Regret-A-Day-Again

Can’t get into why at this moment.

I’m fine. This isn’t a red flag.

Just found out this morning that someone who’s been a huge part of my life for a long damn time is now gone. 

He was my creative wake-up call. He was my nonstop creative inspiration. He was my reason to start writing & never stop.

And now more than ever, I see no need in expending creative energy in frivolous directions. 

I regret that I’ve lived this much of my life without knowing the joy of THIS Tumblr:

It’s ridiculously goofy, random scenes that never actually happened between the members of the Traveling Wilburys.

You know, the late 80′s supergroup that included a Beatle,

a wannabe Beatle (or as they’re known in the wild, a WannaBeatle),

a young guy who ripped off Bob Dylan’s vocal delivery, an old guy who ripped off Bob Dylan’s vocal delivery even more

& a guy who was at least partially responsible for all of their careers.

Yep. It’s all those guys, but filtered through Bizarro world. Reading through the Incorrect Wilburys entries, it’s like a twisted, all male version of “Golden Girls” set in a mirror universe. 

It’s one of those ideas that I regret I didn’t do first. Flash fan fiction that’s brilliant in its self-awareness of how wonderfully rock geeky & intentionally rock stupid it is. 

I don’t know. Maybe I’m overselling it. 

HERE IT IS.

First off, if you’re not following Today I Learned, get on that. 

It’s sort of random, sometimes weird, always wonderful facts that are all over the board in terms of historical & pop cultural significance. It’s one of the few examples of how to Tumblr correctly.

(whispering) I don’t include my own Tumblr in that category.

Okay, then. Let’s slide into today’s regret, shall we?

As an actor, I’m vitally aware that casting is pretty much everything. It can not only make or break whatever you’re creating, but the perfect casting has the potential to build iconic (even mythic) characters. 

Take Star Wars for instance. 

It’s difficult to see anyone but THESE actors playing those characters. I mean, sure, any Star Wars fan worth their salt has seen all the auditions by people who DIDN’T get cast.  

My favorite being Frederic Forrest’s Han Solo audition.

It’s about the sloppiest, creepiest take on Solo you’ve ever seen. I’m DYING to know why he’s got that fucked-up bandage under his left eye.

Luckily for Forrest, Francis Ford Coppola was casting from the same pool, so Frederic got a juicy role in “Apocalypse Now,” 

along with a certain Star Wars actor, who got a minor one. 

(Although they’d both worked on “The Conversation” years earlier with Coppola, but I’m getting away from the point.)

The thing is, I thought I knew just about every story there was about the pre-pro on Star Wars. But I regret not knowing THIS until just now:

Obviously I knew about that latter, but not the former.

Long story short, Englund auditions for Lance in “Apocalypse Now.”

They tell him he’s too old for the part. Then he auditions for Han Solo.

They tell him he’s too young. Dude just can’t catch a break.

Englund goes home totally crestfallen. Well, I’ll let him tell the rest: 

So, yeah. Apparently, Mark Hamill owes a semi-stunning career to THIS dude:

It obviously worked out well for everyone involved. And as much as I dig Robert Englund, I can’t see the chemistry being as tight if he’d been cast as Solo.

And let’s face it, Harrison Ford would’ve been fucking ABYSMAL as the bad guy in “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.”

I’d like to thank my brain for mashing up THIS song

with THIS song.

What a glorious, nonstop party it’s been in my head, everybody. My only regret is that you I can’t somehow transfer this abortion of a mashup as I hear it in my brain into the heads of everyone reading this (which is probably 4 people tops).

For now, this extremely lazy Bob Seger GIF will have to do:

You’re probably already wise to the whole Q Anon thing that some delusional Trump fans are part of, right?

Supposedly, there’s some dipshit on Reddit, claiming to be a “governmental inside man,” 

tossing sad assholes “secrets” that are as intentionally obscure as these GOP lemmings are obtuse.

Yeah, I obviously regret that there are people out there stupid enough to actually think that THIS dumbfuck is passing them subliminal messages whenever he scratches his balls.

