#mortimer brewster

Mortimer's like 'all my family are freaks thank god I'm the only normal one' and then he's so weird about intimacy he's written whole books on avoiding it

Mortimer Brewster is actually the character of all time. He's written multiple books about how marriage is a scam. He's so in love with his wife that he's chasing her around and kissing her in a cemetery, and right outside her father's door. His aunts are the sweetest old ladies you can imagine. They're also poisoning elderly gentlemen who board with them via elderberry wine, strychnine, arsenic, and just a pinch of cyanid and bury them in their cellar. They got this idea from one of their boarders dropping dead from a heart attack. His uncle thinks he is Teddy Rosevelt, and is arguably the most sane person in the room at any time. His brother is an actual serial killer, and looks like Frankenstein. He's simultaneously the most sane and the craziest person in the room at any given moment. He's somehow both tall, dark, and handsome, and the poorest little meow meow you can imagine.