whitecotton

Chris Rock knew it was coming and was right to take the hit. He saw Will approach, tucked his hands behind his back and took it like a pro. You tell the joke, you take the hit. It’s that simple.

Now I’m not advocating for violence here at all. I know most of the comics on my timeline are posting a lot of the new fears they have about being attacked. Let me assure you – none of the nine people at the vegan/laundromat/dog park show are ever going to approach you off – much less on stage. You’re very bad at this and a disappointment to everyone who loves you. May god have mercy on your soul.

What Will Smith did was wrong. Stupid, selfish, fake, tired, entitled, all of that and more, but what if it’s something else all together? Something not many of the people currently turning a profession into a hobby is willing to openly address?

What if we take entertainment way too seriously and need to admit that, perhaps, using the industrialization of the arts as a meat grinder for the soul - is unhealthy?

What if turning a core foundation of the humanities into a numbers game fed off manipulating people on both sides of an advertising model – is bad for art and poison for the ego?

Did I lose you at the word "art"?

Look, I can spend hours discussing what is and what isn’t art, but that’s not going to do anyone any good here so I’ll just say that I personally believe art is the pursuit of combining craft, discipline and personal expression and I think we can all agree - very, very, very gay.

I also believe it can be entertainment, but calling something art shouldn’t be used to cover up for poorly executed craft. Saying something is art isn’t a shield or deflection of merit, especially if there are well-established objective truths defining its craft.

Standup Comedy is an art, but it’s a low art. Really easy to fake, incredibly difficult to master.

You go into a comedy show expecting that anything can be said. That’s why it’s exciting. You go to a horror movie unsure of what new fears will express themselves. That’s why it’s exciting. You listen to aggressive music, expressing rage and acts of violence. That’s why it’s exciting. You watch a man in a Speedo jump off the top rope to elbow drop another half nude man pretending to be passed out because it’s exciting and again - art is very gay.

We love to be excited and getting any opportunity to live out the horrors of life without the worry of certain death is one of the foundations of modern entertainment.

The beauty of the craft is all the work that goes in to making you feel like you crossed a line without actually crossing any lines. You go on a roller coaster afraid, but you know deep down you'll be completely safe. It’s the agreement everyone has to make when they enter the showroom.

If either side fucks up their part, they get bounced out. Fair and fine. Its not a relaxing past time. It’s mostly all growing pains.

Standup Comedy isn’t supposed to be comfortable. It was created by Jews dealing with a goddamn holocaust. Put the pillows away.

Comfort kills creativity and breeds complacency. It’s why rich creatives seldom make great art and second albums are mostly garbage filler produced in the name of content. The Smith family understands this very well.

Content for the sake of content is not art. It’s manufacturing. And it’s being pushed hard by an industry that has no value for artists, only in molding personal expression into a numbers game. The industry uses artists the way Uber uses drivers to make them money while actively investing in finding a way to replace them with unpaid AI.

The fact that most of their drivers are failing entertainers is not lost on me.

Again - if you hate that I’m using the word “artist” here that’s fine. If you think another discussion about this is stupid, I get it. No one said you had to consider yourself an artist, but pretending to be doing a business that asks you to mold your personal expression to their profit driven standards - while making you pay for the privilege - seems like a grift?

I really think Entertainers have become the marks, but in a new fashion. Before the industry always insisted you had to go through them to get your success and they fucked you. We accepted that.

Now they sell you on your “independence” by forcing you to buy your way towards “success” on their data collecting platforms.

How many of you think you're working for yourself when you're really working for Spotify, iTunes, Instagram, YouTube and so on? Sure you can simulate independence on any of these platforms, but try not paying your property taxes and tell me who really owns your home?

The industry used you to create an attention economy.

If you want to make “it” in entertainment, you have to keep your name generating attention. “Generate content, stay known, buy ads, someone is right behind you waiting to take what you thought was yours.”

Book deals are my favorite. For some reason the only way the average American reader will pick up a book is if some mentally ill celebrity needs to sell their exploits.

Will Smith just released his a few months ago.

Was the whole thing staged? Sorta. Was it truly spontaneous? Kinda? Possibly some dumb shit from the past about the movie Head of State and them racing to be the first fake black president in a movie or whatever.

I don’t think the reality or the pageantry of it even matters. I think the underlying lesson here is we need to care less about entertainment and enjoy it as a frivolous fun thing not to be taken real, even when they play it seriously.

(You know, the way pro wrestling used to be before the world flipped and everything became pro wrestling - except wrestling?)

Something Dave Chappelle said in an interview years ago really stuck with me. “What is this business doing to otherwise strong minded people?”

Dave specifically focused on black artists like Martin Lawrence and Mariah Carey, how their individual meltdowns happened so publicly. The general public immediately wrote these people off as weak. The man who amplified and blew up on Def Jam, arguably the toughest and most demanding of audiences – the man who commanded that stage and is “currently running half naked in traffic with a pistol” – is just “weak”?

Maybe pushing the public towards simulating celebrity while watering down the standards of art to allow everyone to feel like a professional something, is unhealthy? Like smoking before Reagan.

For all it’s current therapy speak, industry doesn’t actually care. There’s nothing in place to address the actual mental health of the people it’s openly draining of. Only quick fixes and enablers to keep these deteriorating spirits afloat until they’re sucked dry and no longer interesting or even human to us.

Did the industry step in to help Martin at any point he started showing signs of a nervous breakdown? No, they stayed in their seats.