But here’s what I regret more: that these dullards are so short on imagination that they picked the ONE letter that already stands for at least THREE cooler cultural references than their monumental groundswell of idiocracy: 

THE MOST OBVIOUS ONE

Although maybe it’s only obvious to us liberals. That might explain why Republicans were oblivious to the fact that the LGBTQ movement essentially OWNS this letter outright & proudly.

THE SORTA’ OBVIOUS ONE

Even though I’ve never met a Republican Trekkie, I’m sure they’re out there. Considering the Trump supporters’ Q is an all-seeing, all-knowing being, this sadly lines up with naming it after this TNG character.

THE LEAST OBVIOUS ONE

I saw “Q: The Winged Serpent” at a drive-in theater. It had a lot in common with a Trump rally: cheap, terrifying, stupid & with all the charisma of Michael Moriarty.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, pay no attention to anything out there involving the Q Anon movement.

But DEFINITELY watch “Q: The Winged Serpent” as soon as humanly possible. 

Or TNG. It’s your call.

What do these TV shows have in common?

If you guessed “they’re all borderline unwatchable,” “never seen one episode” or even reacted with indifference, you’re on the right track. 

They’re all getting reboots. 

And it’s not the rebooting that I regret necessarily. I regret the fact that some of these have ALREADY been rebooted before. 

Hell, “The Munsters” have been rebooted TWICE:

“The Munsters Today” (1988-1991)

As you might imagine, this was about the worst thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. And for that reason, it lasted 3 fucking seasons. Because the 90′s. 

“Mockingbird Lane” (2012)

Lasted exactly ONE episode, a Halloween special, but wasn’t picked up. Listen, when Eddie Izzard can’t save it, maybe it wasn’t meant to be saved.

What comes down to is this: we live in a MUCH different time. Maybe it was all fine & good to watch Gabe Kaplan ogle Wonder Woman in the original “Battle of the Network Stars” back in the day,

but that shit just don’t play now. 

Plus, that show was just unbearable to watch. Although I guess it wasn’t as bad as THIS, 

which I’m sure is coming to Netflix in 2019. 

I regret that I just learned about a subgenre of hip-hop called “emo rap.”

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen one word I hate alongside one word I love, crammed so needlessly together. 

Well, maybe the first time I realized Christian Metal existed.

And since I started writing this post (maybe 10 minutes ago), I regret finding a Christian Metal list, which compares REAL metal with their Christian counterparts.

Seriously. According to 80schristianmetal.com, if you like Rush, you’ll love Tritan. Are you hardcore Priest fan? Messiah Prophet might be your speed. Enjoy Queensrÿche? Maybe you’ll dig RECON. 

And if you’ve been into Iron Maiden since birth, ditch Satan & bow to THESE holy rockers:

But back to “emo rap.” I fell down this tattooed rabbit hole because of 2 events that somehow passed in front of my cyberweb eyes.

1) Learning about the existence of Lil Peep

He died of a Fentanyl-Xanax overdose. I may hate the sounds he made, but I draw the line at making fun of someone who passed away so young. Unless it’s Jesus. But we’ve already covered that. 

2) A Spotify ad for the new Lil Pump album

He’s not technically “emo rap.” More on the trap side. But he looks like a drug-addled prostitute from a “Fifth Element” fan film. 

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m giving up subgenres in exchange for spending the rest of my life listening all the Christian Metal bands that sound like Enya.

I’ve been thinking about Virtua Cop lately.

I played the ASS out of this game back in 1994. And I regret that it goes on a long list of video games I NEVER beat. 

Funny how dated it looks now. But only a year later THIS killer shit came out, 

which basically borrowed the formula, improved on the graphics tenfold & amped the whole thing the F up.

And yet, I never beat Time Crisis either. 

The Bee Gees have always gotten a bum rap. 

I mean, of COURSE they have. Just look at those handsome dullards. 

But seriously, if you grew up in a certain era, you’re probably guilty of shaking booty to something off of THIS album at least once.

