeked into the shark shaped backpack beside her, “Looks like it’s all gone, love. Want water right now?”

“Noooo,” Vivi whined, “Juice!”

“Hey, let’s not whine, Viv,” her scolding was gentle but firm. She stood up, picking up the bag as she did so and holding it out to the child, “We can go home then and after a bath you can have juice, okay?”

The way she tapped on her chin as if in thought was hilarious, something she must have picked up from television. The toddler nodded after a while, letting her mum slide the backpack straps onto her tiny arms. With her shark bag snugly on her back, she reached out to grab Ava’s hand and tug her towards the path out of the park.

“Hold your horses,” Ava joked as she picked up her purse and checked everything was there, “The juice won’t run away, silly.”

"You sure know how to make a lady feel special, Connor," Ava retorted, setting her paper cup down on the nurses' desk while passing him the other coffee she brought. She knew he was right, she didn't look to hot if she was being honest, but the least he could have done was pretend he didn't see it.

"What happened to your face?" he asked in a more serious tone, tilting her chin back a bit to look at the damage properly. All under her left eye was shadowed by bruises in various stages of healing, clearly something that had happened over her weekend off. There was a small cut beside her nose too, whatever it was having clearly missed her eye by a small margin.

"Vivi..." she sighed and tried to hide her wince when Connor gently poked at her face, probably trying to feel if there was any damage to her cheekbone or nose.

"How did Vivvy manage something like this?"

"She has been really cranky lately and her tantrums are just... so hard to handle. You know the Ventolin-Albuterol treatments you prescribed?"

Connor hummed in acknowledgement, he had recommended 15 minutes of nebulizer breathing treatments twice a day at their last appointment. The two year old had been dealing with mucus build up during the harsh Chicago winter, so they hoped the bronchodilators would ease her cough a bit. Vivi never liked keeping the mask on her face in the hospital, though she had always been fine with her cannula, so they hoped treatments at home would be less scary.

"I tried to get her to come sit with Sarah for her evening treatment on Friday," Ava continued as she gently batted Connor's worrying hands away, "Vivi decided to throw a tantrum about it and she threw one of her wooden blocks at me."

"Ouch."

"Yeah... It hurt like a bitch," Ava sighed and poked at her black eye out of habit, "My two year old hate crimed me."

That made Connor laugh, earning him a deserved smack on the shoulder from the woman. Ava just glared playfully at him, arguing that it's not that funny.

"It's kind of funny," he replied, "What happened when she realized she hurt you?"

"Oh she was inconsolable," Ava admitted, "We try gentle parenting, of course, but I couldn't help but get upset because it fucking hurt. I don't know if she understood that I was hurt because of her or if she just got startled when I yelled."

"Poor kid. Was she okay?"

"After I had calmed down and Sarah sent me to the couch with a bag of ice, yeah," she sighed a little, "It took a while but eventually she came over to sit with me and wanted me to hold her for her treatment."

"Terrible twos," Connor mused with a shake of his head, "Hopefully she learns she can't act like that."

"Yeah. I really hope so because that could have ended way worse if it hit my eye directly."

Connor was about to reply but a familiar voice spoke up first, "Did you get your vision checked? Corneal abrasions could end your career, Doctor Bekker."

"Doctor Latham," Ava winced but put on a brave face as she looked at their mentor, "Sarah did an initial neuro and eye exam after I got hurt. I have an appointment up in emergency ophthalmology later this evening."

"Ah, very good," he nodded and then looked at them both seriously, "If either of you notice any issues let me know, do not operate if you are not 100%, Doctor Bekker."

"Copy that, Doctor Latham," Connor answered for them both, "I'll keep an eye on her. More surgeries for me today, huh?"

It wasn’t every day that both Sarah and her girlfriend were home during normal work hours, especially on a weekday afternoon. Vivienne’s pediatrician appointments required them to go outside of Gaffney, though, so the couple had scheduled to be off. Their daughter had been quite happy with the arrangement and enjoyed a day out with her mothers even if it was mostly spent in the hospital anyway.

They had gotten home just before their usual supper time, leaving Ava some time to get ready for her night shift. With a few late surgeries scheduled so she didn’t fall behind, the surgeon had planned to leave before 7:00 so she had just enough time to say goodnight to Vivi.

