#mod bearpelt

Shalom! Welcome to the family! How exciting, to begin your conversion! Let me see how I can help here.

I’m not a convert myself, but I talked to a couple folks and I think this should work well. For the beginning, I’d either address it with “Rabbi [Name]” if you know which rabbi you’re emailing specifically, or with “To Whom It May Concern” if you’re not sure who will be reading it.

The main things you want to communicate, I think, are your intention to convert, your ability to attend services, and what kind of studying you’ve already done. For the last part, you can mention what your experience with Judaism has been, too, like if you’ve been to a friend’s Shabbat or if you’ve been starting to eat kosher, things like that. You can also detail a little bit of why you want to convert to show your sincerity, if you want! You also have the option to explain what your disability is and how it prevents you from attending regularly if you want to; you’re not obligated to at all. The aspects I’ve mentioned as optional can easily be taken out of the example I’ve written below:

To Whom It May Concern.

Hi. My name is [name]. I’m contacting you because I’m interested in converting to Judaism and have been for some time. I really connect with Judaism because [insert brief list of reasons why Judaism is awesome].

I’ve been doing self-led study while I’ve been coming to this decision. So far, I’ve read [insert books you’ve read]. I’ve also begun [insert things you’ve done to make your home a Jewish home].

One thing that might be relevant is my ability to attend services at synagogue. I live 2 hours away from the nearest synagogues and due to my disability [insert name of disability], I’m unfortunately not able to attend weekly. This is because [insert explanation of disability].

However, I’m still very interested in converting and would appreciate your guidance in this. Thank you for your time.

[Your Name][Contact info other than email if applicable]

Apologies for any delays, neighbor. Let’s see if I can help with this.

This is definitely one of those awkward questions, I think. For some reason, people are expected not to ask questions about money, regardless of how important they are.

I think the way you can ask your boss about this depends on what kind of job this is. Are you employed, like at a retail store type of thing? Or are you a contractor, essentially being hired for one project as a freelancer? And if it’s the latter, do you have a contract?

If it’s the first one, where you’re an official employee, that’s probably easier to handle. You’ll either want to talk to your boss or possibly go to the HR department if you have one. Most of these jobs pay every two weeks or so, so that’s what I’ll be writing in my example, but replace it with whatever applies instead.

Hi, I wanted to talk to you about my paycheck. I was under the impression that employees get paid every two weeks, so I should have gotten a paycheck/direct deposit on [insert date] but haven’t gotten anything yet. Is something going on?

Very simple, nothing too complicated. Don’t let them blow you off, if they try to. Keep asking questions, demand an answer if you have to.

If you’re a contractor, however, it can be a little different. If you’ve ever read submissions on the Clients From Hell website, you probably know that a lot of people try to wiggle out of paying freelancers. Hopefully this isn’t what’s happening. I recommend calling or emailing the person who’s supposed to pay you and say something like this:

Hello, I wanted to ask about my payment. I was expecting to be paid by [insert date]. Can we discuss what’s going on with that, please? Thank you.

Again, very simple. Keep this to the point and have that professional, slightly-distanced tone that people use for customers and the like. This is a totally normal question to ask, so treat it that way! Try to avoid any kind of accusatory tone, as that tends to make people defensive, but also don’t offer excuses on their behalf. They’re supposed to pay you and you’re asking to be paid. Nothing dramatic there, right?

If you’re a contractor without a contract, things could get tricky if they’re trying to wiggle out of paying you. I don’t have great advice for that in particular other than being very firm and to the point.

This is a little bit broad as a question, so please feel free to send in another ask if you end up wanting something more specific.

I think the question is what goal you have with telling people. Do you want them to understand you better? Do you simply want to be able to be open with them? Do you want accommodations?

I’ll assume all of the above for these scripts because it’s easier to trim things out of a script, I think.

With potential friends, I think it’s not explicitly necessary to tell them right away that you’re autistic. It can come off as a little bit “heavy” if you don’t already have an established sense of closeness or intimacy. However, there is still a way to do this! The key is to make it seem like no big deal.

People will often follow your lead on the tone of a conversation. (An easy example is if someone, say, runs into a room in a panic and yells, “something happened!” as compared to if they run into the room excited, grinning, and yell “something happened!” The first makes it more likely the listener will panic, but the second makes it more likely they’ll assume it’s great news.) Dropping that you’re autistic casually into a conversation is generally the best way to go when it comes to acquaintances because they’ll respond the casual nature of your statement. If you treat it like a Big Deal, they’re more likely to feel like you’re suddenly divulging something dramatic and expect something dramatic in return that they might not be ready to give you yet.

