Because I seem to like to torture myself with the angst that is Remus Lupin and Sirius Black … More of Remus never thinking their relationship is meant to be and letting it ruin them.
Part one of two.
Warning: Mention of Abuse and Violence
Enjoy.
He can feel how tight his knuckles are and how the skin stretches
Strained by the tensing of his muscles and the way his fists curl
He’s trying not to keep his eyes so tight
Reminding himself over and over and over again that this is what he wanted
This is what he asked for
And although he hadn’t pictured it
Hadn’t let his mind wander that far
He couldn’t get it out of his head anymore
And he was trying so hard not to break glass
Not to rip pages from books and tear apart the room and ram his fist off the stone wall until his knuckles bled
Until he hurt outside more than he hurt inside
But then the dorm room door slams open and he doesn’t want to punch walls
Doesn’t want to blindly ram his fists off things until his arms are heavy and his heart is weak and his head is weary
He just wants to scream
‘You asked for this you know’
And his voice is thick with frustration
Because it has been nothing but tension for the past month
And it’s only getting thicker
And they all can feel it but they’re trying not to ruin everything at the same time that they’re trying to save it
‘I realize that James’
Remus’ voice is soft and quiet
And he knows it’s because he’s kept his voice tightly locked away for so long
Trying not to say the words that are bouncing of the walls of his mind
‘You think this is what he wants Remus? You think he could ever fucking want this?’
He can hear James’ throat tighten and his voice go hoarse
He’s trying not to scream too
But Remus knows its coming
‘You’re blind James’
‘Oh shove off Remus you see exactly what I see.’
‘Yeah the hickeys are a sure sign he wants me Prongs.’
He can’t control the sarcasm
Or the pang in his chest at the images that come with the words
And that’s what sets James off
‘You told him off! All you do is argue with him! You basically threw him into that prat’s arms’
‘Yes I did. And I should have known this was coming, we all know he can be a real shit.’
‘He was trying so hard Moony. So hard for you.’
‘Don’t you fucking dare pull that for me bullshit. He gave up easily enough.’
James slams his book bag onto the ground
He storms towards Remus who’s still sitting on his bed
The floor much more appealing to his eyes than the sight of James’ red face and furrowed brow
‘Can’t you see he doesn’t want that!’
‘Well he doesn’t have a bloody choice does he!’
‘Not if you won’t even give him one!’
‘I can’t fucking give him one.’
‘Why? What possible reason is there for you to do this? It took you two so long to even talk about that damn pining, so long to finally just admit you were so head over heels for each other and you’re throwing it out the window!’
James is shouting so loudly now
His face so red, his eyes so blood-shot
Remus knows its been frustrating for him to see Sirius the way he’s been
The dark eyes and the gritted jaw
The rebellious attitude that had been so charming
That had been leather jackets and sipping firewhiskey and midnight laughter
It had suddenly become so aggravating
Because now it was clothes that Sirius bought rather than washed
It was alcohol to sleep instead of alcohol to give him the courage to lean forward and kiss Remus
It was irksome silence replacing their laughter
And Remus was sorry
Merlin he was so sorry but he couldn’t do it
Couldn’t get the anxiety in his mind to slow down
Couldn’t get himself to stop what it made him do
‘He’s a Black, James.”
And suddenly James’ eyes are going wide
‘What?’
‘He’s … He’s a Black.’
Remus sighs as he interlocks his hands
The floor still where his eyes are glued
‘What does that have to do with anything? That has never been a problem for you all that pureblood bull-’
‘It’s everything James! You have to understand that!’
Remus looks up now
His golden eyes meeting James’ dark brown ones
He can feel the tears
Because he has only said this aloud one other time and it broke him inside
Broke him just a little less than when he ended things with Sirius
‘And why do I have to understand that?’
‘Lily.’
The name is soft on his lips
Like he’s been afraid to say it, afraid to play this card and make his best mate understand
But he can hear James swallow thickly
Obviously taken off his guard as his shoulders slack
‘Whats Lily got to do with this? Why are you changing the damn topic!’
‘I’m not doing it on purpose it just seems to be the only way to get it through your thick skull!’
Their eyes are glued together
And Remus needs to get this out
Because he needs one of them to understand why he’s not being illogical
Why he knows this is for the best
Why Sirius and him are just not meant to be
‘My skull is not-‘
‘Shut up for a minute and think would you James. You’re one of those special 28 pureblood families are you not?’
‘Well yeah-‘
‘And Lily, she’s a muggle-born right. No pureblood ties at all.’
‘Sure but-‘
‘Well imagine your parents. They’re these wonderful people who don’t buy into that pureblood bullshit. Who don’t care that Lily doesn’t come from an entire line of purity and incest and tradition.’
