#mostly female

dark academia ; a muslim

~

Dark academia Korean ; https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/o-3wie/655808304614883328

Light academia Black ; https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/o-3wie/655617773209272320

I'll get back to work cause this isn't very important. But I thought it worth expressing since I've been putting words to a lot of things recently.

Right now I'd say I'm a girl. But also a bit not. Like if there's a gradient, I'm still definitely in the pink but I'm greyer today.

They say one way to figure out gender (in a goofy manner) is deciding what form your character would take in a video game. Right now I'd feel most like the one who looks androgynous and who no one can tell who they are. Like they may be a girl underneath, but what does it matter? You can't tell. No one else can tell. They're just at the perfect balance of "what.. are you.." to enemies and strangers. Like the rest of the posse of rebels and fighters know the character's gender but go along with the confusion and don't give any hints. Instead they drop ridiculous made up points about things the person did or pieces of their upbringing (that are totally overblown and fake) that continue to confuse. (I'd say the current story (definitely not real) is that this character came from royalty and was being trained to rule, but something about escaping an engagement and blah blah blah..)

I'm the character who is known for their actions, whether it be amazing negotiating or fantastic disarming skills but there's an ongoing joke/comedic beat on the protagonist trying to figure out who I am, particularly after finding out that I do identify one way.

Huh. That last sentence felt weird. Like I was totally on board with the androgynous fighter until saying they identify one way. But perhaps they do? Or maybe it just doesn't matter. That feels more right. They don't actually care. They know how they identify but it's not relevant to the mission so they revel in the confusion of others, since those who actually know her don't care. Her? Them? Her when it comes down to it. But them overall. To continue the joyful banter.

Besides. They all have fake, alternate, or new names since joining this band of rebels. Gender is just another thing that's not discussed for her, like names that haven't been used in awhile.

Also a differentiator from other times: this character doesn't want to wear dresses. Sometimes I'm more "female princess who disguises herself by night", but she still definitely rocks her femininity throughout the day.

I mean gender and gender expression are two very different things. But I guess in the princess one I feel distinctly and actively female, versus this other character.. I'm not sure if there's a disconnect? But it's just not an active, distinct feeling of female.

Talking about me (not the character) it's more like "she/her are still most comfortable and still mostly accurate. Not enough not-female to prefer they/them, but enough not-female that if someone asked me right now about gender I'd be like... 🤷🏻‍♀️?🤷🏻? Eh? Meh? Idenneh.."

There are jokes about "My gender is ____", which include objects, situations, feelings, and explicitly not a distinct, gender-describing term. So my gender is fighting for justice with epic fighting skills that I use to incapacitate (but not kill) my targets, all while smirking at the confusion of others. More real-worldly, my gender is that "mostly dead" distinction from the Princess Bride but replacing "dead" with "female."

And by the time I could figure out the word "incapacitate" I'm back to feeling distinctly female. Hmm.. Weird.

Again, these kinds of looking-at-gender deals aren't really important to my personal journey. They don't affect my day-to-day life. I don't need anyone seeing me as anything besides female. I actually prefer being called a girl and being looked at as female. The only reason I'm writing this out is to look at it because it's interesting. And because apparently other people don't go through this. (I remember talking with my best friend about it when explaining the term transgender. Giving examples like, "You know, like when you realize you're just you? Not just a girl?" And then realizing other cis people don't always have that distinction. So it's just fascinating to me. That's all. But not something I personally need to pursue. It's just like finding out not everyone associates color with letters and going, "Hmm. Interesting. Didn't know it didn't do that."

I feel like most cis people when you ask about these things respond with, "I dunno. That's never been an issue." And yes I get it's not been an issue, but just out of curiosity, do you ever feel that disconnect? Of just, "I'm just me"? Not with the gender thing?

I dunno. Ramble done. Fascinating stuff, I can see why these things are good to know for oneself. I don't really sit with this because it doesn't feel distinctly noticeable most days. But I guess it's good to get some words out there.

I limited it to video game characters~

A - Alice Liddell

G -GLaDOS

D - Desmond Miles

F - Faith Connors