#lightedit

"Yami Sukehiro. You are a worthy foe."

Yami VS Light

Original text:

Travelers, merchants, troupe members, servants of the castle, of the king, even, were often chosen to transport the most dangerous criminals from this very fortress embedded in the mountains, where guard dogs as large and menacing as dragons were stationed and guardsmen were armored to the brim with wits and intellect that outmatched any soldier.

Editing notes:

First, we have to deal with the length of this single sentence. A run-on sentence can bore or confuse the reader. Sentences longer than 20 words tend to create unease amongst the reader base. This sentence is 55 words long, and likely, you had to read it through two or three times to completely understand everything. This sentence can be fixed with some simple changes, and those will make it much easier to read.

First we should separate this sentence into two.

First:

Travelers, merchants, troupe members, servants of the castle, of the king, even, were often chosen to transport the most dangerous criminals from this very fortress embedded in the mountains;

Here you have options, you can either use a period (.) or a semi-colon (;) to separate the sentences. It is really up to author preference, however because the second sentence is continuing along the same vein of thought, I’ve added a semi-colon. This sentence also includes an interesting phrase that really catches the reader’s eye, and breaks up a monotonous list nicely, “servants of the castle, of the king, even.” I really appreciate this wording, as it allows the readers to take a break and think about the groups listed, and it is a nice transition to the second half of the sentence.

Second:

Here, guard dogs as large and menacing as dragons were stationed, and guardsmen were armored to the brim with wits and intellect that outmatched any soldier.

I changed ‘where’ to ‘here’ to adjust for the new sentence, and to allow for a more immediate view of the guards and guard dogs. They are ‘here’ and not just an unknown ‘where.’ The comma after ‘here’ is necessary because it is a clarifying word, and technically is not necessary. The sentence functions perfectly well without it. Lastly, the comma between the two dependent clauses eliminates a comma splice and allows the two subjects to have their own space.

Overall, this story is very well written, and is very engaging. I highly recommend it to anyone intereseted in the Killugon ship, or anyone who just wants a good read. You can find it here.

after our first date we became “official” and spent a lot of time together as well ♡ we went to a wedding dressed similar, which was cute. .

then when we ran World of Darkness together, after the dungeon when everyone left we decided to look around. there was this one spot that I thought was so pretty. . and it would be cute if a proposal happened there :o 

the day I decided to propose (because overblech probably would’ve took forever to~ ) I said that I had “something cool in WoD to show”. . and I did :D after everyone left, we went back to that same spot. . and I proposed :o

after that we actually both race changed a few weeks or so before the wedding, and we just spent more time together, running stuff, and I was being taught how to tank (because bae is too pro at tanking) also I was farming for Kirin. . which was *not* a good time ;u;.

First date ♡