They return to Aziraphale’s bookshop after the Ritz, without having to discuss it. Crowley follows Aziraphale into the back room unquestioningly, and only stops when Aziraphale does, abruptly. 

Aziraphale takes a deep breath, as though steeling himself to do something. He flexes his hands and bows his head; his decision is made, he just needs to find the courage to follow through with it. He turns around, slowly, and looks up into Crowley’s face. Crowley is watching him curiously; there is concern in the quirk of his eyebrow, fondness in the twist of his lips. Aziraphale wonders how it could have taken him this long to really see.

Well. He sees now, and he intends to do something about it. He looks up - up - and tries to catch Crowley’s eyes beneath the glasses. He is going to do this properly. He is terrified; his hands are trembling, and Crowley has gone rigid, his frown deepening; the pause seems to have lasted several lifetimes, but it cannot really have been more than a few seconds.

‘May I?’ Aziraphale asks softly, reaching at last for Crowley’s dark glasses. He moves slowly, giving Crowley more than enough time to stop him. Crowley jerks a tiny nod, swallowing nervously but otherwise frozen in place.

Aziraphale takes the glasses - slowly, gently - folds them ever so carefully and sets them to the side, never once taking his eyes away from Crowley’s face. Crowley’s eyes, revealed now, are wide; his teeth are clenched, hands held stiffly by his sides. Aziraphale takes a steadying breath.

‘May I?’ he repeats, raising his hands to place them, feather-light, on Crowley’s cheeks, cupping his face with an infinity of tenderness. Crowley opens his mouth, closes it again. Aziraphale waits. One thumb absently smooths itself across Crowley’s cheekbone; Crowley leans into the touch, looking pained, as if he cannot stop himself.

‘Angel -’ he croaks, finally moving to reach up and catch Aziraphale’s wrists in his long fingers. ‘Angel - stop.’

‘Oh,’ Aziraphale starts to draw back, but Crowley’s grip, though loose, does not let him get far. ‘Oh, I - I’m terribly sorry, I thought - that is, I was under the impression that you - never mind, I shan’t - we -’

‘Aziraphale,’ Crowley interrupts. ‘You - I’ve wanted this for so long.’ His voice is tense, hardly more than a whisper. He closes his eyes, as though he cannot bear to see Aziraphale’s reaction to his next words. ‘You have to be sure,’ he says. ‘You can’t…’ He stops. Opens his eyes. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Oh, my dear,’ breathes Aziraphale, smiling beatifically and moving forwards once more. ‘Of course.’

Laika: (voice-over) Earth. They called it that, because they were standing on it. I left because – well, I suppose there are a number of reasons I left, but I was never told them, because I’m a dog. That’s right, Laika here. They call me that because I like things. (laughter) Only joking. It’s Russian for ‘barker’. Yes, I’m Russian. And female, actually. And dead, although I still don’t know why. But, you know how you’re not supposed to leave a dog in a car with closed windows? Well, I was put in a rocket and shot into space. But why choose me to tell the story of a man who two years ago was tasked with saving the world? Is it because it didn’t go very well? Or, because Martin Gay, a man who on the third of November 2016 was sent through an alchemist’s mirror into a sort of magic space Heaven, a man who there met a fiery angel who ordered him to steal a spanner from a giant robot that would grant him the power to jaunt the length, breadth, and when-th of all of time and space, a man who was then returned to reality from this realm of angels and robots with a specific mission to save his world using innovations he must steal from the future, a plan whose exact logic had yet to be tested – is it because he, like me, is propelled by a technology of higher beings that could be used for both good, and bad things? Or, am I simply telling this story because it will turn out to be a love story, and I am a dog who can never go home? Let’s find out!

Time Spanner, by Simon Kane

The Dan in the High Castle

Laika: (voice-over) It is the year 2018 (SFX: clap of thunder, followed by the sound of hail falling) and through the foot-thick window of a hail-lashed chrome cylinder the one time reality star of Judo TV’s Cash of the Titans surveys his city.

Voice over the intercom: Lord Kraken?

Lord Kraken: Speak.

Voice over the intercom: We’ve picked up their signal, Sir.

Lord Kraken: Excellent work, my Yellowcoats. Bring them to me. Use force if you have to.

Voice over the intercom: Thank you, Lord.

Lord Kraken: At last. Robot, bring me my cape.

Laika: (voice-over) That, as I said, is 2018. On the third of November 2016, Daniel Kraken had none of this. (SFX: sirens) But he did have a branch of Kraken Self-Storage in Brixton, and a loyal receptionist called Martin Gay. And an alchemist’s mirror.

