#mulaneyskier

Well, guess what? He’s not even here. So try being twenty years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes. And he’s looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very short life that you are staying in a place built on the corpses of children. And guess what? He buried them. 

Vesemir was at the Keep every year. By the way, Vesemir wore full leather armor. This is a centuries old man with a leather codpiece and two swords strapped to his fucking back. Two years in a row, he wore a beret with pheasant feathers on it. Said it was Eskel’s. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. He did not look like a harmless old man who stayed in a castle year-round.

He looked like he should be stalking the streets of Temeria making a living in murder. He was the scariest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the size of a hole he would need to dig for their grave.

So Vesemir would call all the Wolf Witchers together every year to remind them all about the violent world waiting for them outside the Kaer Morhen, and that program was called Street Smarts! I was lucky enough to tag along simply by being there. And the things I heard haunt me to this day. 

“Time for Street Smarts with Vesemir. Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street Smarts!” That was the general tone. He would give Eskel, Lambert, Coën, and Geralt tips to deal with humans.

I will share some of the tips with you this evening.

“Okay, tip number one. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you.” You remember the scourge of people lining up to mug fully-armed witchers? You know how a mugger thinks. “Man, I need cash right now. Hey, maybe that six foot tall man with two scary swords and golden eyes that’s built like a brick shithouse would be a good target.” 

“Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you. What do you do? Well, you can’t kill the guy. Humans hate it when you kill them. So you have to distract them. You get yourselves some coins. When they guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money, go get it!’ Then you throw the coins and run the other direction.” 

I leaned over to Geralt and told him “This is the real reason why I wrote Toss a Coin to your Witcher. So you have enough Coins to throw at random muggers to distract them”

And then Geralt punched me. 

“Tip number two. Street Smarts! Let’s say a mage throws you through a portal. Don’t panic. Once you get your bearings…try and seduce the mage. They are very suspectible to seduction. If seduction doesn’t work, try destruction.”

As I am listening to this talk, which I would like to remind you happens every year, a lot of things begin to make sense about Geralt of Rivia. 

Now, Vesemir turns to me. He looks me in the eyes and says, “Now this one is for you, bard. Traveling with a Witcher is something else and you have to be prepared. I used to tell the others this one when they were younger.”

“Tip number three. Street Smarts! You bard have no upper body strength.” 

And I was like, “I know but, hey.”

“If some monster grabs you, you can’t fight it with fists. What are you going to do against a griffin, scream? So here’s what you do. You fall down on your back and you kick upward at him. That’ll throw him off his rhythm.” That was a big thing with Vesemir, throwing monsters off their rhythm. “They are not gonna know how to fight back with two shiny leather boots coming at them.” “If all bards had steel-toed leather boots, many more would still be alive today. Street Smarts!”

The assumption that many bards got killed by various monsters was a terrirfying thing to hear. Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.” Vesemir, he didn’t want his witchers to die at the hands of a monster. He wanted us all to almost die and then fight the monster off using weird, psych-out, back-room Kaer Morhen violence.

Vesemir told me things that haunt me to this day. He goes, “Okay, when you get attacked…” Not if, when. “Okay, so when you get attacked, the place where the monster grabs ya, in the biz we call that the primary location. Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.” I have been traveling with Geralt for almost twenty years and I am still terrified of secondary locations. If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place. I’ll be at a tavern and someone’ll be like, “You want to come to my place after? We can keep this party going in the bedroom.” I’m like, “Nah. You’re not getting me to no secondary location.” 

Street Smarts! Stay alert out there. I thought I was going to be murdered every second I was on the path with Geralt. I can only imagine what it was like for him to hear this shit as a kid. I once had someone ask me what I planned to do in retirement. I shrugged and said, “Honestly I didn’t think I would make it this long.”

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 6/?

