#meth tw

on my 3rd of 5 flights this week, the guilt weighs heavily on me

the guilt holds onto the wing of the plane perched and watching the heat and black smoke ripple propelling the heavy machinery into heaven

the guilt turns to me and smiles a rotten mouthed grin

My first boyfriend, who i promised id watch the end of the world with his hand in mine - is writing poetry about me, almost a decade later.

I think everyone feels it. I know everyone feels it.

i think about the posion rain being drunk down by the soil, like drinking salt water on a lifeboat

i think about the soil giving rise to sick trees, like the children of addicts wanting meth instead of breast milk

i think about the sick trees bearing poision fruit,

i think about poision fruit

and shriveled seeds

I fucking hate living in the meth capital of the world. Everyone knows several people on it. We lose family and friends to it. My parents. The father of my child. My friend's ex who continuously threatens him with actual death if he doesn't send her money. My ex best friend's husband/father of her children. My other friend's ex wife, who he recently had to take his daughter from because she and her current boyfriend are on it and were extremely abusing and neglecting her. It's not their fault that it's extremely addicting. Every one of those people I listed has ADHD and it's near impossible to get an adderall or ritalin prescription here. The focus they get and their ability to do their jobs and keep up with tasks better makes it more addicting. But god, the withdrawals. The mood swings.

And my least favorite of all....the paranoia they get about people they know, which they then take out on the person. My mom does it, my dad did it (constantly accusing my 61yo mom of cheating when she literally couldn't have nor would), the father of my child did it ("this girl in this porno looks almost exactly like you, so it must be you, and you're a whore"), my friend's ex ("your car is clean so that means you're fucking someone, which is bad even though I fuck several people and cheat regularly"). It's just so sad that someone's addiction can end up hurting so many people....and no one knows what to do about it

I've never touched it but it has traumatized me

I'm not trying to shame addicts. If it was easy to quit, I wouldn't know so many people on it. And obviously not everyone on it is a bad person. But this is my experience. It has traumatized me. I've been BEATEN by 3 different people on it because of untrue delusions about me. I've had to go homeless to not be around it. My son and I had seizures in a house that I wasn't aware that meth was being used in, my son almost dying because he was in the bath tub drowning. He was 3. My son being born with health problems after the father of my child and his mother did meth in the house without me knowing until one day I woke up and his mom was smoking a pipe on the bed literally right next to me. (Probably why he was born 6 weeks early too, if it wasn't my messed up spine that did it.) My ex stalking me and breaking into my house, trying to steal our son while he was asleep while high on meth AND heroin. My mom throwing me into a wall by my hair because I missed small spots while cleaning. My friend who's ex keeps asking for money? She had a man beat him almost to death with a 2x4 plank, and threatens to have him murdered all the time - the last guy she was involved with just went to prison for life for killing 3 people.

That's just some of it... and I have every right to be upset by things that have happened to me that had nothing to do with my own decisions, so don't come at me saying I should be more "understanding", because all I've been is understanding and patient with them until I ended up getting hurt.

Please, PLEASE never touch it....it will not only destroy you, but everyone around you, too.

NEVER, EVER TOUCH METH.

Yes, these stories are very personal, but if you read this, please remember it as a reference of what could happen if you ever pick it up....once you do, YOU CAN NOT STOP until you have intense medical intervention. You can't just do it "occasionally" - every person - and I mean EVERY PERSON - that I know who is/was on it started it out as an "occasional" thing or "only when they need it to get things done". The withdrawals can literally kill you if you quit cold turkey - another reason it's so hard to quit.

Never, ever touch meth, and try your absolute hardest to get away from any environment or situation where it is present. You won't be able to "fix" the person who's on it or make them promise their way out of it. They have to make that decision for theirselves.

Just. Please stay away from it....and if you do use it, please, please get treatment. I believe in you. You don't have to keep living this way. People do love you, and that's why they worry about you.

I saw [ALASKA WOLF] at a coffee shop in [MANHATTAN] today. I forgot how much [SHE] looks like [MARIA PEDRAZA]. They are a [TWENTY FIVE] year old [BALLET DANCER/INSTRUCTOR] who’s been in NYC for [SEVEN YEARS] now. Every time we run into each other, they are always [CHARMING + GIVINE] but I’ve heard people say they can also be [CLOSED OFF + CYNICAL]. [DARK HORSE BY KATY PERRY] reminds me of them every time it comes on the radio. 

tw: drugs/meth/drug dealing, death of mother + father

“Cait’s secretly a hooker and Lo is making crystal meth. Let’s see if they stay by me now I’ve exposed them....”

I keep trying to debunk the excuse of “it was the drugs” because 1) he couldn’t have been using that hardcore because I would have noticed his behavior change or physical signs like sores (although he did lose weight) 2) he made a point to make sure I never found out about his other girls 3) he had every single dating app 4) he spoke to one of his girls 2 days before he left for boot camp 5) he told his girls that I was a friends with benefits even though we were in a 3 year relationship

Also not to mention he lived with 2 of his girlfriends at the same time while I had no idea. That can’t be the drugs can it? That’s just poor character? Or was it the drugs? Why does it matter so much to me either way??

Listen, drugs make people do crazy things, but in this case he very deliberately went to great lengths to hide his cheating, evidently knowing full well that it was wrong, making sure you did not find out -- these are all red flags.

You are obsessing over it because it’s painful, and you want to find a way out of the pain, but this is a pain you need to let sit. It will go away when it’s ready, but fighting it will make it dig itself deeper. You owe yourself something better.