Studio No 13

I’ve just finished this book - ‘Can you See Me?’ Co- authored by Libby Scott, 11 years old at the time, and Victoria Westcott.  It’s been an emotional morning.

It should just be called My School Days - how amazing, and slightly traumatic, to see my experience of school so clearly articulated in black and white.  I was constantly told ‘these are the best days of your life’ - they really were not.

Although obviously I never knew I was autistic then, and I mean I definitely couldn’t have been could I? Because I was a girl and it was the 80s… But oh my god, having just read my school reports from that time - it is quite clear that I was struggling - I can’t believe no one at school tried to help me… (actually there was a piano teacher who spent no time teaching me piano but a lot of time listening to me telling her how scared and paralysed I was by EVERYTHING).  Even if Autism, particularly in girls, wasn’t really a thing it is baffling that no-one acknowledged that something was going on.  Most of the focus in my reports is on how little effort I was making in trying to make friends.  Although there was a big list of reasons I was never going to fit in and a lot going on in my life - I didn’t know then that I would always be a bit of an outsider.  Thankfully schools now seem more open to the idea of giving pupils time, space and understanding. They actually listen to them - groundbreaking eh!?!

Back to this book - it clearly explains masking, pathological demand avoidance, meltdown, overwhelm - all in the format of a girl in year 7 trying to navigate that difficult step up to a secondary school where nobody understands her.

And I love the title - Can You See Me? I have always felt a little bit invisible, a little bit irrelevant, always made to feel my opinions, thoughts and worries not as worthy as those of others, or just plain wrong.  To compensate I had always made myself that little bit smaller, that little bit more accommodating in order to fit in, in order to get people to like me.  And then periodically I’ve exploded or completely retreated into myself when that became too unbearable, too unnatural. Bloody hell it was exhausting.

I highly recommend this book for the young people in your life - whether they’re autistic or not, to either see themselves or to gain understanding of others. 

Also brilliant for middle-aged, late-diagnosed autistic people because these books were entirely missing from our lives when we were young. 

We’ve just been away for two weeks - I took loads of boards, oil paint, inks, charcoal, paper - all that I could cram in the crappy red van and I haven’t touched any of it.  I have written a little, read a lot.  I’ve swum and walked in some of the most beautiful places on earth and all of them in Wales.  We were in a very cosy little house for four nights in Snowdonia, then three nights in our favourite campsite in Pembrokeshire - then seven nights (yes you read that correctly) at Greenman.

I’d had a very relaxing start to the holiday and I began to think I’d made a horrible mistake in going to Greenman - particularly for so long.  Too many people - lockdown is very much my preferred lifestyle, having to get up at six for a shower just to ensure you can get one without waiting for hours or the water running out and the toilets, well lets just say they were still disgusting despite having excellent environmental credentials.  This is the first time I’ve been to a festival without drinking cider all day and I think that this probably helps everyone forget how flipping arduous every, single, thing is.

And the programme would just change randomly with no warning or information - not good for my autistic brain.  My husband is very ‘go with the flow’ - I am very ‘where is the flow, what time does it start, who’s going to be there and what should I wear?’  It’s infuriating but I still love him despite his flaws…

Once I’d worked out how to cope with these things I had a very lovely time.

Greenman is ostensibly a music festival - although most of my highlights weren’t the music.  Obviously Kae Tempest was their usual brilliant, moving self and Katy J Pearson - loved her and her band.  And Jessie Buckley is as compelling a singer as she is an actor.  And the Chai Wallah tent is fun whenever you go there.

But my favourite things were - in chronological order - 

Unstuck in Time - a film about Kurt Vonnegut but really a film about the friendship that grew between him and the film-maker Robert Wiede, and life, and about just keeping on going when you don’t really know where it’s going.

Jess Phillips being interviewed by Caitlin Moran - seeing two women I so greatly admire with my daughter.  Jess Phillips is so determined and passionate but also straightforward, just wants to get on and get things done.  Brilliant!  And gave me some hope when everything seems so hopeless…

We also saw loads of comedy - the children have really extended their range of expletives.  Mark Steel was my highlight - I’ve always love his work on radio and his podcast - What the Fuck is Going On is ranty genius - but seeing him in real life I could barely breath for laughing and crying and cheering.

I watched and was loving the start of Shaparak Khorsandi’s set but after the fifth or sixth time she asked if all the children had left and she started talking about orgies I thought my 10 year old and I better leave… 

By Sunday I looked around and everyone was grubby, grumpy, fed up of their children, their partners, food is running out, toilets are filling up.  It appears to be the most middle class refugee camp, everyone has recently fled from the oppression of Lucy and Yak.

It’s Autism Awareness Week and it’s also about a year since I stopped pushing away the niggling, seemingly unlikely suspicion that I might be autistic and actually started to look at it properly.

For years, people would mention things about autism and they’d seem hauntingly familiar.  At every different stage in my life I didn’t quite fit in but there were also many ways I could explain away my difference.  I never thought to look at the fact that I literally thought differently, looked on the world and its situations from an alternative view point.

It was a Sue Perkins podcast with Hannah Gadsby that first made me look into it, do some reading, seek out more information -https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/hannah-gadsby/id1481218159?i=1000505189859.  The thing that really cemented it was a podcast with Maisie Hill of Period Power where she talks about her autism diagnosis - https://www.maisiehill.com/podcast/autism.

It was a proper lightbulb moment where every single thing resonated and meant I could no longer ignore it.  Most of the podcast is about harnessing the power of your menstrual cycle (just lost any men reading) but there are a few podcasts around this time where she discusses autism, her diagnosis and answers people's questions - all really helpful.

Since then it's been quite a year - all the emotions - mostly a massive relief of everything making sense but also more complicated ones, grief, resentment, moments of who the hell am I then, lots of what ifs, lots of smaller realisations, constant reassessing and making sense of things.   Questions answered, more raised - all running alongside the rollercoaster of the chaotic world we're living in.  And whilst it seems self indulgent I'm spending some time sorting all this out - trying to resolve these things because I want to make sure that this undersatnding is the positive thing it should be, an opportunity to make the most of my strengths rather than trying to imitate the qualities and live up to the expectations of others.  I want to break out of the cycle of surviving, surviving, coping, coping, crashing, breaking down and then building myself back up again.  I can see that cycle in my past so clearly now, over and over again and it's been destructive, debilitating and just plain exhausting not just for me but for my husband and my children too.

So I'm making my life smaller, my social engagements mostly one on one.  Spending time with people who enjoy that too, on people who are positive, understanding, supportive not subtly (or not so subtly!) undermining.  I can't believe it's taken me nearly 50 years to do this but I've always been so keen to please, to do the things I 'should' do, arrange the do, call the people. 

