#magic puns

A teacher at a magic school picks up a small book called 'Magical Diddies for Magical Kiddies' and opens up to a random page, pointing at a spell. "Here! This spell turns your chair into a bean bag."

If you’re at all considering becoming a superhero it’s important to be aware of not only the changes that will occur in your own life, but also the changes that will occur in the world at large. See for a superhero to emerge in the world is a pretty big frikkin’ dealio, especially if you’re the first. Maybe not if you’re like the 347th, then it’s probably a smaller frikkin’ dealio. But still a frikkin’ dealio nonetheless. All it takes is for one superhuman do-gooder to roll up to the club for the whole world to lose its collective mind and take one giant leap towards the strange and paranormal. This is something I like to call: The Weird Factor.

Now, if you’re just going to go out and fight crime without first acquiring powers then this isn’t something you have to worry about much (also, maybe you’ll die). Usually when a costumed, powerless crime-fighter shows up nothing really changes. Maaaaybe you’ll get a few criminals taking up costumes and codenames too, but all that really means is that they’re going to start committing themed crimes based on their assumed identities. If anything, that just makes it easier to catch them. It’s not until someone starts shooting face lasers or being able to punch through the planet, that things get really crazy.

The appearance of a certified, straight-up, super powered individual in the public spotlight creates a domino effect when it comes to the appearance of other out of the normal creatures and events. A mainstream superhero starts a superhuman arms race (side note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the time to mention now that the appearance of a mainstream mystic starts a supernatural charms race). Criminals, now realizing that attaining super powers is within the realm of possibility, start trying to acquire superhuman abilities of their own. which leads to a market need for more heroes which generates more villains and so on and so forth. It’s really just basic economics, so think about that before you go out and start superheroing all over the place inspiring villains to take up arms against you!

Additionally, the acceptance of superhumans by the public will only embolden other irregular creatures to enter into mainstream society. It’s commonly assumed knowledge that vampires and werewolves and molemen and hyper-intelligent apes and sewer mutants and their ilk are hiding out somewhere in the world, (K, the sewer mutants are probably in the sewers but all the other ones!) but they remain in hiding out of fear that they won’t be accepted by the public. Which is totally reasonable. People are terrible. But, once a powerful individual shows up on the scene and is publicly adored and hailed as a hero, all of that fear will recede. Next thing you know the Loch Ness Monster will be holding a public press conference to accept her hide-and-seek-world-champion-even-though-Loch-Ness-isn’t-even-that-deep award and Bigfoot will be publishing a tell-all book titled “My Feet Aren’t Actually That Big I’m Actually Wearing Giant Novelty Slippers That I Found Once, They’re Mad Comfy and BTW My Real Name is Ned.” If you’re looking for a ghostwriter Ned, I’m your guy. Now, these creatures emerging and taking their rightful place in society is by no means a bad thing and should in fact by welcomed with open-arms (my editor wouldn’t let me make another magic pun here, but I wanted to). You just might want to touch base with some of these groups before you expose Paranormal People kind to the world, these aren’t the kinds of people you want being angry at you, ignoring the fact that you may or may not have already antagonized a village mystic in order to get your powers in the first place.

Once the world becomes full of superhuman heroes and villains and all stripes of Para-Folk, the planet will immediately become a lot more interesting. You’ll be putting Earth on the intergalactic map. That’s pretty neat! Or is it? I dunno! Let me lay out some scenarios for you and then let you decide.

Scenario 1: Earth becomes a legitimate intergalactic powerhouse. We’ve got an army of superheroes protecting it. Hyper-intelligent apes are walking around, probably holding public office. We’ve developed an international space fleet, it’s got a pretty boss insignia. Every spaceship has a bowling alley. That’s right you read that right. Earth has space bowling now. But oh now, what’s this? We’re seen as a threat. Other spacefaring races are intimidated by our space bowling and our ape congressman. They come and invade, preemptive strike-mas came early this year. That’s no fun at all. Though I guess it might inspire international unity but at what cost? People will doubtlessly die in this invasion. Plus, after (if?) it’s successfully seen off Earthlings will probably develop a sense of planetary nationalism (planetalism? planationalism?) and cut off all ties to other alien planets.

Scenario 2: Earth becomes the poster planet for intergalactic prosperity. Our superheroes are universally (literally) known and adored. Our acceptance of Para-Folk has received praise and has garnered the respect of the vampire nebula, sewer-mutant galactic empire, and the the werewolf colony living on one of Jupiter’s moons (did you know Jupiter has like 60 moons? Did you know that I had to say like and can’t give an exact number because apparently Jupiter keeps picking up satellites all the dang time? Science has just given up on even giving them real names! Sorry werewolves, hope you enjoy living on S/2003 J23). Earth is a major player in the intergalactic community, trade is established, alliances are formed. Our bowling alley space station becomes a revenue making tourist attraction for the entire solar system. Things are good. But then, uh oh what’s this? Surprise alien invasion! A war-like peace-hating, bowling-abhorring, alien race shows up and their war fleet has an even cooler insignia than ours. Devastation reigns, our allies come to our aid and the invasion is stopped but not before several lives are lost. 

Either way, once you become a public figure you can expect to see at least one alien invasion within your first few months. But but but if you successfully see off one of those invasions that’ll probably discourage other aliens from invading. So that’s good. Or the planet could be destroyed with all life exterminated. That would be lame. So, anyway, once you go public start gearing up for invasion. Good luck!

If fictional superheroes have managed to capture the public’s imagination and fancy one could only imagine what the appearance of a real life superhero would do to both the entertainment and scientific community. Confirmation of the existence of superhuman abilities would serve to break the glass ceiling on what is and isn’t considered physically possible and feasible (and sensible). Get ready (and get amped!) for hover boards and pet robot dinosaurs and time travel and teleportation and faster than light travel, and the return of iPhones with headphone jacks (you read it here first, this was my idea).

Once the seal of weird is broken though, anything that falls under the purview of The Weird Factor is entirely your responsibility not the local law enforcement’s. That’s just the way it is, beat cops aren’t paid enough to deal with rampaging cyborgs or giant sentient rock monsters. I mean, sure, granted, neither are you, but you have superpowers, so stop whining. Nuclear plant meltdown right next to a spider farm? That’s your problem. Super criminal with a freeze ray, that looks like a job for you. Alien invasion, I feel like we already covered this. Time-displaced dinosaur attack, that’s on you too, but on the bright side you live in a very cool town.