#millinial

A Culturally Safe™ List of What to Avoid So You Can Be a Hero.

Hey Heros.

Did you feel that watching the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight was just supporting a homophobe and a woman beater get rich? Were you offended how people celebrated the career of David Letterman because he cheated and fondled interns? Are you uncomfortable at the mere mention of any off color joke? Did you just cringe when I used the term ‘off color’ not knowing if there were any racial aspects to the history of that sentence?

Well then you are not alone. A whole generation is thriving right now ready to make right all the past wrongs of every generation before them. (Take that Grandpa! Kill Hitler yeah… but ignore human rights for minorities and women does not a ‘greatest generation’ make)

Before I begin, let me congratulate you for being born around 20 years ago! That mere act carries a great deal of responsibility, doesn’t it? Let me guess. You were but an innocent child in grade school frozen in horror as a 24 hour play by play of 9/11 unfolded before your young eyes. Yes – your parents failed – and now activism is resting squarely on your shoulders and it’s up to you to make sure 9/11 never happens again. ONE BLOG AT A TIME!

But how can YOU avoid hypocrisy? How can you make sure that you have properly branded and marketed yourself responsibly - as opposed to just the apparent reason of satisfying your ego?

First. Be insufferable. Make sure you surround yourself with like minded people at all times. This way you will never have to deal with anyone challenging your ideology. This will also save you from having to defend your opinions or grow as a …ugh… human being (gross)!

Second. Don’t be a white male with a beard. Even if you’re a white male with a beard you have to do everything in your power to let everyone know you are NOT actually a white male with a beard, but instead - a self identified beautiful black woman with the soul of a gay trans wolf! This way people will look past the superficiality of who you actually are - and see you for who you’re pretending to not actually be.

Third. Only surround yourself with the Culturally Safe™ - things that have not been touched by any of the failings of humanity that infect MOST culture (the white one). The influences that shape your identity have to be perfect. Especially the apparent imperfect ones.

For instance, it is not OK to slut shame a woman for having lots of sex for money, rent, or attention - UNLESS she is considered ‘TV pretty’. Then she’s just feeding into the Patriarchy. What’s Patriarchy you ask? It’s that word you’ll be using a lot from now on to justify vandalizing urinals and overall behaving and dressing like an 8th grade boy.

But what exactly is Culturally Safe™? Like GMO free foods its hard to know what’s acceptable to endorse when there’s no label telling you what you're allowed to have faith in. Without labels how can you stand upon a pedestal while pretending to be above judging others?

Without labels, how can you live by the mantra “This (insert anything that conflicts with your world view) is part of the problem!”?

To help you in this endeavor I’ve included a list of things that are deemed not Culturally Safe™. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!

Sports: Super easy. Nothing screams Patriarchy like competition. Even the Olympics - long held as a cultural bastion of one world understanding - has produced handicapped wife murderers. Not to mention only the rich countries win. Football, Baseball, Basketball - Each bench doubles as a police line up of spousal abusers, murderers, gamblers, and drug dealers. If you HAVE to support a sport - you get soccer, but ONLY if you pronounce it “Futbol” as if you were providing medicine to a third world country and only if its being played by third world teams.  

Music: Oh you like music you say? Got your festival wardrobe ready for the summer? Sorry, but music is definitely NOT Culturally Safe™. Did you think Chris Brown beating Rhianna was a big deal? Then say goodbye to these monsters too.

- The Beatles: John Lennon was a rageaholic wife beater who abandoned his son. The rest are guilty by association for allowing such a person to be a part of their little hate group.

- Elvis Costello: called Ray Charles the N-Word AND NOT IN A SUAVE BRITISH WAY.

- Bob Marley: Half White. GROSS. Serial Adulterer. Not as gross, but still not ‘irie’.

- Elvis Presley: Child Fucker.

- Jerry Lee Lewis: Child Lover.

- Led Zeppelin: Jimmy Page stole a 14 year old girl and held her hostage as his sex slave. Also that Coverdale Page Album - WOOF! Rest of the band is guilty by association though they are probably just as evil.

- Rap: For a few decades we have given Rap a pass to help make up for 400 years, but now we have to hold Hip Hop accountable for celebrating violence, exploiting women, and any 90’s PSA trying to reach ‘the youth’.

- Heavy Rock: Same thing as Rap, but without the history of slavery. All the violence and exploitation, without any shred of White Guilt? NOT ON OUR WATCH!

- Any act or band influenced by any of the above.

Just avoid music all together. If you have to listen to something, try either the sound of your own voice being offended - or whatever nature sounds to pan flutes NPR is pretending to be music on that particular day.

Books. Did you think literature is safe? No way. Sure we can point out how William Burroughs shot his wife or how abusive and elitist Virginia Woolf was towards her SERVANTS. Yeah… I KNOW! We can mention animal murdering Ernest Hemingway or ‘way to liberal with the N-Word’ Mark Twain. I can even point out the long history of white pages keeping black words in bondage. Instead I’ll just point you towards the fact that Hitler wrote a book and you can’t celebrate any medium that would immortalize the words of the most evil white male ever.

Art: Art can never be defined unless you like it and think it’s art. Then compare everything else to it as “not art”. Drink plenty of Wine. In fact - avoid Art completely. Hitler was an artist. (See Books)

Movies: Say goodbye to all Wes Anderson movies for casting wife beater Bill Murray in a most of his films. This means you too Ghostbusters. Not to mention Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, anti-Semite Mel Gibson. Look up Roman Polanski too. All these people are in movies! What a vile celebratory medium. If you HAVE to watch something - documentaries or nothing at all. BUT only documentaries you already agree with. NOTHING that may change your world view. Those are clearly just edited propaganda toilet films.

TV: You are allowed to see The Wire. That’s it - and ONLY if you promise not to shut up about it.

Drugs: Can’t drink, smoke, or pop pills. Whole industry is strife with slavery, terrorism, domestic abuse and your Dad’s favorite albums.