i honestly feel like im living a life where im just a burden and i have no purpose. I cave beta thalassemia which has basically required me to get blood transfusions since i was 5 (im 18 now) and my ferritin in off the walls high and they want to give me meds which will just damage my liver. Ive already has 2 surgerys in my lifespan and i feel like a time-consuming,expensive, worthless human. but im too much of a coward to actually commit suicide.
it’s truly unfair when life hands us an unlucky card, and I understand if it makes you wonder “why me” all the time (because it’s something I used to think about very frequently), but dwelling on those thoughts is only a waste of energy, and I really hope you are able to see it that way someday. it’s not easy, but it’s definitely something you can work on and slowly build up to. your feelings are 100% valid and I completely understand that you’re feeling so low right now, but you are just as deserving of happiness as everyone else, especially someone as strong as you are for dealing with something many people do not.
you clearly see yourself in a very negative way right now, but I really encourage you to take small steps towards a better self-esteem in your everyday life. not for others, but for yourself and so you can find inner peace. I suggest finding small tasks and hobbies that help you relax and make you feel good — it doesn’t even have to be something you’re particularly good at. just something you can do everyday and that helps you get through the day without much negativity plaguing your mind. it might not seem like a lot right now but I promise it does wonders. just.. do things that make you feel better, both mentally and physically, and slowly but surely they will help you see life in a better light. it doesn’t even matter if you don’t have a real purpose right now (not many people do, believe me) because that’s something you will discover along the way.
just remember that you are not your illness, and that even though it feels like it has completely taken over your life, there are ways of enjoying life and finding some joy in your surroundings, even if your struggles won’t let you see it. try and be someone you would be proud of. you just need to find those little moments and hold tight onto them ❤️