Gabbie: You’re a time traveller!

Laika: (voice-over) That’s Gabbie Hayes, a twenty year old charity mugger.

Martin: Yes. But I’m not weird.

Laika: (voice-over) And that’s Martin Gay, who might be weird. For example, he’s not wearing any shoes. Only this morning, on his fortieth birthday, his boss forced him at gunpoint to pass through an alchemist’s mirror to learn the secrets of the cosmos, so he had to take them off.

Martin: So, are we on? Gabbie?

Angel: This is a terrible idea.

Laika: (voice-over) That’s the fiery angel Martin met on the other side of the mirror, a voice in his head only he can now hear.

Gabbie: On for what?

Martin: Oh, you asked if I wanted a companion, to travel through time and space.

Gabbie: Yeah, as a joke.

Martin: Oh. Okay, I can’t tell when you’re joking.

Gabbie: And that does make you fun. But –

Laika: (voice-over) Martin only met Gabbie this morning, but he’s already decided she – is the light bulb in his lampshade, the food in his fridge.

Martin: But it was a joke.

Gabbie: Yeah, but I thought you were joking. So –

Martin: So...?

Laika: (voice-over) And the universe falls silent as it waits for an answer.

Gabbie: Let’s talk

Laika: (voice-over) Yay!

Martin: Yes!

Gabbie: Cool, but this isn’t a yes.

Martin: Oh, no.

Gabbie: Are you off work at six?

Martin: Ah, great. Do you know the Cat in the Bag?

Laika: (voice-over) Uh, cat!

Gabbie: Pub?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Cool. Get shoes though. I’m not meeting if you’re not wearing shoes.

Martin: Yes.

Gabbie: And not dinner lady ones you had on last time.

Martin: Yeah, no, brilliant. See you at six. (to himself) Oh, fab!

Angel: You fool!

Martin: What?

Angel: This is not why I gave you the Time Spanner.

Martin: You shoved it up my nose, you mean.

Angel: Which is how I’m now communicating to your brain from Heaven, yes? Which hole would you rather I’d use?

Martin: You said I could have a companion.

Angel: And I gave you a companion, remember? Mr Mergatroid?

Martin: I thought Gabbie would be better.

Angel: Better for your nerves than a devoted little flying robot who emits cake?

Martin: I’m not nervous. I’m just happy and excited, my body’s not used to it. Come on, Gabbie will be amazing, travelling together around the – the planet. Not the planet. The sun? Not the sun, too hot. But, uh, you know, other planets, if we can breathe. Can we breathe?

Angel: No.

Martin: Well, not them then. But, to the past, seeing the – I don’t know, the plague! Okay, not the plague. But Gabbie is good at ideas – come on, it’ll be an adventure.

Angel: Adventure is just bad planning. That spanner was very sensitively positioned to allow you to operate it with just a finger up the nose because you are on a mission. To travel to the future and return with technology that will save your world.

Martin: Okay, it will be a cool mission. Oh, what are we bringing back?

Angel: Hm?

Martin: This technology, is it something energy? To do with food?

Angel: Uh, it’s a bit of both.

Martin: Oh, cool.

Angel: It’s qualmian needle beam.

Martin: Qualmian needle beam?

Angel: It’s basically a flesh eating death laser.

Martin: What?

Angel: Which is to be used only for good.

Martin: It’s a weapon?

Angel: Don’t be nervous.

Martin: I am not nervous! I’m just not sure I want to be remembered as the inventor of the flesh eating death laser.

Angel: Well, perhaps I should have entrusted this mission then to your master, Daniel Kraken.

Martin: Uh, well, he does work in security.

Angel: Okay, so that’s supposed to be reverse psychology.

Martin: Oh, yeah. No, that doesn’t really work on me.

Angel: Fine! Fine! Let’s get that thing out of your nose, and you can go and tell Gabbie you –

Martin: Oh, no, yeah, that works. Gabbie. Yeah, okay, I’ll do the mission it if I can do it with Gabbie.

Angel: I still have significant concerns about her effect on your nerves.

Martin: I’m not nervous, Gabbie’s great for my nerves. Uh, right, I don’t really know what to do with myself until six. Although, actually – I am a time traveller, so I could just –

Angel: No, whatever it is –

Martin: Fast forward to six o’clock now!