And James is nodding now
Watching Remus intently as he rambles on
‘But imagine they aren’t so ruddy wonderful Jamie. Can you imagine for a second that you’re in Sirius’ house sitting around that giant black mahogany table not speaking unless you’re spoken too. And you know how skilled your mother is as a legilimens. And you know you’re in love with a person that your parents think as less, someone they would hate. Imagine you don't even bring her to meet your psychotic mother, imagine you just thought about it. Even for a half a second. And now she knows because she’s seen it in your mind and all she’s ever done is beat, literally beat, into you how important it is to keep the bloodline pure.’
James’ face is tight and his lips are pursued and his shoulders are stark
But his eyes are still on Remus as the tears roll down his cheeks
As the words fall off his tongue like they have wanted too for weeks
‘Imagine Lily knows that Jamie, imagine that all she can think about is how much pain you are going to be in, how much your mother will do to you, how much your mother will curse you if she ever finds out you dared like a mud-blood or a half-breed … let alone loved one.’
James is standing so stoic and still
And Remus feels like his chest is collapsing
But he can’t stop himself
‘Think about how Lily would feel James. Knowing that when you go home you might not make it out. That every time she hugs you in the compartment rather than on the platform she’s thinking somewhere in the back of her mind that you aren’t going to come back to her … Or put yourself in her shoes even Jamie. Think about how you would feel if Lily’s parents hated you, hated your kind, so much that they would beat her because of it. Imagine that you’re lying next to them in bed and running your fingers over the smoothness of their skin and thinking about how beautiful they are just for them to wince at your touch because there’s this dark purple mark that he wears like a bloody badge of honour. And you think oh god how did you get that? And he says, as though it were a joke, that he left his shoes in the hallway.’
Remus can feel himself shaking now
The utter rage and ferocity that runs under his skin all but coming to the surface
’And imagine what they would do to him if they knew about me Jamie. Knew that he was in love with some half-breed who turns into a literal fucking monster every night. I can’t even breathe when I think about what would happen. And I know you’re going to say that he’s strong and he knows what he’s doing but I can’t take that chance. Not with him.’
Remus turns his eyes to the floor for a moment as he swallows painfully
And then turns his eyes back to James
’Wouldn’t you do anything, anything in your power to protect Lily? Even if it meant shattering your own heart? Even if it meant breaking hers? Even if it meant every day you had to watch her trying to get back at you for what you did by snogging some perfect pureblood all over the castle? Merlin, wouldn’t it be worth it Jamie? Just to know that in the end at least they’re safe?’
His can feel how his shoulders are shaking now
How the tears wash down his face
How his hands grip each other so tightly he feels he might break
And he doesn’t know when his eyes found the floor again
Or when that warmth engulfed him
But the sound of rhythmic breathing is nice
And the feeling of someone else’s heart beat is calming the raging of his own
‘Remus’
Remus’ eyes turn to see James
He’s leaned back from him now, from the hug that was so warm
And his face his solemn
‘You’re right. And I agree with you because I would give everything I had to keep Lily safe. If anything I did caused her pain … if I had to break my own heart to protect hers …. I would.’
Remus is nodding his head
His heart hurting as James comes to terms with his truth
‘But you’re wrong.’
Remus can’t help but furrow his brow as he watches James’ mouth go from open to shut
As his eyes dart to the doorway
As he hears the hinges on the dorm door creak open
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In front of a mirror
I see someone
She’s beautiful and strong
Her eyes can captivate your heart
Her lips can attract your mind
But I notice something
Behind her thick mascara
Behind her eyeliner she put in
Behind those make-ups
I know and I know that she knows
It’s just a part of her “I’m Strong” personality
Do you want to know the truth?
The truth is behind her tantalizing eyes
She’s crying every night
Behind her flawless face
bruises and scars are hiding
the proofs that she’s been hurting
Behind her dark red lipstick on her lips
unspoken words
she wishes she has the courage to scream
I still remember him telling me: “I’m waiting for you to leave me.” That is my motivation…the petrol that is keeping my engines fuelled. No more backwards and forwards, make-ups and break-ups, stolen kisses and lingering hugs. Or smelling his clothes without his knowledge like a freak because it reminds me of how it felt to be close to him.
so our relatives from japan have arrived here in manila yesterday. i wasn't expecting them to have pasalubong for us because they have already announced that they will be funding our ilocos trip and share the expenses with tita vicky. but to our 'ladies' luck (only ladies) we we're surprised that tita libay had brought a huge bag full of make-ups and other cosmetic essentials. and not only make-ups but we are also talking about signature-branded make-ups here; from maybelline and loreal to lancome and shu uemura. like what? are you freakin' kidding meh? huhu. i'm so gonna cry. actually, she have all these stuffs because she is working in a cosmetics company. i'm not sure but one of my cousins said it's shu uemura but based on the stuffs that she came with, i mean with various cosmetic lines (like i've said above) gave me the doubt about her notion; maybe she's working in a company which distribute or sell all these brands. anyways, i was so nervous when i learned that make-ups are what she has brought for us as pasalubong like my legs became really shaky as i ran upstairs to meet them. she had let us picked as many goodies as we want and i have filled half of my bag which is actually a plastic package of hanes shirt. i have collected quite numerous, i could've picked more but i was shy to get too many because i know tita libay has countless other nieces here particularly in Bicol and so i considered getting only what i need. i was just so happy and excited at the same time that i can't tolerate not blogging this. hehe. you know, this event made me realize what i want to try in the future. i told my mother that i am considering working in that same company a few years after like i am really dying to go and work there for the reason that i love make-ups. i love getting all girly and dolled-up. i am pretty sure that i will love my work and be happy with it if ever i could fulfill this dream of mine. hehe. it amazes me to know that i am far from what i was before. before i was really shy and awkward and at times, creepy; i thought, prettifying yourself means you think too much about what other people thinks of you and so i don't have the urge to beautify myself and try on putting these make-ups as well as for the reason that i was afraid it'll only worsen my already not-so-fugly-but/rather-generic face. but now, i gained enough confidence, hopefully it appears beneficial to everybody as it appeals to me. (does that make sense?) i became aware of my physical appearance. i wanted to look presentable in front of other people. i wanted to convince other people that i am in my 20s just by looking like one. ok what am i talking about now? too much drama in a hot afternoon. haha. enough of this na nga. i want to end this entry now but i don't know how to. the ending part of every entry has always been the hardest part for me. really. i'm just gonna leave you like this na lang. haha! bye now! :)
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I hope this isn't uncomfortable for me to say, given our "history", but you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I've been kicking myself all year for messing things up with someone as beautiful and as intelligent as you are. I know it's sometimes hard to believe when someone you trust and care about has convinced you otherwise, (consciously or not) but you are an amazing person. You deserve a relationship with someone who can give as much as they receive from you. You don't even see how pretty you are, or how eloquent, or how kind.
Hello guys! I've been stuck at home for nearly 6 months so yeah... thanks Mom.
Last week, I was stuck in a one week duty, nearly 12 hours each day to complete at a hemodialysis center in our province, I decided to give myself a short rest day, at least.
Last tuesday, my mom and I went at SM Annex and checked out some new clothes for my dying closet and when I saw this, I almost headbang, dragging my mom in the process.
I asked the lady in the counter if they sell the tennis balls but she just frowned at me. Hmph.
Anyway, this is the first time I saw Missha. And I also fangirled after seeing:
AND.....
I really had the urge to get him and bring him home. Oh golly. I wish to be a BB cream sometimes.
Anyway, the day after mom told she'll get Yunho's perfume anytime soon. Hopefully.
So today, thursday, after getting my back pay, I went all over at SM Megamall, which was the nearest one from my old office, and bought everything I wanted to buy so basically, the first stop was at Etude however, I was so intimidated with the sales lady. I need to turn around and tried to ask for assistance which I think, is not really good. Well, I am used to see other branches (read: SM north), the staffs greet me and they offer help which I think I always need because I am so noob in these kind of things. So for the first time, I quite feel frustrated because nothing happened.
Next stop is the Body Shop. Yeah. Hell yeah, when I say the previous one lacks customer experience, this one is a full thumbs up. the lady assisted me, gave me ideas on how I can use make up and products, offered me to give me a free make over and all. She is so nice. And that ends me buying some of their products (read: she looks like Charice Solomon, a Filipina actress btw)
Then I ate at a cheap Japanese restaurant for a short break. IDONTTHINKINEEDTOTAKEAPICTURE OFMYSELFEATING....Alone?
So next is Nature Republic. I was really surprised that aside from them, using organic products to protect your skin, their cheap is lower compared from the other stores I've been to!
The sales lady is cheerful and is also very helpful! I even confessed that I need cheaper ones so that I can use them for my cosplay characters. She is very insightful of the products I need and gave me the cheapest ones however, she told me that quality is assured too, which I believe so since I started to use some of them last year and these are great.
I've bought around 5 products that time and I was issued a membership card (thank God)
Oh btw, some of those things in the other pictures are gifts either from my mom and relatives abroad.
Oh, I bought a primer, highlighter, concealer, eyeliner and fake eyelashes from Nature. I just forgot to take a photo for the one from Body Shop tho.
Anyhow, just a quick photo of my sanity drawer *laughs*