And of the people who know (and acknowledge) that I'm autistic - some people see it clearly and are understanding, curious and helpful, some don't at all and are sceptical or dismissive.  I think some people are wary because they don't want to look too hard at themselves.  That's the biggest thing about my newfound awareness - is that I see it everywhere now.  I see so many people who are autistic or have ADD - it's really not uncommon,  it's just not recognised and a little understanding would help an awful lot of people.

I worried at first that this discovery would change the way my husband felt about me but it doesn't seem to have done.  I have changed outwardly, I feel free to be more truly me but I think I always was with him and I think he always knew, it's just that neither of us knew that that was the word for it.

I’ll post some other links and things this week that might be useful for other people.

I went to the protest against the airport expansion on Saturday - organised by people who have spent years campaigning against the airport expansion.  In 2020 they won!  In February 2020 Councillors voted to reject Bristol Airport’s application to expand.  18 voted in favour of rejecting the application, 7 against and 3 abstentions.

Two years later this decision however was overturned by ‘government officials’ stating that the ‘socioeconomic benefits outweighed the harm.’

Some of their statements are laughable - “Other environmental effects have been assessed, including climate change, highways matters, air quality, as well as character and appearance, and biodiversity. These are considered to be neutral in the balance.’  Neutral? Two million extra passengers a year and the effect would be neutral??  I’m no expert but this sounds a bit like all those statements Boris makes - employment has gone up during the pandemic, I wasn’t at a party, Brexit will provide extra money for the NHS - all bullshit and bluster.  Let’s say whatever we want to get things done our way, let’s not listen to experts or scientists or modellers or statisticians - the truth doesn’t matter, integrity doesn’t matter, the greater good?  Who cares?  The RIGHT thing?  None of it matters, money, power, status is KING - and the truth is none of that will matter when there’s nowhere left to live.  It’s a terrifying problem and one which the government seems unable to take on, it is enormous and scary but it’s not going away by not facing it, by not tackling it.  

Saturday was emotional - all these speakers who’ve already done so much to fight this resigned to the fact that they have to do it all again.  I came back angry and upset - I couldn’t write about it straightaway.

That this government has trampled through all the processes they've been through to just decide that they’re going to overturn it is so typical of this government.  They have made all the right noises about the climate, COP26, targets etc but then Boris took a plane back to London from Glasgow. 

And the thing is we have to keep on fighting this because big decisions like this, expansions of airports vastly outweigh all the stuff we try and do ourselves.  I walk, cycle, take the bus or the train everywhere I can but this is small fry in comparison to an airport expansion practically on my doorstep.  I am by no means perfect and I’m forever realising I could be doing things better.  And then I walk to school and its like a a parade of enormous 4x4s, and those people who leave their engines running whilst they’re waiting to collect (who the fuck are you?).  And then there are the people taking unnecessary flights (hello Prime Minister) - surely if we’re learnt anything from the pandemic it’s that we don’t have to be in the same room or the same country to have an effective meeting.  Those people using stupid coffee pod machines, a little bit of landfill with every cup.  The people using disposable nappies, sanitary towels and tampons, little soap pumps, plastic boxes of washing liquid capsules, the list goes on and on - omigod I know that the some of the alternatives might be a bit less convenient but our convenience has got us in this mess and the only way out is to put ourselves out, to do some work.  It's going to be a lot more convenient than battling fires and floods and famine that will be the reality if not for us then certainly for our children and grandchildren

I drive my husband mad - if we haven’t got our cups with us we can’t get a coffee anywhere unless they’ve got real cups, I won’t get take-aways or buy things in M&S food because their packaging is like actual tupperware.  I haven’t bought a new bottle of shampoo or washing up liquid or bathroom cleaner for years - we just refill.  If we’ve run out of milk we can’t just pick some up on the way home from somewhere because I need to get my glass bottle to refill it.  Yes I know I should be vegan.  Yes it is (and I am) a complete pain in the arse but I can’t just ignore it.

But who are all these people that think it doesn’t apply to them that they are immune to climate change?  Do they really think it’s not happening?  Money and status, enormous cars and fancy holidays are not going to protect them from all the challenges to come.

A friend gave me The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett for Christmas and this has finally got me back to reading!  Apart from occasional spurts when I’m camping or when friends write brilliant novels (The Talk of Pram Town - thanks Jo Nadin!) I’ve been completely unable to read during the plague years and I LOVE books.

Anyway getting this new book spurred me on to finish ‘Beautiful World, Where Are You’ by Sally Rooney.  I’d bought it as a present to myself in September to read after the chaos and rush of my exhibition was over but the chaos and my busy brain never seemed to stop.  Anyway, quite a way into the Christmas holidays, I seemed to have uncurled enough to finally read.  Loved it - love the way she writes interactions, and looks, and thoughts.  It sort of rambles on and ponders (like me!) and nothing really happens but it's just sort of beautiful.  Has already been nicked by a friend…

And then on to the Christmas present - The Vanishing Half - I’d heard no hype, no expectations but devoured it.  A proper page turner and it’s about passing yourself off as something else.  And gradually it made me think about my own passing, my masking, my trying to fit in - I’m not sure if my friend had intended me to make that connection but anyway brilliant - highly recommended.  Sending this off to someone tomorrow! 

Next was Wintering by Katherine May - a book I’d secretly bought myself when I’d been to an exhibition before Christmas (the Arnolfini’s bookshop is just lovely).  I say secretly because I’d read about it, knew I’d love it but then I had to smuggle it back past my husband into the houseful of books I haven’t read yet.  I haven’t had a problem buying, borrowing or picking up books in the last 2 years just actually having the headspace to read.  It’s subtitled ‘The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times’ and that’s what I’m all about at the moment, it was as gentle, comforting and resonant as I’d wanted it to be.  Off to another friend…

And then Odd Girl Out by Laura James, another in my growing autism library.  Another woman that in mid life has a revelation that makes so much sense of the rest of her life and wonders how to go forward from there.  If anyone needs to know where I am right now then just read the last page of this.  Highly recommended.

Before I started reading another book I started listening to The Electricity of Every Living Thing (Katherine May again).  It's read beautifully by her, another autism realisation memoir told through a pilgrimage along the south west coast path.  I’m only halfway but I’d say it’s required reading (or listening) for anyone trying to better understand autism.  In tears listening yesterday because of the familiarity and similarities - obviously right before the school run. 

And concurrently I’ve picked up Sorrow and Bliss - everyone’s talking about it which sometimes puts me off but enjoying it so far.  Slight trepidation that I’m going to find this very familiar too…

Interview with Varosha – a fine artist and friend - Kendra Futcher 02/12/21

Making this interview happen was like trying to catch a leaf blowing in the wind. Turns out, it was worth the chase. Our first meeting was in late November 2021, in my kitchen over soup, soda bread and strong coffee. 