With this, it’s best to not plan the beginning of a conversation around it. Instead, you’ll want to bring it up when something relevant comes up.

So if an acquaintance is talking about learning spoken languages, you could mention having difficulty with audio processing since you’re autistic:

Ugh, I wish I could learn that better. I’ve got audio processing issues cuz I’m autistic and it makes it hard to learn spoken languages, I’m so jealous!

This allows them to either inquire further or to simply respond with more information about spoken languages, thus casually continuing the conversation.

It could also come up by way of them inviting you to somewhere that could cause sensory overload, like a concert. So you could respond like this:

That’s super nice of you, but unfortunately I’ve got sensory issues that make concerts too stressful for me. I’m autistic and the noise is just too much. Maybe we could do something else together? You can still totally go, though, it won’t bother me!

It’s sort of like casually mentioning, “oh I can’t go to a seafood restaurant, I’m severely allergic to seafood.” It’s not a Big Deal. It’s just something they need to know so that you both can come up with an alternate solution.

You can also mention it by bringing up an interesting story related to it. For example, if someone mentions that they were a “troublemaker” or a “goody-two-shoes” as a child, I’ll mention this story:

I’m autistic and a lot of us are rule-followers by nature and, apparently, when I was a kid, I would just own up to everything to my parents. Even stuff I didn’t do! A lightbulb died once and I went crying to my mom cuz I thought I broke it. It was pretty funny, apparently, I was distraught.

These are some good ways to mention it with acquaintances in a very low-pressure sort of way. Many of these could also work for “adults” in general if you just want to casually mention it.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “adults” as a category because I’m not sure what the context would usually be. However, telling teachers/school staff is something I can help with!

You’re probably telling a teacher so that they understand when you might need accommodations or how your learning process is different. In other words, you’re telling them so that they can better help you.

This is usually a little more formalized because they’re an authority figure and you have a more distinct purpose for telling them. A parent/guardian figure could also help explain this if you want to have a teacher-parent meeting of some sort, which you could mention to your parent/guardian.

Otherwise, I recommend asking the teacher if you could speak privately with them about a personal matter. (Even if you’re open about being autistic to your peers, this is a conversation better had with some sort of privacy.) The teacher will maybe ask to talk to you at the end of class or something, but they should find a time to do so. You can make a notecard for the things you want to remember to mention, if you like.

During the conversation, you want to tell them that you’re autistic, how that affects you, what you need from them, and how public the information is.

The conversation can start like this:

I wanted to talk to you about something personal. I’m autistic and thought it was important for you to know.

This is where you go into how it affects you specifically.

For me, that means that I have sensory issues with [insert list of sensory issues].

I sometimes miss social cues like [insert list of social cues you struggle with, like facial expressions or when you should stop talking, etc].

Sometimes I go non-verbal.

Etc. Mention what applies to how you would interact with a classroom, essentially. Next, you explain what you need from the teacher.

What this means for you is that I might sometimes need a quiet space to calm down from sensory overload.

If I go nonverbal, I can communicate with you through notes, but don’t pressure me to speak verbally because it makes it even harder for me to do that.

I’ll need accommodations for tests and would like to know how to go about that.

Etc. This is where you’re basically giving the teacher instructions on what they need to do. A lot of people simply don’t know what you would need and you don’t want them to assume cuz they’ll probably be wrong. 

After that, mention how private this is.

I’d prefer it if you didn’t talk to other teachers about it or the other students.

I’m open about it, so I don’t mind if you ask me about it sometimes in class.

And so on. This will generally work fine as teachers should be used to learning these sorts of things about students.

For medical professionals, most of the script for teachers/staff will apply, actually. However, usually when you have an appointment, they’l have some paperwork where you’d mention that you’re autistic somewhere, so they probably already know some of it.

The only thing I can think of that’s different from the teacher/staff script is that you might need to ask specific questions about your health and how it intersects with being autistic.

The time to bring this up would sometimes be with a nurse as they’re doing the stuff where they take your measurements and heartbeat, etc. If you need the doctor to specifically be quiet when they come in or not touch you without warning, mentioning it to the nurse would be a good way to go about it.

When the doctor comes in to see me, I need them to know not to touch me without warning. I’m autistic and it’s a sensory issue. Would you be able to tell them?

If the nurse can’t tell them themself for some reason, they should explain how you can let the doctor know.

