#lifemodelling

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…and not in the “amusing” funny way… Not saying this isn’t related, but I came off anti-depressants by accidentally going cold turkey about three weeks ago. I was taking 20mg of escitalopram per day, but thanks to an intersectional cock-up between my ADHD brain, Pharmacy2U and my GP, I ended up being unmedicated for five days. I had a GP appointment for a medication review already scheduled…

As I continued to go to more and more zoom life drawing sessions I began to think about what it was like to be a life model.  All that scrutiny from all those eyes.  Life modelling is not as you might think, it’s not just getting your clothes off and standing or sitting there, not as my first experiences with life models were - someone having a little snooze whilst a room of nervous students drew them.  Life models are artists too, they’re involved in their own creative process.  Some are putting on a performance, some being completely, openly themselves but they’re all creating dynamic, engaging poses.  And in these zoom sessions more so than in real life they are often more in control, getting less direction from the host but also having to create the set and sort out the lighting.

I inevitably began to compare myself to the models not physically but why wasn’t I more like these people who were so open, confident and unabashed.  I could never be like that - could I?  I love being naked, if I lived in a massive house on my own in the middle of nowhere I think I’d be naked most of the time but the thought of being seen in a swimsuit, no matter what state of relative fatness or thinness I am in, fills me with horror.

But I felt like I couldn’t do this ‘Body of Work’ without knowing what it was like to be a life model.  I’ve modelled for portraits before and actually been a model for Sally Whelan’s Gender Divine project but those were very different one on one sittings.  Through instagram messages with one of my favourite models I found out about an online life modelling course - perfect, I thought, this will give me a taste without having to actually do it.  I was really excited about it and told the kids all about it.  Alright, said my daughter, just don’t become a life model...

And I really enjoyed the course, it demystified it, relaxed me, taught me some protocols and etiquette.  And of course I immediately signed up to do a life modelling session.  Which obviously the children were thrilled about…

The session I signed up for had the massive advantage of being precordeed via video and then streamed.  This distance, not being in the room and not being live gave me much more confidence and control.  I was able to spend time creating poses that I knew would be interesting in terms of shape, composition and foreshortening.  I was creating paintings from the other side and when the session went out to around 70 people with me drawing alongside them and them commenting on the poses, I enjoyed it and loved their positive responses.  Even though some of my shapes and curves are actually sags and lumps and bumps I really didn’t care.  Far from being in a position of vulnerability I felt in control and completely liberated.  And as I was modelling for an organisation called All The Young Nudes at the age of 47 I felt like it was a small victory for ageing women everywhere.

I’m too busy working towards this exhibition at the moment but I’ve been asked to do some more sessions both virtually and in an actual room and, now that I've taken the first step, I just might.

(Someone also approached me to do some nude photographic work which involved bungee jumping and I decided that was where I drew the line - no-one needs to see stills of me in all my glory flapping around as I hurtle towards the earth - my daughter is very pleased that I have some sort of boundary…)

And yes I’m still mortified if I bump into anyone whilst I’m wearing a swimsuit.