Angel: Do not put your fingers up your nose. (SFX: gong sound as the Time Spanner is activated) Oh, you utter –

Martin: Oh, Cat in the Bag. Uh, it’s dark.

Angel: Of course. This is what I mean by bad planning.

Martin: What?

Angel: You’re running before you’ve learnt to walk.

Martin: That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I’ve never understood that. (SFX: phone pings) Uh.

Angel: Flip phone?

Martin: Yeah. It’s futuristic. Ah.

Angel: What?

Martin: A hundred and thirty-four missed calls.

Angel: Any messages?

Martin: Yeah. Don’t really want to with that now, though, so –

Angel: Listen to the messages.

Martin: No.

Angel: You have jumped eight hours of your life. You need to listen –

Martin: Just stop telling me what to do, please!

Angel: You are nervous.

Martin: I’m not – (SFX: sound of phone being smashed) Well, I’ve broken it now, anyway, so we can’t – You’re bad for my nerves, not Gab – I needed a new phone anyway. Let’s going.

Angel: Fine. If anyone notices a shoeless man muttering to himself and smashing a phone against a bin. Although, actually, so far –

Martin: Yeah, no, Brixton’s great.

(SFX: pub atmos)

Laika: (voice-over) 2016. The Cat in the Bag. Peeling leather seating banks, random tassels, you know, a bowl of markers in the toilet. Martin loved this pub, and had drunk here at least twice.

Gabbie: Martin Gay!

Martin: Gabbie, you’re – here.

Gabbie: Hello.

Martin: Hello, hello, pion and –

Angel: No.

Martin: – tube. Uh.

Angel: No.

Gabbie: Shake hands.

Martin: Shake hands.

Gabbie: Hello, sitting down. (SFX: sound of chairs scraping against the floor)

Martin: Sitting down. Hello.

Gabbie: So, you’re not dead then.

Martin: What?

Gabbie: Is this what I have to get used to? No offense, Martin Gay, but –

Angel: What is she talking about?

Gabbie: Did you blow it up?

Martin: What?

Gabbie: Where you work.

Martin: Kraken Self-Storage? Blew up?

Gabbie: Yeah.

Angel: Alright, stay calm.

Martin: Wait, who’s dying?

Gabbie: No one! Well, you, but turns out you’re fine. But answer your phone.

Angel: Okay. House meeting. Where can we talk?

Martin: What? Okay, sorry, Gabbie, I just need to – oh, sorry, I haven’t asked what you want to drink.

Gabbie: Just coke and ice.

Martin: Okay I’m going to the toilet for –

Gabbie: Okay. No stroll, though ‘cos they’ve got up turtles.

(SFX: sound of the toilet door opening/closing)

Martin: My workplace blew up.

Angel: Yes, right. So, I’m going to take a break from communicating to you from Heaven to make some enquires my end about the explosion. Do not use the spanner until you hear from me again.

Martin: Oh, you’re going? Okay, cool.

Angel: What?

Martin: No, you’re just doing what you think you should be doing, that’s cool.

Angel: No, Martin.

Martin: Having your voice in my head is not unweird.

Angel: I’m a guardian angel.

Martin: I’m an atheist.

Angel: Excuse me, you’re an atheist? You’ve been to Heaven.

Martin: It had robots.

Angel: Think of me then as your muse.

Martin: Okay.

Angel: Me, not Gabbie.

Martin: What?

Angel: She’s half your age, I mean, she’s twenty. Seriously, next to her, Martin, you look like a bald bear.

Martin: No, it’s not –

Angel: It’s not good. À bientôt. (SFX: sound of fire as the angel disappears)

Martin: Alright.

(SFX: pub music)

Martin: Oh, there we go. Sorry. Sorted everything out now.

Gabbie: Er, shoes?

Martin: Ah. Yeah, I didn’t get them. Sorry. Or your drink, actually. And I haven’t a wallet, it’s in the explosion. Sorry.

Gabbie: What are you doing Martin Gay?

Martin: Hm?

Gabbie: Is it all a bit moment to moment in your life right now?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Yeah, look. Before we go any further – bit embarrassing, but, um, can we just clarify something? You know, get out of the way?

Martin: Um, sure?

Gabbie: Pay.

Martin: Oh, yes.

Gabbie: Cos you said my job’s on pay, but does that mean you’re not getting paid because you have this ‘amazing’ power?

Martin: Yes, I know, I’m sorry.

Angel: We need to talk, now.

Martin: Oh, guys! Sorry.