Otherwise, if it’s something like a question about treatment or medication, you can usually ask the doctor yourself during the appointment while the topic is part of the discussion. You can also bring up the topic yourself if need be.

I had a question about treatment options for this since I’m autistic. [Insert treatment here] would be really difficult for me because of [insert reasons], so is there another option to avoid that?

And so on.

I hope that helps, anon!

Oof. My sympathies. This is always frustrating. As an autistic who passes for neurotypical but is very open about being autistic, I get this a lot, too. There are a few ways to handle this and I wouldn’t be surprised if some folks add some other suggestions to this post as well. But let’s see what I can come up with!

First, a short reminder that you’re not obligated to tell anyone that you’re autistic if you don’t feel like it. You don’t owe anyone that information. But if you’re like me, maybe you’re almost spitefully open about being autistic because screw anyone who has a problem with it. That’s valid too!

I think the different ways to handle it depend a lot on the goal of your response. Do you want to educate? Or do you want to avoid conflict? Both of these have varying degrees of politeness or combativeness in them, but the goal is the important part.

Here are some examples for politely avoiding conflict:

Huh. Anyways about those sports/[insert subject change].

Well, I actually am autistic. And now you know! Anyways, about those sports/[insert subject change].

Well, a lot of non-autistic folks don’t know much about it, so it’s no wonder you might not have known. Anyways, about those sports/[insert subject change].

All of these examples of politely avoiding conflict should generally work with both peers and authority figures and adults alike. These examples are probably most effective on authority figures who are stubborn about being corrected.

The first example is the least confrontational. It’s the epitome of what I call a “non-answer,” in that you’re responding as per social etiquette but without saying anything of relevance before you change the topic.

The second one should use a cheerful, matter-of-fact tone. This sets a tone for the conversation that tells the other person “I don’t see this as a big deal and I don’t think you should see it as a big deal either.” People will often follow your lead on that because, if they feel otherwise, they then have to make a big deal out of it when you’ve already established a very calm atmosphere. So they’d be upsetting the flow of the conversation in order to act like you being autistic is some sort of huge revelation. Most people aren’t likely to do that because they’d feel like they’re “creating a scene” or something similar.

The third example has a hint of an education-focused answer to it, but is still primarily about avoiding conflict in a polite way. By mentioning that most allistics don’t know much about autism, you’re basically giving them an acceptable “out” of what they said. You’re not agreeing with what they’ve said. You’ve only politely pointed out that it’s not their fault they don’t know more about autism. This avoids an accusatory tone that puts people on the defensive and instead implicitly “forgives” them for their slip-up. It hints that you don’t think being autistic is a huge deal without directly calling them out on it. Changing the subject helps smooth over the awkward feeling this can cause, too.

Here are some examples for aggressively avoiding conflict (yes, this can be done):

I only don’t “seem” autistic to you because you don’t know much about autism. Anyways, about those sports/[insert topic change].

[long pause while you give them a skeptical look] ....... Really. So, about those sports/[insert topic change].

I seem perfectly autistic, thank you. Anyways, about those sports/[insert topic change]/[physically leave the conversation].

This is much harder to pull off because “aggressive” and “avoiding conflict” generally don’t mix well. Think of this method like a prickly cactus, though; you’re using an unpleasant demeanor to indicate that you don’t want to hear that response again. This is often easier with peers. An authority figure like a teacher or an adult is more likely to respond with some sort of dislike for your “tone.” I would only try these examples if you feel you can successfully intentionally make someone uncomfortable and then swiftly change the subject.

The first example makes it very clear that you found their comment offensive but don’t feel like discussing it further by changing topic. People will often not be expecting this and may be thrown off by the sudden topic change before they can formulate a response to your first comment.

The second example works by making the conversation uncomfortably silent. And making them deal with making things awkward. By eyeing them silently with some disdain, you’re making them question what they said and they’re likely to be grateful for literally any other topic after a few moments of this.

The third example it quite brief, but the sarcastic “thank you” at the end really puts the pin in the statement. It shows your distaste for that kind of statement. It also introduces the option of simply physically leaving the conversation, which prevents them from having a comeback.

Next is are some examples for politely educating:

You probably didn’t mean anything by it, but it’s actually considered offensive to say that kind of thing because it sounds like you’re saying you don’t believe me. 

Actually, a lot of what people see of us in the media isn’t accurate at all, so it’s slightly offensive to say that I don’t “seem” autistic.

Well, autism is a spectrum disorder and can present in so many different ways, so there’s no one way to “seem” autistic.