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Fandom: The Witcher (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Jaskier | Dandelion Additional Tags: John Mulaney References, Inspired by John Mulaney, John Mulaney Voice, Mulaneyskier, Comedy, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes Series: Part 1 of [PODFIC] Mulaneyskier series - bamf-jaskier Summary:

I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was twenty years old in Cintra. I walk into the tavern one day, and they had a bard there, okay? Obviously not me, I’m eating! But also not a bloated troubadour such as Valdo Marx. An okay bard. A bard that will play whatever you want him to play for 10 ducats. So I give the bard 210 ducats and tell him to play Toss a Coin 21 times. And then I ordered and waited.

Podfic of @bamf-jaskier's tumblr post

Here’s the thing about when, uh, Toss a Coin plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing Toss a Coin again.’ It’s ‘Toss a Coin is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing Toss a Coin again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played Toss a Coin FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?

Now, I’m watching the entire tavern at this point, alright? I’m staring at my best friend Geralt, who has no idea what I did he’s like staring at his ale like this, and he’s been onto me since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…

WHEN A HUMBLE BARD blares out and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, dishes flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about what a genius I was because when I first walked into the tavern, okay? When I first got there and I’m telling the bard to play Toss a Coin, alright? I tell the bard that after seven plays of Toss a Coin, I want you to play just one Fishmonger’s Daughter. 

Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven Toss a Coins. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, OH FISHMONGER-OH and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of Hochebuz and if you want to know if you can make women weep tears of joy by playing Fishmonger’s Daughter the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven Toss a Coins. It’s true. Dead honest.

And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. Fishmonger’s Daughter fade out. It’s dead quiet. WHEN A HUMBLE BARD....people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. 

Least of all my friend Geralt. He knew it was me, he had know it was me the whole time. He lunged for me, lunged right at me I tell you, across the table and for a moment I feared for my life.

They stopped the bard after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.

Jaskier as John Mulaney part 1/?

Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my Witcher is a bitch and I don’t like him. That is not true. My Witcher is a bitch and I like him so much.

He is a dynamite, six-foot-one, Mutant bitch and he’s the best. He and I have totally different styles. When Geralt walks down the street, he does not give a shit what anyone thinks of him in any situation. He’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. Geralt said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 3/? 

She always gives me this look of like, “Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker. You have no idea. Geralt once left me stranded in the woods while he got sidetracked during a contract. But, go, sing your fucking songs. Bring me my hay.”

She said that. Roach… Roach is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day. She does not like me, and huffs at me and bites me all day long. She trots just fast enough that I have to be at a light jog to keep up. We had to ask Yennefer to look at Roach for curses because she has been acting up lately. She nipped at Geralt the other day, normally that’s reserved for me alone. She is bad at being a horse. We tell her that every day. We go, “Hey, you’re bad at being a horse.”

So, Yennefer comes to meet us at a stable in Toussaint. Sorry, didn’t even walk into the stable, walked into the threshold and went, “Oh, okay.”

Like she was now a psychic mage or something. She said, “I see what the problem is.”

She said, “Roach has become the alpha of the pack.”

And then she pointed at Geralt, she said, “Geralt is no longer the alpha of the pack.”

And in the back of my head, I was like, “Geralt was never the alpha of the pack.”

So I turned to Geralt, I was like, “Let’s pretend for just a moment that you could ever be the alpha of this group.”

Then I turn to Yennefer, “How would Geralt, the oh-so-mighty Alpha that he is go about reclaiming this title? Because apparently that was a thing that existed at one time.”

Yennefer said, “You need to show dominance over your horse.” These are things I hear from people.

I said, “How does he do that?” 

This whole time, Geralt is giving me a glare that would kill a normal man. He hasn’t said a word, he is steadily growing more red, it’s amazing. 

Yennefer is watching Geralt, she’s now getting into it to, so she said, “Well, let me ask you this. Who eats dinner first, Geralt or Roach?”

I was like, “Roach eats dinner first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m., ’cause she’s a horse who we have to leave in the stable before we go into the tavern.”

She said, “No, Geralt needs to eat dinner first. Because the king eats before anyone else eats.” Oh, yes, and what a mighty King Geralt will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon in a stable.