Gabbie: It’s alright. I’m just saying, one of my jobs could be working out how we get paid. You know –

Angel: (talking over Gabbie) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stop talking to her!

Martin: Sure. Sorry, and I think that’s my phone.

Gabbie: What?

Angel: Thank you!

Martin: I just better take this, in the toilet. Um –

(SFX: sound of the toilet door opening/closing)

Martin: What?

Angel: The Metatron.

Martin: What?!

Angel: The giant robot we stole the spanner from? He blew up your boss’ magic mirror from the Heaven end.

Martin: That was the explosion? Yikes!

Angel: Yes, ‘yikes’. And there are now factions in Heaven veeery angry I gave you this mission.

Martin: To steal a flesh eating death laser.

Angel: Hm.

Martin: What factions?

Angel: The Usual.

Martin: The Usual?

Angel: That’s what they call themselves, yes, ‘The Usual’. Even now, they may be tracing my signal to the spanner in your head to locate you.

Martin: There’s people after me?

Angel: Not yet.

Martin: Okay.

Angel: And not people.

Martin: Hhhhh.

Angel: We need another means of communication between my plane and the physical, something they can’t trace. (pause) Do you have a mirror?

Martin: Uh, I mean, well, there’s –

Angel: Oh, is that a mirror? Over the sink?

Martin: What did you think it was?

Angel: I thought it was just some guy making fun of you.

Martin: Wh –

Angel: Reality is hard. Now, in addition to granting you the power to travel through all time and space – it is just time and space you have, isn’t it?

Martin: Uh, yeah.

Angel: The Time Spanner also lets us communicate through any mirror. But you need to make a sigil. So, do you have a pen?

Martin: Here.

Angel: There’s a bowl of pens in the toilet?

Martin: Uh, yeah.

Angel: Hmm. Okay, draw a line on the mirror, right to left.

Martin: Oh, you’re teaching me magic? Right.

Angel: Stop. Now, down. And left.

Martin: Right.

Angel: Okay, new line. Above where you just left off, draw down.

Martin: Wait, I–

Angel: Quickly!

Martin: Okay.

Angel: Now, left to right. Hurry!

Martin: Are you making me draw a swastika?

Angel: It’s a perfectly innocent symbol.

Martin: Oh my god, it is not!

Angel: You need to mark the mirror with a sigil.

Martin: Give me another.

Angel: (sighs) Well, there’s a circle, of course.

Martin: Great. Why did we start with –

Angel: Quickly. (SFX: sounds of Martin drawing on the mirror) What is that? A circle is one line, draw one line.

Martin: Okay, it’s just harder, standing up, you’re right. Okay. (SFX: sounds of Martin drawing on the mirror) Hang on. I mean, it should have met up by now, but you get the idea.

Angel: Draw a swastika.

Martin: No!

Angel: Hitler didn’t even get it the right way round.

Martin: What?!

Angel: Not that I gave the spanner to him.

Martin: Okay, I’m giving it to my boss.

Angel: The pen?

Martin: No, the Time Spanner. I’m sorry, but this is no fun, I don’t want it anymore. Mr Kraken actually knows about magic and weapons – (SFX: sound of fire)

Angel: Noooo!

Martin: So I quit. Hello? Oh. Have you gone? Well, okay. Over and out?

(SFX: pub atmos)

Martin: So that was – oh, boy. Anyway. Phew.

Gabbie: We don’t have to talk about pay, Martin Gay.

Martin: Sorry, yes, I’m hopeless.

Gabbie: Don’t be sorry. Everyone gets hopeless.

Martin: Not you.

Gabbie: Mate, this year?

Martin: Oh, 2016?

Gabbie: Can all the heroes stop dying, please? Can’t wait to see the back of it.

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: You don’t have to, though. You’re a time traveller. Let’s go to 2017 now, get you some future shoes.

Martin: Uh, ah, no. Actually –

Gabbie: Ah. Is it off?

Martin: How do you read people so well?

Gabbie: I thought we were going on an adventure, Martin Gay!

Martin: Adventure is just bad planning.

Gabbie: Oh, then we already have.

Martin: No, no, it’s just – that was my boss, then, on the phone.

Gabbie: Daniel Kraken?

Martin: Yeah. And he wants the time thing for himself now, so –

Gabbie: So?

Martin: What?

Gabbie: You don’t have to do what he says. You’re holding all the cards, Martin Gay.

Martin: Does that mean I’m winning? I’ve never understood that.

Gabbie: Yeah.

Martin: What card game are you winning if you’re holding all the cards?