“Never mind the broken man behind the curtain. He’s famous. He’s rich. Probably a kook, wandering the streets with a pistol like that. Probably a black thing. Now please watch this white savior movie we keep making because white guilt print’s paper. How is Martin doing these days? Is it time to profit off his redemption story yet?”

The industry is doing what all industries do. I’m not complaining about a dog behaving as a dog. I pursued standup just because. Never needed a reason or had much use for myth building. I just really love the challenge and think the idea of working one hour a night saying stupid shit is a brilliant scam and I love sleeping in.

Some of you hate hearing that. I’m sorry I’ve never been into hopes and dreams. I didn’t have your childhood. I’m not bitter. I’m annoyed. You have to believe in yourself to be bitter and I find projecting false confidence to be utterly annoying.

I just want to relate to the people around me.

Yet more and more I feel myself closer to a feeling of disgust with every attention seeking entertainer I come across and I just can’t shake it. A lot of you are just absolute nightmares if not outright hucksters and its getting harder the more you test how far you can play make believe with other people’s actual values.

You all lie so much trying to present yourselves as the leading voice for others, while doing and absolving most of the shit you purport to be “against”.

I’m not saying to stop, I’m just saying everything was way better when we were all IN on the scam, like proper villains – instead of what this thing has evolved into.

Car salesmen trying to sell their merch to other car salesmen.

The audience needs to be reminded who is entertaining them. Needy self-involved rich kids who can afford to appear like professionals - and the poor idiots in the trenches desperately trying to be seen as one of them.

At the time I heard that Chappelle interview, I was noticing so many of my friends move to New York and LA at the behest of the Industry – only to come back and visit as completely different people.

I mean empty shells, man. Just plaster with no walls or foundation. I’m positive most of you have noticed it too.

We don’t say anything to them, do we? Maybe a “You’ve changed!” followed by a sarcastic head shake.

I think we don’t sincerely approach this topic because we might be too nice and overly cautious. No one wants to sound too certain about anything because most of communication has become weaponized by an incredibly greedy attention seeking culture.

And even the people fighting against that are still succumbing to the trappings of self-importance. They consider themselves “on the front lines of the culture wars”, building an audience on the same media model they purport to rally against.

Morning Zoo Radio Hacks selling your values truly believe they’re free to say whatever they want with unyielding importunity. They genuinely believe they own their own business.

Again - Don’t pay your property taxes and see who really owns your home.

Its hard to even address this because we love supporting underdogs so much while believing we will also rise to the top. It’s how they found a way to sell us our own dreams.

The industry constantly pushes the rags to riches narrative, but if quarantine taught me anything - it showed me just how many rich kids and legacy acts have a stranglehold on all things media.

“You have to put in the work and really want it!” - a drug dealer

Maybe this is why the word “art” is so discouraged and heavily burdened with the accusation of pretension?

Maybe raising an entire generation on another generation’s nostalgia is turning the arts into something lesser?

Maybe this is why every movie is a reboot written by people drawing their work from other scenes from other movies, because their entire lives were so saturated in media – they forgot to experience real life themselves?

Or maybe we don’t want to seem like old people, the outdated “square” at the hip circle-jerk for thinking the Smith family is fucking weird and unsettling.

I’m sorry Will, but your whole family is weird and unsettling. I get bummed out every time your fevered egos try to hold us hostage.

I’m sure it’s not for me and you’d tell me to mind my own business, but goddamn do you seem to DEMAND it to be everyone’s fucking business all the time!

You made a talk show out of your personal sex life and marriage and now you demand people to keep your wife’s name out their mouths?

Bitch YOU.. maybe YOU need to keep your wife’s name outa YOUR mouth. No one owes you their fucking time so stop demanding it.

You.

I know way too much about your wife’s pussy from YOU, “Prince.”

And maybe that’s why Will had to step up and slap the funny joke man.

You see, you’re not just insulting the woman that lets him watch her fuck, you’re fucking up Will Smith’s money. His wife is an extension of HIS brand.

Everyone in the Smith household is a product. They all put their lives for sale one emancipated child at a time. All for the entertainment business. That’s not love, that’s a mental illness.

That’s entertainment.

Its ugly disguised as beautiful and breaks even the strongest of minds. Dave was right about this shit and no one wants to really address it because it means taking some responsibility.

Will Smith was a fucking smart, engineering rich kid who was plucked by Quincy Jones under the same model that tricked out Michael Jackson and many more. He had charisma for days and – from an obviously shitty industry point of view – could sell “black” to boring white people who wanted to feel good about themselves in the 90’s. He’s a true fucking talent and in many ways an underrated artist with an incredible body of entertaining distractions.

But so what?

I mean really – fuck Will Smith. Fuck actors. Fuck musicians. Fuck comics. It’s just fucking art. It’s frivolous even when it’s desperate to be seen as important.

Again – I’m sorry you’re whole family is fucking weird, I can’t shake how uncomfortable y’all make me. Fuck anyone for judging anyone, myself included, but those kids are weird and Jada is like some strange mix of Kanye West meets Eartha Kitt.

Do you realize ALL THE STUPID REAL SHIT ABOUT the Smith family Rock had to cross off in his head in that moment?!

Settling on a 1990’s Demi Moore flop was an act of comedic compassion. Chris Rock wasn’t surprised to be slapped, he was shocked because it wasn’t for the hundreds of things he chose not to say out of respect to THEM lol

Personally, I’m more pissed he went with GI Jane when Enemy Mine was RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE.

(composes self)

In the movie Independence Day, Will and an alien invader both crash to the ground after a vicious battle in the air. He climbs onto the craft to investigate and the moment he’s confronted with this horrific alien monster, he punches it in the face and yells “Welcome to Earth!”