At this point, I lean towards Geralt, I drap my arms over him and I say, “Look upon your sovereign, Roach, and tremble. HIs lands stretch across this entire stable, and he eats dinner whenever he chooses, as long as it works for the schedule of a hose.”

She said, “Now, you don’t actually have to eat dinner before Roach. You just have to convince Roach that you’ve already eaten.”

So… for the past month, I shit you not… I have been dragging Geralt out to stables before we eat and I have sat him down and made him pantomine eating with an empty bowl and spoon.

I tried to get him to make noise, to really sell the decpetion but he refuses to. Therefore, I have also had to join Geralt and it falls on me to sell the ruse. I sit in front of her and go, “Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner.”

The whole time, Geralt is staring at me like I’m crazy, but I just remind him that Yennefer said this was the solution. This is what we have to do. 

Meanwhile, Roach is just staring at us with her stupid face, like… “You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker. Hay, now.”

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 4/?

Previous

My parents didn’t even care. They are nobles. They expected me to just do this sort of thing. They tricked me. They tricked me like a goddamn Doppler. The Oxenfurt headmaster comes up to me at my estate. I was covered in dirt, all confused. Two guys in pheasant feather hats are like, “Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be and try to earn the mastery of the seven liberal arts, become a bard.” And I was like, “Okay.” Yes, you heard me, a bard. -I spent years of my life. [audience cheering] How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst decision I ever made in my life? I spent years of my life at Oxenfurt Academy where they would tell me play a song and then I wouldn’t.

That’s the worst use of 2 years I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, followed a Witcher around for 20 years. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the time, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when he tells you to fuck off and that you are the reason for all of his issues, it’s like you did this for what Geralt, for what. But at least you have got a few hit songs out of it. And maybe you one day get partial custody of a run away princess and the kid goes, “Oh, I want to listen to music,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little lioness.”

And you get out your lute and play an old song for the kid. You make it nice for her. She sings along with her chaos-voice magic and causes everyone in the vicinity to get yeeted across the room. At the end of everything, you get to watch that Witcher be thrown across the room. That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for listening to music I didn’t listen to.

Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my noble-filled family watching as I sweat vodka and drugs, to receive a degree in singing better than most people.

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 5/?

It’s great, you sound like a person. I said it even before we were married. We were just dating, not that this Witcher would ever admit we were dating, and we were once heading towards a library to try and find some obscure information for a contract Geralt had just taken out. Now, I had access to this library from my Oxenfurt credentials while Geralt did not. So we reach this library and I ask, “Can my husband come in with me?” and they were like “Yes, of course. Right this way.”

And I was like, “Oh, that is so much better than all those times I was like, ‘Can my boyfriend come?'” And, yeah, I shouldn’t have said it that way, but still. “My husband” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? 

“Get away from my husband! No one talk to my husband!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my husband!” 

That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his husband.” Brave of you to assume I could kill a Witcher, but I suppose if we both die in the attempt it might be romantic. 

Being married is so nice. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say. ‘Cause I’d been in relationships where I got cheated on, like, long ones. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole worldview. I don’t want to drop any names but let’s just say certain Countesses are no longer allowed to associate with me. 

When I was a kid, I used to stand in from of the bounty boards at local taverns. You know how kids do. And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?” 

And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.” “I’m not gonna do it, but I totally get it.” And I don’t mean in that way of, like, “No one else can have you.” I don’t care about that. It’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who’s seen my dick and had a song written about them needs to die. I can’t have them roaming around.

It’s a shame I decided to marry a powerful Witcher instead of say, another bard or professor or some other profession that has similar strength or lack there of to me. But no, I decided to marry one of the most powerful people on the continent because I have no desire to be the strongest one in the room. 

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 9/?

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me from Geralt. I guess I was 20 and I was at Kaer Morhen for the Winter and I had blacked out drinking, and Lambert came out of one of the rooms holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this someone’s potion or whiskey?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it,  and said: “It’s a potion.” And it was.

And that’s the story of the first time I poisoned myself. Not to be the last either. 

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 8/?

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