#lifewithgi

There are times where this blog will take a different turn in reflection.  And today is one of those times where I’m about to get really real with you, and you may or may not like it.

Recently, I experienced where I wasn’t ready for something, but I did it anyway.  Things you should know:

God will always have His way

You shouldn’t do something you aren’t prepared for

Let me explain:

I am a person that has always been head first about relationships.  Just go and the rest will fall into place is what I’ve always thought.  First and foremost, make sure that the person you’re trying to do something with is your best friend first.  Don’t just go all willy nilly thinking you can get to know a person without understanding the getting to know you part.  You end up isolating in a lot of that capacity because you want to please that person so much.  Which brings me to the fact that you can’t let that person be your god.  With a little “g”.  It’s very important to understand that God is God and gods are idols that God will demolish.  He will not accept anything before Him, so don’t even try it.  Just like Elisha (? I think it was Elisha...) called on God before the priests and priestesses of Baal and the sacrifices of the offering was consumed with fire, God will do that to you.  He will either use the fire to consume the idol or refine you.  Often times, it’s both.  

If you’re in a relationship with someone, remember that you must be willing to die to self daily.  DAILY.  That is something I’m not willing to do just yet with another person.  I’m not willing to sacrifice it all for someone because I haven’t gotten to know anyone well enough yet to sacrifice it all on the line.  I think and contemplate about giving things up.  But it’s like sugar... if you cut it dry, you will have diarrhea.  Go slow and steady, and be prepared for any repercussions that come with it.  I know for me, personally, cutting all at once leaves a mess.  I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person.  Everything is black and white.  I’m not quite ready to just go slow. So God decided He was going to make me reverse and go slower than a snail to show me patience and the beauty in the waiting.

If you’re in a relationship, give yourself time to adjust.  Give yourself some time to heal in the process.  Don’t over-expect too much of the other person.  Set a standard, observe from a distance, and watch if that person fits that standard.  I am a person that is like the puppy distracted by shiny new objects in the window.  Perseverance is not my strong suit.  That’s with anything.  So in the meantime, I will be taking a moment to just be.  Literally, being me is all I need to be right now.  I’m 25.  I serve the author of time.  There is no such thing as too late in life to have anything as long as you wait on God’s perfect time.  Don’t put a time limit on yourself.  Spend time understanding yourself in as much time as you spend trying to get to know God’s voice, too.  Over the past few weeks, I have spent more time trying to understand God and listen for the Holy Spirit, which has caused me to be as obedient as possible.  Obedience is a hard thing.

Which reminds me: 

If the Holy Spirit tells you to do something, do it right the first time, and don’t give lip. 

The more lip you give, the more that lip will swell and bleed when it’s slapped with truth.  Hard.  I’ve written before and I’ll write it again: if the person isn’t bringing you or you aren’t bringing them closer to Christ and there’s no challenge in your spiritual walk, then you aren’t doing it right.  The objective is for you to do anything and everything in your power to not hurt them in front of Jesus and get Jesus to say “well done” at the end of it all.

I may be concerned about his feelings in the natural, but I’m more worried about how badly I hurt his walk and hurt Jesus feelings in the spiritual sense and in the long run.

I appreciate all the prayers right now, fam.  Going to say mine right now.

Peace and love,

Dear Single Woman in her 20’s,

 I’ve been you.  I’ve been bitter.  I’ve been frustrated.  I’ve been the “so strong and independent I don’t even need a man” girl.  I have been her.  I’m not denying the fact that you are that person.  I’m actually going to share with you some advice that I think will be helpful that changed my opinion about a lot of things.  And this may not change your view or perspective as you scroll through Facebook, Instagram, your text messages with engagement and pregnancy announcement after announcement.  This is all normal to feel.  The green eyed monster that you have towards your dear friends that you may not even notice is there, well, it’s there.  I want to let you know it doesn’t always have to be this way.

 In June 2015, I picked up a book that had been long recommended to me.  Let me tell you, there is no book other than the Bible with basic principles that will give you the advice you need to be content in your singleness.  There is no cure for being a single woman.  It is not a disease.  It is actually one of the most amazing times of your life.  And while I didn’t live in singleness for very long, I know that it is so beautiful, as that is where I discovered some of the most incredible words of wisdom from God comes in being alone. To be alone doesn’t necessarily mean you are needing to be lonely.  You have some amazing people in your life.

