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I can’t do it. I can’t imagine a world in where I’m not the monster I’ve created in my head. It’s like asking a person that has been blind since birth to imagine what the world around them looks like. They can’t do it because all they’ve ever been is blind. You can’t ask them to imagine something they’ve never seen or known. You can’t ask me to imagine a world in where I’m not the monster I’ve created in my head because since birth I was only ever conditioned to being that monster that everyone made me out to be. You can’t expect me to know or to be able to paint a picture when I’ve never experienced it or even know what it’s suppose to look like.  We all have wants. We all have dreams, but that doesn’t mean that I believe they will ever come true. I don’t believe I am deserving of anything. I don’t believe that things will be different for me. I can’t write about a happiness I might experience in the future when I’ve never experienced it since the day I came into this world. I have learned to live with excruciating pain and it’s the only thing I’ve known so I find comfort in it.  I’ve spent years building and molding the monster I see in the mirror. Me, writing something I don’t believe in isn’t going to change that.  This monster you see has spent years in the making.  It is years of not feeling good enough. Years of abuse. Years of neglect. Years of conversion therapy. Years of drugs. Years of excruciating pain. Years of being trapped in my mind. I’ve spent most of my life wishing for something that never came true. So why bother now? My mind has created a life of its own. I just really don’t see how I can be anything other than a monster. Everyone around me may hate me but what they don’t know is that I look at myself in the mirror and hate myself even more.

Monsters // @stephanieawmartin Photo credit // www.livescience.com FULL TEXT BELOW: We stand together against a dark foe lurking in shadows, silent screams echoing through emptiness creating a haunting depth of silence. I know you stand beside me, alongside, helping to capture our ghost in pitch black, despite the danger, but the true thing I fear is losing you to the same monster that took me. Sometimes monsters aren’t the ones you see in the movies, but in the mirror. Prompt: #monsterinthemirror Tagging some, open to all. #stephanieawmartin #poetess #redefiningtheparadigm #iowacity #iowa #midwest #author #artist #writer #poetry #livescience #womenwhowritepoetry #poetryisnotdead #womenwhowrite #instapoet #writerslife #writers #creativewriting #writing #herheartsreach #herheartlive #fridaynighthearts #herheartsreachlive #halloween #vampires I stand in #solidarity with my brothers and sisters with #mentalillness. #endthestigma #letstalkaboutmentalhealth (at Iowa City, Iowa) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpjpucxFLQh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1sid5upjru3yc