#manstruation

I'm a pads guy myself, but this is really neat! It's been a big relief to me to finally find pads with non-girly packaging lately, so this is great for anyone who needs tampons...

I don't get people being upset about it - if you want your tampons in girl-themed packaging there are sooo many options, just ignore this one brand. And if you're a guy who doesn't have periods, again, just ignore this.

I experienced throughout 9.5 years, between December, 2005, and April, 2015. I never settled into a wording I felt comfortable with. My mother called it literally her “shit”, my best friend in highschool used to speak about her “strawberry week”, most went by “period”, in college I heard about “shark days”.

A friend of mine is writing her Master’s thesis about menstruation. I didn’t feel comfortable to share my menstrual experiences with her but while we were talking, I figured that I have some 9.5 freakin’ years of menstrual experience under my belt. I didn’t thought this period of my life that long.

Initially, I wanted to menstruate.

I thought I had to somewhat grow biologically into my body, that endocrine changes would somehow enable this feeling of “womanhood” I lacked. Every time I bled I expected this would be the breakthrough into femaleness. Before I got a regular cycle I frequently feared I may could’ve been pregnant, while I didn’t had any sexual encounters with cis guys at the time.

I was introduced to pads as menstrual supplies. My birth mother considered tampons to be “toxic” and “unnatural”. The first half of the decade I menstruated, I was afraid to use anything else than pads.

I was 19 as I fumbled around with this extra tiny, so called “virgin-friendly” tampon in the stall, at the student’s dormitory where I lived, for some 45 minutes or so, eventually inserting the thing, then getting ready to join a house party with friends. I used tampons occasionally after that, but never got as comfortable with them as others seemed to be.

I basically coped by avoidance.

I think I didn’t considered myself as person with menstrual experience throughout the time I actually experienced it. I never cursed. I always had some pads available in my rucksack, in the part where miscellanous tiny stuff goes, all thrown together, pocket change, flashlight, pencils, chewing gum, lucky charms, paper clips. Throughout the three years I already used men’s room while still experiencing bleeding, I also put my used pads in this part of my bag.

I couldn’t imagine anything more humiliating than asking someone for a pad or tampon. As I’m writing this, I figure this may be an interesting humiliation play.

I think I was asked for menstrual supplies once or twice, but I don’t recall any specific situations.

I avoided swimming while bleeding but I also avoided swimming while experiencing dysphoric feelings. Avoidance, caused by different parts of dysphoria overall, enabled each other and cumulated together. I often couldn’t tell why I avoided in the first place.

Throughout the years I identified as a gnc butch and my early years as a transguy I was fond of boxers. I had a pair of purple-black squared ones.  It was difficult to place pads in them, but I did it nonetheless, sometimes blood stains ran besides the pads, sometimes the pads were covered in my cum and couldn’t soak up my blood properly.

I bought my first men’s deodorant along while also shopping for menstrual equipment. I felt ashamed and I told myself there was nothing to be ashamed about and I was ashamed to feel shame while I paid at the drug store.

During the 3 months I was on quarter-dosis of testosterone I still experienced menstruation. After I entered full dose treatment I had some short, minor bleedings some 6ish weeks apart and then it was all over for good. I think length and intensity didn’t change much as I started hormone therapy.

Although I already lived in a city with a broad and vibrant queer community, gnc-centered sex shops, empowerment for bleeding men, I choose not to get involved with this empowerment. I never tried out eco pads, moon cups or any other tools that were designed to include more diverse bleeding bodies.

The last incident, related to my menstruation experience, happened as I attended a trans conference. There was a get-together at a place, historically a women-centered space. I was caught off-guard by my bleeding, mere weeks before the bloody cycle stopped altogether. As I went to the toilet there were tapons available in a bowl right next to the sink. I felt grateful.

I already forgot for how long I was bleeding each time, overall. I think it was slightly more or less than a week. Looking back, I consider my bleeding about average, painful the first two days, getting lighter the last two, manageable by one pad or one tampon at a time. I do remember the smell, older blood lumps, fresh bleeding, mixed with the smell of my my pads.

I don’t think that shared menstrual experience helped bonding with women, particularily. Because I was rarely provided with menstrual supplies I used to steal the uber-big pads by my birth mother. I think she didn’t like her menstruation, felt probably ashamed and most likely she also coped by avoidance. My friends certainly didn’t, the topic was mainely adressed while preparing for a going out and how sex won’t happen while they had their period.

I felt it separated me from male-assigned men, not necessarily because of the experience itself, but rather since it was a non-adressed, silenced occurence. This alienation vanished since I don’t bleed any more.

Funny enough, I bonded with an old friend of mine who used hormone treatment for menopause symptoms. We chatted some time about how she felt shame for horomonal intervention in her endocrine system and how distressful the transition form menstrual to non-menstrual female felt for her. As far as I can tell (I probably experienced symptoms I didn’t assigned to this cause) my menstrual transition went rather smoothly.

It took quite a while to get used to be a non-menstruating man. As I moved, two years into hormone treatment, I still found some pads at my place. It was not until then I got rid of anything menstruation-related in my life, at last.

In summer, I had a full hysterectomy, removal of ovaries, tube and frontal cavity. I had to use medical pads for some 6ish weeks post-op, bleeding from the tip of my new penis, but I didn’t even think about framing this experience similiar to my experience with menstruation.