#mlxdc

Duke squinted suspiciously at the man on the ground below him. You would think that he shouldn’t be squinting at a man in an EMT uniform who was wrapping a shock blanket around someone, kneeling in front of them and talking in a pleasant, kind tone. However, you have not considered that the person he was squinting at was literally the closest thing this world had to the personification of evil.

And, on top of that, he was just kind of an asshole.

Equally heinous crimes.

After what felt like an hour (because it was one), the family was sent to the hospital, and Adrien glanced down at his watch. He waved for his coworkers to go on without him, since his shift was already over, and his house was closer to where they were than the hospital.

Someone promised to give him until the end of the hour so he could get a couple of extra dollars, and Adrien flashed a thumbs up.

Gasp. He was possibly even claiming false overtime! That fiend!

This crime was, admittedly, understandable in this economic environment, but still! A crime!

He dropped down behind him, a vigilante intent on bringing an end to his evildoing ways, and Adrien’s shoulders slowly slumped. He stood there for a moment, visibly deflated, and then he brightened up again, spinning around and clapping his hands together.

“Signal! How awesome of you to show up at my job! I’ve been hard at work, you know, helping out society as a whole –.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were an EMT when I asked about your medical experience?”

“It was funnier not to.”

Duke spluttered. “Really?!”

“I mean, yeah. It’d probably be funnier if I could see more of your face but, you know, c’est la vie.”

Duke had forgotten just how annoying Adrien was. Which was saying a lot. He had thought that the man(?) was irritating even before. He was exceeding expectations. An overachiever.

Wait, no, that is a terrible trait to assign to a god of destruction. Duke has decided that Adrien is actually… not that. Something else. Nailed it.

“Your sense of humor is… interesting,” Duke said, eventually.

“Thanks! It was developed thanks to the years of physical and psychological torture!”

Duke squinted at Adrien’s face. He wasn’t able to tell whether he was joking or not. Mostly because, on top of his signature sunglasses, he was currently wearing a surgical mask. It didn’t leave much to analyze.

Not that he was easy to analyze even when his entire face was shown, considering the near-perpetual cheeriness that he assumed was more due to insanity than actual happiness.

Eventually, he decided to ignore that glaring red flag. Ignoring everything the blond said was generally better for his mental health, anyway.

“I will be taking you to the Batcave so we can run some tests. Are you going to come with me willingly, or do I have to knock you out?”

Adrien snickered. “I don’t think you understand who has more power here. Literally. Like, you couldn’t hurt me if you tried.”

Duke grimaced, his mind wandering to the fire that Adrien had walked through like it wasn’t there – actually, worse, the fire seemed to like him, for lack of a better word. It had behaved like a bunch of needy children, pulling at his clothes for attention.

“Don’t remind me.”

“I mean, I can pretend, if you need me to,” Adrien said, surprisingly earnest. “Like, if you want to punch me I’ll fall over and lay there and stuff.”

“… I’d appreciate that, thank you.”

+++

There was a god of destruction in a cave full of bats.

Not the Bats. Duke’s furry family members would not be awake for another few hours. They would not be happy about the ‘security risk’ that was bringing Adrien here, so Duke was determined to get this over with as fast as was physically possible.

Couldn’t get mad at him if they didn’t know he’d done it!

Adrien watched on curiously as Duke toyed with a machine. “Have you guys made lightsabers yet?”

“You know Star Wars?” Duke asked.

He should probably answer the god, because he was a god and if anyone could find a way to kill Duke despite his apparent immortality it was probably him, but the guy had shown himself to not be much of a threat so far. Like, sure, he was terrifying, which was the reason Duke had brought him here in the first place, but there was this… air around him.

He didn’t take things seriously. Which made it hard to take him seriously.

As if to prove his point, Adrien huffed a laugh and waved him off. “Duh. Who hasn’t?”

“Losers,” said Duke, thinking of Damian. Sure, the kid kind of got a pass on account of having his childhood stolen from him by the League, but also no he didn’t.

Adrien nodded, sagely. “Losers,” he agreed. Truly, the years had made him wise.

Finally, Duke finished setting things up. He turned to Adrien.

“Alright, what this device does is shoot water at approximately 60,000 psi –...” The god sent him a blank look. “– really fucking fast. And, since speed, kinda, equals force, this can do a lot of damage.”