Varosha is a fine artist, mother, and friend in my village; I was drawn to her in week 2 after we’d made the bold leap from smoggy, sassy Peckham to sleepy, safe Long Ashton. I clocked her red lipstick, cool kicks, and shaved head, and figured she had a story to tell. The smell of the city lingered heavily on her, and I was pining for it. It was a meeting of minds as much as anything else and this interview proved to be balm for my tired mind. We slurped leek and potato soup and ate warm soda bread as we chatted. Then the call came from the school. Frida was ill and needed fetching. We paused. To be continued. 

We picked up again a week later. This time at her house over apple cake and coffee and the distinct smell of oil paint. We were both frazzled by the lethal cocktail that’s December and Covid. Returning to our conversation, it felt necessary and important. As we chatted, I realised just how important it is that we give artists a voice as well as a canvas. A chance to think about their work. About why they do what they do and how it makes them feel. 

Interviewer: I know how I would talk about your work, but how would you describe it? 

Varosha: My works predominantly focused on portraiture and people. Occasionally still life and landscape creep in, but it’s always sparked by something personal. I realise what I see comes from the way I feel about something as opposed to the way it looks. It’s not about visual appeal. 

“My still lives are born out of things that have meaning – there’s always an element of self.” 

Interviewer: What inspires you? 

Varosha: People. I’m fascinated by them. I’m interested in the tiny elements that make up the whole person. But it’s so much about me. I’ve recently realised I’m autistic, and one of the typical traits is being socially awkward. So, it makes sense that people are one of my specialist interests. 

Interviewer: What challenges you? 

Varosha: Sometimes things just flow and work. Other times, I can’t paint. I’ve become adept at finding my way around things. I find it hard to paint people I’m close to; it can be difficult to portray the intricacies of who they are. Although I’ve been enjoying painting my daughter recently. I think it comes down to closeness and where you’re at with the relationship. She’s 12 and that age feels recent to me. 

Interviewer: Do you have a creative process? 

Varosha: I’m often working towards a thing. An exhibition or competition. Commissions are difficult as I can lack inspiration when it’s not my choice of subject. I think the process is easier when I’m inspired.I need some time to create for the sake of creating. When I’m not working towards something. I’m unrestricted. 

Interviewer: I notice you exploring different materials. Do you have a preference? 

Varosha: I love oil paint. It gives you the freedom to use it in so many thicknesses and different applications. It changes with different surfaces and really allows you to experiment with colour palettes. I welcome the discipline and it makes for a more cohesive painting. 

Interviewer: Your work has a distinct colour palette. What’s your relationship with colour? Varosha: The colour is born out of the energy you get from a subject – and from yourself at that given moment. I love being disciplined with colour and welcome the restriction it imposes. I don’t use a lot of earth tones – it’s a very limited palette. 

Interviewer: What do you get out of the process of life drawing? 

Varosha: I find it meditative. I enjoy that it makes you work at pace. You often get to a good result quickly. It feels fresh and quick. I have an immediate response to a model and a connection with them and this creates momentum. 

Interviewer: I saw your recent exhibition, A Body of Work at Centrespace – it felt very raw and intimate. What was it born out of? 

Varosha: When I was asked to do it, my plan was to focus on Mexico after a long-awaited trip there. I wanted it to be a celebration of life and death. But then we found ourselves in a global pandemic and anything to do with death seemed inappropriate. I did lots of life drawing in lockdown and became fascinated with our confidence around our bodies, womanhood, motherhood, and ageing. How we should be in our bodies and how we should feel in our bodies. It just flowed. 

Interviewer: You spend a lot of time painting alone and your work as an artist is very solitary. How did the exhibition make you feel? 

Varosha: Liberated. Free. It was a release. There’s so much power in vulnerability. Having a purpose gave the work real integrity. 

Interviewer: What does Body of Work tell us about you? 

Varosha: I’ve always felt incredibly vulnerable. Skinless really. I’m easily upset and easily emotional. I find immense comfort in being true to myself. Being feeling. 

Interviewer: How do you define success? 

Varosha: It’s nothing to do with money. It’s about respect from fellow artists and believing that you’ve made good work. Financial success comes at a price. I admire artists that produce work that makes them push themselves. When you believe in it, it often tends to sell anyway. 

Interviewer: Do you resist finality? How do you know a piece is finished? 

Varosha: This is something every artist struggles with. But there’s so much in an unfinished piece of work. Finishing can feel like losing energy. It’s awful you overwork something and it dies.

Interviewer: How much of yourself do you give to your work? Are some pieces more demanding than others? 

Varosha: If a piece is going wrong, I put it to one side for a while and come back to it. I remind myself that it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes I’ll do a wash of colour all over it, look at it upside down or change the angle or perspective. I usually need to leave it or attack it in a radical way. 

Interviewer: I know as a writer I can hit a wall in terms of ideas or flow. How do you deal with a block? What stops you working? 

Varosha: It happened when the kids were small. Now, I constantly have too many ideas. Sometimes I can’t paint very well for psychological reasons. Often, I have lots of titles for paintings whirring around my head, and no time to paint them! 

Interviewer: Is there an artist’s life story that resonates with you? 

Varosha: Frida Kahlo or Georgia O’Keefe… I wonder how life would have been if I had been married to an artist. 

Interviewer: If you were only allowed to have one painting on your wall at home, what would it be? 

Varosha: Family Group by Celia Paul – one of Lucien Freud’s lovers… She did lots of paintings of her mother. There’s a bleakness and loneliness to her work which I love. I saw it in the All Too Human exhibition at the Tate Modern.

 “There is so much feeling and rawness in her work. That’s why I paint.”

Interviewer: I know that painters are often their harshest critics. Is there one piece of your own work you would have on the wall above any other? 

Varosha: The nude of Miriam in Body of Work… It was a culmination of everything leading up to the exhibition. I love its fleshiness. Or perhaps an earlier painting I did of my son, Sid.

Every painting represents a marker, a moment in time. Me as an artist, stepping up and evolving.

Varosha 

https://www.portraitsandotherpaintings.com/ https://www.rwa.org.uk/blogs/artists/varosha-cornford 

My Body of Work collection is a series of studies from zoom life drawing and paintings developed from those sessions.

People can be a bit sniffy about online life drawing - they seem to dismiss it in the same way they do working from photos.  But I've fully embraced it  - on a purely practical level I can get there easily and I don't need childcare, not only do I not have to think about those things - I don't have to pay for them either.  So I can go regularly.  Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week.  Rather than the, if I was lucky, once every 2 or 3 months. Also I have all the materials and surfaces I could possibly want to hand so that I can respond to that particular model (or my mood!) accordingly.

And then there are so many other brilliant things, different camera angles, more intimate, closer views, models who are in control of their environment and set up and are putting their heart and soul and full creative force into it.  I even like the things that some might see as drawbacks, the dodgy connections that mean the image is pixelated, the strange colours sometimes, the bleaching out of the model.  And the fact that once I knew I liked the way a model worked I could follow them on instagram and go to any of their other sessions all around the world.

