#malemonologue

Y’all am I bleeding? .... Well, I will be. I am having one of those days where I just can’t stop running into things? Do you ever have those? I am usually a very graceful woman, but something about this dress, it makes me feel like Bigfoot. I just ran smack dab into a cabinet in the kitchen, just walked right straight into it. Like there was a big magnet in that cabinet and I had a steel plate in my head. Ka-BOOM. I will probably need stiches by the time this reception is over. I am terrified. Terrified I am going to do something to ruin this wedding, and Scott will never forgive me. Just like that time I ralphed right in the middle of his Eagle Scout induction ceremony. My therapist thinks I was jealous that I couldn’t be an eagle scout, but I don’t think that was it. I mean, I was nineteen. I think I had just had a bad tuna salad sandwich. Oh, this is a bad time, isn’t it? I’m so sorry. I’ll leave. (She goes to leave, knocks something over) See what I mean?

TODD:In the beginning, there were dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs. And they were big. They were very,very large –in comparison to man they were. They were huge. And there were many different kinds.There were cerotops and stegosauruses. There was the tyrannosaurus and the pterodactyl. And they lived, not in harmony, roaming the earth at will, raping, as it were, the planet and pillaging without regard. And, and um … uh.(He loses his place and quickly checks his pockets for notes.)Um, I seem to have forgotten my notes. I’m sorry. I thought I left them in my pocket. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to wear this. Maybe I left them on the table. Maybe I – oh well, it doesn’t matter now. I don’t have them. That’s the point. I think I remember most of it –Maybe I left them – it doesn’t matter. Where was I? Oh, yes. It got cold. That’s right, it got very, very cold and all the dinosaurs died. They all died. At once. It got cold and they died. And the land masses shifted and arranged themselves into the pattern we see now on the map. Basically. I think. There weren’t any divisions for countries or states or anything, and I’m sure California was bigger, but it resembled what’s on the map. During the cold spell, which is generally referred to as “the ice age” –or maybe it was before the ice age, or after it – I can’t remember –but life started spontaneously. In a lake. Here, I think.(He indicates the sea of Japan.)And amoebas multiplied and became fish – don’t ask me how –which evolved into monkeys. And then one day, the monkeys stood up, erect, realized they had opposing thumbs and developed speech. Thus, Mankind was born.Here.(He indicates Africa.)Some people liked Africa, so they stayed there and became black. Some people left, looking for something, and became Europeans. And the Europeans forgot about the Africans and made countries and Queen Elizabeth executed her own half sister Mary Queen of Scots. Some Europeans were Jewish, but most were Christians of some kind, Jesus having been born sometime prior – oops, I forgot that. I’m sorry. Jesus was born. And there were other religions too, but I can’t remember much about them, so I’m sure they weren’t very important. During the Renaissance people got very fat.Picasso sculpted “David,” Marco Polo invented pizza, Columbus discovered the new world and Gaetan Dugas discovered the fountain of youth. Europeans imported tea, to drink, and Africans to do their work. Edison invented the telephone. Martha Graham invented modern dance. Hitler invented fascism and Rose Kennedy invented nepotism. Orson Wells made Citizen Kane and mothers loved their children,who rebelled, when the sun shined most of the time, except when it rained and there was a rhythm to our breathing. There was an order to the world. And I was born here.(He indicates Philadelphia.)I give you this brief summary of events, this overview, so you’ll have some perspective. I’m sure I got some of it wrong, I’ve lost my notes, but it’s basically the idea. And I wanted you to have, I think, some sense of history