#space bowling

Superheroes draw their power from a variety of sources. Radioactive animals, ancient pantheons, wall chargers with USB ports (see what I did there), but some of them get their abilities to shoot energy beams from their toes or steal people’s souls (which is admittedly more of a villain power but kudos to you for using a villain power to do good!) from sources that are literally out of this world. (Note: This post is about people who draw their powers from actual planets and stars, not people who get powers from the Roman deities they are named after.)

If you draw your powers from something out in space, such as the Sun or Pluto or a random meteor, you suddenly have a vested interest in the continued “survival” so to speak of that space thingy. Like if you draw your power from sunlight you definitely want to make sure that the sun doesn’t become extinguished (that’s not the best example because all superheroes should want to make sure the sun doesn’t become extinguished but you’d be extra interested in making sure that doesn’t happen.) That could mean that you’ll have to lead the front against things like greenhouse gasses or rogue nations firing nukes into the sun or space monsters who want to eat the sun. So start training for stuff like that.

You’ll also want to make sure you’re on the cutting edge of astronomical knowledge and being kept abreast on updates about the well-being of your spacey-power-patron. Like the average person doesn’t hear much about Sedna these days, but if your powers are linked to Sedna, then you’re going to want to know how it’s doing. But there you run into a problem. You can’t just text NASA or whomever and ask how your space object is doing. For one, there’s not a texting hotline for that. For two, you don’t want people knowing that your powers linked to some external object. If that information gets out you can be sure some super-jerk is going to go and wreck it. They’ll go launch their skull shaped spaceship and just blow up Makemake! (That’s one of the several non-Pluto dwarf planters in our solar system, named for Makemake from the Rapa Nui mythology of Easter Island, it has the codename {apparently dwarf planets get codenames, like they’re spies or something} “Easterbunny.” See this blog is highly educational!) 

So in order to keep abreast of the situ-space-tion (oh my goodness) without revealing highly sensitive information about yourself to the super-criminal community I suggest getting yourself a secret identity job in the astronomical community. 

Lucky for you one of the side effects of the “Weird Factor” that kicks into action when superheroes arrive on the scene is a huge boom in the field of astronomy. Suddenly the human race is interacting with hundreds of previously unheard of alien species and planets, and also now Earth has access to people who can breathe in space. So with this vast expansion of the field you can be sure that there will be plenty of new jobs in it available. Even if you’re not particularly science-minded you can get a non-sciencey job in one of the many new facilities that will doubtlessly be opened. You can become a janitor or a cafeteria-server or work in the astronomy gift shop! (Where they sell moon shaped buttons and heavily discounted clearance eclipse glasses!) Just keep your eyes and ears open for any information on your favorite power-granting astronomical body. 

Some superheroes have power that remain inert until they are put into an environment that doesn’t even exist on their planet. So they never even realize that they have powers until they step foot on an alien planet and discover that they’re super strong or super-fast or can turn wine into water. Many aliens actually come to Earth for that very reason. These superheroes also become fiercely defensive of the planet where they have superpowers and become some of the most ardent defenders of it. So if someone ever offers you the chance to go to an alien planet, take it, you might just become a beloved alien superhero.

Other beings gain their power from astronomical bodies in a rather unconventional way (as far as absorbing powers by bathing in the rays or just by muttering an incantation praising the astronomical body or literally channeling antimatter from a black hole through one’s eyes can be considered conventional,) they gain power through digestion. They straight up eat entire planets. Rude. Most of these beings are absolutely friggin ginormous, which makes sense if the Jupiter is supposed to be the size of a donut-hole to them. They are also almost all villainous. You kind of have to be if you’re going around eating planets. Unpopulated planets are a finite resource, so it’s easier to just avoid all that moral-philosophy hand-wringing and just eat populated ones right off the bat. Since you are a superhero you need to fight them. As a superhero who draws his or her powers from an unpopulated planet in the Andromeda Galaxy you need to fight them now. To fight them I recommend getting all your friends together and building a giant decoy planet that is laced with poison or something. Or that just tastes so bad that they end up swearing off planets all together. Or that tastes so good that they go on a completely synthetic planet diet. You have plenty of options. You could also try finding a friendly giant space-faring being that will punch them for you. Or you can even try just reasoning with them. Often these beings are fueled by hunger not malice and if you can find them a bunch of tasty unpopulated, non-power giving, all around useless, yet still delicious, flavor is key here, planets they’ll most likely just go eat those instead.

If you’re at all considering becoming a superhero it’s important to be aware of not only the changes that will occur in your own life, but also the changes that will occur in the world at large. See for a superhero to emerge in the world is a pretty big frikkin’ dealio, especially if you’re the first. Maybe not if you’re like the 347th, then it’s probably a smaller frikkin’ dealio. But still a frikkin’ dealio nonetheless. All it takes is for one superhuman do-gooder to roll up to the club for the whole world to lose its collective mind and take one giant leap towards the strange and paranormal. This is something I like to call: The Weird Factor.

Now, if you’re just going to go out and fight crime without first acquiring powers then this isn’t something you have to worry about much (also, maybe you’ll die). Usually when a costumed, powerless crime-fighter shows up nothing really changes. Maaaaybe you’ll get a few criminals taking up costumes and codenames too, but all that really means is that they’re going to start committing themed crimes based on their assumed identities. If anything, that just makes it easier to catch them. It’s not until someone starts shooting face lasers or being able to punch through the planet, that things get really crazy.

