#mathiashevlr

october: a playlist [x]

I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.

because @mathiashevlr and i have been screaming about this for days, i felt it necessary to share this with everyone else

everyone knows that you should fear kaz brekker and inej ghafa. he rips apart businesses and destroys careers; she slaughters slavers and ruins their ships. but the kids? there are children out there that know kaz and inej are, in a way, fighting for them

kaz looks out for the kids that are like him and his brother. there's so many other kids like kaz and jordie who were scammed and suffered just the same and never managed to get revenge like kaz could, but now? pekka rollins fled the city. he's never coming back. kaz and inej did that, and it doesn't bring back the lost families and money but it is satisfying as hell to know he's had to lose everything, too.

so kaz comes across a kid who’s lost everything after being drawn in by promises of wealth and a new life. the kid looks at him, terrified, and then kaz says “it happened to me too”

this kid looks at kaz and thinks if he can do it then why can't they? and seeing kaz as the toughest most terrifying barrel boss goes from something threatening to something empowering because it happened to him, and look where he is now!

at this point kaz and inej are in a steady relationship and they kind of, without meaning to, adopt this child because they have nowhere else to go and it’s better than ending up on the streets. (also kaz will never admit it, but he has a soft spot for this weak little child)

It wasn’t often that anyone saw this side of Jeremy Knox, let aloneJean.

But here they were,Jean hovering in the doorway, Jeremy hunched at the little kitchen table,gripping the stone-cold mug that held his morning coffee. The evening gloommaking what was normally so vibrant and welcoming look washed out and cold.Jeremy hadn’t bothered turning on the lights or, more likely Jean thought,hadn’t needed to when he sat down and hadn’t noticed it getting dark around himas the day dragged on. Jean let out a heavy sigh after a while concluding that Jeremy wasn’t going tonotice him on his own. Clearing his throat he pulled out the chair opposite.“Jeremy?”
The smaller boy jerked to attention at the sound of his name and raised hishead to meet Jean’s eyes, a pained frown forming between his own. “oh, hey Jean- I uh, didn’t hear you come in.” his expression pulled evengrimmer as he clenched his jaw, dropping his gaze and focusing on his coffee. Jean kept his gaze steady, it was obvious that Jeremy wasn’t okay but Jean hadlittle practice caring for others and no experience of dealing with someone hewould tentatively call his friend looking so small and uncertain in front of him.It simply wasn’t what he had become accustomed to since joining the Trojansranks nearly half a year ago. With a steadying breath, Jeremy looked up again, “about last night-” 

It hadn’t been good. Jeremy knew he’d messed up as soon as Sara grabbed his arm, worming her waythrough the mass of bodied in the basement. Her grim and slightly worriedexpression confirmed it for him before she even got the chance to shout overthe noise of the music and drunk students. “LAILA’S TAKEN JEAN HOME. JEREMY, HE DIDN’T LOOK GOOD.”Everything slowed around him as Sara’s words sunk in. Jean. Shitof course! 
There had been an unprecedented amount of people at the party that night. Morethan there was ever meant to be in the basement of the dorm tower. TheStickball Swing, as the volleyball girls had dubbed their little mid-seasonparty for the exy team, had always been an invite only for the two teams andthe players plus-ones, the perfect casual step up from the few non-compulsoryteam socials Jeremy had been able to get Jean to attend up to now. But thisyear someone had leaked the date and time. Before they knew it, the basement waspacked, the press of bodies pushing Jeremy further away from where he had beenstanding with Jean, Laila and Sara. Of course it had been too much for Jean, he had already looked uncomfortablemaking his way down the stairs underground. STUPIDSTUPID STUPID! Jeremy berated himself as he shoved his way back out to the entrance.How could he have been such an idiot! They had been making such good progressand he was doing well at keeping on top of the things Jean wouldn’t be able todeal with. He had been. 
But it had been a hard season so farand as much of an asset Jean was to them the team dynamic was still a littleprecarious. He had been so caught up in working out the best course for hispost grad plans and finalising his midterm project focus- He’d just wanted a night off. But at what cost?Guilt ridden and suddenly bone heavy with exhaustion, Jeremy headed straightfor his and Jean’s dorm but there was no sign of either Jean or Laila. Itwouldn’t have been obvious to a casual observer, Jeremy had trained himself tokeep his public face back in high school, but a level of base panic wassettling in his gut. The next stop at Laila and Alvarez’s own dorm also had noresult. In the quiet of the empty corridor Jeremy let himself a brief moment of frustration,at the idiot who leaked the party plans, at he season being harder than he’dexpected, at the challenge Jean presented the team not unexpected or the mansfault but still hard to manage on top of everything else that came with beingin his final year. But mostly at himself; for dropping the ball, for puttingJean in such a situation in the first place, for not thinking it through orseeing it coming, for letting his own want for a night off from it all undothe progress Jean had been making. Thumping his hand against the wall, hard, hecursed and turned on his heel trying to think where else to check for hisfriends. He was supposed to be better than this. What was the point of the years he’dput into making himself into the person he was today if he didn’t come thoughwhen it mattered. When it was his friends he hurt or let down. When it wasJean. 

