#monster inside

Content warning: physical abuse, restraints, mentioned homelessness

There's a good chance I will make more parts. Though usually I skip pretty fast to rescue and recovery part but with this one I want to work on the painful bits a bit more. Might need some inspiration for that.

"Geh weg, ich will alleine sein!" und

"Warum nimmt mich niemand in den Arm?"

BORDER LINE

Gestern war noch alles in Ordnung und heute kann ich nicht mehr aufhören zu weinen. Morgen bin ich verzweifelt und übermorgen scheint mein Leben das schönste auf dieser Welt zu sein.

Manchmal bin ich wütend auf mich und auf dich und auf jeden. Ich verstehe nicht, warum alles so ist, wie es ist und warum ich so bin, wie ich bin und kurz darauf finde ich alles großartig und mein Herz tanzt vor lauter Freude. Ich bin immer für andere da, weil ich weiß, wie es sich anfühlt, wenn alle wegschauen und dabei vergesse ich mich selbst wieder irgendwo auf diesem Weg und muss dann zurücklaufen, um mich wiederzufinden & beim nächsten mal besser auf mich aufzupassen.

Jeder kennt mein Lachen, aber nur wenige können wirklich verstehen, wie ich fühle. Jeder hört, was ich sage, aber kaum jemand versteht, was ich wirklich meine. Jeder liest, was ich schreibe, aber fast niemand sieht, was wirklich für ein Schmerz dahinter steckt. Ich möchte reden und die Gewissheit haben, dass einer da ist, der nicht nur hinhört, sondern zuhört.

Ich möchte schweigen und die Gewissheit haben, dass einer da ist, der auch meine Stille erträgt. Ich möchte weinen und die Gewissheit haben, dass einer da ist, der nicht nur abwartet, sondern genau dann für mich da ist.

Und vorallem möchte ich lachen und die Gewissheit haben, dass einer da ist, der mich nicht auslacht, sondern mit mir zusammen lacht. Denn manchmal hockt das kleine Mädchen in mir drin weinend in der Ecke, während alle wieder nur bewundern, wie stark ich doch bin. Wisst ihr, ich habe echt kein Problem damit zu kämpfen.

Aber ich habe ein Problem damit, nichts anderes mehr zu tun und darum versuche ich immer wieder mein Leben mit ganz vielen tollen Momenten zu füllen und mich selbst mit all meinen Facetten so zu akzeptieren, wie ich bin. Es wird ein langer steiniger Weg…

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand

A/N: Have I mentioned how much I love these boys? It's...a lot lol. This one takes place during 1x08 "Monster Inside." The show seems to play a little fast and loose with the timeline of shifts, so for the purposes of this fic we're assuming the episode takes place over a few days and a few shifts. So feasibly T.K. could have made a little visit to his not-boyfriend's house. Enjoy!

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Carlos had never met anyone quite like T.K. Strand. Someone who so completely understood his life as a first responder. Someone so equally sexy and cute and funny and damn good in bed…or on the couch…or the floor..or wherever they ended up. So it wasn’t a surprise that the knock on Carlos’ door sent a thrill of nerves up and down his spine.

“Hey,” he said, trying to play it cool as he opened the door. He gently grabbed the front of T.K.’s shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. A kiss that was…surprisingly tense and unromantic. 

Carlos almost frowned as they moved across the living room, hands cupping T.K.’s face as he deepened the kiss. It was like kissing a rock. Something was off. He pulled back, looking questioningly at him. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m fine,” T.K. said shortly.

Carlos made another attempt, hands reaching for T.K.’s belt as he guided him to the couch by feel and memory rather than sight, lips once again finding his as they sank down together. It took only a few more seconds for Carlos to realize he was the only one who seemed interested in participating.

He sat up, putting space between them. “Listen, T.K., I know we haven’t been doing this for that long, but usually when you come over there’s a little more…enthusiasm.”

“Well, maybe I’m just not in the mood tonight,” T.K. said grouchily, sitting up and straightening his t-shirt.