Gabbie: Top Trumps!

Martin: It’s a Top Trumps reference?

Gabbie: Yeah. You’ve got the time thing, not Kraken. What do you want to do?

Martin: Oh, I’m terrible at this question. What do you want to do, Gabbie?

Gabbie: I want to see what you want to do.

Martin: I – I do want to want to do something. I mean, I have all this, and you, so I should be –

Gabbie: (interrupting) Taking care of yourself.

Martin: No.

Gabbie: No, you should be taking care of yourself.

Martin: But if it means giving this up, you’re right, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Won’t I?

Gabbie: Don’t know. If only there was some way to find out.

Martin: Yeah. What? (realising) Oh! I’m a time traveller! Gabbie, do you want to come to the future with me and see if I regret –  

Gabbie: Yes, please!

Martin: Right. 2017.

Gabbie: Or further!

Martin: Twenty – eighteen? Okay, so, how it works is that anything I touch travels with me.

Gabbie: You want to touch me?

Martin: No!

Gabbie: Where do you want to touch me, Martin Gay? Joking. Take my hand.

Martin: Thanks. Okay. Now it’s gonna look like I’m picking my nose, but –

(SFX: gong sound as the Time Spanner is activated)

Martin: Oh, what is that in my face?

Laika: (voice-over) Here we are, in 2018.

Gabbie: Hail!

Martin: The Cat’s all boarded up.

Laika: (voice-over) And across the closed pub, a bill sticker reads  –

Martin: Property of the Kraken Empire?

Man’s voice: Hey, you! Stop there. (SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Oh, guys!

Laika: (voice-over) Armed and masked figures in high visibility tabards.

Man’s voice: Over it, now.

Martin: On whose authority? (SFX: sound of Martin being punched) Ouch – guys! Right on the nose.

Gabbie: Hey!

Man’s voice: We’ve located the target, Sir.

Lord Kraken: What’s he look like?

Man’s voice: He looks rubbish.

Lord Kraken: That’s him.

Man’s voice: And a girl.

Lord Kraken: Bring them both.

Man’s voice: Yes, Lord Kraken.

Martin: Daniel Kraken?

Gabbie: Seen enough.

Martin: Now what, Gabbie, can we –

Gabbie: Go meet your boss?

Man’s voice: Into the truck!

Martin: Yeah, I’m just –

Gabbie: Curious? Yeah, totally.

Martin: Coming.

Gabbie: So, we can just hold hands and escape whenever we want, right?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: How’s your nose?

Martin: Yeah, beginning to hurt.

Man’s voice: Get in!

Laika: (voice-over) Hail pounded the truck carrying Martin and Gabbie as it ground north past pictureless hoardings, abandoned cranes, barbed wire and wet grit, until finally, in the highest room of a mistopped chrome cylinder, on the brown banks of a froffing river –

Man’s voice: Kneel before Lord Kraken.

Martin: Ouch.

Lord Kraken: Forgive my Yellowcoats, they can be a little – overzealous. Leave us.

Yellowcoat: Yes, Lord Kraken.

Lord Kraken: Two long years I’ve waited for this. Marty – Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty.

Gabbie: Mar-tin.

Lord Kraken: And the friend who finally led us to you, Miss –

Gabbie: Hayes, thank you.

Lord Kraken: Allow me to introduce myself.

Gabbie: You’re Dan! Now, escape.

Martin: ‘Led us to you’?

Lord Kraken: Tried tracking your phone, Marty, no luck. Pulled the last number you called, tracked that instead.

Gabbie: What do you want with us, Dan? You’ve got the cold dead eyes of a cold dead guy.

Lord Kraken: Oh, there is a fire here, Miss Hayes.

Gabbie: In the flat?

Lord Kraken: You misunderstand me.

Gabbie: Yet I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Lord Kraken: I mean I have a drive. (pause) No.

Gabbie: You’ve got a drive? You live in a flat.

Lord Kraken: Okay. Okay, firstly, this is not a flat.

Gabbie: It’s not a house.

Martin: I live in a house, well, house share.

Gabbie: See, Dan, he lives in a house.

Lord Kraken: Enough!

Gabbie: Issues.

Martin: You’re right. Come on Gabbie, I’ve had enough.

Gabbie: Sure.

Lord Kraken: Holding hands, how touching.

Gabbie: Bye, Dan.

Martin: Bye.

Lord Kraken: And now picking your nose. Less touching.

Gabbie: Bye.

Martin: Ouch. Bye. Ouch.