His search seemedendless and endlessly fruitless. He’d gone through all the places he could thinkof, going so far as to run all over campus checking the court, library and evengoing all the way over to the studios to see if there was a chance they wereopen and Laila and Jean where inside. Nothing. His phone had died at some point and it was only knowing how much it would makeeverything worse in the long run that stopped him from lobbing it as far as hecould from the bank at the edge of the beach. That was the last place he looked, slumping down onto his haunches and lettingout a heavy sigh he tipped forward to lean on the railing and watched in numbindifference as the sun rose over the sea.

He trudged back tohis doom in grim silence, kicking at rocks and tufts of coarse grass on theside of the road and kicking himself for the whole situation. Guilt andexhaustion warring for witch could win out as the first of his tangled emotionsto make him cry. He fumbled his keys before finally getting the door open and stumbling into thechill morning light of the empty dorm. Scrubbing his hands over his face hedropped his keys and long dead phone onto the shelf by the door and made hisway into the kitchen to make a coffee, determined to wait for Jean to comehome, for him to be able to apologise and see for himself that Jean was okay.

—————————

Jean didn’t knowwhat to do with Jeremy like this, he looked small, smaller than Jean had everthough he could. Small and cold and… scared? Jean didn’t understand but he knew he didn’t like it. 

—————–

The party had beena disaster sure, but it wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. Laila had got them both out ofthere quick enough for it not to be too bad. But he had still been badly shakenand couldn’t breathe properly for a while, darkness edging into his vision asLaila pushed people out of their way as fast as she could to get him out intothe cool night air. Once they were there and she had him looking up at theclear winter sky he’d got it back under control. They walked around for a while, Laila making small conversation and justletting Jean know that she was there and he was okay. They stopped to buy teafrom a vending machine and watched the sunrise reflecting off the huge studiowindows behind the art block. Then made their way home and found Sara waitingfor them with the news that Jeremy wasn’t in his and Jeans room or answeringhis phone and that it was decided that Jean would sleep on their sofa so hedidn’t have to go back to the empty dorm. 

That was hours ago.Jean had surprised himself with how long he slept. Clearly this whole transferhas been taking it out of him more than he was letting on even to himself. Sarawent out and got them all a late lunch once he was up. It was already starting to get dark by the time their conversation lulledenough for Jean to excuse himself. 

———

“How long has itbeen since you’ve slept?”  Jeans voice came out quieter than he’d expected, softer. Jeremy looked grey inmood and complexion as he met Jeans eyes. He swallowed thickly and reached upto touch his cheek as if only just realising what he must look like. 

“oh, umm.. I haven’t” he blinked a few times and managed to focus hisgaze on his coffee again before frowning at its tepidity and pushing unsteadilyto his feet, wobbling and having to drop his free hand to the table top almostimmediately but Jean was already on his feet and leaning across the spacebetween them holding out a steadying hand.

“Jere-” he started, a new tinge of worry in his tone but Jeremy steppedaway shaking his head

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jean I didn’t mean for that to happen. It shouldhave been okay, it though it would be okay but I- I just wanted a night off. I’msorry I should have known better, it was selfish of me and I put you in a situationI never should have, I should be better, as your captain I should have takenmore care.” His voice dropped to a cracked whisper and he buried one side ofhis face in his hand as he rubbed at his eye “I should have done better- asyour friend -and I’m sorry”

Jean expression froze as he tried to work out what to do with thesituation in front of him but only for a moment before he rounded the table andcarefully took the mug out of Jeremy shaking hand and put it down. Reaching outagain he tentatively turned the shorter man to face him ducking slightly tomeet his eyes. There was a soft clarity to his voice that Jean had never heardfrom himself before when he spoke again. “Jeremy, I’m okay. It wasn’t good and I don’t know how bad it could have beenif Laila hadn’t got me out of there, but she did, so I’m okay. And it wasn’t yourfault. Jeremy, I don’t blame you for this. You need to sleep. You’ve been awakefor nearly 30 hours. And this wasn’t your fault so I don’t blame you. It’sokay. I’m okay.”

Six of Crows moodboard: Wylan Van Eck