A spark of fear lit inside Carlos, so hot and bright that he put a hand to his chest as if he could somehow extinguish it. “Do you want to talk about it?” Please don’t say there’s someone else. Please don’t say you’re not into this anymore.

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever’s got you all twisted up?”

“No.”

Carlos sighed. “Okay then do you want to leave? Because there’s no point in you being here if you’re just going to sit around angry.”

T.K. let his head drop onto his shoulder, sending Carlos a sideways glare to show his annoyance. “I don’t want to leave.”

Well that seemed like good news. Carlos tentatively put a hand on his knee. Their relationship was still so new, he wasn’t quite sure yet what all their boundaries and rules were. But T.K. was clearly upset about something and Carlos couldn’t help wanting to fix it. “Then talk. You’ll feel better.”

T.K. rolled his eyes and heaved out sigh. “My dad got a dog.”

Carlos let that sink in. “And…you don’t like dogs?”

“No, dogs are fine.”

Carlos waited for more but apparently T.K. was going to make him pry it out. “You wanted to help choose the dog?” he guessed.

“No! I don’t care what kind of dog it is.”

“Okay, T.K. you’re going to have to help me out here because I honestly don’t know what the problem is and I’ve already interrogated enough people today.”

“It’s a fucking cancer dog!” T.K. said, throwing up his hands in annoyance. “My whole life, my whole life I’ve wanted a dog and the answer was always no. And now he finally caves and gets one and it’s a walking tombstone. God! What the hell was he thinking?”

Carlos was still confused but he tried to piece it all together. “Why would your dad pick a dying dog?”

“It’s some kind of…program thing.” T.K. waved his hand aimlessly in the air as he tried to explain. “They’ve got the same type of cancer and take the same drugs and I guess somehow that makes him feel better. I don’t know why he couldn’t have gotten himself a motorcycle or a hot tub if he was going to have a mid-life cancer crisis. At least they wouldn’t take a crap on the floor or need to be walked three times a day.”

“I didn’t know your dad had cancer,” Carlos said quietly.

TK ran his fingers through his hair, a sign of his agitation. “It’s fine. It’s lung cancer, he was in the Towers on 9/11. He’s getting treatment, the prognosis is good.”

Carlos moved his thumb back and forth over T.K.’s knee in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “Still, must be tough. You and your dad are close right?”

“Yeah well, the chemo and all that isn’t exactly a walk in the park.”

Carlos chose his next words carefully. This was the first time T.K. had opened up to him since the night of the bar fight and he was afraid if he overstepped he might not be able to walk it back. “Listen, I’m not an expert on this kind of thing but…do you think maybe this isn’t really about the dog?”

“I know it’s not about the dog!” T.K. said in exasperation. “I’ve been to enough therapy to know this is about my dad, not the giant fur ball he dragged into our firehouse without asking. But just…let me pretend it is, okay? I don’t feel like dealing with everything else right now.”

Carlos nodded sympathetically. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” T.K. sighed, eyes looking dejectedly down at the hand on his knee. “No I’ll get over it. Or figure it out or whatever. Thanks for letting me bitch about it.”

“Of course,” Carlos said. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about it.”

T.K. snorted. “I ruined perfectly good sex with my feelings, you should not be thanking me.”

“This might sound crazy, but I actually believe feelings and sex can go hand in hand,” Carlos said with a chuckle. “But if you’re not feeling it today we could just hang out. If you want. Watch TV or something.”

“What like old people?”

Carlos laughed. “Or just people. Friends. Something like that.”

“Carlos we’ve talked about how I’m just not really—“

“Into the dating thing. I know,” Carlos said. “Think of it more as a hangout between bros.” He tried not to wince as he said it because god, he did not want T.K. to be ‘just his bro.’

“I don’t think bros like to cuddle as much as you do,” T.K. teased as Carlos reached for the remote.

Carlos grinned at him. “Well then they don’t know what they’re missing.”

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