#bpd!ava

Murmur

Vivi’s favourite colour is green and she takes that very seriously

Everything that can be green is

Water bottle? Green. Pill organizer? Green. Winnie’s service dog vest? Green with as many green patches as her mums could find

Ava let her pick out her “big girl bedding” when she moved from the toddler bed to a twin and of course Vivi picked a sage green flowery one

It’s pretty nice in Ava’s mind cuz she always knows what colour to pick for her daughter when it comes to anything

And her phone lockscreen is a picture of Sarah and Vivi at Disney both wearing green Mickey ears (Viv’s are princess Tiana themed <3)

***

Vivi was a fussy baby when it came to nap time

It was hard when she couldn’t breathe properly laying down and her nebulizer was too loud or she was in pain

During the worst of it the one thing that helped calm her down was Ava’s fish

Ava would hold her and stand in front of her big fish tank, swaying slightly as the both watched the fish swim around

And that’s why Vivi grew up with such a fascination with fish

So for her 4th birthday (and every birthday after that) she asked to go to the aquarium with her mums

The sharks are her favourite but she likes the jellyfish tunnels too cuz all the glowing lights

***

Crosshairs

Ava hates leaving for long cases because she knows her daughter doesn’t like change

She loves her job but she knows how hard it is on both of them

She always tries to take at least one weekend a month off

And they spend the time doing whatever Vivi wants

Most times she just wants to spend time playing with her mum there

Sometimes they meet auntie Penny and Sarah for lunch or a fun adventure

But usually Vivienne is content just cuddling with her mother and feeling safe with her finally home

***

Borderline

Ava was diagnosed with BPD soon after Vivi was born

It was a really hard thing to accept especially with the stress of being a mother and a surgeon

It made sense of course but it also caused her to confront a lot of her trauma and symptoms she tried so hard to ignore

And it explained way too many things Ava had been afraid to admit

The way Vivi became her entire world and the reason for her happiness

How she would swear she heard sounds that weren’t there or saw bugs crawling over her baby when there wasn’t one in sight

How she isolated herself from everyone and struggled to maintain simple relationships

Ava never wanted to admit she needed help but she knew enough about her disorder to see how it could affect Vivi

So she agreed to meet a psychiatrist every week

The first month or so she brought her daughter along

She had trouble trusting anyone else to watch her

But really it was clear that she needed her baby in her eyesight to keep her calm

That proved to be something her therapist had concerns about

Ava had to learn to let Vivi go and play and be her own little person sooner or later

Ava had work and Vivi would be fine in the hospital daycare

But it was so hard and it kept her up at night

Vivienne was HER baby, what if something happened at daycare or what or Vivi started to prefer the care staff more than her

It sounded so silly but it’s all her brain could think of

The last thing she wanted was for a split or episode to hurt her daughter though or hurt her career

So Ava agreed to take quetiapine (even though she insisted she DID NOT need antipsychotics)

And she kept going to therapy despite her hating talking about what she tried so desperate to hide from the world

But she did it for Vivi more than anything

She would put herself through any treatment if it meant her daughter would grow up in a loving and non-abusive environment

It’s what Ava had needed more than anything growing up and what she never got

Receiving a diagnosis later in life was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, finally having an answer to why she felt the way she did made Ava feel heard. However, the glaring truth that there was something wrong with her made it worse. Something about knowing her trauma caused the disorder was enough to send her back into flashbacks far more than she wanted. The stigma surrounding cluster B personality disorders is bad enough, not to mention the added paranoia of motherhood.

People with borderline always had a bad reputation, with people claiming they were manipulative on purpose or unable to sustain proper relationships. It was a mindset even Ava herself thought before she educated herself on her disorder. Even still, some part of her felt guilty when she tried to make friends or maintain relationships. It felt like she was putting them at risk for manipulation and the stress of her disorder, even though it was something out of her control.

Vivienne was at the forefront of her mind during these guilty thoughts. Her daughter didn’t know anything other than her mother’s care and she was growing up just fine according to her paediatrician. Still, Ava was convinced that she would mess up somehow; terrified she would expose Vivi to the same trauma she had been through. She never had thoughts of giving Vivi up or putting her in danger, though, even when she had episodes. Nothing could get in between her and the need to protect her toddler, not even her disorder.

That’s what she reminded herself when the worries set in, watching Vivienne run across the playground with her shoes lighting up at every step. She would always be there for her baby and she should have every chance at a normal social life. BPD was a disorder shaped by childhood traumas, so as long as Ava kept Vivi safe and happy she wouldn’t fall victim to the disorder like her mother. She had a chance to make a good life for them and raise her daughter right, something her own parents never made sure of for Ava. It was the least she could do, she assured herself, and she could do it on her own.

“Mummy,” that little voice melted her heart every time, “Want juice.”

Ava paused her whirlwind of thoughts and looked down, seeing a shock of blonde hair pulled into little buns. She called them “little sprouts” because when Vivi was tiny they stuck up like sprouts on a plant. It made her daughter giggle now, chanting the term every time she wanted her mum to do her hair.

“Juice?” Ava peeked into the shark shaped backpack beside her, “Looks like it’s all gone, love. Want water right now?”

“Noooo,” Vivi whined, “Juice!”

“Hey, let’s not whine, Viv,” her scolding was gentle but firm. She stood up, picking up the bag as she did so and holding it out to the child, “We can go home then and after a bath you can have juice, okay?”

The way she tapped on her chin as if in thought was hilarious, something she must have picked up from television. The toddler nodded after a while, letting her mum slide the backpack straps onto her tiny arms. With her shark bag snugly on her back, she reached out to grab Ava’s hand and tug her towards the path out of the park.

“Hold your horses,” Ava joked as she picked up her purse and checked everything was there, “The juice won’t run away, silly.”