Laika: (voice-over) Earth. They called it that, because they were standing on it. I left because – well, I suppose there are a number of reasons I left, but I was never told them, because I’m a dog. That’s right, Laika here. They call me that because I like things. (laughter) Only joking. It’s Russian for ‘barker’. Yes, I’m Russian. And female, actually. And dead, although I still don’t know why. But, you know how you’re not supposed to leave a dog in a car with closed windows? Well, I was put in a rocket and shot into space. But why choose me to tell the story of a man who two years ago was tasked with saving the world? Is it because it didn’t go very well? Or, because Martin Gay, a man who on the third of November 2016 was sent through an alchemist’s mirror into a sort of magic space Heaven, a man who there met a fiery angel who ordered him to steal a spanner from a giant robot that would grant him the power to jaunt the length, breadth, and when-th of all of time and space, a man who was then returned to reality from this realm of angels and robots with a specific mission to save his world using innovations he must steal from the future, a plan whose exact logic had yet to be tested – is it because he, like me, is propelled by a technology of higher beings that could be used for both good, and bad things? Or, am I simply telling this story because it will turn out to be a love story, and I am a dog who can never go home? Let’s find out!

Time Spanner, by Simon Kane

The Dan in the High Castle

Laika: (voice-over) It is the year 2018 (SFX: clap of thunder, followed by the sound of hail falling) and through the foot-thick window of a hail-lashed chrome cylinder the one time reality star of Judo TV’s Cash of the Titans surveys his city.

Voice over the intercom: Lord Kraken?

Lord Kraken: Speak.

Voice over the intercom: We’ve picked up their signal, Sir.

Lord Kraken: Excellent work, my Yellowcoats. Bring them to me. Use force if you have to.

Voice over the intercom: Thank you, Lord.

Lord Kraken: At last. Robot, bring me my cape.

Laika: (voice-over) That, as I said, is 2018. On the third of November 2016, Daniel Kraken had none of this. (SFX: sirens) But he did have a branch of Kraken Self-Storage in Brixton, and a loyal receptionist called Martin Gay. And an alchemist’s mirror.

Gabbie: You’re a time traveller!

Laika: (voice-over) That’s Gabbie Hayes, a twenty year old charity mugger.

Martin: Yes. But I’m not weird.

Laika: (voice-over) And that’s Martin Gay, who might be weird. For example, he’s not wearing any shoes. Only this morning, on his fortieth birthday, his boss forced him at gunpoint to pass through an alchemist’s mirror to learn the secrets of the cosmos, so he had to take them off.

Martin: So, are we on? Gabbie?

Angel: This is a terrible idea.

Laika: (voice-over) That’s the fiery angel Martin met on the other side of the mirror, a voice in his head only he can now hear.

Gabbie: On for what?

Martin: Oh, you asked if I wanted a companion, to travel through time and space.

Gabbie: Yeah, as a joke.

Martin: Oh. Okay, I can’t tell when you’re joking.

Gabbie: And that does make you fun. But –

Laika: (voice-over) Martin only met Gabbie this morning, but he’s already decided she – is the light bulb in his lampshade, the food in his fridge.

Martin: But it was a joke.

Gabbie: Yeah, but I thought you were joking. So –

Martin: So...?

Laika: (voice-over) And the universe falls silent as it waits for an answer.

Gabbie: Let’s talk

Laika: (voice-over) Yay!

Martin: Yes!

Gabbie: Cool, but this isn’t a yes.

Martin: Oh, no.

Gabbie: Are you off work at six?

Martin: Ah, great. Do you know the Cat in the Bag?

Laika: (voice-over) Uh, cat!

Gabbie: Pub?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Cool. Get shoes though. I’m not meeting if you’re not wearing shoes.

Martin: Yes.

Gabbie: And not dinner lady ones you had on last time.

Martin: Yeah, no, brilliant. See you at six. (to himself) Oh, fab!

Angel: You fool!

Martin: What?

Angel: This is not why I gave you the Time Spanner.

Martin: You shoved it up my nose, you mean.

Angel: Which is how I’m now communicating to your brain from Heaven, yes? Which hole would you rather I’d use?

Martin: You said I could have a companion.

Angel: And I gave you a companion, remember? Mr Mergatroid?

Martin: I thought Gabbie would be better.

Angel: Better for your nerves than a devoted little flying robot who emits cake?

Martin: I’m not nervous. I’m just happy and excited, my body’s not used to it. Come on, Gabbie will be amazing, travelling together around the – the planet. Not the planet. The sun? Not the sun, too hot. But, uh, you know, other planets, if we can breathe. Can we breathe?

Angel: No.

Martin: Well, not them then. But, to the past, seeing the – I don’t know, the plague! Okay, not the plague. But Gabbie is good at ideas – come on, it’ll be an adventure.

Angel: Adventure is just bad planning. That spanner was very sensitively positioned to allow you to operate it with just a finger up the nose because you are on a mission. To travel to the future and return with technology that will save your world.

Martin: Okay, it will be a cool mission. Oh, what are we bringing back?

Angel: Hm?

Martin: This technology, is it something energy? To do with food?

Angel: Uh, it’s a bit of both.

Martin: Oh, cool.

Angel: It’s qualmian needle beam.

Martin: Qualmian needle beam?

Angel: It’s basically a flesh eating death laser.

Martin: What?