“... I’m sorry, we’re talking about water, right?”

“We’re talking about the sharpest thing humans have created up to this point.”

“Like… the thing that goes woosh-woosh?” He made a motion with his hands, like a person riding a wave, trying to get his point across as clearly as possible. “Am I misunderstanding or something? Did you just go insane? I know that happens a lot around me, for some reason, but you seem pretty –.”

Duke pointed the device at a nearby safety railing and turned it on. The water cut through the metal like it was butter.

The boy’s eyes gleamed. He sighed dreamily, looking, for lack of a better word, as if he had fallen in love. “I think I get what she means when she says human inventions are… marvelous.”

Should Duke question who ‘she’ was? Probably.

However, he had more pertinent thoughts, like ew.

“I’d make a joke about leaving you two alone, but I don’t want people to die.”

If possible, the god looked even more delighted by this sentence. “It can kill people? Can I kill someone with it?”

The god of destruction was making fucking grabby hands.

“No.”

“Boo, whore.”

Duke did not know how to respond to that.

And then he realized he didn’t have to. Joyous day!

He turned to point the device at Adrien. “May I try?”

“Oh, sure,” Adrien said.

“Stick your hand out for me? I don’t want to accidentally kill you just because you thought it wouldn’t work.”

He grinned and waved him off as if Duke was talking about a mosquito bite instead of murder. “Ah, don’t worry, I’ve lived long enough, I think.”

“Can’t you take anything seriously?” Duke almost begged.

The way amusement played across the god’s lips did not bode well for that particular hope. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you are quite possibly a world-ending threat, maybe?”

Adrien looked offended. “I would never!”

“Buddy, your title is literally ‘the god of destruction’.”

Adrien opened his mouth, and then it snapped closed. He had been swayed by Duke’s argument, it seemed. Or, at least, he was thinking hard about how he would refute it.

He couldn’t have been thinking that hard, though, because his response was not the kind that felt well thought out and profound:

“But that would be boring.”

Duke sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Right. This was the guy that didn’t take anything seriously. Maybe he should just shoot him in the chest, possible risk of homicide be damned.

He decided against it. Instead, he shot the man in the foot.

His shoe tore open.

Adrien didn’t even blink. He merely pouted and pulled the shoe off. His sock was pure white, no blood to be found.

“Man, you owe me a new pair of shoes.”

Duke thought he had bigger problems.

Looks like he was going to get in trouble with his family after all. If he wanted to figure out how to kill this god, it would be good to get the help of people who were far more experienced with gods and contingencies than him.

Like Bruce.

… nah. Nevermind. He’d settle for the other batkids.

He pulled out his phone and got to work hacking their alarms.

+++

Adrien sat in a plastic folding chair, his chin resting on the top of it, watching the bats bicker. His amusement had long since bled out of him as the hours dragged on. Now, save for the unlit cigarette hanging half out his mouth precariously, he looked remarkably like a kid who had been dragged to a party by their mom and was about to make it everyone else’s problem.

You would think an immortal who has lived longer than a person could ever truly conceptualize would be more patient, but apparently not.

“There has to be a way,” said Damian. “I have not yet found a being that could not be killed.”

“Isn’t Wonder Woman indestructible?” Adrien asked.

“No, she is somewhat vulnerable to piercing attacks. I believe it is due to her antagonistic relationship with Ares.”

Adrien made a thoughtful sound, looking very much like he was filing that information away for later.

Duke kicked Damian in the shin. “Don’t tell the God of Destruction how to kill Wonder Woman, please.”

Adrien gave a little huff of annoyance and pulled the cigarette from his mouth, twirling it idly between his fingers. No one knew where they had gotten the cigarette, frankly, Duke had made him empty his pockets before coming in and there was no way any of the bats would give one to him. But this was something they didn’t want to think about right now.

Because there are more important things to think about! Obviously! Not because they’re scared!

Please ignore Tim having a breakdown in the corner.

The god groaned and slumped further in his chair. He didn’t want to be here any more than Tim did.

Admittedly, it was normal not to want to be around people discussing how best to kill you, but Adrien’s problem with the situation clearly wasn’t the discussion itself, but instead how long it was taking.

How could Duke be so certain about another person’s thought process, you may ask?