I’d be a hypocrite if I held it against you. 

Because the Bee Gees are basically blamed for the rise of disco. 

Yeah, they’re easy marks. And yeah, they churned out disco like it was going out of style.

But they’re only partially responsible. I’d testify on the stand against Donna Summer before I ratted out the brothers Gibb.

The thing is, it took me another decade to discover the Bee Gees’ earlier sonic masterpieces. Take this half-assed Beatle knock-off, for example:

It’s actually a pretty cool record (if you can look past the fact that most of the songs are one note off from “Revolver” tracks, altered just enough to avoid a lawsuit).

Then there’s THIS song from a few years later:

The first time I heard it, I was fucking hooked. It erased years of disco-related atrocities they might’ve committed in the name of coke & cash.

Everything about "Walking Back to Waterloo” put me in a specific mood that I can’t describe. Let me just say that I once listened to it for an entire day, over & over, because I felt like I needed a good, long cry. 

Not saying it has that effect on me every time I listen to it, but during that low point in my life, there was something really fulfilling about allowing this song to pull those sunken emotions to the surface. 

It’s still a song I keep coming back to.

And that’s why I regret that I’ve discovered THIS:

It’s the “Walking Back to Waterloo” 45 played at 33 1/3. And it’s kind of wrecking me right now. Like in a way that makes me never want to listen to the normal version ever again.

I know it doesn’t make any sense. But it’s like discovering this song all over again in the most wonderful way.

I also regret that I’ll never know anything about the mysterious YouTube channel I found it on.

She’s only got about 9 videos here,

all of which are more of the same, simply slowed-down singles. 

Maybe it was just a phase she went through. Guess it didn’t exactly set the world on fire.

Still, I give her full credit for making me never being able to hear this Bee Gees song the same way again. Now to see if the same thing will happen when I listen to Player.

Over the past few weeks, MeTV has been showing THIS show from the very beginning of the series:

I gotta say, when this show originally came out, you couldn’t keep me from watching it every week. Because, as we all know, kids could absolutely NOT get enough Star Wars-related entertainment after 1977. 

And since we didn’t have Darth Vader’s big dick coming out of our left ear, 

& IG-I-don't-know-what coming out of our right,

we were fucking STARVED for anything even RESEMBLING that shit. If it had the words “star” or “wars” (or somebody had busted a nut in a thesaurus & come up with a show/movie that used the words “space” & “conflict”), we were ALL FUCKING IN.

That’s where Battlestar Galactica entered the picture. 

And now that I’m watching it, I’m realizing how painfully slow & laborious it is. The pose you’re about to see is LITERALLY the most exciting thing that happened in the 2nd episode.

They held that tableaux for a painful 15 minutes. 

And of course I’m bullshitting you because that scene never happened. Because the original “Battlestar Galactica” isn’t really that good. In fact, it’s SO un-good that my pal Eric Webster (pictured below)

suggested something 2 old farts could do while sitting in their respective houses watching a show from 1978 as it aired again 40 years later: write goofy, off-the-cuff commentary, while watching it.

With no frame of reference, here are a few I came up with (caveat: we gave up after enduring the 2-part pilot, "Saga of a Star World,” so these are geared at that total fuckus):

Yeah, they all fall somewhere in the pedestrian/smutty spectrum. And since this stupid little experiment was just between us, I figured that was an apt assessment.

Well, we missed the 3rd episode last Saturday night, so we basically gave this up early on. But I regret that I’ve had the “Battlestar Galactica” theme in my head ever since:

Not because it’s bad, but because the theme is better than ANYTHING in the series. Well, except for maybe  Dr. Smith voicing a character named Lucifer.

This was essentially my ongoing playlist in 1981:

These 8 albums shaped me as pre-teen. And as much as I regret that my interests didn’t veer off into any of THESE territories during that particular year,

I’m cutting myself some slack. Because 11-year-olds aren’t that cool.

They’re just not.

No matter how cool you think your 11-year-old son/daughter/niece/nephew is, I guarantee that their musical tastes are flavor-of-the-month.

