#mil problems

This makes so much sense. I’m having a hard understanding if I was the problem or if I was the controlling, uncompromising one , but that’s only a part of their manipulation. I DO NOT CONSENT TO BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY.

Woah buddy. I have a few simple rules for my daughter before my inlaws take her, related to health and safety. Keep her away from cigarette smoke. Don’t feed her sugar (she’s still an infant), use a car seat, and don’t put shoes on her feet. 

I don’t like arbitrary rules, because people don’t follow arbitrary rules. But my inlaws don’t like me to explain why my rules exist. So I just expect them to follow them. 

And then my daughter comes home reeking of cigarette smoke with shoes too tight on her feet. Every single one of my rules has been broken at some point.

So I say, having grown up with young children, and training animals. If you don’t have consequences behind the words, they don’t mean anything. You tell a dog “No” over and over again, without the dog knowing what happens when No is ignored, you’re only training the dog that No means nothing, or only means something the 8th time you say it. 

I tell my inlaws, okay, my rules are not being followed. My daughter isn’t going to go out with you until I can trust that my rules will be followed. 

And then there’s this huge blowup and drama. It’s 100% my mother in law ignoring my rules. Not the sister in law. But I have to say no to both of them, because the MIL will just get my daughter out through the SIL. 

It’s about control and respect honestly. Not my rules. My rules are for my daughter’s good. But MIL not following rules etc. I wouldn’t dream of being trusted with somebody else’s child and not respecting the parents’ requests regarding that child’s care - even if I thought they were stupid rules. 

So the day that I say this, lay down the law so to speak, I expected to sit down together in the evening and discuss it like normal adults when everybody was home. But no. Of course that can’t happen because that’s too reasonable. 

My MIL calls my husband upstairs (the upper story of the house is her apartment) and bitches him out. MIL and SIL are refusing to talk to me. Because that solves problems, doesn’t it? SIL is probably just hurt, because I know she follows the rules. It’s MIL that doesn’t. But I have to “punish” both of them. 

Anyway, whatever. This is how my MIL behaves in order to get her way. Being the snajka of the house, I am the lowest person in the house hierarchy. So everybody can pick on me when they’re feeling upset, and I have no way to really snap back and defend myself. This isn’t my country, and my mastery of the language is limited to the functional. 

So what my MIL does, and has done, whenever I dare to step on her toes and get out of line, is this. She throws a huge tantrum, storms out in the middle of conversations before I get a chances to say anything, screams at me, gets everyone in the house to ignore me and pretend I don’t exist, and says a whole bunch of passive aggressive bullshit. And it’ll go on for months. And she’ll be the poor victim in all of it and hold a grudge. 

She’ll hypocritically justify her behavior and capitalize on any mistake you make. I lost my temper once at her, because honestly I have PTSD and was super stressed out living with my inlaws in a foreign country, with a tiny baby, without my husband, and dealing with their bullshit because they kept interrupting me and talking over me when we were trying to work things out. And now that’s why my MIL refuses to talk to me when I’m being “bad.” Despite having 1000 normal conversations since then. Because I had an “explosive” temper that one time 9 months ago. 

I made the mistake of playing into it. Doing the whole walking on eggshells thing and trying to not upset her. I was too busy staying in my own lane learning to handle taking care of my daughter, learning a new language and country while my husband was away working to do much else. 

But that’s honestly not how I roll or have ever rolled. Because that’s a terrible way of rolling. 

Manipulative people thrive in information darkness. They rely on other people taking the easy road and not speaking up, and not saying anything, and avoiding the pressure of confrontation. Manipulative people are cowards. And the only way to step up and keep them from bullying you is to be brave, swallow your anxiety, and take them head on. It gets way easier the more you do it. 

So I’m just going to be me. Husband and I are going back to the US pretty soon so I can fly and get some sweet sweet aviation cash. And when kid #2 comes along we won’t be living with the inlaws anyway, because there isn’t enough room here for us and two kids. 

And yeah, this is really really shitty for my husband. But I’m not the one making things this way. It’s his mom. I get along with most people, but I don’t let other people control me and push me around. And it always seems like there’s this 1 chick that never left high school behind and has to always be in somebody else’s business, and act the queen. It’s gross. 

So slava’s gonna be hella awkward. I guess.

For those of you wondering about my baby rules:

Cigarettes - pretty straight forward. If you disagree, you’re ignoring 80 years of scientific literature and common sense. 

Refined sugars - like candy. Sugar is a highly addictive substance affecting mood and behavior, and is not a required part of the diet. It puts stress on the pancreas and liver to process it. It also chances perception of taste. My rule is, under 1 year of age no sugar period. She doesn’t need it, it’s not good for her. She’s exploring normal foods right now. And I don’t need a hyper moody baby. After 1 year, we’ll relax a bit and it’ll be an occasional treat. 

Car seats - my MIL told me in Serbia it’s not normal to use a car seat. Maybe in her day, but from what I’ve seen car seats are the norm. Also, you’re a dummy if you don’t use one. Cars are dangerous. Babies are fragile. 

Shoes! - I had no idea about this until I started researching when I should shod my daughter. The answer, surprisingly, was to try not to. Babies are born with no bones in their feet! Just cartilage. They’re extremely flexible and malleable. The feet continue to grow and develop until around 17 years of age. The human body has a natural posture which starts at the feet. They are the literal foundation. Too tight shoes, too high an arch etc in childhood can all mold and deform the foot, leading to poor posture and back/joint pain in adulthood. 

In addition, babies and toddlers rely on floor contact, toes, and feeling the ground when they learn to walk and run. Putting shoes on them inhibits this contact, can throw them off balance, and delay their development. 

Shoes are, and have been used since early humanity, meant for protection. The ideal shoe from the physiological standpoint, offers a thin and flexible sole. It really does make sense. 

And having said that, my shoes were too small when I was a kid. My feet are messed up, and I can’t stand for more than an hour without back pain.