“Darling?” the woman in question’s voice travelled down the hall and tore Sarah’s attention away from the dishes she had been putting away. Ava peeked around the corner not long after, tugging her scrub top down over the green long sleeve she had donned first, “Have you seen my stethoscope?”

“Not today,” she answered, “Where did you have it last?”

“I thought it was in my bag… maybe I left it in my locker yesterday though.”

The brunette nodded at that suggestion, “Could’ve, check the living room just in case.”

Ava agreed but went back towards the bedrooms to look for their daughter first. Vivi had run off to play with Winnie the second she had let the corgi off his harness, signalling to her dog that he was off duty. The service animal was of course still on alert for any changes in the child’s vitals but he also loved to have time to play at home. Ava could hear squeaking coming from the sticker decorated door down the hall and she knew she would probably find a mess of both Vivi’s things and dog toys. It was like having two small children in their home, if she was honest, but Ava couldn’t say Winnie hadn’t grown on her by then.

“Bee? I’m going to work,” she walked into the room but stopped short when she saw the sight in front of her. Her daughter was indeed playing in a pile of her toys, Winnie by her side while he chewed on his favourite bunny plushie. Vivienne, however, was ignoring her own mess and instead had the medical instrument her mother had been searching for in her hands. She didn’t have the earpieces in properly, since they were far too big for her small ears, but she was pressing the diaphragm of the stethoscope to Winnie’s white chest. The dog seemed unbothered, tail wagging the second he saw his owner walk into the room.

“Vivienne…”

The seven year old looked up at her mother with a gap-toothed grin, “Mummy, ‘m listenin’ to Winnie’s heart!”

“I see that,” she crouched down and gently took the instrument from her ears, “Where did you get this?”

Her tiny brow furrowed when her toy was taken away, though she clearly realized she shouldn’t have had it in the first place, “Mummy’s bag…”

“Do we take things from my bag? Or from mama’s?”

“No…”

“Right,” Ava hung the stethoscope around her neck as she answered, “Don’t take things without asking, understood?”

“But I want to play doctors with Winnie,” Vivi pouted, “He’s my patient!”

“Vivi, you know how when Winnie has his harness on he’s medical equipment and not a dog to play with?”

The child nodded hard enough that her blonde curls fell into her eyes, “He watches Vivi’s heart!”

“He does,” she agreed, “Mummy’s stethoscope does that for her patient’s hearts too. You can’t take it away or I can’t do my job properly. It’s like if someone distracted your dog when he’s working.”

“Oh…just wanted to play.”

“I know, but you need to ask first. We have your doctor’s kit in your toy box and you can always use the stethoscope from there. The real ones are special for my and Mama’s jobs, right?”

“Right.”

“Good,” Ava could tell her daughter was upset with being scolded and she sighed, “I’m not angry, Viv. We don’t take things that aren’t ours, though, okay?”

“‘Kay, Mummy.”

“Alright, can I have a hug before I leave for work?”

That made the child perk up a bit and she hopped to her feet, making Winnie look up at her and woof warningly. Standing too quickly could make her hypotensive, Vivi knew that, but she didn’t pay any mind to it. Instead she stumbled over the mess of toys to throw her arms around Ava’s shoulders, mumbling an apology into her carefully curled hair.

“It’s alright, Vivienne, just remember what we talked about next time. You sleep well tonight and I will see you tomorrow.”

“See you ‘morrow,” she nodded, “Love you, mummy.”

“I love you too, my honeybee,” Ava promised as she pressed a kiss to her temple, “Can you tidy up before bedtime so mama doesn’t have to?”

“I try,” she agreed and watched Ava stand up to leave. The woman leaned down again to pat their dog gently, which earned her hand a large lick from the corgi in question. She laughed and wiped her hand on her pant leg, mumbling a lighthearted complaint about the dog slobber. Saying goodbye to her daughter one more time, Ava left the room to gather her things.

“Did you find your stethoscope?” Sarah met her in the living room, her tablet in hand as she settled down in the armchair she loved so dearly.

“Yes, we have a thief on our hands.”

“Vivi?” Sarah laughed when Ava nodded, “Did you talk to her?”

“I did, she said she wouldn’t do it again but I’m sure her thieving days are just beginning,” the blonde shook her head fondly, “And it looks like a tornado tore through her toybox.”