And yeah, you could argue that cooler music is more accessible now, so maybe they ARE listening to cool shit. 

But probably not. 

And I’m not talking about shit that YOU as an old person introduced to them. Because that just solidifies my point. If it weren’t for THESE nutty, groundbreaking, genre-shaping albums (& subsequent albums released years after) from back in the day, 

your son/daughter/niece/nephew wouldn’t have access to cool shit today.

My point is, 11-year-olds aren’t rock tastemakers.

But that’s not the ultimate point to today’s post. 

Another staple of my 1981 rock diet was THIS album:

"The Stroke” seemed to be blasting from every direction: boomboxes, car radios, roller rinks, fast food joints, you name it. 

Who was I to resist?

The thing is, I never actually owned this whole album. My best friend Tim Crutchfield did. 

He’s also the person who gave me a vinyl copy of THIS album at my 11th birthday party,

which got immediately shuffled into my ongoing 1981 playlist. In fact, if it wasn’t for Tim, none of these albums would’ve made much of a dent on me:

He was HUGE fan of Rush, Genesis, Journey, ALL that shit already. So, huge props to Tim Crutchfield for creating this monster.

Anyhoo, he owned EVERYTHING Billy Squier put out. And once “The Stroke” became part of 1981′s consciousness, it only validated Tim’s ability to manipulate the rock zeitgeist. 

But these were days before I was really aware of THIS band:

Yet another group I can thank Tim Crutchfield for introducing me to. (In fact, he let me “tape” THIS mammoth, career-spanning fucker after it came out:)

So, what do Billy Squier & Led Zep have in common?

Listen to Squier’s “Lonely Is The Night”: 

Now listen to Zeppelin’s “Nobody’s Fault But Mine”:

And that’s just ONE example throughout his catalog. 

Hell, “Don’t Say No” is FILLED with Zeppelin riffs, not to mention the fact that Squier REALLY sounds like he’s doing a Robert Plant impression.

This isn’t some new revelation. People have probably been saying it for years. In regards to “Lonely Is The Night,”

but whatever.

My regret is that I can’t decide if I CARE or actually DON’T care. If I cared about this, would I have to stop listening to Tom Waits because of his nearly spot-on Captain Beefheart impression that he’s been cultivating for years?

Probably not.

I’ve been listening to Squier since 1981 & I suppose it hasn’t caused the universe to fold in on itself yet, so fuck it, right?

I’ve been burning through THIS book lately:

Besides being written by one of the longest-running writers/showrunners of “The Simpsons,” Mike Reiss is (as you might guess) REALLY funny. He even starts the book out by saying that it’s structured like your average Simpsons script (& by that I mean any of the decent ones written within the first 9 seasons): 

it’s broken up into 3 acts & seriously delivers in terms of mixing the heart-warming with the hilarious.

There’s a treasure trove of Simpsons trivia & behind-the-scenes stuff that I could go into, but the only thing that applies to THIS post is what he said his Mom said about Mike’s birth.

Apparently, she was watching “Monsieur Hulot's Holiday” in the theater & she laughed so hard at what was going on in the film, she went into labor with him.

I had to look that film up once I read that passage because it sounded familiar. Or rather the character’s name did. Because it turns out to be the first film (out of 4) that features the character of Monsieur Hulot (played by the director of all the films, Jacques Tati).

The 2nd film turned out to be “Mon Oncle,” which I’ve seen before, although mostly in college dorm rooms thanks to THIS poster:

But I’ve never seen “Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday.” And I regret that, considering how goofy the trailer is.

You bet your ass I’m about to rectify that regret ASAMFP. Looks like it MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT be on Netflix (??).

Okay, maybe not. Doesn’t matter. Because like everything, I’ll probably end up owning it.

And since it’s Criterion, I’ll probably go all-in for the box set.