 As a single woman, I went out with my girlfriends.  I went on beach vacations, got to travel to favorite destinations (i.e. Baltimore and Nashville), and even got to see family that I don’t hardly get to see unless I’m single.  Being single was a gift.  It caused me to be present and to pour over into people I wouldn’t have been able to pour into previously.  Part of that was investing in my other single friends.  I had unique experiences as a chronic dater that rivaled that of a married woman who had been twice divorced with several children.  Nothing wrong with any of these experiences as they are unique to each person.  I feel as though it is an opportunity to learn.  

 Lessons that I walked away with:

 1.     You don’t have to be married with children to be fruitful and multiply.  To be fruitful is to be bearing a positive fruit of some kind. This can be in the form of social justice, mentoring, volunteering, or a combination of the three.  We have an opportunity to be married to Christ at the fullest extent.  Have you ever wondered “wow! I have so much time on my hands… what am I going to do?” This is perfect for you to “go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands” that Christ has given you. Do not despise this time period.  To be fruitful and multiply is a command given to increase the kingdom, not just flood the earth with bodies.  You can multiply more as a single person as you don’t have to worry about your small clan.  You could either multiply and disciple your own 2.5 children and wait until they are 18 in order to go and continue multiplying in the congregation, or you can be an Ekklesia and love as a single person unconditionally.  Let your heart grow in capacity for those that are seeking love in all the wrong places.  Don’t just judge righteously, live righteously.  Actions spread like wildfire more than words.  We know celebrities say wild things all of the time, but how often do they stay in the spotlight.  Take the “one hit wonder” concept of music.  That person has something catchy that makes them a ton of money for about ten seconds, and suddenly in ten years they are a nobody. Do you remember Carly Rae Jepson for anything other than “Call Me Maybe?” Or what about Kylie Minogue? Or what about the guys who did “Mambo #5”? These people had something relevant to say at the time, but did they actually leave a longer impact? Legacy means to build a home. That was the original intent of the word legacy.  Are you building a home in Christ where people know where to search for the source? Are you leading people to water? Or are you just so focused on building a minor legacy with your white picket fence or palatial digs?

2.     Contentment in Christ begins with understanding your identity in Christ.  My aunt used to send me identity confessions for the morning that would include scriptures I could speak over myself. Part of that was Ephesians 2:10—We are God’s masterpiece; Colossians 2:10—We are made complete in Christ; Romans 8:2—We are set free from the power of sing that leads to death… More than this, there were scriptures that told me of my intelligence and aptitude more than any written test, ones that told me of my value in heaven, and ones that told me about my mental health.  If you don’t understand the concept of being loved beyond measure by a God who is not a man that He should lie, then you are missing out on one of the greatest fulfillments in life.  One cannot begin to understand that a man cannot fulfill the deep gaping hole in their heart until they search the scriptures that God designed man to have a family.  He desires and longs to be loved in return, even if not in the same way that He loves us. He wishes for relationship.  Our earthly relationships are just outward reflections of what God is doing inside of us.  If your relationships with people in general are failing, look at what your relationship with God is like.  It’s very important to locate the pinpoint for which God has designed your wheels to turn. You have to know how He designed you in the precious and unique way that you have been designed.  Additionally, you have to understand how you communicate best with Him before you decide to reach out to others. This is the first, most beautiful #relationshipgoal that you will need in your life as the very foundation.

 Once I realized I could multiply my spiritual children and then communicate more effectively in prayer, I soon said “I don’t think I need a man.” Not out of bitterness, but because I was completely satisfied with my relationship with Christ being primary. In this new season, God is still primary, and my boyfriend knows this.  He is 100% supportive.  I’ve always said that relationships with people should glorify God more than together than if you are apart rather than to just be in a relationship to satisfy the need to fill in a gap that wasn’t meant to be filled by man anyway.  When love first awakens, it is for the purpose of developing a relationship with Christ (credit: Lisa Bevere). However, the world has distorted it.  Now, we are in a very different place in the world, and we need to take some of the very things used to protect us (the original design of man and woman was to protect one another, not expose each other).  

 So single woman, I encourage you, love you, admonish you, and feel with you.  I often as an individual in a relationship still think of how I can focus on me, but I’m not the single woman anymore.  I am now in a different challenge: relationships are meant to challenge for sacrifice, not for selfish ambition to satisfy yourself. You have other people to account for IN ADDITION to your submission to Christ.  I’m still working on it.  Keep this in mind, and enjoy the freedom of being single.

 Yours truly,

Is it, though? Is it really? I hear this a lot.  My life is a lot of things, but dope... I beg to differ on several occasions.

