#mind work

Yep. Rocks I pick up when I walked last year. Now collected into a pretty jar and doing pretty jar things.

I woke up from a nap and should be feeling great. Instead I woke up sad, and kinda grumpy.

The thought of the day that I would like to pull at is: being fat has been a coping mechanism so that I can be invisible to people.

Initially I wanted to say that I think I got fat because it kept me invisible from men. specifically, men. As I grew into lesbian relationships and extreme long-term partners, I think it also kept me invisible from other women. People weren't hitting on me all the time.

Now, a lot of this stuff has some really deep seated, family of origin-religious trauma stuff associated with it, so buckle up.

I'll be dealing with that on a different day I am sure. Right now, I am trying to get my thoughts out of my f****** head so that I can go back to work and work the last 2 hours of my day [before I have company this weekend. Surprise!]

So this invisibility cloak that I've been wearing for 20-25 years: I want to take it off.

I know that I want to take it off.

Yet when I get to a certain point, it feels like it's sticking. It is going so slowly, and I have also been rebounding- which I do not want at all.

I was recently down to 229, and as of today, I'm back up to 240. I am so frustrated with frustrated with myself.

What is going on? I keep running for snacks I know I shouldn't be having. I get this urge to eat when I shouldn't really be hungry.

I should be well nourished within a decent calorie range. My protein is higher than most I would guess.

So I need to figure out my mental state & what is stopping me.

I woke up from my nap kinda grumpy. My thought was if I am going to be invisible then I am going to be invisible and free. I love my girl but we don't have sex at all....and that is very confusing. I thought I was super hot for a bigger gal and I just don't get it. And let's be honest, she hasn't been invited to the party because a girl can only handle so much rejection. So that is a conversation I will have to be having, fuck.

I have always struggled with being invisible to people I wanted to date. But I am literally wearing an invisibility cloak. Why?

Take it off! Who cares? No one! Just take it off. No one gives a shit. You deserve the love you are giving to everyone one. Love yourself first!

You are not going to turn into a fucking sinner but losing weight. You still have the ability to say no and can utilize that. You can say no to everyone if you feel like it.

You never have to date again if you don't want to!

You are not required to date. Or get partnered again.

Or do anything.

But do this one thing for you.

Just for you. Doesn't matter the reason why you want to do it. It is ok if it is vanity. There are worse reasons. AND news flash- you are allowed to take pride in your appearance!

"Mind Surfing," by Hans Ostrom (Lyrics), and The Wild Plumbers