My favourite and most frequent models during lockdown have been the wondrous Mirjam, who I’m always banging on about (@mitgoldrand), Trixie (@trixiedivine) and Emily (@emilymetalskin) - there have been many others but I can’t mention them all!

(Probably should mention the brilliant @darylhembrough too - a Bristol life model but also all over the place online - I’ll get in massive trouble if I don’t mention him!)

They each bring their own unique approach to life drawing, whether its the creativity, body positivity, sheer natural confidence, theatricality - sometimes sittings are serene calmness, sometimes they are insanely bonkers.

Some life drawing groups seem to be winding down their online life drawing but I'll still be going to the ones that aren't - in reality I'm not going to manage to get to any more 'real' life drawing classes that I did in the olden days!

So here's a little round up of my favourites -

First up is Wokingham LIfe Drawing Society - run by painter Mick McNicholas - it's just straight forward, a model, a brilliant playlist and 2 hours of drawing - no frills, no themes, no showing your work at half time (which makes me cringe!).  This was my first and I think probably still my favourite.  Life Drawing on a Monday night and Portrait fortnightly on a Thursday.

London Drawing is also brilliant - they do portrait on a Saturday afternoon and life drawing on Saturday Morning and Tuesday Evening.  Great models from all over the world - lots of thought goes into the set up, the theme, there are tutors making suggestions etc, there's a lot of showing your work in the break (but I never do - I spend the time getting surfaces or materials ready for the next pose or making a cuppa!)

Drawing Life Glasgow has brilliant creative sessions - they seem to have gone back into the studio for life drawing but there are still lots of online portrait sittings.

Art Makes Sense Life Drawing based in Amsterdam do fabulous themed life drawing on a Wednesday evening - great models, good playlists, really friendly - you can buy recordings of some of the sessions too.

Also great is Judith Yaws - based in America - lots of life drawing every week, good models and interesting themes.

Quite apart from all the drawing and painting you also occasionally stumble across artists you didn't know about, materials you never knew existed and it sends you down a rabbit hole of research.  Also lots of galleries and institutions have been doing curator talks and things online, more things that I never would've got to - it's opened up lots of small worlds to me, sparked lots of thoughts and ideas.

There are free things too - Raw Umber does a free tutored portrait class (from a photo) once a month and there are other free resources on their website.  Occasionally other groups will do a free session - get on their mailing lists.  And the BBC's Life Drawing Live is still on iplayer.

I'm starting to hear about life drawing opening up again in Bristol too (in real life) - there's one every couple of weeks with Daryl at Hours Space - I'll write a post about others when I hear about them.  But for now I'm staying online.

I'm getting back on the other side of the easel and doing some modelling again in a couple of weeks - portrait this time much to the children's relief!  I've started my print course at Spike Island - so I'm continuing to work on the body but experimenting with all sorts of techniques.  And I still have a notebook full of thoughts and ideas and conversations from the exhibition to pursue - lots going on...

Some of my Body of Work collection is now available online at portraitsandotherpaintings.com or varosha.co.uk.

There will be a Body of Work II exhibition at the Carlton Tavern in Maida Vale in London in November and December.  Get in touch if you'd like more info or an invite to the Preview Night on 18th November.

email - [email protected]

@varosha on instagram

www.facebook.com/varoshaartist/

At the end of 2019 I went through a period of massive change.  We went away for a long, long awaited and long saved for holiday to Mexico.  It had been everything and more than we could’ve hoped for.  Three weeks of adventures and experiences and just being in the company of my husband and children and I loved it.  I came home feeling very buoyant.

Also around this time a good friend became very ill.  This made me look at myself and my life very hard - I didn’t want to waste any time.  I had so much I wanted to do.  And I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore.  So I just didn’t, I just stopped.  

So I was already reprioritising, seeing things a bit more clearly and on a change of course.

And then just a little way into 2020 everyone was forced to a halt.  We all got a load of time off from our lives, I’d always wanted the world to stop so that I could catch up and it had finally happened.  We all had to work and live and school and survive but in a completely different way, on our own.

And of course at first I panicked about EVERYTHING and worried about what the isolation would do to the kids, and what would happen if we caught it and how sick we would get.

But then I realised I loved life like this.  My mental health was better than it had been for years.  I was actually thriving - I could actually just get stuff done in this environment, without panic attacks, without having to be ready, without all the faff of everyday life.  

No school run, no awkward gatherings of people you don’t really know, no situations where you don’t really know what to say, no small talk - all excellent!  I’ve never really understood small talk - to me the whole point of conversation is that it should be engaging, interesting, inspiring even, preferably one on one - otherwise it’s just stopping me from doing the enormous list of jobs in my head.

And in the bit in between when we were sort of out again I mentioned to people about how I was going to keep lots of aspects of my lockdown life.  About how I was finally living in a world that suited me.  And I was met with confusion.  A sort of strangled voice or a wild eyed stare that said are you mad?  We definitely need to be out again, eating out, shopping, going to the cinema, meeting friends, doing, doing, doing…

And don’t get me wrong - there are things that I missed - I missed art galleries - but they for me are quiet meditative spaces where you are having your own experience.  And comedy and music gigs but again these, without sounding too pretentious (which I always do), are about the art and my own reaction to it - not so much about the going out with friends.

That said I do love my friends but my friends are few and far between.  A sprinkling of people picked up from across the various bits of my life.  I don’t want to be in your gang, I just want to be friends with you because I like you.  My husband is a proper gang of friends type of person, he loves a big group.  He approaches social situations with ease whereas I approach them with a checklist of anecdotes should there be an awkward silence or a seemingly appropriate space for me to speak.  And in the past of course a belly full of wine or margarita.  

Drinking seemed to make me a bit more like everyone else and looking back I think that smoking just eases social sitiuations too - asking for a light is a way of starting a conversation and it’s much easier to leave a room by saying that you’re going for a fag than it is by saying, this is unbearable I need to leave!

During isolation I listened to podcasts and generally those that I listen to are artists talking very openly about their creative process and often their mental health.  And a couple really stood out and resonated, they mentioned autism and well, it all just sounded very familiar.

I’m 47 - I couldn’t be autistic could I?  How could I not have realised?  How could no-one have noticed?   I’ve had various mental health struggles for the last 30 years and this had never even occurred to me or anyone else apparently.  

And so, without even mentioning it to my husband at first, I read a bit more, I did some of those online tests and yes it seemed I might be.  I told my husband and made him listen to one podcast in particular that had had me weeping because I could’ve sworn it was me talking.  He agreed that many of the traits were completely me.  And then I spoke to a couple of friends who have autistic children and they helped me by recommending books and podcasts and also by just accepting my self diagnosis and not dismissing me.  

I know that there is a lot of stuff about neurodiversity about at the moment and I’ll be accused of jumping on this bandwagon.  And there will be lots of people who say you’re not autistic, you’re not like this or that, you’re not like this autistic person I know or my friend’s child.  The most useful thing that I’ve learnt in all my reading and listening and investigating is that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.