I’m preparing to move to Tennessee.  This is the most calculated move I’ve made in a long time, because honestly, it’s the most God orchestrated move.  For a while I was confident in this transition.  Right now, I could pee my pants.  I’m starting from scratch.  I have really like one really good family that I’m friends with there as a support system for anyone even remotely near me.  Other than that, I’m going from the very beginning.  Dear Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the saints, and all of the archangels, I need a hedge of protection.

I’m going single

I’m working in an at-home environment

My closest family will be about 2-3 hours away

But the best part is...

I will have all of the excitement of a true adventure that’s been prepped in advance.  

My dear friends, what you should know about me and my last trip to Tennessee:

I decided to move and two weeks later, I found my roommates on Craigslist, bought a Greyhound ticket, packed up whatever I had in my closet that I thought would attract people to me (which happened to include a multi-colored tutu, colorful tights, and a vest), and prayed with the two pennies that I rubbed together (my bank account read $1.45).  I seriously was going on an adventure then without any idea of what I was about to get into.  I just used the excuse “I feel called there.” I reflect back on it now and can honestly say it was a manic episode.

For those who haven’t read my blog before and are new here, Hi! My name is Gi or Gillian, whichever you prefer, and I used to  have bipolar disorder.  I am officially free of that diagnosis and am thriving.  I go to counseling regularly and talk about the things that bother me.  I have great stress management and now I’m working on additional heartwork.  So, if you thought that I was joking with the manic episode, I’m not.  I was unmedicated and running from myself.  Everything that could’ve gone wrong at the time did.  

Fast forward to 25.  I’m no longer hormonally imbalanced.  Quite frankly, I am a queen at handling the most painful situations (if you only knew the junk).  I am also learning how to be social.

A few things for my future ‘Boro family to know:

I love dogs, so if you have one at your home and invite me over, I will probably ask to pet your dog more than pet your children’s hair

Yes, I do pet children’s hair because people do it to me all of the time

I love to bake and cook, so be prepared for big bellies

I also love to host people, so I will have many weekends where I will make room for someone to hang with me in my new digs

I am an extroverted introvert, so my awkwardness isn’t on purpose

Include me in as much stuff as possible, please... I promise I’m only slightly weird

I am really looking forward to bonding with new people and creating a new family.  I don’t know how I’m going to fit in, but I’m going to do my best to be as calm as possible so that I don’t stick out too much.

Also, you should know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE wisdom.  More seasoned veterans in my community make me feel like I’m sitting at the feet of Jesus.  I love listening to Rabbis tell me all of the secrets of God and how they have thrived in uncomfortable circumstances.  I love deep long conversations that engage my mind and my heart over coffee (because apparently I really like coffee these days).  If I ask you about your story, I don’t just mean how you came to know Christ.  I mean, what makes your heart beat.  I want to know all of your passions.  If you tell me this could take a while, I’ve got a while. 

Now, my East Coast family might be wondering “what in the world is bringing you to the slow south?”

First of all, the south is more than just a pace, it is a culture of living that knits people together the way that events and sociableness knits us together up north.  I also will tell you I firmly believe God has prepared my heart for such a culture and to blend my culture with theirs.  God has really pressed upon my heart for about a year now to just go.  I’ve given Him excuse after excuse and they all have come up short.  Just when I thought I was comfortable again with this decision, God is pushing me beyond my comforts.

My friends, let me tell you one thing I have come to understand about this amazing Father we serve: 

He does not call the qualified.  He qualifies the called.

You don’t understand: I’m the most anxiety plagued and fearful person, but I had to tell myself “Gill, my sweet soul, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  You are above and not beneath, the head and not the tail.  You are blessed and highly favored.  God is working all things together for your good because He’s intentional in mapping together plans of prosperity for your hope and future.  He will lead you beside still waters and draw you near to pant for Him and long after His soul.  God has got your back physically, spiritually, emotionally, and will fill those gaps as long as you rely on Him. Be gracious with yourself and be content in His timing.  He may move faster than you imagine or slower than you hope.  Be open to hearing His voice.” Prayer is my form of communication with Him right now because I don’t know any other way.  I’ve been distracted left and right (a story for another time), but God has been gracious enough to give me hope that the blinders I had up in the first place will propel me forward, not hold me back.

