#lupus rant

I use to to take anxiety medicine when I was in school. Mainly because of my Lupus I had this extreme fear of death and I had a lot of social anxiety. After I got out of school I slowly stopped taking it. I didn't want to be dependent on it, like I wanted to be mentally strong on my own. I always thought like when I get out there and meet people specially guys I don't want them to know I take anxiety medicine because of being afraid of death. I mean I take one in the morning and I also take another that is  used for sleeping. It's an antidepressant but it helps for sleep. So to say I take two different things once in the am and once in the pm I have always been afraid people will judge my sanity I guess. I just want to be mentally and physically stronge by myself.

But recently I realized how much I need my morning anxiety medicine. Specially after my recent falir up. Like normally my flair ups don't last thing long. But my anxiety is so bad that I don't sleep anymore and I have constant headaches and I always fear Im dying. Today was the first day in months that I have took it. I think Im coming to terms with the fact that I will always need my anxiety medicine and I have to figure out a way to climb over that hill of being okay with it. I also have to figure out how to be strong enough to not depend on it. It's like I don't want to start feeling anxious and then think "Oh just take the pills and everything will be fine" I want to be able to tell myself that everything will be okay and I will believe it. 

Honestly lately my anxiety and my depression has made me so insecure. Like I've been insecure about my personality or like my ability to do things. And I've always had minor things that I don't like about myself like everyone does. But recently it's been so bad where I think maybe I'll always be alone. Like I'll always have my friends and my family but I'll never find someone who will love me. I talked to an old friend the other night. In high school he was my best guy friend and he's always had feelings for me, like he puts me on this pedestal where he act's like I'm perfect or something. He asked if I have found my "prince charming" yet and I said no. Then he went on this rant where he couldn't believe that I "turn every guy down" how I don't see how "beautiful" that I am. But that's the thing. There isnt and guys that I turn down. Im not this girl that get's attention from guys like he thinks. It's easy for me to forget about until he brings it up because then Im just reminded how along I really am. Now Im sure a lot of you are like 'if he has feelings for you then why not date him' but for people who don't know us wouldn't understand that him and I are not fit to be a couple. I think him and I have way to many demons on our own that neither of us will ever be strong enough for eachother.