#medication stuff

like. i take adderall and stuff right? but like... i feel like the effects of it might not be the desired thing?

like sure i can focus more but i’m focusing on the wrong thing ie: i’m focusing on getting all my thoughts down and like

i dont have a million trains of thought at once but at the same time i’m all focused on the wrong train

Like I teared up a little over basically being told I'm worth something.

And don't get alarmed by the above statement. This is a known problem related to ptsd and I've worked very hard to rebuild my self confidence.

I'm just feeling it more viscerally. Like in a positive way. A crying in appreciation way. Like I'm so expecting I'm gonna cry and hug my mom this coming weekend.

Basically, in a strange and unexpected sequence of events, our psychiatrist decided to put us on a narcolepsy medication this week, and it’s been upending all our expectations of how functional and productive we thought we could be during the day. She said we’ve spent so much time and effort trying sleep med after sleep med, and what if we switched course from trying to make me sleep enough and well enough to feel rested, to trying to help me feel more awake during the day.

So for the past three days we’ve been taking a micro dose of a wakefulness agent, armodafinil, one third of the recommended dose as we slowly work our way up, and it’s already producing a notable difference. I haven’t napped in three days because I haven’t felt sleepy enough too. We found a new podcast to binge listen to because we have so much more mental capacity and attention span without getting foggy and groggy. We checked out new books from the library because we need more things to DO! We can actually Do Things without feelings like we’re dying or without wanting to die.

So. Already noticeable increases in energy, focus, attention span, productivity, motivation, and positive moods/positive emotions. Apparently when you have more energy you can also just. Feel happier? Deceases in sleepiness, fatigue, brain fog, and depressive symptoms. We’ve been in shock really. This didn’t feel possible. My brother has narcolepsy and takes this exact med and it changed his life. I never thought it could work for someone like me too.

We got horrible headaches the first two days which is a very common side effect, but that was already getting better today. We’ve had a harder time falling asleep which can also happen, but even with getting 1-2 less hours of sleep, I’ve had more energy and been more productive. It hasn’t made me anxious or jittery or anything. If anything I feel calmer, more focused and grounded. Like my brain is firing more correctly.