I’m 25 years old.  In my short 25 years, I’ve traveled to 6 different countries, touched 3 different continents, and have been to the islands time and time again.  I have seen both coasts of America.  I boast quite a large resume when it comes to world travel.  My taste buds, on the other hand, had only been palatable towards Latin dishes.  Rice and beans with lots of garlic and potatoes and tomato sauce, pork chops, and fried plantain.  For breakfast, eggs was a must.  If not, I’d have avena.  For lunch, sandwiches of the American variety were common.  Bologna sandwiches.  With mustard and mayo.  Or tuna sandwiches with tomato on toast.  

Within the past year, I’ve had to learn that not everyone likes these flavors, and that’s what makes the world so beautiful.  You have to embrace the cultural differences and not get so caught up in the “I’m right about my taste buds, and I’m right about how I handle situations.”  I had to take a long hard look at myself based off of my last travel out of the country and pull it together afterwards and realize I wasn’t me.  

When you travel, you have to take different vaccinations and medications so that you are not exposed to something that could be potentially life threatening.  What they don’t tell you is the side effects it could have with your current regimen.  

Isn’t this how we are in our “American way?” We say we want culture.  I know lots of girls and guys that say they want a “foreign” partner, someone “exotic,” but forget that their taste buds are probably different.  Did you know that dating a girl of Muslim descent and you being Christian could cause a great divide in the culture and family ties.  She may be forced to choose between you and her family.  Are you ready to be responsible for that type of decision?  What if she influences you to draw near to her faith, and suddenly your family cuts you off? What if you guys don’t work out?  Where does that leave you two?  Where does that leave you or her from estranged family members?  That is hard to think about.

Isn’t this also true of people who come to America hoping for the “land of the free,” but aren’t prepared for their taste buds to be exposed to such harsh realities?  I am a minority.  While I don’t like to admit it, and the majority is a minority, I am still a minority in many aspects.  

I’m a woman

I’m a darker colored woman

I’m a mixed culture woman who doesn’t have any identity other than what her skin appears to be

I think the reason it bothers me so much to be called “white woman” is because as I explained to a friend, I have not had white privilege my whole life.  I have had to fight intellectually for opportunities that wouldn’t have otherwise been afforded to me.  Even recently, I have been discriminated against by a white man because of the color of my skin.  That is just very wrong and hard, but it is the reality we live in.  I’ve been fetished and fantasized and told I’m “exotic.” What is exotic anyway?  Isn’t that a variety of fruit?  My skin and features do not make me any more exotic than that of an Iranian woman, Filipina, Togan... you name it, I’m no different.  

I want to have children that accurately represent the boundless similarities in humanity.  I want my children to look different, act different, think different.  And I will raise them to be completely different from other people.  I won’t give them an opinion on tattoos and piercings.  They can form their own, and until they do, I will keep mine hidden.

I believe that humanity is like art.  It is beautiful and speaks volumes, but only if you are passionate about it.  You cannot sit and think that your faith in humanity will be restored simply from sitting on the sidelines.

Christianity.  What a novel concept.  By definition, it means to be Christ-like.  To be a follower of Jesus. Love your neighbor.  Jesus sat at the table with Judas, knowing he was to betray him, yet broke bread and drank from the same cup as him.  He knew Judas would betray Him, and He still invited Judas into His life.  He included Judas.  He considered Judas a brother.  

Jesus was more interested in the Gentiles who had no reference to who the Messiah would be than in the Jews who were pious in their demeanor.  

Paul, he took 39 lashes 5 times just to be accepted by the Jews, and he still wasn’t accepted.  Paul was robbed, beaten, bruised, betrayed, spat upon, shipwrecked, stranded, and so much more.  Paul did not grumble.  I’m sure in his head he muttered words that any human would mutter, but he never spoke them out loud.  Because he knew the power in the tongue.  Paul was a follower.  No one more Christ-like in a human example than Paul.  I mean, Jesus loved Paul so much--the man stoned men AND women who were followers of Christ, nailed them to crosses, and threw them in jail--but Jesus loved Paul so much that He made a personal appearance to ensure the travel of His message.  Jesus knew that if someone could be so passionate against Him, how much more could that person be passionate for Him.  This is critical.

We as humans don’t always think things that are different are good.  We often look at differences as a negative way to separate.  Then, there’s integration.  But true inclusion is going out of your way to make a friend with someone opposite you with no ulterior motive other than to love them.  Differences make humanity colorful in more than just skin.  If we all looked alike, the idea of “exotic” wouldn’t exist.  If we all sounded alike, there would be either no Beyonce or there would be a Beyonce everywhere.  If we all dressed alike, I guarantee we’d be in some kind of weird cult like earth.  Imagine if the wold was devoid of color.  That isn’t a simple life.  That is a restless life of mediocrity and Androids would become the plight of humanity.  We’d be destined to be robotic in every sense of the word.  Color is in more than just sunsets of every hue of perfection.  Color exists in emotions.  Gestures carry color.  There would be no fashion world; no music industry; there wouldn’t even be architectural advances because no one would care to be greater than the other person.  