And that’s why people are writing about it, to raise awareness and in doing so there’s not just more understanding but there are realisations.  So of course more people come out of the woodwork - that’s the point (or at least part of it).  And that’s why I’m writing about it, because it might just help someone else.  So I’m ready for the stigma, the helpful opinions, the preconceptions and the misconceptions.  I’ve been mental since the 90s when it was definitely not ok to not be ok.

I’ve warned my kids that that might mean people think that I’m even weirder but they have reassured me that this is not possible.   The people that already know have been hugely supportive, understanding and helpful.  And of course now, after 40 plus years of trying to mould myself into all the things I was meant to be, I’m a mixture of the way I am and the ways I try to be but then aren’t we all?

I’ve always felt an outsider, somehow other, and this makes sense of all of that

So I’ve spoken to my doctor who is trying to get me a referral but I think a diagnosis will be a long, tortuous and possibly expensive process.  But for now I’m happy that I’m autistic, I’m content with my self diagnosis.  And I get that some might find that an odd thing to say but, having been labelled with so many mental health diagnoses that didn’t quite fit, it's a massive relief to see and understand myself more clearly.  

As I continued to go to more and more zoom life drawing sessions I began to think about what it was like to be a life model.  All that scrutiny from all those eyes.  Life modelling is not as you might think, it’s not just getting your clothes off and standing or sitting there, not as my first experiences with life models were - someone having a little snooze whilst a room of nervous students drew them.  Life models are artists too, they’re involved in their own creative process.  Some are putting on a performance, some being completely, openly themselves but they’re all creating dynamic, engaging poses.  And in these zoom sessions more so than in real life they are often more in control, getting less direction from the host but also having to create the set and sort out the lighting.

I inevitably began to compare myself to the models not physically but why wasn’t I more like these people who were so open, confident and unabashed.  I could never be like that - could I?  I love being naked, if I lived in a massive house on my own in the middle of nowhere I think I’d be naked most of the time but the thought of being seen in a swimsuit, no matter what state of relative fatness or thinness I am in, fills me with horror.

But I felt like I couldn’t do this ‘Body of Work’ without knowing what it was like to be a life model.  I’ve modelled for portraits before and actually been a model for Sally Whelan’s Gender Divine project but those were very different one on one sittings.  Through instagram messages with one of my favourite models I found out about an online life modelling course - perfect, I thought, this will give me a taste without having to actually do it.  I was really excited about it and told the kids all about it.  Alright, said my daughter, just don’t become a life model...

And I really enjoyed the course, it demystified it, relaxed me, taught me some protocols and etiquette.  And of course I immediately signed up to do a life modelling session.  Which obviously the children were thrilled about…

The session I signed up for had the massive advantage of being precordeed via video and then streamed.  This distance, not being in the room and not being live gave me much more confidence and control.  I was able to spend time creating poses that I knew would be interesting in terms of shape, composition and foreshortening.  I was creating paintings from the other side and when the session went out to around 70 people with me drawing alongside them and them commenting on the poses, I enjoyed it and loved their positive responses.  Even though some of my shapes and curves are actually sags and lumps and bumps I really didn’t care.  Far from being in a position of vulnerability I felt in control and completely liberated.  And as I was modelling for an organisation called All The Young Nudes at the age of 47 I felt like it was a small victory for ageing women everywhere.

I’m too busy working towards this exhibition at the moment but I’ve been asked to do some more sessions both virtually and in an actual room and, now that I've taken the first step, I just might.

(Someone also approached me to do some nude photographic work which involved bungee jumping and I decided that was where I drew the line - no-one needs to see stills of me in all my glory flapping around as I hurtle towards the earth - my daughter is very pleased that I have some sort of boundary…)

And yes I’m still mortified if I bump into anyone whilst I’m wearing a swimsuit.

Life Drawing in Isolation

My exhibition at Centrespace had been arranged in the Summer of 2019 - much simpler and more innocent times!  The intention then was for it to be about something else entirely and one day I may return to that.  In the meantime the in, out, hokey cokey of lockdowns and self isolations and homeschooling meant that my work sort of got squeezed into all the cracks of life.  And for a while I put all idea of the exhibition out of my head, I just wanted to get us all through it and then think about it afterwards - surely it wouldn’t last for long...

During lockdown I’ve worked on commissions and some landscapes from our lockdown walks, skyscapes from our fabulous view and quiet still lifes from the detritus of my life.  But then I discovered the world of online life drawing.  I started just to keep my hand in, we tend to treat life drawing like an exercise, a discipline, a warm up before the real work begins.  I had to book it, so I had to do it and there was an energy and urgency to it - I had to get as much out of each session as possible, try as many things, materials, surfaces.  And the more I did it the more involved I became…

And then this became THE thing. And eventually it dawned on me that my exhibition should be about this - my body of work - artists are alway supposed to be working on a body of work aren’t they - should be this work about bodies.

All the isolation has made me reflect, on my thoughts, opinions and priorities.  And all the life drawing made me think about our bodies, my body.  Bodies which we’re born into, which grow, develop, bloom, give birth, wrinkle, sag, live and die.  Bodies which we’re told should be this shape, not that, that should be not too thin, not too fat, about thigh gaps and fat rolls.  Bodies that we’re proud of, that cause us shame, that we shouldn’t flaunt, that we should cover up.  Bodies that we shouldn’t let go, that we work on, take care of.  That we decorate, adorn, tattoo and alter. Our bodies walk, run, dance, swim, sit, cuddle, caress and carry us out into the world

My residency at the garage gave me a great opportunity to work on great big paintings - the sort of things I find it difficult to do in my studio at home, because of space, time and distractions.  It made me braver and bolder and I’ve tried to bring this attitude home with me.  The exhibition will comprise everything from small studies, sketches and monoprints to large paintings.

And although I sort of stumbled into this theme, this body of work, due to the strange circumstances this exhibition isn’t a conclusion but rather the beginning of a further exploration.  The more I look at bodies the more fascinating they become - not just as forms but as symbols of who we are, how we are, and the ways we change.

Body of Work, Centrespace Gallery, Bristol Friday 17th - 22nd Sepember 2021

I wrote earlier this week about how uneasy I felt with all the restrictions lifting and I have managed to convince everyone at home that going to a festival is a really terrible idea and we’ve rolled it over again until next year.  We now need to find a campsite so that we do have some sort of holiday - ideally one with woodland (husband's requirement), lovely toilets and showers (my requirement), near a beach and yet also not near a beach (requests from the children)....

I sort of feel paralysed by it all though, the thought of booking anything just fills me with dread. 

Last week Half of Australia went into lockdown for less cases than we have in North Somerset.  And yet?!?! And yet we’re supposed to be out and about?!?  Bare faced and carefree?!?

What to believe?  I know I don’t believe this government so I’ll make up my own Covid rules...