That’s also the name of his new travel show for Disney Plus. An obvious grab for content creation bartering on Will’s charisma as he explores his business options in a broadening new medium.

I haven’t watched one episode, but I imagine the entire show is about regular people trying to de-celebrity Will back into a human being, instead of this Hollywood whore, pimping his family to the highest bidding media outlets.

My hats off to Chris Rock for taking the hit. He’s a pro and knows a new hour when he sees it. I can’t wait to see it. Probably gonna call it Taken’ the Hits. Bo Burnham will direct and it will be staged in the gymnasium of his old white High School.

It’s gonna be great business for Netflix, earn awards and everyone who clapped and supported Smith’s attack, will praise Rock’s resilience and artistry.

“HOW THE FUCK IS RICKY GERVAIS STILL ALIVE?!

HOWWWW THE FUUUUUCK IS RICKY GERVAIS….(STOMP) STILL (STOMP) A (STOMP) ….LIVE?

(softer, but more thoughtful) How is that man, Ricky, still alive, folks?

If you got a British accent you can say whatever the fuck you want to White America!

(Over exaggerated smile)

If… (insert recently disgraced celebrity) said that shit with an English, accent he’d be…”

(Five minute act out of Will Smith slapping Rock like an English butler, maybe dueling with the guns from MIB, I dunno, I’m too high to be writing this bullshit)

What I’m saying is Chris Rock is going to bounce back from this and certainly doesn’t need me defending him.

He needed that from the hundreds of millionaires pretending to be superheroes, who – for whatever reason – always seem to stay seated whenever real shit goes down.

They all sat in their soft chairs, half cheering undecidedly while the other half called their agents to get advice on which after party charity will benefit their career.

Who knows, maybe they’re all right? Pretending to care about things publicly pays a lot in an attention economy. Maybe alopecia needs a celebrity spokesperson?

And maybe that’s his redemption story.

I used to play this terrible game with some monstrous friends at karaoke shows. It was all based on how Michael Jackson died at the right time and if he molested just one more kid we’d be screwed out of decades of music and nostalgia.

We’d then apply other artists to this molestation scale. Like if MJ set the standard at say 7 known kids we’re pretty sure he finger banged, how many could say Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler get away with?

Turns out - it’s one. One for sure, but I’m pretty sure there would have to be at least three before we as a society are willing to let go of Dream On or Bruce Willis’s meteor sacrifice.

Bob Dylan? So hard. Old white NPR people would blame the motorcycle accident and give up everything after to protect his earlier legacy, but comparing Michael Jackson to Bob Dylan’s importance? He’s got to be able to molest as many - if not three more kids - than the King of Pop, right? I mean Jewish or not, he is still white so that has to give him the edge over Jacko in what he can get away with.

Anyhoo

Comics have been acting like comedy has been bringing “truth to power!” and patting themselves on the back, but thirty years of Michael Jackson jokes couldn’t do what one documentary has done.

Proving if you really want any justice these days, you need to first invest in some production value and an editor who knows how to make criminal acts look especially bad.

The reactions are pouring in and people are very conflicted. Many questioning whether or not it’s ok to like an artist because of their lurid personal life.

Look, can we come to a consensus on just one thing?

Human beings have been giant flesh bags of hot garbage since the very beginning of our upright existence. We started out so bad, we’re not even sure of what are real beginnings were actually like.

And its not even people that are the worst either. Look at life itself.

Nature is gruesome and horrifying! Every nature documentary is inherently a horror movie missing the scary cello mood music. If you knew how much ducks gang-raped in real life you would burn any remanence of all those duck-themed shows from the 90’s.

Even the creation of space and time was the result of a destructive explosion that shit us out into the nothingness of space.

Disagree? Thinks humans are great? Cool. Keep in mind a lot of people watched a movie about a guy who sexually abused children and their first thought was “Can I still grab my dick and effeminately scream ‘ohhhhh’ whenever it gets super windy? Because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t do that!”

To me anytime a person does something exceptional - THAT should be the thing that is celebrated. Like “Wow, you overcame being a piece of shit and had a moment of triumph for our species, well done ya piece of shit!”

Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, Gandhi and Civil Disobedience, Beethoven’s 9th have all stood the test of time and those acts are worthy of praise.

Are we going to really miss Ignition (remix)?

I’m not saying any of these people’s flaws should be ignored, but seriously - there were plenty of slave fuckers, wife abusers, and piss-on-tweeners out there who not only did that shit - but didn’t even have the decency to form an experimental democratic republic placing power in the hands of the people, much less write a catchy tune.

We have got to start holding a higher standard for what we consider legit and meaningful art.

Is Trapped in the Closet really an achievement for humanity? Is the cinematic legacy of Space Jam ruined by the tainting of I Believe I Can Fly?

Was American Beauty and House of Cards our civilization’s finest cinematic moments? Has there been nothing else to watch?

Can we no longer backwards slide dance at house parties because a guy who dressed like a sequined private eye slept with kids?

I’m not saying you can’t still enjoy those things, or even question your feelings about them. I’m saying don’t make those things more important than they actually are. You can both think an actor should be castrated and get lost in visualized fiction.

Just as easily as you can decide to never watch again. It’s all disposable.

To me the real crime is needing a movie like American Beauty to be the pinnacle of human achievement because you got your first handy in the theater when it came out or whatever.

Not that anyone is exactly saying that, but you big bad wolves get my straw house point.