Complacency is an ugly place to be.  Comfortable is a hideous place to live in.  You shroud yourself in familiarity and never get the chance to explore life beyond yourself.  

My blog may not be for you.  There are millions on the Internet, and if you've chosen to sit and read mine, I appreciate it.  If you decide to pass this up, that’s ok, too.  That is your color to choose.  I will not make the choice for you.  For those who consider my blog a refreshing view into the mind of a multicultural woman who has struggled with mental health and finding her way in the world, please let me know if there is anything I can write about for you, or anything in particular you need to know.

Well, this has been a wild year hasn’t it?  In the past year, I have been broken up with more than I’ve been put together by said people who said they wanted to be with me, but had no room for commitment.  This goes for friendships and romance alike.  I’ve been told just how not good enough I am.  These are the truths that pushed me to greatness since my birthday last year and what I’m looking forward to in the coming year.

1. “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:37-39

There is NOTHING I can do that could ever possibly separate me from the love of Christ.  Ever… He has won me and will continue to show up no matter the time or day

2. “Then he said to me, ‘Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord ! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.  I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life.  Then you will know that I am the Lord.’’

So I prophesied as I was commanded.  And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.  I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, ‘Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’’ So I prophesied as he commanded me and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet— a vast army.”  Ezekiel 37:4-10

Speak to these bones, child.  Speak to death and give it life.  Don’t speak into the darkness and not expect light to come forth.  When you are being called to prophesy, it’s for the glory of heaven and you will rise up and come forth from dry bones ALIVE and WELL.

3. “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6

This one hit me in the gut during personal study time.  God, even when you’re done worrying, will STILL CARRY YOU until you continue to worry again, and even then HE’S STILL GOT YOU.  Not only that, but He’s going to continue to carry you UNTIL THE DAY OF COMPLETION.  There is no one who will see me to completion like God will.  He began a good work.  Nothing to harm me, but plans for a hope and a future! (Jeremiah 29:11)  Do you think that a God who has promised you such a thing and has proven Himself not only to you but to generations before you time and time again is going to leave you in your darkest hour or even when we think we have it all together?  Not a chance.  God is not a man that He should lie.  (Numbers 23:19)  If He could speak the world into existence with “Let there be,” surely He can do anything on your behalf that is within His will and will benefit you.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

I have had anxiety over the smallest things for the longest time now.  They have been building and building.  I am in uncharted territory right now.  As someone who has bipolar disorder, I have not known someone in my own natural life from day to day contact that has been married who also knowingly had bipolar before getting married.  They may have found out after, but not before.  It’s a fairly new-age diagnosis.  So, as someone who wishes to be married and have children, you can imagine my fear.  I am alone.  So alone.  I have no one to talk to about this.  No one can relate to me.  Worse yet, I haven’t met anyone who has a controlled diagnosis and is compliant with their medication or even does self care the way that I do.  It’s a three step system.  Medication management, counseling, and support system.  Without these three things, I’d fall apart.  I don’t think anyone but me has found this secret sauce.  So, again, you can see how my feeling alone is valid.  I feel half crazy, but people admire me for “having it all together.”  But what does that even mean?  I can tell you one thing: God is my saving grace.

Tonight, I prayed.  I prayed like I hadn’t prayed before.  And it wasn’t some lavish “Oh heavenly Father” prayer, either.  It was a simple conversation with my friend.  With my super duper awesome Father.  And while I didn’t hear an audible voice, I knew He was listening.  I cried.  I haven’t cried during prayer in a long time.  I think maybe six months.  This wasn’t forced tears.  This was just the overwhelming sensation of a couple of things.

God is awesome.

God is mighty.

I am so not worthy.

How can He love me?

What did I ever do to deserve someone to just listen to me and not respond when I needed the silence the most?

I lost it.  These five things alone had me in tears.  I may have felt alone in the natural, but certainly not in the supernatural.