On Thursday MP Dawn Butler got asked to leave the Houses of Parliament for calling out Boris for all of his lies?  

‘In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act' pic.twitter.com/Za82QjTidE

— Double Down News (@DoubleDownNews)

July 22, 2021

I appreciate we can’t have people in the commons calling people a liar on one off occasions but this????  This is a catalogue of lies, over and over again - not just the brexit millions for the NHS, not just the money for that woman he was shagging when he was mayor, not just saying that it was OK that Matt Hancock was not socially distancing from his (sex)aide, his clapping for the NHS when he’s also saying I don’t believe this stuff about the NHS being overwhelmed….

But also…

27 MILLION VIEWS! 27 MILLION!!! Working TOGETHER we have sent a powerful message to UK News shows if they won’t hold this Prime Minister to account for his rampant lying in Parliament we will do it ourselves! How long can you ignore it now @BBCNews? pic.twitter.com/PlvEkEij1V

— Peter Stefanovic (@PeterStefanovi2)

July 20, 2021

But where is the procedure for calling this out? If MPs can’t ask for him to account for himself in the House then who can?  If the BBC won’t report on the 30 million people who want him to account for his lies what do we do?  We’re in this ridiculous situation where the prime minister can literally say anything he wants and it doesn’t matter whether it’s the truth or not, and people still vote for him?  Because according to my extensive * research once a tory always a tory.

The tory vote is always guaranteed in many families (like mine) because once upon a time they let people buy their council houses (with no regard for what would happen to people who might need a council house in the future) and this made people believe they were interested in the prosperity of everyone….  And maybe there was once a sort of Tory government that was a sort of caring and parental, even if incredibly patronising, that was looking out for us but this current government is lying, self serving and bordering on facist. A huge step to the right from the party they once were.

Apart from the bill which tries to limit public protest by making sure we’re not too noisy or disruptive - this week the home office (Priti Patel) are pushing for changes to the official secrets act so that journalists who publish leaked government documents can be jailed for up to 14 years.  So if there’s no integrity or culture of truth at the heart of government and there’s no official mechanism for calling this out in parliament or protesting (or we can but only if we whisper on a wednesday lunchtime when we don’t upset anyone too much) and no one can report on anything that the government are doing that might be immoral, illegal or underhand what do we do?  

There’s an entire generation who bang on about the war and how we stopped facism and fail to see this is what’s happening here now - if this sort of dictatorship was happening anywhere else in the world we’d be galloping off on our moral high horse sending troops in to sort them out.

And beyond all the other things they’ve done this week they’ve decided that they’re going to make it illegal to rescue people trying to get here by dingy to seek asylum. They want to make criminals of the RNLI? They’re making it illegal to save someone’s life, to help people.  They’re making basic humanity illegal - if that’s not enough to stop people voting tory I don’t know what will ever do it...

I wrote a post on instagram on Saturday about the approaching, encroaching Summer holidays and how much I had to do for my exhibition in that time whilst also keeping my children vaguely occupied, safe and still having some sense of it being a holiday.  Since then my son was asked to self isolate, so those precious 3 remaining days at school just vanished… we now live in a world where you can neither plan anything or be spontaneous…..

But at least, despite the rising cases and the actual Secretary of State for Health having Covid, and cases and hospital admissions and deaths all rising our all powerful and clearly delusional leader has decided that now is the moment to whip our masks off and go out clubbing!  Yaye that’s a relief isn’t it?  It’s all ok the world is back to normal - Boris said so and everything!

I’ll be staying in and venturing out to the shops with my mask on!  

I even went to Hauser and Wirth on Saturday and whizzed through the galleries with barely a glance at the art to sit in the garden and talk to my friend there because it felt less oppressive to be outside.  Everyone is always rapturous about the garden there and I’ve never really got it but on Saturday it really was beautiful and in full bloom.  And the perfect place to spend a couple of hours catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in nearly a year. 

My Covid cautiousness, along with all the other Covid figures has reached it’s highest level since January…

On Wednesday I went to see the Frank Bowling exhibition at the Arnolfini too - a proper wow of an exhibition.  It’s called Land of Many Waters and is on until the end of September and according to my gallery buddy for the day the best thing the Arnolfini has done for years! (also I think they’re keeping Covid measures in place for now).  All these enormous abstract paintings, I mean I know nothing about abstract art but you just know when it’s good don’t you?  You walk round just taking it in and then you walk round again trying to get an understanding of all the drips, washes, squirts, textures and techniques.

I’ve seen a lot of art in the last couple of weeks whilst gallery visits have had to be pre booked and faces covered - I’m all good to stay inside for a while now.  And I’m fine with having to stay in more whilst my son’s in isolation - I love days when I don’t have to leave the house or talk to anyone - I might even get MORE work done!

The festival that we’d booked in Jan 2020 for last summer and then rolled our tickets over to this year sent us a jubilant email to say that they were still on for this year!  My husband was equally jubilant - dancing round the kitchen - but that’s just nuts right?!?!  (the festival being on not the dad dancing) Not sure I fancy going to sit in a (usually very wet) field for 5 days sort of pretending I’m at a festival but also not really because I don’t want to go in any of the tents, queue for food or toilets or interact with anyone… So that’s a fun conversation to have with the family tomorrow in my usual role as party pooper...  

Enough Covid ranting - last week I had a private life drawing session with my favourite of all the models - Mirjam - where I suggested the poses.  It was such a luxury and worked out completely as I hoped - I’ve spent most of the last week painting from that session.

We were meant to go surfing on Sunday but the self isolation cancelled that me and the kids rearranged the patio and put the paddling pool up instead - it is blissful - I will be spending as much time as I can in there over the next few days.  I even had a refreshing dunk half way through life drawing last night! 

Keep your mask on people, stay safe, be kind and keep cool x

I took the day off on Friday and had a day in London with an old friend.  We live about 10 minutes apart but the only way we can actually spend a day together is to travel 120 miles so that there isn’t the constant background hum of all the things we should be doing…

Our first visit was to the Tate to see the new Paula Rego show .  The lovely thing about going before Boris has decided Covid is over is that booking is essential and very limited and everyone still has their masks on. You really have time to stop and ponder at each painting without feeling rushed on or having to peer over someone’s shoulder.  And only occasionally had to pause whilst 2 women took it in turns to arrange themselves in front of paintings!!?  Grrrrr - I take quick snaps for reference but this was some full on insta photo shoot!?!

The exhibition starts with early works - a lovely portrait of her father, collages, gouaches, book illustrations, some etchings.  All sorts of things I never knew she’d done and some that I’d forgotten about.

You move into a room with those enormous acrylic canvases, the girl with the boot, the dance and I sort of thought this, this is what Paula Rego is all about - these are the paintings that I  was first aware of.   I’d forgotten how huge they are - the dance is 2m x 3m!  And it’s all in the looks and glances and the stories, the ambiguities. They’re sort of like watching a play with intriguing, incongruous little details in the wings.

