#m-network

I grew up in a golden age of video games. 

It was SO far back that the shitty cameras we had at the time couldn’t even capture its true splendor.

And while the local Diamond Jim’s or Aladdin’s Castle provided refuge for hundreds of awkward 80′s kids, the true solution for the socially inept was in home gaming.

Specifically THIS gorgeous, woodgrain pile of crap.

Before Nintendo had a stranglehold on America’s unkempt youth, Atari was fucking KILLING it.

And when Atari’s stable of titles started rotting on the vine, they opened the party up to third-party vendors: Activision, Imagic, M-Network, Data Age, Spectravision, Epyx & a host of others.

Even toy companies like Parker Brothers & Mattel were getting in on the act.

And yes, you could say that most of these games were fucking HORRIBLE.

And you’d be right. 

Hell, look at Neal Schon’s face. Even HE knows this game’s a piece of shit.

To this day, I’m sure how ANY of these sprites are representative of either Journey OR their album “Escape.”

Wait minute.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. 

Regardless, I played the SHIT out of "Journey: Escape” because, well, THIS was as good as the gameplay got at the time.

Which proves that kids back then would give ANY GAME a chance. 

If they hated it, there were hundreds more games at Service Merchandise or K-Toy & Hobby to choose from, whether they were on shelves or marked down 75% in clearance jail.

Personally, I played a LOT of shitty games. And for reasons I’ve already covered, I was fine with my arsenal of video game trash.

Which is why I regret that I never played THIS on the Atari 2600:

Yeah, that’s not Photoshopped. That’s 100% real. 

(If you can’t stand Limey Dragon’s voice, just turn the sound down. His channel’s worth checking out, if only for his Let’s Play 2600 series.)

But yeah. This game’s fucking RIDIC. And it actually looks kind of fun. You know, in a 2600 way.

You play as Pee Wee.

Noooooooooo. Not THAT Pee Wee. THIS one:

You know, the one who never worked again.

And apart from the lameness of basing your video game’s default board on Frogger,

you’re essentially dodging & weaving Miss Ballbreaker

after spying on a pixelated shower scene,

while ALSO trying not to get caught by Porky.

I think.

Although Porky & Miss Ballbreaker pretty much look the same, except for their color & the fact that Porky might have a hat & abnormal gunt.

Still, there’s some pretty sweet pole-vaulting action that I’ve never seen in an Atari 2600 game.

Yeah, it’s sort of lame at times. And the graphics are piss-poor. But when you think about it, the source material could be accused of the same.

If anything, I would’ve played this a HELL OF A LOT MORE than ANY of those worthless Swordquest games.

But that’s a regret for ANOTHER day...