Well, because Adrien had bemoaned all of this. Several times. At length.

While actively being stabbed by a frustrated Stephanie Brown.

Or, at least, Steph was trying to stab him. It was equivalent to trying to stab a fridge, the knife glancing off of him despite her best efforts. His only concern at the moment was about the state of his shirt.

She, too, must have cared about the holes she was slashing into his clothes, because she gave a high scream of frustration and then tossed the knife into the nearby abyss. No one wants to accidentally disrobe a god, after all.

Do gods have…?

Would it still work…?

Duke doesn’t need to know!

“Maybe it’s only his skin that’s invulnerable,” Jason said.

Out of all of the bats, he was the most relaxed about all of this. Maybe his dying and coming back made him and the God of Destruction kindred spirits.

Or maybe he was just amused by how stressed out everyone was. The chances were about 50/50.

“Like that one Greek myth. If you can get a knife between his teeth you can kill him.”

“Noooo don’t go shoving things down my throat you’re too sexy,” Adrien deadpanned.

“Will it kill you?” said Tim, his tone bordering on desperation.

Adrien raised an eyebrow. The cigarette in his hand began to smoke, flames licking at the paper. Before they could even react to the fucking fire, he shoved the burning lump of chemicals down his throat.

They could do nothing but stare on in horror as he swallowed it.

Okay, well, that answers that.

Another, new cigarette appeared in his hand.

That answers their other question! They are getting so many answers right now! What a win!

Please, if something up there likes him, he is begging that he doesn’t get an answer to the ‘do gods have penises’ question anytime soon. Or ever, if he can help it, but he would take a compromise! He is very agreeable and nice! Do not spring a god’s dick on him anytime soon, please schedule a time and date with him! Thank you!

Duke is going to have a mental breakdown.

Someone needs to distract him with something stupid before that happens because he hasn’t yet scheduled a time and date for a breakdown, either.

“It won’t kill me. It’s just against my boundaries,” Adrien said, as if it made all the sense in the world.

Duke stared at him. He had asked for something to distract himself, he supposed, this one was on him, but that was just… “Why?”

Adrien shrugged. “Unresolved trauma.”

“Oh, if the immortal has unresolved trauma, we’re all doomed,” Steph groaned.

“I mean, I have eternity to figure it out.”

“You’ve already had an inconceivable amount of time to change. At this point, if you haven’t done it already, will you ever?” Tim asked.

Damn. Deep-cutting words from the guy only one step above hyperventilating.

This wasn’t helped when Adrien lopped his arms over the boy’s shoulders from behind, resting his chin atop his head delicately. The touch was light, barely there, Tim didn’t show any kind of strain at trying to keep his weight aloft, and yet...

Everyone jolted. No one had seen the god move.

And there was a clear threat in the way he smiled. He slumped against Tim’s back, dropping his weight onto the boy. And more. Because there was no reason why a man – who was, though much taller than average, but lanky in a starved way – should weigh enough that Tim’s knees began to buckle instantly.

“Do you think that you could ever get over your own death?” Adrien asked.

“I – I thought you couldn’t –.”

“Oh, I am unable to die now. It was not always that way.” Adrien laughed, but he was lacking its usual playfulness. The god had always been so relaxed, unphased, that the genuine coldness hidden beneath his expression froze Duke in place. “Tell me, little human, how do gods come to be?”

Tim fell to his knees, only barely catching himself before he could slam his face into the ground.

Adrien stood over him.

“It happens when someone is destroyed. Every cell systematically broken over and over again until they’re eventually strong enough to withstand it. Every thought, every memory, everything that could have made you human, deleted. I don’t even remember my name – or if I had one at all. You can say it’s worth it, for immortality, but it was not. Nothing is worth that.”

He stepped around Tim. His gaze lifted, to look at the rest of the bats.

He was bored.

And then, a smile abruptly made its way across his face, his face lighting up in that same old amusement. It no longer felt entirely true.

“Anyways!” Adrien said, clapping his hands beside his head.  “Guys, if the god of creation couldn’t figure out how to kill me, you sure as hell can’t.”

“There’s another one of you out there?!”

Adrien tipped his head back in a laugh. You wouldn’t think that a laugh could be threatening, but you would be wrong.