But then you go into a room where she discovers pastel and wow - it’s like an explosion of creativity and energy and mark making.  There’s a rawness and immediacy to the action of drawing with pastel that is somehow more expressive and passionate.   It’s like she’s found her medium and it’s perfect for expressing all her fury and emotion and politics.  I’m just beginning to use pastels and it was inspiring to see what an absolute master can do with them - she must get through boxes and boxes of them.

Paula Rego’s work is all about the enigmatic narratives and protest but she is also so proficient with her colours and her materials and just bloody brilliant at drawing hands and feet .  If ever there was a must see exhibition this is it - so much to take away from it.

And then we went off to see the residency of Julie Bennett at the Bankside Hotel, having just had a 3 week one myself I was incredibly jealous of her 6 weeks - painting her art icons in a fab location.  I love having a poke about, looking at how people work and the materials they use.  Julie is incredibly prolific and very proactive - she has all sorts of events going on there and on zoom over the next couple of weeks - check her out on instagram…

Then off to see Yayoi Kusama and Chantal Joffe at the Victoria MIro.  Yayoi Kusama first - pumpkins, dots, colour, texture - a world away from anything I do or hope to do but I find her work so arresting.  And then Chantal Joffe - I love her work for it directness, honesty and intimacy  - they are autobiographical, paintings about relationships.  And I love the oasis that is the little garden out the back.

And then still basking in the freedom of not having to be anywhere else we went to the pub!  And lunched and talked, and I also kind of checked it out because I have an exhibition there in November so I guess that was sort of work (really hard not to do anything isn't it?!)

I stayed in London for the whole weekend, doing things with family and friends but couldn’t resist sneaking into Kenwood House on Saturday when they were all distracted by cake!  There’s a fab collection of Gainsboroughs and Turners and Constables.  There’s even a Vermeer but to be honest not one of his finest.  The stars of the show for me are the Sargent - Portrait of Miss Daisy Leiter - hidden away on the stairs where you probably wouldn't notice it if you weren't looking - and the Rembrandt Self Portrait with Two Circles - just fabulous.

And then on Sunday I went to the Serpentine to see the Jennifer Packer exhibition - I’d never been there somehow and always love going somewhere new.  And I really don’t know anything about Jennifer Packer, just that I’ve seen a couple of paintings and really liked them so had no expectations.  The flowers have a sort of melancholy to them and the portraits have a real connection between artist and sitter.  But most of all I loved studying her use of paint, areas when paint seems printed or rollered on, washed, scrubbed, sketched and areas of canvas left exposed. Loved it.

It’s been busy - a residency and an exhibition in the last few weeks!  The world started to tentatively open up again and with it all the things that had been postponed and put off have actually started happening.

After my residency at the garage I had about a month (with half term in the middle of it) to get ready for the next Bristol Faces - a little mini one to relaunch HOURS and to just start things happening again.

Some of the paintings were those from previous exhibitions, some were from sittings that had taken place via zoom, during lockdown, some were snapshots of people I saw all the time in shops.  My family featured too -  they were the faces I’d seen most often during the past few months.  Sophie of course had been prolific!

I was nervous having not done anything for so long - I hung on the Thursday and Sophie set up on Friday morning.  In many ways this bit is as creative as making the work - how you hang and the relationships between the paintings not just in colour and size but in the stories they tell in and the conversations they have between them.

And then there it was on Friday afternoon - Bristol Faces - it suddenly looked like the project we’d intended - something that had evolved and grown.  Something that celebrates the great and the good, the hidden, the potential, the art, the culture and something we can keep on taking forward.

So many people came and we had wonderfully creative conversations, so many interesting people, so many connections.  Lots of ideas about how to take Bristol Faces forward.

I’ve really enjoyed the quiet covid time - I think isolation comes quite easily to me but all those people made me remember why interactions are important.  I was both exhilarated and exhausted by it all - I feel like I’ve only just caught up with myself!

Also, whilst I was on my residency I wrote myself a list of intentions for 2022 - it sort of feels safe to plan things for then doesn’t it?  

The first of which was to book myself on to a Print Course at Spike - which I have finally done after 7 years of just talking about it.  I am beside myself with excitement about this.  I will blog about this at length some other time!

The other thing was this - writing - writing blogs, writing anything, organising thoughts about my paintings, planning for exhibitions but just making sure I do it.  So I’m going to try and blog once a week and I’ve found the most brilliant tool to do this - The Writers Salon.  Look them up - they have a zoom room filled with writers, writing all sorts of things, proper big books, morning pages, journals and presumably some other people scribbling random meanderings like me.  Every morning at 8am - 9am (and in 4 different time zones so that if UK time is a bit difficult because of the school run you can pretend you live in New York).  Anyway despite not in anyway calling myself a writer this community of writers is perfect, giving me exactly the space I need to get it done - you can sign up at https://londonwriterssalon.com/#writershour

Another item on my list is another course I’d like to - I’ll be a bit cagey about it for know - I wasn’t really sure where to begin but I met someone at our exhibition who actually runs the perfect course - so now I just need to pluck up the courage and find the funds!

But that’s 3 things on my big list for NEXT year that I’ve made a start on - so write down that stuff that you want to do!   By some magic it makes it happen or at least it starts making it happen.

Have a lovely Tuesday!

My January has been basically working, school work, working out and lots of walking.  I have to say that for most of the time this suits me down to the ground – ‘give me work and love - these  two only’ and all that – (that’s William Morris not me).   But now, oh my I’d love to get out of the immediate area, I haven’t gone on a bus, in a car of even on my bike for weeks!  If I can’t get there on my feet I haven’t been there…

And every time I leave the house (apart from if I’m going on a run) I wear wellies.  That’s what everyone’s wearing this season isn’t it? Wellies, gym leggings, painting jumper, their husband’s coat and whatever hat they can find – so stylish….

My fellow inmates and I have all started fantasising about what we’re going to do when we escape from this – everyone else’s scenario seems to involve friends, swimming and camping.  Ideally I just want to see paintings that weren’t painted by me and eat food that wasn’t cooked by me…

I can’t actually relax and not do anything though, or read - apart from a 10 day period when we were away camping last summer I haven’t read for nearly a year…   This time reminds me of being hugely, heavily pregnant, - no matter what you do you’re never quite comfortable, never quite at ease.  My head is so full – I swear that trying to survive a global pandemic would be made so much easier if each time you turned on the news/ looked at twitter you didn’t go THEY’VE DONE WHAT NOW?!?!?!  I’m just furious all the time…

And parenting, it took me a long, long time to convince myself I should even be one but now it seems to be what I’m doing most of the time.  And whilst there’s no guide book for any of it there’s not even a glimmer of an idea how to navigate through this…  For the most part they’re fine and far more resilient and upbeat than I would’ve been but I wish I could do something to make it better…

Still at least we’ve all had an open letter from the PM telling us how well we’re doing…

I’ve decided I’ll do a regular round up of things that have made life a bit better, things to watch, listen to, to do - so here are some nice things I’ve done in the last month that have helped me and us survive!  

