hiatus

Hello there!!! 

Soooo, yeah…. probably very surprising I’m showing up around here what, 3-4 years later!? Whoops 😅 really sorry about that guys.

But I don’t know… recently I’ve been thinking a lot of tumblr, and all the good memories I have from this place. Something just compelled me to come here today, and seeing all of the recent messages (yours included, Titania ❤️) of people that still remember me, after all this time, warms my heart and makes me tear up. It’s honestly amazing that the impact my stories had all those years ago is still present and fresh to some people. It makes me feel genuinely happy!! 

I thought I owed you guys a quick update on my life and how I’ve been doing, and hey, if you also want to chat and/or just send me a message, it’s absolutely welcome :) 

So… where to start!? A lot has changed since I was active in here, it’s been so long (can’t believe I’m almost 30 years old :D). I remember the years I was a BTS fanfic writer as a turbulent time in my past, which I don’t think I ever truly showed on here. Writing was an escape, and writing angst was my way of dealing with emotions I didn’t know how to manage (now I do, yay therapy). It’s probably the reason why I was so good at it — all of that sadness was inside myself and it was the only way I could let it out.

I don’t write anymore, haven’t had for a while (probably a couple years), but it’s something I want to go back to eventually. I suppose it’s hard to find motivation when it’s not an escape anymore, and it was more of a tool I needed to survive back then. Now that life is much better, it’s hard to find a reason to sit down and write for hours, getting lost in fantasy worlds. But hopefully I’ll find it sooner or later — it’s definitely a skill I don’t want to abandon. Just need to get into a new kind of mindset, I guess :)

So, as for life updates… like I said, a lot has changed! I believe I was still living with my parents when I was last active here (2018). A few months after that I moved out, became independent, and quickly realized how toxic my family life was. I obtained a new kind of freedom and learnt more about myself than I ever had in the past. Leaving my parents and lowering contact with them definitely changed me for the better, which I believe is why I stopped needing to write so much. 

I lived with three roommates for a while, which wasn’t smooth sailing... I didn’t connect with them in any way, and I was still learning how to live on my own, which came with its own problems and unfortunately provoked lots of fights amongst us ^^’ so that was definitely a learning period heh. I left after a year to live with another friend, which went WAY better, and then, as life would have it, I met a very cute, incredible boy who is still my partner to this day and the most important person in my life. 

We have been living together for a year and even have a dog together! a very stubborn, very rebellious but absolutely gorgeous 1 year old pup :)) honestly it’s an amazing relationship, it’s not perfect and we’ve obviously had some rocky moments, but we have healthy communication and we understand each other like no one else does. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself, because I never thought I would ever meet someone like him, someone I could connect with so deeply. We have been together for almost 2 years, and still going very strong. It's a very stable and solid relationship, we're both into therapy and communicating every issue (though I have to say he's way more emotionally mature than I am haha) which is amazing.

I’m also into spiritualism these days and spend quite a lot of time getting to know myself, learning about breaking down social constructs and inner beliefs, meditation and practicing mindfulness. It’s something I’m excited to continue exploring and it has led me to want a quieter life for myself in the future. Bf and I are actually making plans for the longterm to move far away from the city center, so we can live closer to nature and feel more connected to the earth (sounds like hippie stuff but I promise it's not lol).

To give you one last anecdote (a not so happy one) I did get covid twice and it was absolute HELL for me, even developed pneumonia which was no fun and quite scary. I hope none of you guys had to go through this and if you got covid (statistically speaking, chances are most of you did) I hope it wasn't as destructive as it was for me.

I think that's it! the important stuff, at least. Honestly, if you told me 4 years ago this was going to be my life I would have laughed in your face. I’ve come a long way (mostly thanks to therapy!!) and I have so many exciting plans for the future that I can’t wait for. :’)

So.. even though coming back here and being active as a tumblr writing is not in my plans anymore, I do remember this blog with so much fondness. It definitely saved me and protected me back then, it helped me feel less alone and played an important part in growing my confidence, mostly thanks to readers and followers like you, who cheered me on and believed in me even if you didn’t know me personally. You guys really have no idea how much you helped me.

I will read over the messages you guys have been leaving me these last few years, and like I said, if you want to chat and leave me a message you’re welcome to do so. I’m not writing fanfics anymore but I’d still be very happy to hear from you all.

If you read all of this, thank you ❤️ I wish you all well and I hope you’re all doing amazing!!

I don’t even know how to start this post, tbh— but it really sucks that I’m finally writing this. I was kinda trying to postpone it because I said I was back, and everyone was so excited (I was, too!!). I just felt so happy about my readers reaching out after so long, and I just really did not want to let anyone down.

I need to be honest though, and the truth is that I just wasn’t ready to be back, and I still am not. I have barely written a word since January, which makes it eight months now, and I realize that the worst thing I could’ve done was announce I was ready to write and post again as soon as I got a little bit of free time. The pressure of ‘returning’ is immense, and the idea of churning out a decent story after so much time gives me a great deal of anxiety, which shouldn’t be the case. Writing should always be about having fun and a way to escape said anxiety, not a way to make it worse!

On top of that, I’m leaving on holidays in two weeks, and I’ll barely be on my own country during all of September, which made me feel like I had this “deadline” of creating an incredible storyline and writing a long story before leaving. But alas, I need to be honest with myself (and you guys) and admit that that isn’t going to be the case.

This is why I’ve decided that I’m gonna lay low for a while, until I’m ready to write again— without any pressures, or deadlines, or fear of being too rusty. I WILL be back, I can assure you that (because I do miss being here, so much, you have no idea!) but I won’t make any grand announcements again. One day you’ll just see me post something out of the blue, and whether that might be in a week or two months from now, I can’t say for sure. But it will happen, I promise. 🙏

All I need is more time to get my mojo back, and to feel like I can be a writer again (because I kinda lost that feeling, which sucks, but that’s what eight months of not writing a word does to you). Then, hopefully, things can slowly return to normal :’)

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It made me so happy! I just hope you can all wait for me a little bit longer. I love you all 💚

This something I have made for Blue orchids a long looong time ago just for fun (I think it was last year). I still have that story on my mind! I was thinking of it the other day and I remembered that I had something like and edit in my pc. I wanted you to see it.