So, we’ve been presenting some creative for a hospital lately. And the hospital’s agency of record has a name that’s REALLY close to the name of this game from the 80′s:

And now “CROSS-FI-YUHHHHH” is stuck in my head. But I don’t regret that. Hell, the slappy synth bass alone on this thing makes me INCREDIBLY happy. 

I essentially regret that I never owned this game as a kid.

A friend of mine did. I think we played it about 5 times during our entire friendship. And I sort of regret that we didn’t play it more. 

But like a lot of games that you don’t own, YOUR excitement is basically a boner-killer for the person who does own it. For instance, I used to sleep over at another friend’s place. A pair of brothers, who’d just gotten THIS the previous Xmas.

The entire weekend I was over, I’d pop out of bed around 4:30 am & play TimePilot. 

So fucking cool.

Well, eventually their mom got pissed that I was waking people up with all the noise, having just discovered after about 6 hours of playing the Smurf game that it was fucking horrible/unbeatable.

Well, it was that AND the fact that I was equally addicted to THIS piece of shit show for reasons that had NOTHING to do with Plastic Man:

Okay, so I’m getting off-topic. Back to the subject at hand.

“CROSS-FI-YUHHHHH!”

I also regret that I didn’t know that this obsessive game actually had a predecessor. 

Just look at those cool, fucking graphics.

But mostly I regret that even if I WANTED to play Crossfire today, I couldn’t afford to do so.

Look, I’m not gonna mince words here. I regret every-fucking-thing about this:

Maybe I should clarify. 

I’m perfectly fine with a photo of a woman in the shower. It’s obviously what she’s doing WHILE she’s showering.  

In other words, I regret that this product exists:

Shower curtain liners with pockets for ALLLLLLLLLL your devices. 

Which basically means this:

Sorry, but while there’s still blood pumping through my veins, that’s just bound to keep happening.

What I meant to say was that THIS shit is now possible:

Yes, now you can fake gamble on your iPhone, while watching some garbagey Netflix series. And during ALL this, you’re too distracted to do what you SHOULD be doing in the shower: 

Then you’re an hour & 45 minutes late to work, but so many people have bought into this useless shower liner bullshit that eventually being late to work (or “slowpoking” as the kids start calling it) becomes so commonplace that productivity in the U.S. hits an all-time low, yet nobody cares because thankfully every American got an equal opportunity to binge-watch the controversial reboot of Goddamned “Riptide” from Netflix that nobody really wanted, yet nobody can really resist, since now the main characters are strong genderfluid ass kickers, who battle a different cisgender villain every week, which gets picked up for a 2nd season an hour after the 1st season dropped, even though it’s about as entertaining as the original “Riptide” (which, let’s face it, wasn’t very), but mostly people keep watching because of all the in-joke, meta, 80′s guest stars who show up in the role of “Chief,” who dies by way of an alpaca in every episode (which might have something to do with the fact that the show is partially funded by Tippi Hedren’s newest wildlife preserve/demented cash-grab), as well as the irresistible antics of the trap music robot, who “really steals the show” (Newsweek) & “adds a hip shine to this old chestnut” (Tiger Beat Qatar), regardless of the fact that trap music is totally played-out & everybody knows it, but are afraid to admit it, since the contrarians of the world have been shunned & excommunicated by the current president, who goes by the non-binary moniker ∑œπ7 in order to “hit every demo” & never offend anybody, since the Left has gone SO Left that they’ve purged the world of anyone who’s not Left ENOUGH, even going so far as funding public executions targeting people who have 80′s "preppie”/Reagan voter/Trump supporter anywhere in their bloodline just to cleanse the party & it all started with THIS fucking shit:

She has this power over me. I honestly can’t explain it.

Just so you know, the dude writing this gets some of his best thinking done in the shower, so I guess I’m not understanding the point of cramming even MORE browsing/surfing/gaming time into an already digitally crowded day.

I mean, even though I can’t relate to the above logic, I get it. Obviously, this is made for anybody younger than me. 

Well, at least I can sleep well tonight, knowing it’s clearly made in the USA.

I regret the existence of this commercial:

Yeah, it’s a commercial for Walmart, which might be enough to regret. 