I cried strong and long tears.  I cried about things I haven’t talked to God about before.  I cried about how alone I felt, which I only ever voiced to humans, not to God.  I cried to Him about how I was concerned I’d never be married (again, a friend conversation, not a conversation I took to God).  I cried about how I just didn’t want to be a leader anymore and how I’d just like to follow for a bit.  I cried about how I just needed to learn to be content in Christ.  I cried for a long while about how I just needed to be content in Christ because I had gone to others, but never petitioned to Him.  And then, the most amazing thing happened.

Peace.

I felt a peace in my room that I hadn’t felt in a while.  So what I’m weak.  Aren’t we all?  I’m not strong at all.  I have to rely on God.  His grace is sufficient, and I’m learning to see that now.  God’s big old arms wrapped me up and He kissed my forehead.  And just as He did, I felt compelled to tell you all about it, because I know you all need to hear it.  

God cares enough to be involved in even the smallest detail of your life.  It’s more than just petitioning for a husband.  It’s about petitioning for contentment in Christ.  For the first time in a long time, I let God love me in a big way.

It’s easy to get caught up in the scent of summer.  Sunblock.  Ocean.  Fire.  Grilling.  American summers are the most beautiful.  There is something about taking an adventure during the summer.  Do you remember the first time you were brave enough to go sky diving?  Rock climbing?  Swimming in an ocean? Jet skiing?  Summer just breeds dreamers and believers and adventurous people.  My good friend Nick is currently backpacking through Europe as part of a forty day summer vacation.  It’s amazing what we are willing to do when we get a small taste of freedom.  Have we ever though of what it means to be brave in real life though?  Not the brief two weeks vacation you get every year for holiday, but to be an ordinary hero.  I experienced that this week.

Psalm 37:3-7a

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

I’ve been reading Your Knight in Shining Armor by P.B. Wilson and couldn’t be more engrossed in a book.  It has such practical life application. In this, I was brave.  I have to be brave for myself in this critical time in my life.  In your early twenties, right before you’re married, in your single years, you are in a very important cross road.  You have to make life altering decisions that will affect the rest of your life.  You have to determine what field you are going to go in to. You are to determine what school you will attend, what your major will be... You have to make the most important financial decisions of a lifetime when you start working.  Even before you start working, in American culture, you have to decide if you’re going to take out a loan for school, a loan for a car, or a loan for just about anything else.  You have to determine how much debt you are willing to put yourself in just to get revolving credit.  I know.  I’ve done it.  I am digging myself out of school debt right now.

You also have to realize that you are on an adventure.  You are on the greatest adventure of a lifetime being single.  You have the opportunity to get to know God deeper.  So as part of a pledge in this book, I am going to be single for the next six months and not even entertain the thought of a relationship right now.  Sure, there’s a guy that I’m interested in, but I’ve made it clear to him that I plan on remaining single during this time so as to not get distracted from the goal.  That adventure of getting to know God deeper means I have to dive into His word and understand the diary He wrote to me.  I have to open up my prayer line and make my requests known to Christ... but here’s the funny thing (I learned this in church, but also found it to be true throughout my time): the more you pray to God, the less your prayer becomes “can you do ‘x’ for me?” and more “how can my heart look more like yours?”  The entire point of that verse is not to pray for the desires of your heart.  Ultimately praying for the desires of your heart will be replaced with the desires of God’s heart because He will come in like a floodgate and ruin your notions of perfection and build you His perfect will for your life.

I have struggled on and off with prayer.  I can sometimes be knee deep in my communication with God that I will be in my closet for three and four hours at a time just going to him with petitions.  I have found that when I’m experiencing a dry spell in life is when I’m not in my closet.  I know that being in my prayer closet for hours is not necessary, but at least saying hello will make the communication easier.  It’s like when you make a new friend.  You spend all of this time digging into getting to know them more.  What happens after those first few months?  You may only have a core group of friends like I do and text them once or twice a week.  Your friendship is great, but you just don’t talk that much.  However when you get together you are all about that person.  But what it should be like is how your relationship is with your parents.  Fortunately for me I have a great relationship with my parents, so I can say this from a really comfortable place.  I go and talk to my mom about ten times a day (because I live with her).  I speak to my dad for hours.  I go to my sister even about three times a day.  Why should we treat our communication with God any different?

James 4:3, 7-8

When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.  Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he will come near to you.

It’s pretty clear what James is saying.  He is calling us to be brave.  Resist the devil.  Draw near to God.  And during this great journey that I’m going on, even in the past week that I’ve decided this, I’ve been brave, and I’m reaping the benefits so much.  God has really replaced my selfish desires with His perfect will for my life.  It’s pretty awesome.