This type of response usually works just fine with peers. Whether it works with authority figures or not depends a lot on your relationship with them. I was a favorite with teachers, so if I had taken this approach, they probably would have listened to me. But teachers who see you as a troublemaker might not listen. And some adults react poorly to being challenged in any way. But if you want to educate an authority figure, doing so politely is usually more effective.

The first response is a very good example of how to correct someone’s misinformation while giving them an “out.” By framing it with “you probably didn’t mean anything by it,” you’re giving them the opportunity to reassure you that they meant no offense. It also implies that that’s how you interpreted it (even if you didn’t). It doesn’t teach them exactly why it was offensive, but it gives them an opening to ask why. At that point, you can definitely elaborate on it because, after all, they asked.

The second response also gives them an “out” by placing the blame on media that gave them bad information. That allows them to respond that they weren’t aware of that and wow it’s so cool that they’re learning, that sort of thing.

The third one is the least confrontational out of these responses because it isn’t even mentioning them in the response or that what they said was offensive. But it’s also one of the more direct ways to correct them. By avoiding making it about them or how offensive it was, it makes the response easier for them to listen to.

Finally, we have some examples for aggressively educating:

And what, exactly, does an autistic person “seem” like?

Wow, that’s actually really offensive. You should do more research into what we have to say about autism before making statements like that.

I’m sorry, is that supposed to be a compliment? Are you saying that it would be a bad thing to “seem” autistic?

If I’m being honest, I’m often a fan of aggressively educating. (I often choose to politely educate instead, but these thoughts are usually on my mind while I do so.) These aren’t really going to be more or less effective between peers or authority figures because it’s confrontational and most people don’t like confrontation. A peer might be slightly more likely to listen than an adult would, though.

The first response, while combative, does allow them to realize that what they said was offensive. Sometimes they’ll recognize it and apologize here. Otherwise, this response is a good set-up for them digging themselves a hole. If they waffle on their response (”uh, well, I don’t know”), then you press in with something like, “well why did you say that then?” If they continue to insist that you don’t “seem” autistic or whatnot, that’s where you can start picking apart their statements. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their own fault for doubling down on saying something offensive that clearly bothered you, so they can deal with the infodump.

The second response just straight up calls what they said offensive and wrong but also directs them to where to look for better information. It’s also a way to indicate that you don’t feel like doing it for them. They can use Google.

The third response is probably the most combative but can also be the most effective because it can make them realize what they said. It puts them on the defensive and they’re forced to either defend that they said something offensive or realize what they said was wrong.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for your patience while we’ve tried to get to this, anon!

This is one of those things that can be super awkward or difficult to bring up, especially if you’re not close with a roommate/flatmate. But! Remember, the two of you have agreed to share this space and it is totally normal to need to discuss boundaries with even some regularity!

For something like this, I think the biggest thing is to get the tone right. Treat this as a perfectly reasonable discussion with a completely pleasant tone. (This can be a little bit like a tone you might use for customers in a customer service/retail position, if that helps at all.) Treating this as a big, scary thing will make it feel like a big, scary thing. Treating this as something that isn’t a big deal will make it an easier discussion to have.

Try to bring it up in person sometime, in a cheerful tone, specifically as something you’d like to discuss to set boundaries for both of you.

Hey, [flatemate], I was hoping we could talk about boundaries and stuff for our place sometime soon! Nothing terrible or scary, just wanna make sure we’re on the same page and all that. Do you have some time tonight/tomorrow/[insert whatever time]?

Something else to bring up is possibly having semi-regular meetings to touch base. Having them happen at an expected time and date can take a lot of the anxiety out of it. At your first meeting, ask if you two could maybe touch base every two weeks to make sure everyone is on top of things.

When the actual first meeting happens, whether it’s that evening or at a later date, bringing things up in a specific way can be very helpful. I suggest trying to phrase things as your preferences/needs rather than as something your flatmate is doing wrong; it comes across less accusatory while still establishing boundaries.

[Flatmate], a little while ago, you used my expensive shampoo and I’m sure you meant nothing by it, but I need my shampoo to only be used by me because it’s expensive, y’know? I’d really appreciate it.

[Flatmate], I actually really enjoy having my privacy. I don’t think you mean anything by it, but I get uncomfortable with people coming in and out of my room at will because it’s my personal space. If you could make sure you waited until I give you permission to enter, it would really help me feel more comfortable.