Angel: Which is to be used only for good.

Martin: It’s a weapon?

Angel: Don’t be nervous.

Martin: I am not nervous! I’m just not sure I want to be remembered as the inventor of the flesh eating death laser.

Angel: Well, perhaps I should have entrusted this mission then to your master, Daniel Kraken.

Martin: Uh, well, he does work in security.

Angel: Okay, so that’s supposed to be reverse psychology.

Martin: Oh, yeah. No, that doesn’t really work on me.

Angel: Fine! Fine! Let’s get that thing out of your nose, and you can go and tell Gabbie you –

Martin: Oh, no, yeah, that works. Gabbie. Yeah, okay, I’ll do the mission it if I can do it with Gabbie.

Angel: I still have significant concerns about her effect on your nerves.

Martin: I’m not nervous, Gabbie’s great for my nerves. Uh, right, I don’t really know what to do with myself until six. Although, actually – I am a time traveller, so I could just –

Angel: No, whatever it is –

Martin: Fast forward to six o’clock now!

Angel: Do not put your fingers up your nose. (SFX: gong sound as the Time Spanner is activated) Oh, you utter –

Martin: Oh, Cat in the Bag. Uh, it’s dark.

Angel: Of course. This is what I mean by bad planning.

Martin: What?

Angel: You’re running before you’ve learnt to walk.

Martin: That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I’ve never understood that. (SFX: phone pings) Uh.

Angel: Flip phone?

Martin: Yeah. It’s futuristic. Ah.

Angel: What?

Martin: A hundred and thirty-four missed calls.

Angel: Any messages?

Martin: Yeah. Don’t really want to with that now, though, so –

Angel: Listen to the messages.

Martin: No.

Angel: You have jumped eight hours of your life. You need to listen –

Martin: Just stop telling me what to do, please!

Angel: You are nervous.

Martin: I’m not – (SFX: sound of phone being smashed) Well, I’ve broken it now, anyway, so we can’t – You’re bad for my nerves, not Gab – I needed a new phone anyway. Let’s going.

Angel: Fine. If anyone notices a shoeless man muttering to himself and smashing a phone against a bin. Although, actually, so far –

Martin: Yeah, no, Brixton’s great.

(SFX: pub atmos)

Laika: (voice-over) 2016. The Cat in the Bag. Peeling leather seating banks, random tassels, you know, a bowl of markers in the toilet. Martin loved this pub, and had drunk here at least twice.

Gabbie: Martin Gay!

Martin: Gabbie, you’re – here.

Gabbie: Hello.

Martin: Hello, hello, pion and –

Angel: No.

Martin: – tube. Uh.

Angel: No.

Gabbie: Shake hands.

Martin: Shake hands.

Gabbie: Hello, sitting down. (SFX: sound of chairs scraping against the floor)

Martin: Sitting down. Hello.

Gabbie: So, you’re not dead then.

Martin: What?

Gabbie: Is this what I have to get used to? No offense, Martin Gay, but –

Angel: What is she talking about?

Gabbie: Did you blow it up?

Martin: What?

Gabbie: Where you work.

Martin: Kraken Self-Storage? Blew up?

Gabbie: Yeah.

Angel: Alright, stay calm.

Martin: Wait, who’s dying?

Gabbie: No one! Well, you, but turns out you’re fine. But answer your phone.

Angel: Okay. House meeting. Where can we talk?

Martin: What? Okay, sorry, Gabbie, I just need to – oh, sorry, I haven’t asked what you want to drink.

Gabbie: Just coke and ice.

Martin: Okay I’m going to the toilet for –

Gabbie: Okay. No stroll, though ‘cos they’ve got up turtles.

(SFX: sound of the toilet door opening/closing)

Martin: My workplace blew up.

Angel: Yes, right. So, I’m going to take a break from communicating to you from Heaven to make some enquires my end about the explosion. Do not use the spanner until you hear from me again.

Martin: Oh, you’re going? Okay, cool.

Angel: What?

Martin: No, you’re just doing what you think you should be doing, that’s cool.

Angel: No, Martin.

Martin: Having your voice in my head is not unweird.

Angel: I’m a guardian angel.

Martin: I’m an atheist.

Angel: Excuse me, you’re an atheist? You’ve been to Heaven.

Martin: It had robots.

Angel: Think of me then as your muse.

Martin: Okay.

Angel: Me, not Gabbie.

Martin: What?

Angel: She’s half your age, I mean, she’s twenty. Seriously, next to her, Martin, you look like a bald bear.

Martin: No, it’s not –

Angel: It’s not good. À bientôt. (SFX: sound of fire as the angel disappears)

Martin: Alright.

(SFX: pub music)

Martin: Oh, there we go. Sorry. Sorted everything out now.

Gabbie: Er, shoes?

Martin: Ah. Yeah, I didn’t get them. Sorry. Or your drink, actually. And I haven’t a wallet, it’s in the explosion. Sorry.

Gabbie: What are you doing Martin Gay?

Martin: Hm?

Gabbie: Is it all a bit moment to moment in your life right now?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Yeah, look. Before we go any further – bit embarrassing, but, um, can we just clarify something? You know, get out of the way?

Martin: Um, sure?

Gabbie: Pay.

Martin: Oh, yes.

Gabbie: Cos you said my job’s on pay, but does that mean you’re not getting paid because you have this ‘amazing’ power?