The appearance of a certified, straight-up, super powered individual in the public spotlight creates a domino effect when it comes to the appearance of other out of the normal creatures and events. A mainstream superhero starts a superhuman arms race (side note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the time to mention now that the appearance of a mainstream mystic starts a supernatural charms race). Criminals, now realizing that attaining super powers is within the realm of possibility, start trying to acquire superhuman abilities of their own. which leads to a market need for more heroes which generates more villains and so on and so forth. It’s really just basic economics, so think about that before you go out and start superheroing all over the place inspiring villains to take up arms against you!

Additionally, the acceptance of superhumans by the public will only embolden other irregular creatures to enter into mainstream society. It’s commonly assumed knowledge that vampires and werewolves and molemen and hyper-intelligent apes and sewer mutants and their ilk are hiding out somewhere in the world, (K, the sewer mutants are probably in the sewers but all the other ones!) but they remain in hiding out of fear that they won’t be accepted by the public. Which is totally reasonable. People are terrible. But, once a powerful individual shows up on the scene and is publicly adored and hailed as a hero, all of that fear will recede. Next thing you know the Loch Ness Monster will be holding a public press conference to accept her hide-and-seek-world-champion-even-though-Loch-Ness-isn’t-even-that-deep award and Bigfoot will be publishing a tell-all book titled “My Feet Aren’t Actually That Big I’m Actually Wearing Giant Novelty Slippers That I Found Once, They’re Mad Comfy and BTW My Real Name is Ned.” If you’re looking for a ghostwriter Ned, I’m your guy. Now, these creatures emerging and taking their rightful place in society is by no means a bad thing and should in fact by welcomed with open-arms (my editor wouldn’t let me make another magic pun here, but I wanted to). You just might want to touch base with some of these groups before you expose Paranormal People kind to the world, these aren’t the kinds of people you want being angry at you, ignoring the fact that you may or may not have already antagonized a village mystic in order to get your powers in the first place.

Once the world becomes full of superhuman heroes and villains and all stripes of Para-Folk, the planet will immediately become a lot more interesting. You’ll be putting Earth on the intergalactic map. That’s pretty neat! Or is it? I dunno! Let me lay out some scenarios for you and then let you decide.

Scenario 1: Earth becomes a legitimate intergalactic powerhouse. We’ve got an army of superheroes protecting it. Hyper-intelligent apes are walking around, probably holding public office. We’ve developed an international space fleet, it’s got a pretty boss insignia. Every spaceship has a bowling alley. That’s right you read that right. Earth has space bowling now. But oh now, what’s this? We’re seen as a threat. Other spacefaring races are intimidated by our space bowling and our ape congressman. They come and invade, preemptive strike-mas came early this year. That’s no fun at all. Though I guess it might inspire international unity but at what cost? People will doubtlessly die in this invasion. Plus, after (if?) it’s successfully seen off Earthlings will probably develop a sense of planetary nationalism (planetalism? planationalism?) and cut off all ties to other alien planets.

Scenario 2: Earth becomes the poster planet for intergalactic prosperity. Our superheroes are universally (literally) known and adored. Our acceptance of Para-Folk has received praise and has garnered the respect of the vampire nebula, sewer-mutant galactic empire, and the the werewolf colony living on one of Jupiter’s moons (did you know Jupiter has like 60 moons? Did you know that I had to say like and can’t give an exact number because apparently Jupiter keeps picking up satellites all the dang time? Science has just given up on even giving them real names! Sorry werewolves, hope you enjoy living on S/2003 J23). Earth is a major player in the intergalactic community, trade is established, alliances are formed. Our bowling alley space station becomes a revenue making tourist attraction for the entire solar system. Things are good. But then, uh oh what’s this? Surprise alien invasion! A war-like peace-hating, bowling-abhorring, alien race shows up and their war fleet has an even cooler insignia than ours. Devastation reigns, our allies come to our aid and the invasion is stopped but not before several lives are lost. 

Either way, once you become a public figure you can expect to see at least one alien invasion within your first few months. But but but if you successfully see off one of those invasions that’ll probably discourage other aliens from invading. So that’s good. Or the planet could be destroyed with all life exterminated. That would be lame. So, anyway, once you go public start gearing up for invasion. Good luck!

If fictional superheroes have managed to capture the public’s imagination and fancy one could only imagine what the appearance of a real life superhero would do to both the entertainment and scientific community. Confirmation of the existence of superhuman abilities would serve to break the glass ceiling on what is and isn’t considered physically possible and feasible (and sensible). Get ready (and get amped!) for hover boards and pet robot dinosaurs and time travel and teleportation and faster than light travel, and the return of iPhones with headphone jacks (you read it here first, this was my idea).

Once the seal of weird is broken though, anything that falls under the purview of The Weird Factor is entirely your responsibility not the local law enforcement’s. That’s just the way it is, beat cops aren’t paid enough to deal with rampaging cyborgs or giant sentient rock monsters. I mean, sure, granted, neither are you, but you have superpowers, so stop whining. Nuclear plant meltdown right next to a spider farm? That’s your problem. Super criminal with a freeze ray, that looks like a job for you. Alien invasion, I feel like we already covered this. Time-displaced dinosaur attack, that’s on you too, but on the bright side you live in a very cool town.