“There is! And, between you and me, I’m not the one you should be more scared of.”

+++

Well, that was enough traumatizing events for the night. Duke was taking the god home.

He waved him off from across the street – Adrien had stressed that he didn’t want his roommate to see any of them – and watched as the god started trying to break his own window lock. Why he didn’t just go in the front door was beyond Duke. Maybe he was just incapable of doing anything remotely normal. Maybe he had forgotten his keys somewhere. Maybe he had just seen an excuse to break something and jumped at the opportunity.

God only knows.

Or, at least, this god only knows.

This god does not, however, know what is about to happen to him next.

Hands grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him inside before he had even fully managed to open it. His shriek of surprise could be heard even from across the street. He knocked his head against the window on the way in, the glass rattling in its frame from the sheer force of it all.

… Duke knew that the god couldn’t die, knew it all too well, but he still tuned into the conversation he was having to make sure that his roommate wasn’t about to kill him. Habit, he supposed.

Regardless, the fear was unwarranted, because Adrien was being dragged in for a hug.

The back of his shirt, already ruined by Steph, was bunched up with how tight she held onto him.

He didn’t seem all that surprised by this part, at least, returning her hold without the slightest bit of hesitation.

“Shit, man, I thought – I thought you were kidnapped or something!”

“I was.”

Her mouth dropped open in pure, unadulterated shock and horror.

“You know I can’t be hurt,” Adrien reminded her, smiling in a way that could only ever be seen as fond. It was a soft expression, surprisingly genuine on the god. “I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t matter!”

Aw, that’s kind of cute, Duke thought.

“You know I’m the only one that’s allowed to kill you,” she sniffled.

Nevermind.

“I know, I know. But if they’d found a way to hurt me, I would have reported it back to you as soon as possible!”

“Promise?”

“Of course,” he said.

She was quiet for a few moments before drawing back. “You’re too reckless.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not okay.”

Adrien huffed a laugh.

He finally let her go, craning his neck idly. It was a surprisingly normal, human gesture, and yet… it felt wrong on the god. There was something decidedly fake about it. Like he was doing it more because it was something he saw actual people do, not because his neck genuinely ached. “I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Thank god,” she said immediately, stepping around him with ease, finally giving Duke his first good look at Adrien’s fabled roommate.

Marinette Plethora. A student at the community college in Gotham. One who, by all accounts, didn’t exist. She had a few necessary papers, just enough that her existence wouldn’t be questioned in Gotham (which meant… basically a birth certificate, most places in Gotham did not care in the slightest if you actually existed, so long as you could become a cog in the corporate machine and/or give them money), but other than that she simply was not a real person.

Not that that was all that surprising, considering where they were.

The woman was wearing a green face mask, the rapidly-drying clay coating her skin making it easy to see the tiny wrinkles in her forehead. She wore an oversized shirt (it was clearly Adrien’s, based on the size, but it was anyone’s guess as to whether she had opted for it because she was missing him or because she was being petty over his disappearance) and, hopefully, a set of short-shorts.

She started to walk away, but was soon pulled back towards Adrien, the god giving her a Cheshire-like grin.

“Forgetting something?” he teased.

She gave him a flat look.

Adrien simply continued to grin at her, content, unnaturally still.

After a solid few minutes, she gave in and stood on tip-toes to give him a kiss on the forehead.

“I hate you and everything you stand for,” she grumbled.

He snorted. “I love you, too,” he responded, as if the two sentences were at all the same.

She rolled her eyes and walked over to the window, checking it over with a bored expression. “Thank god I didn’t break this on your giant fucking head, huh?”

Adrien gave a scoff, lifting a hand briefly to flip her off as he headed further into the apartment, assumedly so he could get that shower he wanted.

In the moment where his back was turned, her lips started to tug upwards into a kind of smile.

And then, when her clay mask tugged at her skin with the change in expression, she yelped and immediately started rushing after him. “Wait! Let me shower first! I need to wash this off!”

“Nooooo! You’re gonna take forever! I want some hot water for once!”

“I’m going to break out!”

“Sucks to suck!”

Duke heard the sound of fabric shuffling and someone hitting the floor (Adrien, if the little ‘oof’ sound he made meant anything) and decided he had had enough for the day.

It was getting late. His shift was over. Time for bed.

+++

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