Martin: Yes, I know, I’m sorry.

Angel: We need to talk, now.

Martin: Oh, guys! Sorry.

Gabbie: It’s alright. I’m just saying, one of my jobs could be working out how we get paid. You know –

Angel: (talking over Gabbie) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stop talking to her!

Martin: Sure. Sorry, and I think that’s my phone.

Gabbie: What?

Angel: Thank you!

Martin: I just better take this, in the toilet. Um –

(SFX: sound of the toilet door opening/closing)

Martin: What?

Angel: The Metatron.

Martin: What?!

Angel: The giant robot we stole the spanner from? He blew up your boss’ magic mirror from the Heaven end.

Martin: That was the explosion? Yikes!

Angel: Yes, ‘yikes’. And there are now factions in Heaven veeery angry I gave you this mission.

Martin: To steal a flesh eating death laser.

Angel: Hm.

Martin: What factions?

Angel: The Usual.

Martin: The Usual?

Angel: That’s what they call themselves, yes, ‘The Usual’. Even now, they may be tracing my signal to the spanner in your head to locate you.

Martin: There’s people after me?

Angel: Not yet.

Martin: Okay.

Angel: And not people.

Martin: Hhhhh.

Angel: We need another means of communication between my plane and the physical, something they can’t trace. (pause) Do you have a mirror?

Martin: Uh, I mean, well, there’s –

Angel: Oh, is that a mirror? Over the sink?

Martin: What did you think it was?

Angel: I thought it was just some guy making fun of you.

Martin: Wh –

Angel: Reality is hard. Now, in addition to granting you the power to travel through all time and space – it is just time and space you have, isn’t it?

Martin: Uh, yeah.

Angel: The Time Spanner also lets us communicate through any mirror. But you need to make a sigil. So, do you have a pen?

Martin: Here.

Angel: There’s a bowl of pens in the toilet?

Martin: Uh, yeah.

Angel: Hmm. Okay, draw a line on the mirror, right to left.

Martin: Oh, you’re teaching me magic? Right.

Angel: Stop. Now, down. And left.

Martin: Right.

Angel: Okay, new line. Above where you just left off, draw down.

Martin: Wait, I–

Angel: Quickly!

Martin: Okay.

Angel: Now, left to right. Hurry!

Martin: Are you making me draw a swastika?

Angel: It’s a perfectly innocent symbol.

Martin: Oh my god, it is not!

Angel: You need to mark the mirror with a sigil.

Martin: Give me another.

Angel: (sighs) Well, there’s a circle, of course.

Martin: Great. Why did we start with –

Angel: Quickly. (SFX: sounds of Martin drawing on the mirror) What is that? A circle is one line, draw one line.

Martin: Okay, it’s just harder, standing up, you’re right. Okay. (SFX: sounds of Martin drawing on the mirror) Hang on. I mean, it should have met up by now, but you get the idea.

Angel: Draw a swastika.

Martin: No!

Angel: Hitler didn’t even get it the right way round.

Martin: What?!

Angel: Not that I gave the spanner to him.

Martin: Okay, I’m giving it to my boss.

Angel: The pen?

Martin: No, the Time Spanner. I’m sorry, but this is no fun, I don’t want it anymore. Mr Kraken actually knows about magic and weapons – (SFX: sound of fire)

Angel: Noooo!

Martin: So I quit. Hello? Oh. Have you gone? Well, okay. Over and out?

(SFX: pub atmos)

Martin: So that was – oh, boy. Anyway. Phew.

Gabbie: We don’t have to talk about pay, Martin Gay.

Martin: Sorry, yes, I’m hopeless.

Gabbie: Don’t be sorry. Everyone gets hopeless.

Martin: Not you.

Gabbie: Mate, this year?

Martin: Oh, 2016?

Gabbie: Can all the heroes stop dying, please? Can’t wait to see the back of it.

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: You don’t have to, though. You’re a time traveller. Let’s go to 2017 now, get you some future shoes.

Martin: Uh, ah, no. Actually –

Gabbie: Ah. Is it off?

Martin: How do you read people so well?

Gabbie: I thought we were going on an adventure, Martin Gay!

Martin: Adventure is just bad planning.

Gabbie: Oh, then we already have.

Martin: No, no, it’s just – that was my boss, then, on the phone.

Gabbie: Daniel Kraken?

Martin: Yeah. And he wants the time thing for himself now, so –

Gabbie: So?

Martin: What?

Gabbie: You don’t have to do what he says. You’re holding all the cards, Martin Gay.

Martin: Does that mean I’m winning? I’ve never understood that.

Gabbie: Yeah.

Martin: What card game are you winning if you’re holding all the cards?

Gabbie: Top Trumps!

Martin: It’s a Top Trumps reference?

Gabbie: Yeah. You’ve got the time thing, not Kraken. What do you want to do?

Martin: Oh, I’m terrible at this question. What do you want to do, Gabbie?

Gabbie: I want to see what you want to do.

Martin: I – I do want to want to do something. I mean, I have all this, and you, so I should be –

Gabbie: (interrupting) Taking care of yourself.

Martin: No.

Gabbie: No, you should be taking care of yourself.

Martin: But if it means giving this up, you’re right, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Won’t I?

Gabbie: Don’t know. If only there was some way to find out.

Martin: Yeah. What? (realising) Oh! I’m a time traveller! Gabbie, do you want to come to the future with me and see if I regret –  

Gabbie: Yes, please!

Martin: Right. 2017.

Gabbie: Or further!

Martin: Twenty – eighteen? Okay, so, how it works is that anything I touch travels with me.

Gabbie: You want to touch me?

Martin: No!

Gabbie: Where do you want to touch me, Martin Gay? Joking. Take my hand.

Martin: Thanks. Okay. Now it’s gonna look like I’m picking my nose, but –

(SFX: gong sound as the Time Spanner is activated)

Martin: Oh, what is that in my face?

Laika: (voice-over) Here we are, in 2018.

Gabbie: Hail!

Martin: The Cat’s all boarded up.

Laika: (voice-over) And across the closed pub, a bill sticker reads  –

Martin: Property of the Kraken Empire?

Man’s voice: Hey, you! Stop there. (SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Oh, guys!

Laika: (voice-over) Armed and masked figures in high visibility tabards.

Man’s voice: Over it, now.

Martin: On whose authority? (SFX: sound of Martin being punched) Ouch – guys! Right on the nose.

Gabbie: Hey!

Man’s voice: We’ve located the target, Sir.

Lord Kraken: What’s he look like?

Man’s voice: He looks rubbish.

Lord Kraken: That’s him.

Man’s voice: And a girl.

Lord Kraken: Bring them both.

Man’s voice: Yes, Lord Kraken.

Martin: Daniel Kraken?

Gabbie: Seen enough.

Martin: Now what, Gabbie, can we –

Gabbie: Go meet your boss?

Man’s voice: Into the truck!

Martin: Yeah, I’m just –

Gabbie: Curious? Yeah, totally.

Martin: Coming.

Gabbie: So, we can just hold hands and escape whenever we want, right?

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: How’s your nose?

Martin: Yeah, beginning to hurt.

Man’s voice: Get in!

Laika: (voice-over) Hail pounded the truck carrying Martin and Gabbie as it ground north past pictureless hoardings, abandoned cranes, barbed wire and wet grit, until finally, in the highest room of a mistopped chrome cylinder, on the brown banks of a froffing river –

Man’s voice: Kneel before Lord Kraken.

Martin: Ouch.

Lord Kraken: Forgive my Yellowcoats, they can be a little – overzealous. Leave us.

Yellowcoat: Yes, Lord Kraken.

Lord Kraken: Two long years I’ve waited for this. Marty – Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty.

Gabbie: Mar-tin.

Lord Kraken: And the friend who finally led us to you, Miss –

Gabbie: Hayes, thank you.

Lord Kraken: Allow me to introduce myself.

Gabbie: You’re Dan! Now, escape.

Martin: ‘Led us to you’?

Lord Kraken: Tried tracking your phone, Marty, no luck. Pulled the last number you called, tracked that instead.

Gabbie: What do you want with us, Dan? You’ve got the cold dead eyes of a cold dead guy.

Lord Kraken: Oh, there is a fire here, Miss Hayes.

Gabbie: In the flat?

Lord Kraken: You misunderstand me.

Gabbie: Yet I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Lord Kraken: I mean I have a drive. (pause) No.

Gabbie: You’ve got a drive? You live in a flat.

Lord Kraken: Okay. Okay, firstly, this is not a flat.

Gabbie: It’s not a house.

Martin: I live in a house, well, house share.

Gabbie: See, Dan, he lives in a house.

Lord Kraken: Enough!

Gabbie: Issues.

Martin: You’re right. Come on Gabbie, I’ve had enough.

Gabbie: Sure.

Lord Kraken: Holding hands, how touching.

Gabbie: Bye, Dan.

Martin: Bye.

Lord Kraken: And now picking your nose. Less touching.

Gabbie: Bye.

Martin: Ouch. Bye. Ouch.

Gabbie: Bye. (pause) Nothing’s happening!

Martin: Ouch. Oh, god!

Lord Kraken: What are you doing?

Martin: Gabbie, I can’t reach it.

Gabbie: What?

Lord Kraken: Reach what?

Martin: When that guard hit me in the face, I think it must have driven it too far into my – ouch.

Gabbie: You must be able to reach it! Otherwise, how do you go back and give it to Dan?

Martin: Well, I’m hardly going to now.

Lord Kraken: Give what?

Gabbie: Wait, wait, wait. If you don’t give it to him –

Martin: Then how –

Lord Kraken: How what?

Martin: How have you done all this?

Gabbie: Yeah!

Lord Kraken: All what?

Gabbie: Taken over the world?

Lord Kraken: What are you talking about?

Martin: You’ve got an army!

Lord Kraken: Oh, the Yellowcoats! Not strictly speaking mine. Private security force, subcontracted to the Home Office.

Martin: But, ‘kneel before Lord Kraken’?

Lord Kraken: Yeah, a bit overzealous, I said that. But good lads.

Gabbie: Lord Kraken?

Lord Kraken: I was made a Lord, yes. About bloody time. I don’t know where you’ve been, Marty, but I’ve had a good couple of years. Property portfolio’s booming, won that security contract, Cash of the Titans got syndicated to Russia – they love me there. I’ve hardly taken over the world though, I’m in a flat in Vauxhall.

Martin: You’re wearing a cape!

Lord Kraken: It’s a free country.

Mr Mergatroid: Suits you, Master.

Martin: Mr Mergatroid!

Mr Mergatroid: It's the man!

Lord Kraken: Ah, yes, the robot you abandoned.

Gabbie: Wait, what?

Lord Kraken: I did hope he might help the business, actually. I mean, artificial intelligence, anti gravity – but nope, useless.

Mr Mergatroid: Boody cake, Master? Fresh from m’boody.

Lord Kraken: Apart from the cake.

Martin: So, magic had nothing to do with it.

Gabbie: I’ve got questions.

Martin: Yeah, me too. If you didn’t take over the world, then why is everything now so rubbish?

Lord Kraken: What? Oh, thanks a bunch.

Martin: The Cat in the Bag all boarded up.

Lord Kraken: The new Kraken site, yeah. Pubs close down, Marty.

Martin: The deserted streets?

Lord Kraken: It’s hailing.

Martin: But – the drive here, the rubble, the barbed wire, the terrifying giant building works. Okay, that – okay that’s just –

Lord Kraken: That’s Vauxhall.

Martin: Yeah.

Gabbie: Yeah, yeah.

Lord Kraken: Look, Marty, spare me your midlife wobble. 2018 is not rubbish, it’s brilliant! I’ve got a robot, and a cape.

Martin: ‘Midlife wobble’?

Lord Kraken: Your pub closed down, so you think the Nazis took over. You couldn’t be more middle-aged.

Martin: You led us here at gunpoint!

Lord Kraken: Because that’s the only way to get you to do anything. Marty, you had to be forced at gunpoint into Heaven.

Gabbie: Heaven?

Lord Kraken: What did you find on the other side of that scrying glass? Tell me, and I’ll make you a partner in everything we build.

Martin: I don’t want any part of any of this.

Lord Kraken: Of what?

Martin: Of – (mumbles)

Lord Kraken: You’re indicating with your arms literally your entire surroundings.

Martin: Yes!

Lord Kraken: Fine. I’ll use force. Everyone thinks you’re dead already, Marty, and I’m fine with force. Robot!

Mr Mergatroid: Yeah?

Lord Kraken: Take these two down to the interrogation unit.

Mr Mergatroid: The – hospitality popup?

Lord Kraken: The – where we do the focus group.

Mr Mergatroid: Into the lift please. Nyam.

(SFX: ping of the lift)

Martin: Gabbie, I’m sorry.

Mr Mergatroid: I’m sorry too, Marty.

Martin: What?

Mr Mergatroid: What are we sorry about?

Martin: Sorry, can Gabbie and I just –

Mr Mergatroid: Who’s Gabbie?

Martin: Oh, sorry. Gabbie, this is Mr Mergatroid.

Gabbie: Hi.

Mr Mergatroid: Not interested.

Gabbie: Cool. How’s Kraken got a robot?

Mr Mergatroid: Oh. I’m on your side, really.

Martin: Hm? Oh, yes – thanks for not telling him about the Time Spanner.

Mr Mergatroid: I’ve – missed you, buddy.

Martin: Oh, right, I mean – we didn’t really know each other.

Mr Mergatroid: No, but the moment I was made your companion I recalibrated my emotions.

Gabbie: Companion?

Mr Mergatroid: And now, I love you.

Martin: Oh.

Gabbie: Can you let us go, then, please, Mr – Mergatroid?

Mr Mergatroid: No. But I do have something that may help. (SFX: sound of something being taken out) Found them in the explosion.

Martin: You’ve had my shoes inside you for two years?

Mr Mergatroid: I missed you!

Martin: Okay. Maybe, recalibrate your emotions back again – just, you know, just for your own sake.

Mr Mergatroid: But I don’t want to, Marty!

Gabbie: I’m replacing a robot?

Martin: Right, is this the –

Mr Mergatroid: I don’t want to. (pause) Bye!

Laika: (voice-over) Where they do the focus groups.

Gabbie: Right, I spent the last five minutes in my head trying mainly to invent time travel from scratch, and it’s not going great. How are you getting on?

Martin: Well, I got my shoes back. Wait. That massive two-way mirror on the wall behind you. Gabbie, do you have something to write with?

Gabbie: Lipstick?

Martin: Oh, thank you! Now, um – (SFX: sound of drawing on the mirror) There.

Gabbie: You’ve drawn a swastika?! (SFX: sound of Martin being punched)

Martin: Ouch! My nose!

Gabbie: I’m sorry, Martin, but what the hell?

(SFX: sound of fire)

Angel: I attend.

Martin: It worked!

Laika: (voice-over) There in the mirror, and only in the mirror, the blazing angel –

Angel: What happened to you?

Laika: (voice-over) – wreathed in fire.

Martin: You’re the one who left, what happened to you?

Angel: The Usual – I don’t want to talk about it.

Laika: (voice-over) Visible to all.

Gabbie: Hello!

Angel: Hello.

Martin: Oh, Gabbie, sorry, this in the mirror is – I don’t know what to call you.

Angel: I have been called many names.

Gabbie: You look like a Bridget.

Angel: Thank you.

Martin: Bridget? Nah.

Gabbie: Bridget’s a hot name, Martin.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) What are you doing? There are cameras.

Gabbie: Nothing, Dan.

Martin: Oh, sorry, yes, Gabbie, this is –

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Are you scrying?

Gabbie: Scrying?

Martin: Oh, it means to communicate with angels through a reflective surface.

Gabbie: This is an angel?

Martin: Well, more –

Angel: His genie.

Martin: Yes!

Angel: He keeps me as a slave.

Martin: No!

Angel: Forgive me, Master!

Gabbie: Martin Gay!

Angel: Yes, he is horrible, you don’t want to work with him.

Martin: Stop that!

Gabbie: We need to talk about that, actually, Martin – you know, the whole ‘job’ thing.

Laika: (voice-over) Uh-oh. (whines) This doesn’t sound good.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Right. You are definitely doing magic. Yellowcoats, get down there!

Martin: Okay, quickly.

Gabbie: Hey, be nice to Bridget! Can you get us back to 2016, please?

Angel: Ah, date?

Gabbie: Uh, November the third.

Angel: 6.30 pm?

Martin: Oh, sure.

Angel: Location?

Gabbie: Cat in the Bag?

Angel: Voilà!

(SFX: sound of portal being opened)

Laika: (voice-over) And there, in the mirror, a shortcut through Heaven back to 2016, looking more inviting than it ever had before.

Martin: I didn’t know you could do that.

Angel: I know.

Gabbie: So we just step through the mirror?

Angel: Correct.

Martin: And then, once we’re through, you disappear?

Angel: No.

Martin: What?

Angel: Once summoned, I remain in the mirror until the sigil is erased. So just wipe it off once you’re through – Master.

Martin: Through what?

Gabbie: How?

Angel: Oh.

Martin: Wipe it off, so one of us –

Gabbie: – has to stay behind.

Angel: Ah.

Martin: That’s fine. Gabbie, you go.

Gabbie: Really?

Martin: I’ve got loads of pass, I’ll get back somehow.

Gabbie: Sure?

Martin: Yeah, sure.

Gabbie: Okay, before I do – (sighs) this whole companion thing, Martin Gay...

Martin: Oh. Yeah?

Gabbie: Sorry.

Laika: (voice-over) (whines) No!

Martin: Ah. Right.

Gabbie: Don’t look hopeless. You’ll get a robot companion, they’re the best. And, you’ve got my number in your phone, yeah?

Martin: Er, yeah.

Gabbie: Stay in touch, yeah?

Martin: Actually, no. Haven’t got a phone.

Gabbie: Oh, have mine.

Martin: Oh, really?

Gabbie: Yeah. Catch!

Martin: Cheers.

Gabbie: Okay. Be well, yeah. Thank you for having meeeee.

Laika: (voice-over) And Gabbie Hayes was gone.

Angel: Oh, she was very sweet.

Martin: You’re happy she’s gone.

Angel: Maybe.

Martin: What did you have against her?

Angel: Her? Nothing, Martin. She quit. Take a hint. Now, shall we get on with saving the world?

Martin: Ouch.

Angel: What?

Martin: I’m – I’m trying to reach the – ouch. I can’t – so, a guard hit me in the face, and it’s driven the thing too far into my brain.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) There’s something in your brain?

Angel: Oh, not again.

(SFX: banging at the door)

Yellowcoat: How’re we getting in?

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) It’s a shutter, you lift it.

Angel: I have bad news.

Martin: What?

Angel: It might be broken.

Martin: The spanner?

Angel: I’m sorry, I keep forgetting to factor into my choice of saviour how often they might get punched in the face.

Martin: But – it summoned you.

Angel: Yes, and then, Gabbie punched you in the face. You’d better just follow her through.

Martin: But, no – then you’ll be stuck here, and Kraken will have another magic mirror.

Angel: Well, better he gets his hands on me than on what’s in your head.

Lord Kraken: (over the intercom) Yellowcoats, get in there. (SFX: banging at the door) No, you lift it. There, good lads.

Martin: He’s not getting another magic mirror. Goodbye.

Angel: No! Really?

Martin: I’m wiping it out.

Angel: Well, goodbye. (SFX: sound of fire as the angel disappears)

Laika: (voice-over) And Martin Gay was alone. (SFX: sound of the shutter being lifted, guards rushing in) And then, he wasn’t.

Martin: Hi.

Woman’s voice: Ah, got here in time. Prisoner with me. Holly, secure the unit, make sure he can’t get back in.

Martin: What?

Woman’s voice: I don’t make the rules. This way, you big – nonsense.

Martin: Gabbie?

Gabbie: Shh. Yeah! Joined the Yellowcoats three months ago.

Martin: Joined them? Why?

Gabbie: To rescue you.

Yellowcoat: Oi, go away.

Gabbie: Into the car park. Run!

(SFX: sirens getting closer)

Martin: Three months ago?!

Gabbie: This way!

(SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Ah! Guys! More of them!

Voice over a megaphone: Drop your weapons.

Gabbie: Nah. Police. They’re not here for you, they’re here for Dan.

Martin: What?

Police officer: Mr Gay?

Gabbie: Here he is.

Police officer: You’re safe now.

Gabbie: Yeah. I made some calls. Turns out, you didn’t die in the explosion two years ago, you were kidnapped.

Police officer: Right, I’m going in. Let’s find Kraken.

(SFX: gunshots being fired)

Martin: Wait, you know that’s not what actually happened.

Gabbie: Oh, yeah, I’m following this. Why didn’t you come back though?

Martin: It – broke.

Gabbie: You missed nothing. I’m not joking, Martin Gay – the last two years have been crazy. I mean, not interesting crazy, crazy like a crazy person. Which I can say, because I worked in mental health for a year, and can I just say, I had to reapply for my own job four times. My own job! Then the place closes down, and it isn’t even what I want to be doing, though I’m twenty-two, I mean, what can I do with my life – sorry, how are you?

Martin: I’m –

Mr Kraken: Hold your fire, lads. Marty, I’m innocent! Tell them!

Police officer: Mr Kraken, I’m arresting you for the illegal detainment of a Mr Martin Gay –

Gabbie: So, that’s me out of a job again.

Laika: (voice-over) Hurray!

Gabbie: You still need someone to help you save the world? There’s bugger a lot to do.

Martin: But Gabbie, the Time Spanner’s broken.

Gabbie: Everything’s broken. Fix it! Oh, sorry, am I sounding old and grumpy?

Martin: Everyone gets hopeless.

Gabbie: Ha! Who said that? Was it someone amazing?

Laika: (voice-over) Imagine having the power of a god. Imagine being able to let the universe go on exactly as it would have done if you’d never existed. Human beings, alas, do not have such a power. Their actions have consequences. Which is why, now and then, one may be entrusted to bear – the Time Spanner.

Martin: Actually, Gabbie – do you want it?

Martin: I – I do want to want to do something. I mean, I have all this, and you, so I should be –

Gabbie: Taking care of yourself.

Martin: No.

Gabbie: No, you should be taking care of yourself.

Martin: But if it means giving this up, you’re right, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Won’t I?

Gabbie: Don’t know. If only there was some way to find out.

Martin: Yeah. What? Oh! I’m a time traveller! Gabbie, do you want to come to the future with me and see if I regret –  

Gabbie: Yes, please!

Indecisive as ever - and aren’t we all, for that matter? - Martin Gay can’t seem to make up his mind what he wants to do. On the one hand, he no longer wants to have anything to do with the Time Spanner - not after discovering there’s a faction of angry supernaturals (be them angels, robots, or some other ominously powerful entities) after him; on the other hand, there’s Gabbie, spurring him on, and if there is one thing he’s not prepared to give up, that’s her - the light bulb in his lampshade, the food in his fridge, as Laika earlier pointed out in her role as the narrator of this story. 

It’s only natural that Martin is immediately on board with Gabbie’s suggestion to travel to the future to see if he regrets giving up the Time Spanner, and the power it entails - well, as soon as he finally catches on to what she’s actually suggesting, that is. Yet, once again, to observe is to change; as they soon discover, the apparently (or, not so apparently - but that’s probably for the listener to decide) bleak future is not a consequence of Martin giving the Time Spanner to Daniel Kraken, which eventually results in... Martin not giving him the Time Spanner. 

(And is he even free to make any other choice at this point? Or are they all trapped already, part of another causal loop there’s no escape from?)

Gabbie: You must be able to reach it! Otherwise, how do you go back and give it to Dan?

Martin: Well, I’m hardly going to now.

Lord Kraken: Give what?

Gabbie: Wait, wait, wait. If you don’t give it to him –

Martin: Then how –

Lord Kraken: How what?

Martin: How have you done all this?

One might argue that seeing what kind of a nut job Lord Kraken proves to be during their brief encounter in the future is reason enough for Martin not to want to give him the Time Spanner; but on the other hand, he wouldn’t have known that without actually going to the future - though to be fair, Martin should have probably got wind of the fact as soon as Kraken forced him at gunpoint through a magic mirror, and into Heaven. So, in a way, Martin doesn’t give his boss the Time Spanner because he finds out he never did - and quite possibly, also because he finds himself trapped in 2018 in his effort to prevent Kraken from getting his hands on yet another magic mirror. 

As to the end of this episode, Martin never goes back to his own time. A mere handful of minutes after saying goodbye to Gabbie - but a whole two years for her, and crazy like a crazy person on top of that - she comes back to save him, which means Martin has no real reason to travel back to 2016 now. (Though I guess we’ll have to wait and see if when we finally get the rest of the story.)

His present appears to be in the future, at least for now; and while we still don’t know the precise date most of this episode is set on, the fact that Gabbie claims she joined the Yellowcoats three months ago might point towards it being sometime in March/April 2018, though that’s merely a conjecture at this moment in time. 

(I’m still trying to gauge how likely it is for a hail storm to hit South London that early in the year; a quick google search has failed to yield any conclusive result on that front, which in retrospect is probably for the best.)

If there is one good thing that’s come out of having to wait two long years for Time Spanner 2, it’s that we all time-travelled to Martin Gay’s future in the meantime. (Everything’s a very slow time machine, if you think about it.) 

The new episode starts right where we left off, only with Laika the Dead Space Dog doing a quick recap of - well, you know, everything. It’s been two years after all, and the pilot episode’s no longer on the iPlayer (though you might want to try here, if you haven’t already.)

As Laika quite rightly points out, the exact logic of the Angel’s plan - tasking our feckless hero with stealing the Time Spanner, and then using it to bring back some unspecified technology from the future in order to save the world - has yet to be tested. Even more so when the Angel reluctantly admits to the true nature of said technology - a flesh-eating death laser, which she claims ‘is to be used only for good’. (Which, for some reason, keeps reminding me of that JFSP sketch featuring a young Hitler, and a time machine. Oh, well.)

As the story develops, the Angel seems to be gradually losing her aura of aloofness and power - not only does she appear somewhat bumbling at times, but she also sounds a tad jealous of Gabbie’s role in Martin’s life, such as it may be. We also find out what happened at Kraken Self-Storage: the explosion towards the end of the previous episode was caused by the Metatron, who blew up Mr Kraken’s scrying glass from the Heaven’s end - yikes, indeed - and there are now factions of angry Not-People (angels? some other supernatural beings?) after our Angel/Muse/Lady Wizard, and possibly Martin Gay, soon. 

(I am aware I’m most likely reading too much into this, but I find it quite intriguing that the aforementioned factions call themselves ‘The Usual’. You know, what with Martin mentioning he’s ‘the usual, thirty-eight’ in the pilot episode - apparently forgetting he’s a whole two years older than that. But hey, this is probably just me, so you might as well ignore this bit.)

We also learn that, along with granting its bearer the power to travel through all of time and space, the Time Spanner also serves as a means of communication between the transcendental dimension and the physical plane; either by functioning as some sort of transceiver implanted straight into your brain, or by turning any old mirror into an otherworldly version of FaceTime - provided that you mark said mirror with a sigil, that is. 

(Apparently, any and all sigils would do, but for some reason the Angel sees fit to start with a swastika, only to end up having to hastily reassure a rightfully indignant Martin that she definitely, definitely didn’t give the Time Spanner to Hitler. Which is even funnier in the context of the episode’s title being a reference to The Man in the High Castle, as I believe we can safely assume.)

And yes, the future. As rubbish as 2018 looks to Gabbie and Martin’s eyes - and heaven knows they’re not that wrong - things are not as bleak as they appear to be at first glance. The Nazis didn’t take over, or at least, Dan(iel) Kraken didn’t - he may have been made a Lord, but his overzealous Yellowcoats are a mere private security force, and the titular ‘high castle’ turns out to be nothing more than a flat in Vauxhall. 

(While it’s true that I do not know enough about South London to fully appreciate the extent of this joke, the whole ‘that’s Vauxhall’ exchange is one of my favourite parts of the entire episode. Lord Kraken and Gabbie are truly wonderful throughout this scene, especially when addressing one another - and may I just say, David Mitchell and London Hughes did a pretty amazing job there, which is really quite something when you consider how talented the entire cast is.)

And here we find Mr Mergatroid as well, who’s apparently been in the service of Lord Kraken for the past two years. Oh, and it (he?) has also been holding on to Martin’s shoes for all this time, which means our hero can finally stop wandering about shoeless; and while he’s not getting future shoes like Gabbie suggested at the beginning, he’s still getting his past shoes back from the future, which is - significant, somehow?

(On a somewhat related note, how did Lord Kraken successfully locate Gabbie’s phone - in the future? Do phones still work when you suddenly jump two years ahead of when you last paid your bill? Am I just fixating on an entirely irrelevant detail for no reason?)

So, yeah. Daniel Kraken may be little more than a rich (and possibly disturbed) individual, but he does seem to be perfectly fine with using force to extract the truth of what Martin saw on the other side of his magic mirror. Which in turn leads to some interesting questions about the morality of Gabbie’s choices at the end: Kraken is not lying when he says he didn’t kidnap Martin two years ago, but he did technically hold him there against his will, and while he never had the time to use force, it’s reasonable to assume that he would have done - does he deserve to be arrested, then? (To be fair, I’m just as terrible at this kind of question as Martin is when asked what he wants to do, so let’s just leave it at that.)

But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves. We finally get another very interesting piece of information, which is that the Angel is not only capable of opening a portal that will bring you back to the real world, but also a portal to any (?) chosen point in time and space. (Incidentally, if on November 3rd, 2016 Martin skipped eight hours of his life to get to six o’clock in the afternoon, that means the first episode took place around, let’s say, ten in the morning? Well, its ending, anyway.) At least now we know how on earth she expected Martin to be able to bring those ‘ideas’ (or weapons, as they may be) back from his world’s future, when she spent the better part of the first episode claiming that you cannot travel backwards in time. (Never mind that Martin proved her wrong by travelling all the way back to the Big Bang, and then out the other side. Cool.)

And then - those final five minutes are such an emotional rollercoaster that I was left reeling in the aftermath of my first listen. The Time Spanner’s broken, so the only way they have to go back to 2016 is through the portal 'Bridget’ opens up for them; only then she claims she will remain trapped in the mirror until the sigil is erased, and my goodness, that moment when Martin volunteers to stay behind - well. (I’m so proud of him, I tell you.)

Martin’s trapped, and then he isn’t, as 2018 Gabbie shows up in a Yellowcoats uniform, and rescues him. I’m so here for this now twenty-two-year-old badass coming in to save the day, and that’s even without taking into account how much ‘time travel story where character A has to wait for n years to be reunited with character B’ is my cup of tea. 

(Speaking of which, might I interest you in this lovely and quite touching audio play written by Peter Davis of Monster Hunters fame? That’s the first thing that came into my mind right after this whole scene played out, anyway.)

And then - oh my days, that ending.

“But Gabbie, the Time Spanner’s broken.”

“Everything’s broken. Fix it! Oh, sorry, am I sounding old and grumpy?”

“Everyone gets hopeless.”

“Ha! Who said that? Was it someone amazing?”