Gabbie: Bye. (pause) Nothing’s happening!

Martin: Ouch. Oh, god!

Lord Kraken: What are you doing?

Martin: Gabbie, I can’t reach it.

Gabbie: What?

Lord Kraken: Reach what?

Martin: When that guard hit me in the face, I think it must have driven it too far into my – ouch.

Gabbie: You must be able to reach it! Otherwise, how do you go back and give it to Dan?

Martin: Well, I’m hardly going to now.

Lord Kraken: Give what?

Gabbie: Wait, wait, wait. If you don’t give it to him –

Martin: Then how –

Lord Kraken: How what?

Martin: How have you done all this?

Gabbie: Yeah!

Lord Kraken: All what?

Gabbie: Taken over the world?

Lord Kraken: What are you talking about?

Martin: You’ve got an army!

Lord Kraken: Oh, the Yellowcoats! Not strictly speaking mine. Private security force, subcontracted to the Home Office.

Martin: But, ‘kneel before Lord Kraken’?

Lord Kraken: Yeah, a bit overzealous, I said that. But good lads.

Gabbie: Lord Kraken?

Lord Kraken: I was made a Lord, yes. About bloody time. I don’t know where you’ve been, Marty, but I’ve had a good couple of years. Property portfolio’s booming, won that security contract, Cash of the Titans got syndicated to Russia – they love me there. I’ve hardly taken over the world though, I’m in a flat in Vauxhall.

Martin: You’re wearing a cape!

Lord Kraken: It’s a free country.

Mr Mergatroid: Suits you, Master.

Martin: Mr Mergatroid!

Mr Mergatroid: It's the man!

Lord Kraken: Ah, yes, the robot you abandoned.

Gabbie: Wait, what?

Lord Kraken: I did hope he might help the business, actually. I mean, artificial intelligence, anti gravity – but nope, useless.

Mr Mergatroid: Boody cake, Master? Fresh from m’boody.

Lord Kraken: Apart from the cake.

Martin: So, magic had nothing to do with it.

Gabbie: I’ve got questions.

Martin: Yeah, me too. If you didn’t take over the world, then why is everything now so rubbish?

Lord Kraken: What? Oh, thanks a bunch.

Martin: The Cat in the Bag all boarded up.

Lord Kraken: The new Kraken site, yeah. Pubs close down, Marty.

Martin: The deserted streets?

Lord Kraken: It’s hailing.

Martin: But – the drive here, the rubble, the barbed wire, the terrifying giant building works. Okay, that – okay that’s just –

Lord Kraken: That’s Vauxhall.

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Yeah, yeah.

Lord Kraken: Look, Marty, spare me your midlife wobble. 2018 is not rubbish, it’s brilliant! I’ve got a robot, and a cape.

Martin: ‘Midlife wobble’?

Lord Kraken: Your pub closed down, so you think the Nazis took over. You couldn’t be more middle-aged.

Martin: You led us here at gunpoint!

Lord Kraken: Because that’s the only way to get you to do anything. Marty, you had to be forced at gunpoint into Heaven.

Gabbie: Heaven?

Lord Kraken: What did you find on the other side of that scrying glass? Tell me, and I’ll make you a partner in everything we build.

Martin: I don’t want any part of any of this.

Lord Kraken: Of what?

Martin: Of – (mumbles)

Lord Kraken: You’re indicating with your arms literally your entire surroundings.

Martin: Yes!

Lord Kraken: Fine. I’ll use force. Everyone thinks you’re dead already, Marty, and I’m fine with force. Robot!

Mr Mergatroid: Yeah?

Lord Kraken: Take these two down to the interrogation unit.

Mr Mergatroid: The – hospitality popup?

Lord Kraken: The – where we do the focus group.

Mr Mergatroid: Into the lift please. Nyam.

(SFX: ping of the lift)

Martin: Gabbie, I’m sorry.

Mr Mergatroid: I’m sorry too, Marty.

Martin: What?

Mr Mergatroid: What are we sorry about?

Martin: Sorry, can Gabbie and I just –

Mr Mergatroid: Who’s Gabbie?

Martin: Oh, sorry. Gabbie, this is Mr Mergatroid.

Gabbie: Hi.

Mr Mergatroid: Not interested.

Gabbie: Cool. How’s Kraken got a robot?

Mr Mergatroid: Oh. I’m on your side, really.

Martin: Hm? Oh, yes – thanks for not telling him about the Time Spanner.

Mr Mergatroid: I’ve – missed you, buddy.

Martin: Oh, right, I mean – we didn’t really know each other.

Mr Mergatroid: No, but the moment I was made your companion I recalibrated my emotions.

Gabbie: Companion?

Mr Mergatroid: And now, I love you.

Martin: Oh.

Gabbie: Can you let us go, then, please, Mr – Mergatroid?

Mr Mergatroid: No. But I do have something that may help. (SFX: sound of something being taken out) Found them in the explosion.

Martin: You’ve had my shoes inside you for two years?

Mr Mergatroid: I missed you!

Martin: Okay. Maybe, recalibrate your emotions back again – just, you know, just for your own sake.

Mr Mergatroid: But I don’t want to, Marty!

Gabbie: I’m replacing a robot?

Martin: Right, is this the –

Mr Mergatroid: I don’t want to. (pause) Bye!

Laika: (voice-over) Where they do the focus groups.

Gabbie: Right, I spent the last five minutes in my head trying mainly to invent time travel from scratch, and it’s not going great. How are you getting on?

Martin: Well, I got my shoes back. Wait. That massive two-way mirror on the wall behind you. Gabbie, do you have something to write with?

Gabbie: Lipstick?

Martin: Oh, thank you! Now, um – (SFX: sound of drawing on the mirror) There.

Gabbie: You’ve drawn a swastika?! (SFX: sound of Martin being punched)

Martin: Ouch! My nose!

Gabbie: I’m sorry, Martin, but what the hell?

(SFX: sound of fire)

Angel: I attend.

Martin: It worked!

Laika: (voice-over) There in the mirror, and only in the mirror, the blazing angel –

Angel: What happened to you?

Laika: (voice-over) – wreathed in fire.

Martin: You’re the one who left, what happened to you?

Angel: The Usual – I don’t want to talk about it.

Laika: (voice-over) Visible to all.

Gabbie: Hello!

Angel: Hello.

Martin: Oh, Gabbie, sorry, this in the mirror is – I don’t know what to call you.

Angel: I have been called many names.

Gabbie: You look like a Bridget.

Angel: Thank you.

Martin: Bridget? Nah.

Gabbie: Bridget’s a hot name, Martin.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) What are you doing? There are cameras.

Gabbie: Nothing, Dan.

Martin: Oh, sorry, yes, Gabbie, this is –

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Are you scrying?

Gabbie: Scrying?

Martin: Oh, it means to communicate with angels through a reflective surface.

Gabbie: This is an angel?

Martin: Well, more –

Angel: His genie.

Martin: Yes!

Angel: He keeps me as a slave.

Martin: No!

Angel: Forgive me, Master!

Gabbie: Martin Gay!

Angel: Yes, he is horrible, you don’t want to work with him.

Martin: Stop that!

Gabbie: We need to talk about that, actually, Martin – you know, the whole ‘job’ thing.

Laika: (voice-over) Uh-oh. (whines) This doesn’t sound good.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Right. You are definitely doing magic. Yellowcoats, get down there!

Martin: Okay, quickly.

Gabbie: Hey, be nice to Bridget! Can you get us back to 2016, please?

Angel: Ah, date?

Gabbie: Uh, November the third.

Angel: 6.30 pm?

Martin: Oh, sure.

Angel: Location?

Gabbie: Cat in the Bag?

Angel: Voilà!

(SFX: sound of portal being opened)

Laika: (voice-over) And there, in the mirror, a shortcut through Heaven back to 2016, looking more inviting than it ever had before.

Martin: I didn’t know you could do that.

Angel: I know.

Gabbie: So we just step through the mirror?

Angel: Correct.

Martin: And then, once we’re through, you disappear?

Angel: No.

Martin: What?

Angel: Once summoned, I remain in the mirror until the sigil is erased. So just wipe it off once you’re through – Master.

Martin: Through what?

Gabbie: How?

Angel: Oh.

Martin: Wipe it off, so one of us –

Gabbie: – has to stay behind.

Angel: Ah.

Martin: That’s fine. Gabbie, you go.

Gabbie: Really?

Martin: I’ve got loads of pass, I’ll get back somehow.

Gabbie: Sure?

Martin: Yeah, sure.

Gabbie: Okay, before I do – (sighs) this whole companion thing, Martin Gay...

Martin: Oh. Yeah?

Gabbie: Sorry.

Laika: (voice-over) (whines) No!

Martin: Ah. Right.

Gabbie: Don’t look hopeless. You’ll get a robot companion, they’re the best. And, you’ve got my number in your phone, yeah?

Martin: Er, yeah.

Gabbie: Stay in touch, yeah?

Martin: Actually, no. Haven’t got a phone.

Gabbie: Oh, have mine.

Martin: Oh, really?

Gabbie: Yeah. Catch!

Martin: Cheers.

Gabbie: Okay. Be well, yeah. Thank you for having meeeee.

Laika: (voice-over) And Gabbie Hayes was gone.

Angel: Oh, she was very sweet.

Martin: You’re happy she’s gone.

Angel: Maybe.

Martin: What did you have against her?

Angel: Her? Nothing, Martin. She quit. Take a hint. Now, shall we get on with saving the world?

Martin: Ouch.

Angel: What?

Martin: I’m – I’m trying to reach the – ouch. I can’t – so, a guard hit me in the face, and it’s driven the thing too far into my brain.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) There’s something in your brain?

Angel: Oh, not again.

(SFX: banging at the door)

Yellowcoat: How’re we getting in?

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) It’s a shutter, you lift it.

Angel: I have bad news.

Martin: What?

Angel: It might be broken.

Martin: The spanner?

Angel: I’m sorry, I keep forgetting to factor into my choice of saviour how often they might get punched in the face.

Martin: But – it summoned you.

Angel: Yes, and then, Gabbie punched you in the face. You’d better just follow her through.

Martin: But, no – then you’ll be stuck here, and Kraken will have another magic mirror.

Angel: Well, better he gets his hands on me than on what’s in your head.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Yellowcoats, get in there. (SFX: banging at the door) No, you lift it. There, good lads.

Martin: He’s not getting another magic mirror. Goodbye.

Angel: No! Really?

Martin: I’m wiping it out.

Angel: Well, goodbye. (SFX: sound of fire as the angel disappears)

Laika: (voice-over) And Martin Gay was alone. (SFX: sound of the shutter being lifted, guards rushing in) And then, he wasn’t.

Martin: Hi.

Woman’s voice: Ah, got here in time. Prisoner with me. Holly, secure the unit, make sure he can’t get back in.

Martin: What?

Woman’s voice: I don’t make the rules. This way, you big – nonsense.

Martin: Gabbie?

Gabbie: Shh. Yeah! Joined the Yellowcoats three months ago.

Martin: Joined them? Why?

Gabbie: To rescue you.

Yellowcoat: Oi, go away.

Gabbie: Into the car park. Run!

(SFX: sirens getting closer)

Martin: Three months ago?!

Gabbie: This way!

(SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Ah! Guys! More of them!

Voice over a megaphone: Drop your weapons.

Gabbie: Nah. Police. They’re not here for you, they’re here for Dan.

Martin: What?

Police officer: Mr Gay?

Gabbie: Here he is.

Police officer: You’re safe now.

Gabbie: Yeah. I made some calls. Turns out, you didn’t die in the explosion two years ago, you were kidnapped.

Police officer: Right, I’m going in. Let’s find Kraken.

(SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Wait, you know that’s not what actually happened.

Gabbie: Oh, yeah, I’m following this. Why didn’t you come back though?

Martin: It – broke.

Gabbie: You missed nothing. I’m not joking, Martin Gay – the last two years have been crazy. I mean, not interesting crazy, crazy like a crazy person. Which I can say, because I worked in mental health for a year, and can I just say, I had to reapply for my own job four times. My own job! Then the place closes down, and it isn’t even what I want to be doing, though I’m twenty-two, I mean, what can I do with my life – sorry, how are you?

Martin: I’m –

Mr Kraken: Hold your fire, lads. Marty, I’m innocent! Tell them!

Police officer: Mr Kraken, I’m arresting you for the illegal detainment of a Mr Martin Gay –

Gabbie: So, that’s me out of a job again.

Laika: (voice-over) Hurray!

Gabbie: You still need someone to help you save the world? There’s bugger a lot to do.

Martin: But Gabbie, the Time Spanner’s broken.

Gabbie: Everything’s broken. Fix it! Oh, sorry, am I sounding old and grumpy?

Martin: Everyone gets hopeless.

Gabbie: Ha! Who said that? Was it someone amazing?

Laika: (voice-over) Imagine having the power of a god. Imagine being able to let the universe go on exactly as it would have done if you’d never existed. Human beings, alas, do not have such a power. Their actions have consequences. Which is why, now and then, one may be entrusted to bear – the Time Spanner.

Martin: Actually, Gabbie – do you want it?