What is the value of achievement? How do we measure what’s important? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s what the consensus decides should stay. Maybe it’s the individual.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of our general arguments are between the perspectives of group thinking socialists versus self-motivated libertarians. Maybe they’re both right, I guess it depends on the situation.

Personally I think most the arguments about entertainers matters most to the people who have a vested interest in brands and making it in the ‘look at me’ industry.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the thick of it having done music and standup most of my life and have the same guttural need for a stranger’s approval, but sometimes I feel surrounded by people who treat every moment of their lives like a biopic. Selling themselves on social media as if they’re the subject of their own Rolling Stone exposé.

People who define themselves by the most disposable of expressions and since trying to be good and known is so difficult, decided it’s easier to just simulate success instead of working harder on the mediums.

You know, frauds.

I’m surrounded by a generation of ‘fake it til you make it’ personalities who thrive on all the shit I find utterly useless, meaningless and the worst crime - boring.

Entrepreneurs in narcissism who communicate through gossip and trade in brand expression, littering the artistic landscape with recycled lateral thinking dog turds.

It’s exhausting,debilitating, and absolutely the future as AI replaces our normal careers, forcing all of us into becoming Instagram models and Influencers.

And everyday I have to have deep sobering introspection trying to figure out if I’m not equally culpable in this terrible trap of meaningless thinking.

Not that there’s anything wrong with meaningless. Not everything has to have as everlasting an impact as Ode to Joy.

I mean really, what actually matters if we all die and whatever impact we had becomes erased regardless of whether or not it takes years, months, days or even minutes after we are laid into the ground?

Most of everyone who has been born has meant nothing and left no trace or measurement that they even existed at all. Think of all the stillborn babies who didn’t even get the chance.

Nature the cold hearted bitch strikes again!

People call me jaded and bitter for these thoughts, but I promise you - I hold no anger or selfish need to compensate my own lacking by exclaiming ‘people are mostly shit and none of this will stand the test of time’. I’m very fun at parties.

It’s just the people desperate to matter that think reality is inherently mean.

Celebrate the achievement not the person, but also - let’s not over inflate the achievement to validate our own petty need for someone to hear our folk song about getting a handy while watching American Beauty or whatever.

A quick story.

One of the most talented people I ever met was a dude from Philly named Perone.

Perone played bass and was known across the city as being this incredible player who for some reason just never found a project he clicked with.

I met him when I was 18 and homeless, living in a 24 hour diner he waited tables at. Everyone loved this dude and for some reason he took care of me. Hooking up free salads, sodas, bread. He was the coolest dude I ever met.

I was learning guitar and we both loved 70’s soul and blues music so we’d jam together which in hindsight was wild.

I had no fucking idea what I was doing and yet here was this genius jamming patiently along.

Teaching me without putting in a show that he was actually teaching me, if that makes sense?

Was he perfect? No. Not at all. He was charismatic as fuck, but obviously weighted down with some demons.

The weirdest thing I could say about him - and I don’t know how to even properly frame this was - he used to draw on bed sheets.

For years he had a dream about a woman he never met and would paint her face on the bed sheets and attach lyrics to songs he was writing next to her face. These sheets hung all over his walls.

Keep in mind he was living with a girl at the time. He had a kid, yet here were all these sheets dedicated to a fictional white woman he was obsessed with, hung like championship banners across his entire two bedroom apartment.

My last conversation with Perone was perfect. I sat strumming his guitar while he smoked meth out of a can of Pepsi, telling me how Michael Jackson was the King.

Every click of the lighter, every inhale and exhale would punctuate just how much Michael Jackson meant to the world and music.

How Motown celebrated their 25th anniversary with a tv special and Michael Jackson came out and destroyed with the moonwalk.

“Dude, (click) black people loved Michael (inhale). White people loved Michael. (exhale)Young people loved Michael. (cough) Old people loved Michael. (click) None of this race or generation shit mattered. (inhale) It was because of the music and HE did that. (exhale) He bridged everything together in that one moment. (violent cough) Michael Jackson is and will always be the King. (click) Fuck Elvis.”

That was twenty years ago. I have no idea if he’s still alive, earned a living with his music or met the woman he’d dreamt and painted for years. Or if instead he succumbed to meth, took his own life and or manages an Olive Garden.

I don’t know and I don’t have to. I miss him and appreciate the things we shared that mattered and helped me grow as a person, but that’s all it ever will be.

Let justice be done and handled by those involved in their situation and value only the things and constructs that have some permanence or growth in your own life.

Either way you will still die, and wether it’s alone and forgotten or if it takes centuries for people to forget you were a miserable deaf cunt who wrote some sweet jams - you’ll eventually be nothing.

Are you debating releasing an album? The idea of recording an album may be very overwhelming and you may be at a loss as to how to proceed, but I’m telling you – you can pull this off.  Before making any decisions or signing any contracts, collect as much information as you can before you both regret and literally pay for it.

Fair warning, this is going to be as thorough as I can be, trying to cover angles you might not have even considered. There will most likely be some run on sentences and editing mistakes because I tend to blank out anytime I’m doing something that feels like work. Avoiding work is what attracted me to Standup in the first place and I’m not the most disciplined of people.

Also - I’m told visuals help break up the monotony of long posts so I decided to use the same picture of Jon Hamm and a German Shepard mix to ease your reading experience.

Let’s start here: 

Should you record an album?

Its on you to know whether or not you’re ready. Just please be ready and don’t be the ‘I have three hours of material’ fraud carrying pounds of notebooks, but struggles to fill a fifteen minute spot with consistent laughs.

Do you need something to sell on the road?

Clubs are paying less and less, no longer putting up Features in hotels, and having something to sell is almost a necessity just to cover gas. Headliners are even feeling the pinch trying to scrounge up more credits just so clubs will feel comfortable booking them over rising YouTube stars or that host of the Mr. Sexy Murder Podcast.

Do people want this?

Having an album feels cool and may con your parents into covering your rent while you pursue your dumb dreams, but nothing is going to put you down to reality harder then when you do all this hard work just to find out the eight friends who always ask ‘when’s your next show’ and never go – can’t seem to justify paying $10 for your ‘art’.

(Let’s all take a second to reflect on all the idiot musicians who are in the same boat, but with thousands of dollars of burdensome equipment they have to lug around. Lol art sucks)

Finally

Are you actively being sweet talked by industry and label heads looking to profit on all the years of work you already did by yourself? This is your best sign that you are ready. When industry leeches smell a hint of hope and money on you, ya know you have a shot of making a go at this.

Label vs. Self-Distribution

First the positives. If a label can’t contractually guarantee you plays on Sirius/XM radio and expose you to a large audience of new fans with contractually agreed payments for advertising and marketing in places that will get you seen – then you don’t really need a label. (Most don’t really do these things)

Here’s the nitty gritty. I’m telling you from experience and with the same level of lazy blindness when it comes to taking control of this side of the work that – you don’t need a record label. In fact most people don’t need record labels. We live in the future. If you’ve already recorded and edited an album, you can put it out on all the avenues the labels use and get 100% of the profit from your laptop.

“But Jay, doesn’t a Label sound cool to consumers?”

Get over yourself. No one cares anymore.You just want things that sound cool to give you validation. Fuck your validation. It’s not real. Just be good, it’ll be fine.

“But Jay, a label will promote me to a huge fan base! I’ll get new fans and lots more places will book me!”

Nope. That’s not really what they do. They may promise that to you and something like Comedy Central Records may be a giant boon, but if Comedy Central is releasing your album, you’re probably already getting exposure on the channel or getting writing work and in no way reading this.

Very few labels exist for ‘the love of comedy’. It’s about money. Labels make a money from a few physical sales, mostly digital sales and plays and some by getting the comics to buy their bulk physical copies through them.

Here’s the digital breakdown.

There’s a thing called Sound Exchange. And when your comedy gets played, a fraction of cents gets divided into two piles: The Producer and The Artist. Periodically you will get a check (usually quarterly) and the Producer will get an equal amount separate from you. Both checks are equal in amount. (I have a friend signed to one label who doesn’t even get his artist check. That goes to the label as well and it’s becoming a thing he has to try and legally negotiate with them about. There’s a ton of free floating confusion about this stuff, ask questions)

The money is based on your popularity and for some it’s great, others not so much. Most people tell me the pay seems less and less every year. It’s almost like these streaming services are designed to profit off the artists as well as the general public. WEIRD!

Here’s what this means. Basically – you as an individual have a ceiling of worth. When you release your album – the first three days is when you will pretty much get all your sales. You’ll promote it, you’ll have toured and built up a fan base interested in buying it, and when you release it – all their enthusiasm will come together in a big sales push to support you. After that – they move on to the millions of other shit in their lives. Welcome to the future! It’s a pool of nonsense swirling with illusion and you’re a drop of water.

The Label will have got their heavy cut purely on your years of hustle and work, then pretty much move on to another because that’s their grind.

You see – while you get that Sound Exchange, they also get one AND another for as many artists as they can gobble up. It’s not in their financial interest to take the time and help you build your fan base.

It’s in their interest to profit off you doing that work and the hundreds of other comedians trying to do the same thing for themselves. You understand? You get one check, but their goal is to get hundreds.

That’s the game.

If you’re still looking for a Label to validate you, look at the Label’s previous history of artists and promotion. How many likes or shares do their posts get? Chances are – you get way more. That means the Label is most likely profiting off of you more than you from them. It might be a silly thing to view social media likes as a barometer of interest to some, but really – you know what a post advertising your album with three likes on their page vs. 200 on your own personal page means.

Look at the roster. Ask people you may know about their experiences. Research how often the Label’s been sued. Seriously, that’s a thing. I almost released on one label that had a giant roster of my favorite comedians, only to find out most were one-and-done and more than a few ended up in court over the label’s shenanigans.

The Contract:

No contract is the same as the other and I’m not a lawyer, but here’s some sample verbiage you need to familiarize yourself with as to what it means to your career.

“Recording Costs and Procedures.  Each LP will be recorded at the sole expense of Label. Recording expenses shall include engineering, production, equipment, tape, editing and mastering expenses. None of these expenses will be charged to Artist’s account, nor will they be recouped from Artist’s royalties. Subject to any necessary third-party approval, Label will be allowed to record any performance of Artist during the Term, provided that Label gives Artist at least seven days notice of its intent to record.”

What this is saying is that the label will take on the cost of hiring someone to bring all the necessary equipment to record your performance and then spend the time to edit and master it. You won’t ever be out of pocket for these expenses. This is a good and worthwhile thing as getting the best sound is crucial. However, what if the label hires someone who’s not good at this? Just because someone has a mic or two and a soundboard doesn’t mean they know how to record a proper standup show. I’ve heard many a mix where the audience is super quiet and the comedian very loud. This usually means that the sound person just mic’d up the comic and let the audience laughter bleed into his direct track. It’s lazy, poor quality and also doesn’t involve that much actual “mixing”.  Ask to hear the specific person recording’s previous work.

Just because they’re a professional Label, doesn’t guarantee you a professional recording! I’m looking at you Rooftop Records.

You need to make sure there’s a stage mic and that it’s recorded direct into the board, an area mic above the audience to capture their laughter and two mics towards the back wings of the crowd. Why so many? You want to get the best mix between the crowd and the comic to sound fresh on your album, but also able to tweak in the mix in case you need to hide an annoying weird laughter, somebody’s coughing fit, or worse – a drunken girlfriend trying to be supportive by answering all your rhetorical questions. All shit that can happen. All shit a proper sound engineer and label should expect if they actually care about you. Ask for it in your contract.

“Ownership of Recordings and Underlying Works.  All Recordings made by Label and released on any LP under this Agreement will be deemed “works made for hire” under the United States Copyright Act, and Label shall be the sole and exclusive owner of all right, title and interest in the Recordings, including all copyrights and reversions in the Recordings delivered by Artist under the terms of this Agreement.”

This means the Label owns your recorded material.

“Label, its successors, licensees and assigns shall have the exclusive worldwide right in perpetuity, to manufacture, sell, distribute, exhibit, publicize, market and advertise the Recordings by any means and in any format.”

The Label and anyone who buys their catalogue can do whatever they want with it. It means if they want to put you on their ‘Now That’s What I Call Farts Vol. 5’ compilation – they can. You’ll still be owed money for listens and sales, but the label has this option. The keyword here that you have to be careful for is “in perpetuity” – that means forever. Permanent. You as an artist have the right to put a time table on this. You can negotiate clauses. Just know, the likelihood of being on a NOW Farts compilation is highly unlikely.

“Notwithstanding the foregoing, Artist will retain all copyrights in the original material (i.e., all jokes, stories, comedic and other material included in Artist’s performance), provided that Artist agrees not to re-record any of the same material contained on LPs produced hereunder for release as an audio-only recording until 5 (FIVE) years shall have passed from the termination of this Agreement. Label will be the ‘publisher’ of the material and entitled to collect the publisher’s share of any analog public performance royalties payable to the publisher of the material. Artist will receive its own share of analog and digital public performance royalties and digital master public performance royalties directly from its affiliate performing rights organizations.”

Ok – this shit is important. It says that while you own your own words and act, if you re-record any of it again in a 5 year window, the Label is owed money. Which makes sense – why would they record you if you were to just put out other versions in a year? The “audio-only” is important as it gives you the right to film the material if you get that opportunity.

Say HBO gives you an hour special, or SeeSo rises from the dead to feast on your act – you SHOULD be good to go to record your act for video, but if they make an album out of it you may be stuck in litigation and have to pay the Label to buy yourself out. This could turn into a motherfucker. Ask questions. Write it down.

Look harder at these words: “until 5 (FIVE) years shall have passed from the termination of this Agreement.” Ask when the termination of this agreement ends. If there’s no set date - then that 5 year window doesn’t really matter. Its five years AFTER you both decide to end the agreement. Is it the date of release? The date of recording? This matters because – and this seriously happens – if you record your hour and they drag their feet in releasing it. That means they still own your material even if it never gets released. That’s that magical “in perpetuity” coming to fuck you. It’s a predatory language in a contract and if you’re currently stuck in one – may give you a legal way out of a bad deal. Again – not a lawyer, but you see why you may need one to go with the ‘convenience’ of a Label?

STORY TIME: say you record twenty minutes opening for someone else’s album recording and they get you to sign this deal saying they could get you some extra money if you’d like from online streaming. However – they never put it out and you don’t think twice about it because you’re a comedian not a business nerd. Then – years later and after no communication with the label, your career starts to explode. You’re getting TV show stuff and decide to record your full hour and feel excited, but guess what – after years of silence, suddenly the Label dude announces that he owns that twenty minutes he oft handedly recorded years ago and you can’t use any of it for the proper album you’d like to release. Not only that, but for some reason there was a clause in the contract you didn’t notice because “TL/DR” and now you owe the label three hour long albums! You know – that thing we all can just write and do. Then imagine you have to pay the Label that did nothing for you to let you go and because you seem successful, the asking price to buy you out suddenly becomes thousands and thousands of dollars.

This happens.

Now let’s look hard at the Term of Agreement.

 “The Term of this Agreement will begin on the date on which it shall have been signed by both Label and Artist. The agreement will run for up to two (2) contract periods, one initial period, during which Artist will deliver one LP (LP1) and one (1) optional periods during which, if the option is exercised by Label at its sole discretion, Artist will deliver an additional LP (LP2). Within one year from the release date of each LP delivered hereunder, Label shall notify Artist in writing of its intent to exercise its option to record the next LP. The Term of this agreement will expire either: 1) nine (9) months after the release date of the last released LP; or, 2) when Label declines to exercise its option to record the next optional LP, whichever comes first.”

The word “period” is vague here. What measurement is a “contract period” much less two of them? At the end it says “The Term of this agreement will expire either: 1) nine (9) months after the release date of the last released LP” meaning that its over – only after the album is officially released. Meaning – in perpetuity – if not released. The other is a Label option for a second album after you record the first. That means the label can hold you to a second release even if you didn’t like how they handled the first, which may screw you if say you get interest from Comedy Central. Especially if you’re buyout clause from your agreement doesn’t have a set price like say $500 and a pizza.

Funny story. The above excerpt is from a contract that was sent to me by a stand up record label. When I verbally agreed to work with them, I had specifically stated that the deal would be for one album with an artist option for a second. Meaning whether or not the process sucked or was good, I had the option to record another with them or not. However – they wrote it in the official contract as their option instead. Meaning I could be trapped in a bad deal owing them a second album.

Just because you agree in person means nothing if it’s not written down to reflect your spoken agreement.  Always put it in writing.

 Artist’s Additional Rights.  

“Artist’s Right to Purchase Copies from Label.  Artist may also purchase an unlimited number of non-royalty bearing CD copies of the Recordings from Label for purposes of resale by Artist for Artist’s personal or promotional use at the price of five dollars ($5.00) per CD and ten dollars ($10.00) per LP, if manufactured by Label, (the “Artist Discount Rates”). Notwithstanding the foregoing, Label agrees to provide thirty (120) copies of the CD to Artist at no charge.”

This is about the physical copies. It means that if you’d like to sell them after your show you have to buy them from the Label. This is helpful because the label pays to have them made and you can sell them. However, $5 a copy? They are literally fucking you. There’s a whole bunch of services that charge way less to manufacture CD’s. (seen some as low as a $1 depending on quantity) Services the Label goes through themselves! That $5 is just another way the Label can profit off the comedians work.

Here’s a fun fact! It’s 2018 – who buys CD’s anymore? Do YOU buy CD’s? From experience I’ve seen comedians sell less and less physical albums every year. Everything is about digital now. The audience wants to stream it and could give two fucks about physical copies after shows. They want T-Shirts. It sucks, but it’s true. Stand Up Comedy was invented by the T-Shirt companies to move product. If any label tries to push you into buying CD’s from them at $5 a pop – suspect everything they do.

Back story: In my contract I negotiated down to $3.25, but found out from other people on the Label they were paying $5 while some were paying $3. This is shady shit and the Label head got super pissed we were talking to each other about it. Remember – If a Label head doesn’t want you talking to other artists about their contracts then they are trying to fuck you somewhere.

Digital Download Royalty Rates.   

“For each individual track from the Recordings (a “Single”) or complete album sold or streamed via Digital Download, Label will pay Artist a royalty equal to fifty (50%) of Label’s Net Receipts from such sale(s).  Label’s Net Receipts are defined as Label’s gross receipts from Digital Download sales of Artist’s Recordings, less any distributor charges for upload or file maintenance.”

Digital sales are everything you’re going to make here in the World of Tomorrow. That’s the bulk of what you get from iTunes, Bandcamp, Amazon, the whole bit. Here it says you get 50% of Net receipts from online sales.

Quick lesson: Gross sales are the grand total of all sale transactions reported in a period, without any deductions included within the figure. Net sales are defined as gross sales minus deductions.

Here’s what you need to iron out.

“…less any distributor charges for upload or file maintenance.”

Say your album is sold for $10. Well, iTunes can take 30 to 40% of your sales just for hosting it. That means you’re immediately making $6-7 on your album. Cut in half with the Label, 3 to $3.50. Think about this hard. Half your sales are going to a Label just because they spent an hour uploading it to a distribution site. Did the label bring you any extra sales or were they all from the audience you already created?

Did you not have the hour in your life to do it yourself?

Food for thought. Do you get your digital sales back after the agreement is over? Or does the label get 50% of your online sales (again the bulk of where you’ll make money) in perpetuity? This is a real thing that can happen if not written out. For instance, if you eventually get your album rights back – how will the Label transfer all your future sales back to you?

There’s a whole bunch more to this process, but essentially these things above are what you need to really get your head around. Some of you reading this may already be in bad contracts. You may have a few outs, depending on state laws and the verbiage. You may have good legal reasons to get out of it and take your career and art back into your hands from predators and dream fuckers. Talk to other comics, work together, it’s not that hard and most of you have nothing to lose.

They’re the ones with something to lose and us talking publically about these issues is how we protect ourselves from frauds. 

Own your own hard work and make sure the people who get behind your talent are pushing it forward, instead of bleeding it out for their own profit. 

It sounds like you hate Labels, are you bitter?

I don’t hate labels, I hate frauds. My first album was put out by Sure Thing Records based out of Austin, TX. Not only are they good friends of mine, but also genuinely doing it for the sake of comedy. They gave me a great deal and were completely upfront with me about all the ins and outs, plus they had already signed comics I loved and respected. It was the perfect situation and if anyone asks me privately, I would recommend them wholeheartedly.

For my second release I did it by myself for two reasons. One, because Sure Thing and I couldn’t match our release schedules (they put all their energy/promotion into one release at a time and were already releasing another) and two, I wanted to research how to do this alone specifically to show others who may not have had the options I had (or considering working with leeches), how to take control of this themselves.

Its crazy how there’s so many options for comics to do this and yet we’re still resigned to banging our heads with car doors at the mere sound of handling business.

 But Jay, how do I know if I can record an album by myself?

No problem. Let’s go through that beat by beat.

Recording and mastering

Do you know musicians? Podcasters? People who record with mics and equipment? Ask around. Get on Facebook and ask if anyone can help. This also helps in seeing if the general audience is hyped about you even doing an album. You will find plenty of people to talk to who’ll probably be down to do this. I was fortunate and had a friend named Jess who did professional commercial editing. He asked for $50, but I ended up paying him more because he was incredible and as obsessive as I was about the mix. Mastering is very important, but you can get that done later in the process. Stay tuned.

Pick a venue according to your audience needs.

If you work mostly clubs, you’ll know which ones would love to have you record in their space, but keep in mind they’re pretty much bar/restaurants. You may not want the sound of waitresses barking orders or a random bridal party fucking up your shit. For my recording I found a bar that had a separate basement that was carpeted so the sound wouldn’t bounce around like a warehouse. It fit 50 people comfortably and maxed out at 75.

