I have been waiting to hear, “I am sorry I used you.” or even “Im sorry I didnt tell you the truth.” OR I am sorry I lied to you that time and told you something I didnt mean, just because I thought you wanted to hear it.
When I first got sick I didnt know who to turn to and somehow I turned to a person I barely knew and I was really excited to mean something to somebody. (Which i guess I didnt)
For the first time I had somebody who was more than a friend, that i was attracted to and I felt like I enjoyed being with for all kinds of things. I envy artists because I always wanted to show the world how I saw things, and I never learned to do it.
Everything was really cool. It felt awesome. I remember the first time I saw them. How weird, right? I ended up developing feelings of real friendship.. and more. They even used that phrase people use when they want you to know it. THEY DID IT. That was back when I could barely say it.
Anyway, things were going great until I found out I was the OTHER PERSON. It went for a long time, surprisingly before I knew that i was the other person. It was quite a sinking feeling, but part of me knew something was wrong.
Heres where I admit my guilt (even though i was manic for the first full blown time[not an excuse just a fact]) and our traumas were kinda similar. They told me things that they had never, and maybe still hasnt, told anybody. I felt like I needed them, their support, their friendship, pretty much any time I could get with the first person who knew me and didnt think I was ugly. They knew more of me than anybody else. It was exposure. It was something else.
But I was the other person. I thought maybe I could make it work. Maybe I wouldnt have to lose this person who said that I was important to them. The first person who met my parents, the first person who saved my life [for real], the first person who found me with pills on pills on pills in my hands and hate in my heart, but they were still good too me.
Its only now, years and years later that I dont know if they were good to me, or if they were ultimately one of the worst things for me. To take somebody in just to leave them out at the worst of times, its kind of a real mean thing to do. Would I have been better off alone all together??? Maybe. Maybe I would be dead. I dont know.
But I was the other person. I dont remember what I said to them. I do remember not knowing what to do. I do remember what I felt when they started lying to other people, shortly after I found out they were with somebody else and I was a.....(what was I even)....I remember them telling people one thing, and showing up at my apartment. I remember them stopping me a parties, sneaking away with me, I remember a lot. It didnt occur to me at the time that I was the secret. That I was slowly being put away. I didnt even notice.
Other people started to notice something. I dont know if they judged me. I suppose they recognized my weakness. Its the same weakness anybody has. That fragile part that wants to believe. Its like the same way kids believe in Santa or people believe in the American Dream.
Its strange how much of a secret I have. Now Its a secret I keep. That other person gave me a hug, the last time I saw them. How strange. Was that the apology? How weird of me to want to hear it, even though it changes nothing. I dont love them like that. I miss that friend. I want an apology. But now I am a ghost. And They and their person are engaged and I smile because maybe they are both happy. Maybe its just one of those things that life does. Maybe secrets are better buried, or left on rooftops, basement stairs, stairwells, dorm rooms, quiet buildings we shouldnt have been in, and thats where those things stay. Left for me to forget and for them to bury. I think thats what it means to keep a secret. To do the favor and not ask or expect forgiveness. To fold my own lists, pour cinnamon in my own coffee and move on to the next cup.
Thank god I never believed them. It would make it so much harder to not tell the truth.
Maybe the mania just made it more intense than it should have been. Guess Ill never know
I have somebody who doesnt hurt me or treat me like a secret now. She is the best person I could have found. Sometimes I worry she will leave me like they did. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the issues.