Yeah, it’s the result of some lazy Creative at some low-grade shop selling across a “concept,” the alpha & omega of their idea being buying the rights to a SONG.

Those are perfectly good reasons to regret this weak sauce. But at its core, this regret is sort of a combination of both. 

Every time I see this commercial, I wonder how much Gary Numan is making off of it, considering it’s his song.

Does he even give a care about how shitty Walmart is? And if he does, do his monetary needs outweigh his ethical ones? And if that’s the case, did he also lend this song to Pixar?

(I wouldn’t know. I never saw any of those flicks.)

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I regret that I’m even thinking about these questions. 

I mean, why the fuck do I care where Gary Numan shops?

Maybe he’s just REALLY frugal. 

Maybe Walmart helps him save on makeup

& wacky hats

& window blinds

& post-apocalyptic desert wear.

Or maybe he gave them the song for the same reason Michael Caine agreed to star in “Jaws The Revenge.”

He just wanted another story on his house. 

Or in Numan’s case, he just wanted another fucked-up, life-sized demon statue for his front lawn.

I joke around a lot on this stupid forum. But I’m gonna be serious for a minute.

As much as I’m not a fan of labels, I consider myself a Liberal. Everything I inherently believe lines up with their ideology:

• Empathy for anyone not in my situation • Deep love of the arts & funding for such • A need to continually learn & evolve

A progressive way of thinking that isn’t putting erasing/reliving the past as its top priority, but rather taking what we’ve experienced & building on it.

I’m saying all this because, like everyone, I’ve been guilty of not sticking to all of these ALL of the time. 

No one can. We all have moments of slippage. That’s being human. 

As you all know, we live in a heated climate right now, full of lies, hate-filled screaming & vitriolic finger-pointing that seems like a Goddamned nightmare with no foreseeable end.

Being on the “correct side” isn’t even important anymore. Because EVERYONE’S on the “correct side.”  Because that’s what EVERYONE believes.

In other words, I’m not saying my fellow Liberals are correct on every issue. 

No one can be. We all have moments of slippage. That’s being human.

What I’m saying is that, as Liberals, we’re so fucking passionate about every damn issue & we’ve been pushed, shoved & told our moral causes are shit lately that we’re battling each other as much as (& sometimes MORE than) the people we’re SUPPOSED to be at odds with. 

Not that we NEED to be “at odds” with anybody. If we have a massive flaw, it’s our empathy. 

But I regret that because we face a day-in, day-out assault for being that way, our powerlessness causes us to lash out at people who are actually our allies. 

Look, this isn’t coming out perfect. But I’ll reiterate the theme of this post: No one is. We all have moments of slippage. That’s being human.

• All I ask is that the next time someone is trying to agree with you, LET THEM.

• If they’re trying to understand a worldview that isn’t theirs, GIVE THEM TIME.

• Most of all, if you recognize that they’re siding with you, ACKNOWLEDGE IT. 

No thank yous. No gold stars.

Just acceptance. After all, it’s what Liberals are SUPPOSED to be good at.

Sometimes all we need is a level set to show that we’re ALL on the same side against something incredibly oppressive. 

This fucking bullshit needs to get the fuck out of my head:

The worst part about this is that I essentially wasted 15 minutes of my life researching Strawberry Alarm Clock just to see if there was more to this band beyond this psychedelic poseur pablum.

SPOILER ALERT: THERE ISN’T.

There’s so little creative substance to this band of fake hippies that they’re forced to relive their heyday in the most embarrassing ways.

Sidenote: I never match my socks. And here’s why: what’s the point?

I feel like we already go through our lives doing meaningless, menial shit. By not taking the time to gather them from the dryer, match them up & put them away, I’m somehow adding days/weeks/months to my life in the long run.

And yet, I regret that I’ll enjoy 15 minutes LESS on my deathbed because of the fucking Strawberry Alarm Clock.

THIS guy knows what I’m talking about:

Ditto THAT guy with the sitar (sort of):

But not THESE guys: