#mormon problems

You know that picture of the happy couple standing in front of the temple. You’ve all seen it. 

I knew that fucker from when we were young, he should have been excommunicated. BWHAHAHA!!!

I’ve been struggling for the past few months of going and becoming the person I want to be. While many things are now going right, at the same time I kept finding myself freezing up when it was time to do homework. I shut down whenever I tried to learn new things that I want to apply in the future, or when I tried to get started on business ideas.

For months now I’ve had no clue why, thinking it was just because the Mormon church didn’t want me to succeed at accomplishing my dreams. Recently however, I realized it was a lot deeper than that.

It’s because my Mom and the people I grew up with in the Mormon church conditioned me to think that being smart or different was wrong.

My mom has a few things that can set her off, like a floor with an article of clothing on it, but there is one thing that will result in her screaming. Telling her something she doesn’t understand.

If I tried explaining how I’m learning how to draw, or maybe dabbling in photoshop, she is instantly cold. She either completely ignores me, gives that fake “oh cool,” and has me leave, or will bark at me that she has no clue what I’m talking about.

It’s gotten to the point where if she asked me how my day was, and wanted more than a simple good, it left me afraid. Because either way I was going to get yelled at.

Now, it’s easy to speak to her, having realized this. All that needs to be done is to talk about things she understands very well. Stuff like cleaning, watching movies, errands, shopping. She’d bark at me if I tried telling her about 3D modeling in detail, but would smile and nod if I told her I went to the massage chair for a half hour, as it is something she would want to do and therefore she understands.

Unfortunately, it stems deeper than just mom, but also how the Mormons I grew up with at my age treated me. It was a giant clique, and I was the only one not invited. The reason was because I wasn’t obsessed with facebook, boys, and sports. I was interested in drawing, cartoons, and videogames. They made it clear that to them I was a burden by ignoring or interrupting me if I tried to become friends with them. If I talked about any of my interests, they would instantly shut down and leave. If I tried explaining cool things that they didn’t understand, they looked at me coldly, as if I was a threat.

I thought that when I moved from the family ward to the college ward, that things would be so much different. That it was just that group that was mean, surely now I would find the people I would become best friends with, since Mormons are supposed to be the best people on this planet. For the first five weeks, I was so happy. People were talking to me, everyone was friendly, and I thought things would be so different, as I ignored the people I grew up with.

Then they had everyone introduce themselves.

All of the relief society people introduced themselves. How they worked in a floral shop, or many of them were teachers or going to become teachers. How they loved sports and being outdoors, desperately wanted to hurry and marry in the temple, and be a mom.

It was really strange to me back then that everyone seemed to be giving the same answers, but when it was my turn I knew to say what I actually wanted to be. I told them I wanted to be a graphic designer (my first major choice before switching to media), that I loved drawing and cartoons and videogames, and how I wanted to work for major companies like Disney or Pixar.

They were all staring at me, some like I was a threat, and others shocked or angry. One of them, who looked angry, asked me to explain in further detail. Being a naive little TBM, I didn’t catch on that I shouldn’t have, and went to great detail about everything, showing that I was indeed capable of being successful.

After introductions, no one talked to me.

Only one person did, who loved videogames, but she looked scared to talk to me, darting her eyes towards everyone else.

I remember feeling like a monster at that point. It wasn’t just the mormons I grew up with. I was a threat and disgusting to people.

It led to me being scared to do homework, scared to be a success.

Back when I was growing up, I developed my Mormon persona. One who wasn’t threatening at all. One who was quiet, knew absolutely nothing about anything, and was submissive. When I made myself become a doormat and refused to learn anything, that was when they treated me like a friend. While they still wouldn’t hang out with me outside of church, I was conditioned to think this was the proper personality I was supposed to be, as church people and parents loved it.

After that moment in college ward, where people were even scared to talk to me, I became so depressed that my attendance was static at best. I attended for two hours at most, feeling all eyes staring at me.

Now, I just use my Mormon persona when I am with them. When acting like a complete submissive idiot, now people have started talking to me again. Because I was no longer a threat. But at least I understand it now, and just do it for fun, as I don’t care what their opinion is.

I knew deep down that I wasn’t meant to play this role. That I was actually a smart person who could be such a success. I learned to be threatened by these thoughts that I wasn’t this persona I persuaded myself to become. I learned to be threatened by wanting to learn and become successful.

But now, realizing what is happening, I am going to stop at nothing to become the person I am supposed to be. To learn and become smart in my field, to succeed and be able to make a living from what I love doing, despite Mom saying I’ll probably be at McDonalds until I hurry and marry.

I am not going to let the people that tried to hurt and destroy me win. I am going to become who I was meant to become.

You know this is pretty stupid Utah.