January’s chinks of light have been

Life drawing – this month including Wokingham Life Drawing Society, London Drawing, Drawing Life Glasgow and the Virtual Figure.

Working my way through the Bristol Old Vic Season Ticket I bought before Christmas.

Family Sleepover Movie Night

Boy (on Netflix) Watching Crazy Stupid Love Again (this time with my daughter – bloody hilarious everytime though)

Zoom Quiz Nights - one with my actual family and one with my family that aren’t really my family.

Workouts by Workout Ashton, Zoe, Caroline Girvan and of course Joe Wicks

Would I Lie to You and Mock the Week (although this is very much not child friendly since lockdown! I guess there’s very little funny to be said in the actual news)

Podcasts - Waldy and Bendy, What I Love (the Kate Tempest one especially)

Baths, lots and lots of baths…

Coffee

Sky Landscape Artist (you don’t need Sky it’s on Channel 11)

If you have audible every series of The Unbelievable Truth is on there – this makes me laugh out loud….

And Grayson’s Art Club started again last night!

A government for the people and for the planet?

I can’t be the only person in the country waking up each day wondering why we are still at the mercy of our inept government.  And currently we have three more years of this.  I think in 2021 we actually need to turn government on its head, to look at what a priorities actually are not just as a country, not just as people but as a planet.  And then build a government that focusses on those needs…

We need to have a government that instead of being self serving is actually doing what its supposed to do.  Addressing the needs of its people.  It’s ironic that this  time of international crisis is the time when Brexit finally happens, the time where we break away from being part of a larger organisation.  And there’s another more important crisis looming – the environment – a crisis that is in EVERYONE’S interests to sort out whether you’re left wing, right wing, rich or poor – but so far everyone seems to be ignoring it…

We need to create a government that is not party political, politics that aren’t combative but rather rational, collaborative and considered.  If anyone loses on the BIG issues facing us now we all lose.  Maybe, and I know this seems radical, we need a government that listens to experts in their field, to scientists, lawyers and economists.  To people who have knowledge, passion, experience and advice to give.  We have those people now and they’ve been giving their advice about Brexit and about Covid but they’re being willfully ignored.  How do we change this? We don’t need a government that is concerned with money and power but rather one that has the care of its people at its core.

Our Prime Minister has proved this year that he’s ill equipped to lead and not prepared to listen.  Constantly behind the curve in decisions on lockdowns and then making last minute U turns - the leader you want in a crisis is someone who is authoritative and steady, not a blundering buffoon.  This government made up of so many Eton Schoolboys will never address the inequalities in our society – they’ve never suffered racism, sexism, homophobia or poverty – they don’t understand the challenges so many people face before they even begin.  And they have no interest in levelling the playing field because they believe their supremacy will be threatened.

I WANT TO START A REVOLUTION.  I’m completely serious about this – I don’t know how but I’m going to try.  I’m just one person, completely unqualified, probably ill informed but we’re living in a world where Boris Johnson is prime minister and Donald Trump is still, officially President of the United States so I’m pretty sure anything is possible.  

I’ve always voted and in the last few years I’ve marched, I’ve petitioned, I’ve written to my MP, I’ve supported the charities that pick up the pieces that the government leaves behind but I know that if we’re going to tackle the challenges that lie ahead we need to do something BIGGER than that.  When I’m finding this stuff overwhelming everyone tells me to take a break from the news – to turn off twitter but actually what we need to do is engage, to question, to stand up.  I need help, advice, I needed cleverer, more eloquent people to stand with me and let’s do SOMETHING because we can’t carry on like this – it is not working.

I see the priorities as

THE PLANET – EQUALITY - UNITY

And obviously in the relative short term COVID and its aftermath…

Sobriety, Sanity, Skies and Sketches…

On this day last year I gave up alcohol, I’m not really sure why…  it just seemed pointless all of a sudden and it certainly took my husband by surprise, who at least thought I’d have the social graces to wait until New Years Day to start my sobriety.

But I gave up on New Years Eve because I thought if I could get through one of my favourite nights of the year, in house filled with tequila and some of the worlds’ best party people then I definitely didn’t need it.

I gave up because I knew I already had some challenges to face in 2020 and some things I wanted to achieve (naïve little 2019 me!) and I wanted to approach it all with a clear head.

Anyway it turns out it was the best thing I could’ve done – getting through this year without alcohol was a brilliant idea even if I couldn’t have imagined then a global pandemic.  Being teetotal was a huge bonus in surviving 2020.

As soon as the pandemic was a reality – self-isolating a week before schools shut down - the first thing I was keen to address was maintaining our mental health via our physical fitness.  We were using Joe Wicks’ YouTube back catalogue before PE with Joe had started and going for morning runs before the homeschooling day began.  We did almost everyday of PE with Joe and I’m now a fully paid up member of the cult.  He’s getting me doing burpees and planks 5 or 6 days a week.  That and occasional, honestly quite ploddy runs, around the village and a few insane, online workouts with Workout gym (the world’s best and most unpretentious gym) have saved me (and by extension the rest of the family) this year…

Also walks!!  I never thought I’d say this but I bloody love walking!  I have never been remotely outdoorsy, I don’t really own any outdoor, practical clothes – if its wet or muddy you just stay in right!?  Not now though – bloody love it!  Rain or shine, love those views, skies, clouds.  And we’ve been so lucky to live here – miles and miles of beautiful walks without having to get a bus or into a car – just set off from here!  And the sky, wow!  Just the most fabulous, ever-changing magic show.  Looking up this year has sometimes made me feel like things might actually be looking up – even at the bleakest of times.

Another really brilliant thing this year has just been being an artist.  I’ve always found my community of artist friends in real life and online to be a hugely supportive bunch.  Artists are the sort of people to help each other out and lift each other up rather then trample over each other and exclude as in so many industries.  But this year more than ever I’ve been so privileged to be one, doing online life drawing and ‘meeting’ so many new people through that, the portraits for NHS heroes and the artist support pledge.  The artist support pledge has also helped me support other artists, add a little to my art collection and donate to charities.  Thanks all for your commissions, purchases and even just words of encouragement and advice.

And obviously I have my friends near and far whom I couldn’t have got though the year without – you know who you are – I’d have gone crazy without you.  

And finally my little family…  we’re hugely lucky already, we have enough and a lovely house to live in and I know this is a luxury that not everyone has had this year but also I actually like my husband and my children and we all enjoy each other’s company.  I mean obviously we all LOVE each other but to all still LIKE each other at the end of this year, in this very open plan house is quite an achievement.  Clearly they drive me nuts sometimes and all of them STILL seem unable to load the dishwasher AS THEY GO ALONG but you know I live in hope….