Plan on two to three shows (four is most desirable).

Hopefully you got your shit down and can do a full hour, but that said – mistakes happen. Bad things always get in the way. Sometimes you’re sharper the second show because you we’re able to get your rhythm in the first. Or better yet – maybe you knock it out of the park the first show and then can really relax and not be stressed out for the others. Maybe you think it sucks. You’ll probably think it sucks until you listen to it later and realize its fucking rad. Then – after tons of listens you’ll hate it and yourself again.

Promote.

Maybe do a suggested donation instead of an admission charge. You want the people who support you to come out excited to hear you record. Say it goes to pay for the recording. Its more legit then being one of those gofundme assholes.

After the recording.

Listen to it and mark notes if and when you hear a mistake or want to edit something out. Listen to all the shows. Pick what feels right. Do what matches your voice best. You or your editor can mix the tracks together on most any audio program like garageband, etc. Listen to it – take long breaks then come back to it. Don’t rush, you want to be proud of this thing that’s going to be in perpetuity. It’s your words, it’s your craft, whose hands do you want it to be in?

Once you’re satisfied with the mix you’ll need to master. GET IT MASTERED. This makes the audio even without extreme volume peaks and quality for professional distribution.

I have my album and track listings, now what?

You’ll need art. Put out the call on Facebook. Ask around, you probably know tons of artists or just use a clean headshot. I’ve designed tons of ideas on my phone just working with apps and being creative. Know anyone with photoshop skills? Put out the call, you’re friends want to help. Just don’t be too needy and reciprocate back. We all got to support each other. I was lucky to randomly scroll through Facebook and discover Brett Brock. He’s my favorite human being and a fantastic artist.

How do I self-release this thing I’m sick of now?

There’s a ton of options and a lot of people have used sites like Tunecore and CD Baby. Both have their strengths and easy to research, but I’ll just cut the bullshit and recommend Distrokid. It was the simplest process, the best priced and gave me the options I needed for comedy. You literally upload your album and they host it for $19.99 a year. To put this into perspective, other places charge 2-3 times more to do the same thing. More perspective? No problem. For that $19.99 you can upload all the content you want, while the other places charge for each individual upload. Meaning that if you wanted to release multiple EP’s instead of one album, you still only pay $19.99 a year. Or pay $50 and Distrokid will never take it down if your membership lapses or you die. It’s kind of rad.

Still want physical copies? No problem, there’s a ton of businesses who ship from everywhere in the country. I used https://www.affordablesound.com based out of Austin, TX and they were easy to work with. The price depends on the quantity you print, but keep in mind – people don’t really buy them anymore.

Release Strategy

Ok, here comes some realities. What do you want out of this release? Only you can decide this. When you upload to Distrokid you can choose literally 150 or more platforms to put your album on. If its just about exposure then click all the boxes and have a drink, you’re done. If its about sales then I’d suggest not putting it out on Spotify or Pandora streaming sites as it means people will choose to do that over paying the $9.99 for your work. Later on, go ahead and steam it as you like. I waited a year myself, but before that I personally wanted to set a value to what I produced and genuinely feel streaming lessens the public’s perception of what you do.

The fact is people don’t really want to pay for shit. Also - most of the people I know are broke, but that said - its up to you what your album is worth. There’s nothing wrong with saying your work is worth $10 and then putting it up on YouTube etc after a year as you move on to the next project. If your goal is to rank on iTunes, then make that push and promote the hell out of it on release day. I did that for my first album and got the #1 credit that pretty much no one cares about and does nothing for your career. For my second release I first went through Bandcamp before Distrokid. I got paid quicker and got to see who and where was buying the album. It rocked, was easy and they only took 15% of each sale. You have to link it with Paypal and I’d advise paying the $10 to go with Bandcamp Pro. This will help you keep it from being a streaming release (and you can cancel after you’re sales die off). However, most people would rather click the ‘Buy’ button on iTunes and Amazon instead of fill out the credit card information on Bandcamp so eventually you’re going to have to put it up through Distrokid anyways.

You have options. Above all else make a list and look at what resources you have in your own community and decide for yourself what direction you’d like best to go. When do I see money from iTunes, Amazon, etc?

If you are on a label or doing it solo it takes 3-4 months to get your sales information back (unless you exclusively go through Bandcamp). Distrokid keeps track and will help you get paid. Do you work for Distrokid?

No. It was just so easy and convenient to use especially for standup that for the price and speed of service, I was pretty grateful they were an option.

Is this post just a way to promote your own shit?

Nope. This isn’t one of those dumb marketing things. Its just information for you to use or not. No twitter handles or links here. Most likely I’ll go back and edit this as more people either correct me or provide extra information that’s helpful to comics.

I hope this helps.

“The thing is

(grabs turkey leg)

about the Refugees

(piles yams on plate)

We just can’t afford to take them OUCH! Hot plate!

(Quickly puts gravy down, looks aside)

Isn’t this technically called a ‘tureen’? Anyways..

(pours gravy)

you can’t trust their religion. It breeds too many radicals

(takes extra roll)

What we should do is give em to Cuba or Mexico. Give those people a little taste

(dips finger in gravy, sucks on finger)

Yum! Delicious, Karen… Of their own medicine

(places plate down, sits at head of the table)

Ok, let’s all bow our heads 'Our Father on this day of thanks, we…’ OH FUCK YEAH! TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOWN!”

A TV quietly plays in the background: