lynyrd skynyrd clowncar accident

yeah she's a total nepo baby. I heard her dad was one of floop's fooglies

We need a sea mine emoji. And one of it exploding. And one of a wretched skeletal hand reaching up from the deep. Searching for an ankle to grab to drag you down below the sunlight. And one of air bubbles escaping your mouth as the water pressure squeezes in and drives the air from your lungs. And one of a mermaid but her boobs are out.

men really be like “well this woman has studied this subject her whole life, and i am a man, so we have equal knowledge on this”

it’s ok you could have just said “i hate men”

okay, i hate men

playing stupid games but im really bad at them so im not even winning the stupid prizes

i keep fucking around but i'm too stupid so i never really find out anything

just helped an old old man log into his outlook account and we succeeded and he said “young lady, go in peace. we have accomplished this mission.” what an electrifying way of speaking…

currently cackling & wheezing after imagining a video game titled Penn & Teller’s Shithead Basketball

[desperate to avoid the inevitability of death] the moral of rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead is never get on a boat or some sort of moving vehicle piloted by someoen else

i just checked my status effects for the first time in a while how long have i been Doomed for

They need to invent jobs that it makes sense for 27-30 year olds to have

You gotta be really publicly passionate about things if you want your friends to text you. Bc people will forget to text you because they’re human. But if you’re really openly the friend who loves identifying ants your friends will think of you when they see ants. And they’ll text you “what ant is this [blurry photo]”. And then they’ll ask you how you’ve been and we should get coffee sometime. But if they don’t know what you love they’ll never know what you like

And then when the ant convention is in town they’ll be like dude… we should go to the ant convention. But they would never think to go if they didn’t know u loved ants

And sometimes you need to ask them to go to the ant convention. But you Will not get anywhere hiding your passions

absolutely hate it when the pleasurable activity procrastination hits. i’m going to do something fun that brings me joy but not yet. yeah, not yet. not yet. maybe i shouldn’t do it at all, it’s not that fun

"when people ask how you're doing, they don't really care." most of them do, actually, the amount they care is just directly proportional to how well they know you. you're just mad you can't be the main character of the Twice Daily.

if i am doing shitty and the check out girl asks me, "how are you?" i will say,"man, i've been better." we are strangers to each other. she doesn't need to know my whole life story. she doesn't need to know about my credit score and my hemorrhoids or my uncle in the hospital. she just needs enough to respond "been there, buddy. hey, at least the day is almost over?" and then we part ways. i have been on both sides of thousands of exchanges like this, the only one making you do a little song and dance is you, my friend

There’s something truly exquisite about stories where the real tragedy is the price you paid to stand on top of the world

Hollow victories … sacrificing your humanity on the altar of what you perceive to be the greater good … the loneliness of godhood … regret for the person you used to be … the realisation that there is no way back … *chef’s kiss*