[Flatmate], is there anything I could do to make you more comfortable? I want us to have a way to talk about stuff like this and I know your anxiety can make it difficult sometimes. Maybe we could meet every two weeks on [specific weekday] just to touch base? Keep it nice and chill?

Also making sure to give your flatmate the benefit of the doubt by saying something like, “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it” can be a very good gesture to show that you’re not accusing or criticizing, you’re just trying to communicate. I hope that helps, anon!

Hello anon! Fortunately, this can be a pretty low-key conversation and not too stressful. 

The only real difference is on how you’re contacting them. If it’s over text or email or similar, you can simply write out something like this:

Hi! I know it’s been a while, sorry about that. Been kinda busy with [insert possible explanation if applicable]. Anyways, I was wondering how you were! How did [insert life event] go?

This keeps it nice and chill while also opening up the conversation for some chatting. If, instead, you’re calling them and leaving a voicemail, something short and simple helps.

Hi, it’s [name]! It’s been a while since we last talked and I wanted to catch up with you. Call me when you get the chance! I’m free [insert when you’re free], if that helps at all! Talk to you soon!

Mentioning when they can probably get ahold of you helps so that you don’t end up playing phone tag and missing each other’s calls, but it’s not required.

The first script is also applicable for if you’re contacting them in-person (like at a class or workplace, etc). 

Hope that helps!

We’ve done a few different online-focused scripts as well as in-person ones! Send it in and hopefully we can help!

Anon, I’m gonna level with you. This is sometimes awkward even for completely neurotypical, non-anxious people. Social anxiety makes it more difficult for you and I wouldn’t try to pretend otherwise, but sometimes it helps to remember that the neurotypical folks even struggle with this sometimes. (I know it makes me feel less like a glaring outlier, y’know?)

That being said, there are ways to smooth it over a little bit. This is going to assume that you’ve maybe chatted at least a little bit with the people you want to hang out with. (Asking near-strangers to hang out is very difficult in general.) 

The method I find works best is to latch onto a similar interest and sneak it into the conversation there. The more you’ve chatted with someone, the more direct you can be, typically. I’ll list some examples below.

Ugh, work, right? [Customer] was so awful! I thought I was going to just evaporate from stress, y’know? [they maybe respond] I could go for something more relaxing. Wanna grab a beer/snack/etc with me?

Oh, you like [fave tv show] too? I loved [particular episode, particular character, etc]. We should get together sometime and watch a few episodes.

Hey, I remember you liked [specific band, whatever you have in common] when we last talked about them. I’ve got a stream of their most recent concert on my account online. You wanna come over some time to watch with me? I can give you my number, if you like.

Oh man, we have such fun conversations about [interest/hobby/etc] together. We should hang out sometime! Wanna exchange numbers?

Part of the key here is to keep things low-pressure. The first example is asking to hang out that day, but it also does so in a low-key way that makes the encounter casual. People who work together or share a class together often get something to eat or drink if they have free time, so it’s a casual way to hang out.

The second example helps you feel out how they would feel about hanging out better. It leaves the topic sort of open-ended so that they can respond however they like. If they sort of shrug or don’t say much in reply, they might not be interested in hanging out with you later. But if they agree, you can proceed to ask if they want to exchange numbers.

The third example is more familiar than the first two, since it’s explicitly an invitation to come to your home. Something like “let’s watch this thing together” is still fairly low-key. Don’t try to pull out something big like, “I bought us these expensive tickets to this concert!” That comes on very strong and slightly creepy if you’ve never hung out before. Keep it to something that you wouldn’t be investing a ton of money into; that keeps it casual. By offering to simply give them your phone number, you’re also allowing them the option of initiating the event themselves. If they offer you their number in return, that’s a very good sign! Even if they don’t, they still might contact you later.

The fourth example is a good, very basic script to use in general. It’s simply an offer to hang out “sometime.” This keeps it casual and allows them to respond in a chill way.

In general, keeping the offer casual and not too time specific is good way to go. 

The thing to keep in mind is that, if the other person doesn’t get around to actually hanging out with you and keeps having excuses or things keep “coming up” for them, they’re usually hinting that they don’t want to hang out with you but don’t want to hurt your feelings. You can offer a few times, I think, before it starts to feel pushy. At that point, don’t really bring it up anymore. If the person changes their mind and wants to hang out with you, they’ll remember your standing offer and come to you themselves. 

Allowing them this sort of space to say no gracefully makes people much mroe comfortable saying “yes” because they see that you’re trying to be respectful and not pushy about it.

Hopefully that helps!